Heathers Act 1

---

Veronica: September 1st, 1989.

Dear diary,

I believe I'm a good person, you know,
I think there's good in everyone, but...

Here we are! First day of senior year!
And uh...

I look around at these kids that I've
known all my life and I ask myself...

What happened?

Students: Freak! Slut! Burn-out!
Bug-eyes! Poser! Lardass!

V: We were so tiny, happy and shiny,
playing tag and getting chased.

S: Freak! Slut! Loser! Short bus!

V: Singing and clapping,
laughing and napping,

baking cookies, eating paste.

S: Bull dyke! Stuck-up! Hunchback!

V: Then we got bigger,
that was the trigger,

like the Huns invading Rome.

Girl: Ow!
V: Oh, sorry! Sorry..

Welcome to my school,
this ain't no high school.

This is the Thunderdome.

Hold your breath, and count the days.
We're graduating soon.

S: White trash!

V: College will be paradise
if I'm not dead by June!

But I know, I know

Life can be beautiful.

I pray, I pray
for a better way.

If we changed back then,
we could change again!

We can be beautiful.

Boy: OW!
V: Just not today.

V: Hey, are you ok?
Boy: Get AWAY, nerd!

V: ...Sorry.

S: Freak! Slut! Cripple!
Homo! HOMO! HOMO!

Things will get better soon as my letter
comes from Harvard, Duke, or Brown.

Wake from this coma, take my diploma,
then I can blow this town.

Dream of ivy-covered walls,
and smoky French cafes.

Boy: Watch it!

V: Fight the urge to strike a match
and set this dump ablaze!

Ram: Oooooops!

V: Ram Sweeney.
3rd year as linebacker,

and 8th year of smacking lunchtrays,
and being a huge DICK.

R: What did you say to me, SKANK?
V: Aah, nothing.

But I know, I know
life can be beautiful!

I pray, I pray
for a better way.

We were kind before,
we can be kind once more!

We can be beautiful....

V: [screams] ..Hey Martha.
Martha: Hey.

V: Martha Dunstock.
My best friends since diapers.

She's got a HUGE heart, but...
around here, that's not enough.

[sighs] Thank you.

M: We still on for movie night?
V: Yeah, you're on Jiffy Pop detail.

M: I rented The Princess Bride!

V: [laughs]

Wait, again? Don't you have
it memorized by now?

M: What can I say?
I'm a sucker for a happy ending.

Kurt: MARTHA DUMPTRUCK!
WIDE LOAD! HONK. HAHAAA!

V: Kurt Kelly. Quarterback.

He is the smartest guy
on the football team!

Which is kind of like
being the tallest dwarf.

K: [laughs] Honk, hooonk!
V: Hey, pick that up, right now!

K: I'm sorry, are you
actually TALKING to me?

R: My buddy Kurt just
asked you a question.

V: Yes, I am. I wanna know what gives YOU
the right to pick on MY friend.

You're a high school has-been waiting to
happen. A future gas station attendant.

K: You have a zit right there.
Students: [laughing]

V: Dear diary,
why?

Boy: Why do they hate me?
Girl: Why don't I fight back?

K: Why do I act like such a creep?

V: Why?

M: Why won't he date me?
R: Why did I hit him?

S: Why do I cry myself to sleep?

V: WHY?

S: Somebody hug me! Somebody fix me!
Somebody save me! Send me a sign, God!

Give me some hope here!
Something to live for!

Aaah~!
Heather! Heather! And Heather!

V: And then there's the Heathers.
They just... float above it all.

S: I love Heather,
Heather, and Heather!

V: Heather McNamara,
head cheerleader.

Her dad is LOADED.
He sells engagement rings.

Heather Duke,
runs the yearbook.

No discernible personality,
but her mom did pay for implants.

And Heather Chandler,
the almighty.

She is a mythic bitch.

They're solid teflon.
Never bothered, never... harassed.

I would give anything to be like that.

S: Mmmm~
Boy: I'd like to be their boyfriend.

S: That would be beautiful!

Girl: If i sat at their table,
guys would notice me!

S: So beautiful!

M: I'd like them to be nicer!

S: That would be beautiful!

Creepy dude: I'd like to kidnap a Heather
and photograph her naked

in an abandoned warehouse,
and leave her tied up for the rats.

H D.: [throwing up]

H C.: Grow up, Heather.
Bulimia is so '87.

H M.: Heather's right, maybe you should
see a doctor, Heather!

H D.: Yeah, Heather. Maybe I should!

Ms. Fleming: Ah, Heather and Heather.

H D.: [vomits]
F: And Heather.

Perhaps you didn't hear the bell over all
the vomiting? You're late for class.

H C.: Heather wasn't feeling well.
We're helping her.

F: Not without a hall pass, you're not.
Week's detention.

V: Um, actually, Ms. Fleming!

All 4 of us are out on a hall pass
for yearbook committee.

F: I see you're all listed....

Hurry up, get where you're going.

H C.: This is an excellent forgery.

Who ARE you?

V: Uh... Veronica! ..Sawyer!
I, um, I.. I crave a boon.

H C.: What boon?

V: Um.. Let me sit at your table with you
at lunch? Just once! No talking necessary.

If people think that you guys tolerate me
then they'll leave me alone.

Heathers: [laugh]

Before you answer, I also do report cards,
permission slips, and absence notes.

H D.: How 'bout prescriptions?

H C.: Shut up, Heather.
H D.: Sorry, Heather....

H C.: For a greasy little nobody,
you do have good bone structure.

H M.: And a symmetrical face.

If I took a meat cleaver down the center
of your skull, I'd have matching halves.

That's very important.

H D.: Of course, you could stand
to lose a few pounds.

H C.: And you know, you know, you know
this could be beautiful.

Mascara, maybe some lip gloss,
and we're on our way.

Get this girl some blush,
and Heather, I need your brush.

Let's make her beautiful.

H D.: Let's make her beautiful.
H M.: Let's make her beautiful!

H C.: MAKE HER BEAUTIFUL!

H C.: Okay?
V: Okay!

Kurt: Out of my way, geek!
Boy: I don't want trouble!

Ram: You're gonna die at 3p.m.

Girls: Don't you dare touch me,
get away, pervert!

Boy: What did I ever to to them?!

Students: Who could survive this?!
I can't escape this! I think I'm dying!

Fleming: Who's that with Heather?

S: WOAH!

Heather, Heather, Heather,

and someone!

Heather, Heather, Heather,

and a babe!

Heather! Heather! Heather!

Martha: Veronica?!

S: Veronica! Veronica!
VERONICA!

V: And you know, you know, you know,
life can be beautiful!

You hope, you dream, you pray,
and you get your way!

Ask me how it feels
lookin' like hell on wheels.

My God, it's beautiful.

S: Beautiful!

V: I might be beautiful!

And when you're beautiful,

it's a beautiful frickin' day!

S: Heather! Heather! Heather!
VERONICA!

V: YEA-EA-EEAAAH

S: Veronica! Veronica! Veronica! Veronica!

VERONICA!

Dear diary, It's been 3 weeks since I
became friends with the Heathers.

[laughs]

Actually, "friends" isn't exactly
the right word. It's more like, um,

The Heathers are people who I work with,
and our job is being popular and shit.

M: Hey Veronica!
V: Hey!

M: You really do look beautiful these days

V: Aww, thank you, but,
it's still the same me, underneath.

M: Are you sure?

V: Oh, look, um... I'm really sorry that I
flaked on movie night last week.

I've just.. I've had a LOT going on.

M: I get that!

You're with the Heathers now!
That's exciting.

V: It's whatever, but we'll hang soon,
I promise!

H D.: VERONICA!

Heather says to haul ass
to the table, pronto.

V: How very.

H C.: Veronica! I need a forgery
in Ram Sweeney's handwriting.

You'll need something to write on.
Heather, bend over!

"Hello, beautiful!

I've been watching you,
and thinking about us in the old days!

I hope you can come to my
homecoming party this weekend!

Miss you,
Ram."

[gasps] Put an "XO" after the signature!

V: What's this for, anyway?

H C.: I just found out that Ram used to
hang with Marth Dumptruck.

V: Well... [scoffs] yeah, in kindergarten.
We all did.

H D.: We all didn't kiss
on the kickball field!

H M.: Oh, that's right, I remember!
Ram kissed Martha Dumptruck!

It was disgusting!

H C.: Perfect!

K: It'd be so righteous to be
in the middle of a

Heather Chandler-Veronica Sawyer sandwich.

R: Hell yeah. Punch it in!

H C.: Ram!

Be a sweetie and give this note to
Martha Dumptruck for me?

V: What?! No!

R: Since when do you talk to
that lardass?

H C.: Oh, don't read it!

She's having an extra heavy flow,
and wanted some advice from my gyno.

K: EW, GROSS!

H C.: What are you doing?!

V: Please don't do this, okay?
Not to Martha.

H D.: WHAT? It'll give her shower nozzle
masturbation material for weeks.

H C.: SHUT UP, HEATHER!
H D.: Sorry, Heather!

V: Martha has had a thing for Ram
for like 12 years now, ok? This...

V: This would kill her--
H C.: Are we gonna have a problem?!

You got a bone to pick?

You've come so far, why now
are you pulling on my dick?!

I'd normally slap your face off,
and everyone here could watch!

But I'm feeling nice.
Here's some advice:

LISTEN UP, BIOTCH.

Kurt and Ram: [cheering]

D&M: I LIKE

C: Lookin' hot,
buyin' stuff they cannot!

D&M: I LIKE

C: Drinkin' hard,
maxin' dad's credit card!

D&M: I LIKE

C: Skippin' gym,
scarin' her, screwin' him!

D&M: I LIKE

C: Killer clothes,
All: KICKIN' NERDS IN THE NOSE!

C: If you lack the balls,
you can go play dolls.

Let your mommy fix you a snack!

Or you could come smoke,
pound some rum and coke,

in my Porsche with the quarterback.

D&M: WO-OAH! WO-OAH! WO-OAH!

All: Honey, whatcha waitin' for?

Welcome to my candy store!

Time for you to prove you're
not a loser anymore!

And step into my candy store.

All: GUYS FALL
D: at your feet.

D: Pay the check,
M: help you cheat.

All: ALL YOU
D: have to do,

C: Say goodbye to Shamu!

All: THAT FREAK'S
M: not your friend, I can tell in the end,

All: IF SHE
D: had your shot,

All: SHE WOULD LEAVE YOU TO ROT!

M: 'Course if you don't care,
Fine! Go braid her hair!

Maybe Sesame Street is on!

M: Or forget that creep,
D: and get in my Jeep.

C: Let's go tear up someone's lawn!

All: WO-OAH! WO-OAH! WO-OAH!

Honey, whatcha waitin' for?

Welcome to my candy store!

You just gotta prove you're
not a pussy anymore.

And step into my candy store!

C: You can join the team,
D&M: or you can bitch and moan!

C: You can live the dream,
D&M: or you can DIE ALONE!

C: You can fly with eagles,
All: or if you prefer,

C: keep on testing me,
All: and end up like HER!

M: Veronica, look!
Ram invited me to his homecoming party!

See, I TOLD you there was
still something there!

This proves he's been thinking about me.

V: Color me stoked.

M: I'm so happy! [giggles]

D: OOH, WO-O-OAH!
HONEY, WHATCHA WAITIN' FO--

C: SHUT UP, HEATHER!

Step into my candy store!

D&M: Step into my candy store!

All: It's my candy store, it's my candy...

IT'S MY CANDY STORE, IT'S MY CANDY...

IT'S MY CANDY STORE,

IT'S MY CANDY STORE!

???: You shouldn't have bowed down to
the swatch dogs and Diet Coke heads.

They're gonna crush that girl.

V: I'm sorry, what?

???: Clearly, you've got a soul.

You just gotta work harder on
keeping it clean.

"We're all born marked for evil."

V: Um, okay. Don't just quote Baudelaire
at me and then walk away, excuse me.

I didn't catch your name.

???: I didn't throw it.

K: Who's that guy in the jacket think
he is anyway, Bo Diddley?

R: Veronica's into his act, no doubt.

K: LET'S KICK HIS ASS.

R: No, we're seniors, man.
We're too old for that shit.

K: HEY, SWEETHEART!

What'd your boyfriend say when you told
'im you were movin' to Sherwood, Ohioooo?

R: My buddy Kurt just asked you a question

K: Hey Ram, doesn't the cafeteria have
a "No Fags Allowed" rule?

???: They seem to have an open door policy
for assholes, though.

R: Hold his arms.

Students: HOLY SHIT!

HOLY SHIT!

HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIT!
HOLY SHIT! HOLY SHIIIIT!

V: Why, when you see boys fight,
does it look so horrible, yet...

feel so riiiight?!

I shouldn't watch this crap,
that's not who I am.

But with this kid...

Daaaaamn.

Hey,

Mr. No Name Kid,

so who might you be?

And could you fight for me?

And hey,

could you face the crowd?

Could you be seen with me,
and still act proud?

[laughs]

Hey, could you hold my hand?

And could you carry me
through No Man's Land?

It's fine...

if you don't agree.

But I would fight for you,

if you would fight for me.

Let them drive us underground.

I don't care how far.

You can set my broken bones,

and I know CPR.

Well, woah.

You can punch real good....

You've lasted longer than
I thought you would. So hey,

Mr. No Name Kid,

if some night you're free,

wanna fight for me?

If you're still alive,

I would fight for you,

if you would fight for me!

K: MAN, THAT SUCKED!

That kid fights better than
the real Bo Diddley.

R: Hey, have you ever seen
Enter The Dragon?

Bo Diddley fights with his shirt off, and
is like pretty ripped for [redacted] dude.

K: Fag!

R: SHUT UP!

K: RAM'S EATING CHINESE TONIGHT!

R: SHUT UP, DUDE!

H C.: God, Veronica. Drool much?

You were totally throwing your panties
at that new kid.

D&M: [laugh weakly]

H C.: And judging by your house,
you can't afford replacement panties!

D&M: [laugh weakly]

V: Come on, I-I don't even know his name.
H C.: [scoffs]

Mr. and Mrs. Sawyer, watch out!

Mrs. Sawyer: Oh!

Haha, there you go, girls!

Care for some pâté?

H C.: That is not pâté, it's liverwurst.

Mrs.S: Aha... I'm aware of that, Heather!

It's a family joke!

H C.: Oh... funny....

Mr.S: Damnit. Will somebody please tell me
why I read this spy crap?

V: Oh, because you're an idiot, Dad.

Mr.S: Oh yeah. That's it.

Sawyers: [all laugh]

Mrs.S: So girls, any big plans
for tonight?

V: Yeah! There's a big homecoming party
at Ram Sweeney's house,

so I'm gonna catch a ride with Heather.

H C.: Speaking of which...

V: Ok, uh...

Great pâté, Mom, but

I gotta motor if we wanna be
ready for this party.

Mrs.S: Don't let these
popular girls change you.

V: I need them.

Mrs.S: What for? You have other friends!
You have Martha.

V: Well...

Maybe I want more out of life
than liverwurst, Mom....

Mr.S: Those girls seem really nice.

Heathers: SO STEP INTO MY CANDY STORE!

It's my candy store, it's my candy...
it's my candy store, it's my candy...

It's my candy store,

IT'S MY CANDY STORE!

H C.: [honking horn] VERONICA!
DON'T FORGET THE CORN NUTS!

IT'S NOT A PARTY WITHOUT CORN NUTS!

V: Um, BQ or plain?

H C.: BQ!!!

???: Greetings and salutations.

You want a Slurpee with that?

V: No, but if you're nice,
I'll let you buy me a Big Gulp.

???: That's like going to Mickey D's
and ordering a salad.

Slurpee's the signature dish of the house.

???: Did you say cherry or lime?
V: I said "Big Gulp".

I'm Veronica, by the way.

Are you ever gonna.. tell me.. your name?

???: I'll end the suspense.

Jason Dean. JD for short.

V: JD.

That thing you pulled in the Caf
was pretty severe.

JD: Well, the extreme always seems
to make an impression.

V: [laughs]

So what's a Baudelaire-quoting badass
like you doing in Sherwood, Ohio?

JD: My dad's work.

He owns a... a deconstruction company.

V: "De-construction"?

JD: The old man seems to enjoy
tearing things down.

You seen the commercial:
"My name's Big Bud Dean!

If it's in the way, I'll make your day!"

V: [laughs] And then he pushes the plunger
and the screen blows up.

[laughs]

[clears throat] That's your dad?

JD: In all his semi-psychotic glory.

V: Yeah, well...
everyone's life has got static.

H C.: [honks horn]
VERONICAAAAAAAAAAA!

V: Example: I don't really like
my friends.

JD: I don't really like
your friends either!

Bag the party, 'n..

hang here.

V: Ohh~

7/11. Swanky first date.

JD: Hey... I love this place.

V: No offense, but... why?

JD: I've been through 10 high schools.

They start to get blurry.

No point planting roots,
'cause you're gone in a hurry.

My dad keeps 2 suitcases packed in the den
so it's only a matter of when.

I don't learn their names,
don't bother with faces.

All I can trust is this concrete oasis.

Seems every time I'm about to despair,

there's a 7/11 right there.

Each store is the same,
from Las Vegas to Boston.

Linoleum aisles that I love to get lost in

I pray at my altar of slush.

Yeah, I live for that sweet frozen rush.

Ah!

Freeze your brain.

Suck on that straw,
get lost in the pain.

Happiness comes
when everything numbs.

Who needs cocaine?

Freeze your brain.

Freeze your brain.

Care for a hit?

V: Does your mommy know that
you eat all that crap?

JD: Not anymore.

When mom was alive,
we lived halfway normal.

Now it's just me and my dad,
we're less formal.

I learned to cook pasta,
I learned to pay rent.

Learned the world doesn't owe you a cent.

You're planning that future,
Veronica Sawyer.

You'll go to some college,
and marry a lawyer!

But the sky's gonna hurt when it falls,

so you better start building some walls!

Freeze your brain!

Swim in the ice,
get lost in the pain!

Shut your eyes tight,
'til you vanish from sight.

Let nothing remain!

Freeze your brain!

Shatter your skull,
fight pain with more pain!

Forget who you are.
Unburden your load.

Forget in six weeks,
you'll be back on the road.

When the voice in your head
says "you're better off dead",

don't open a vein!

Just freeze your brain.

Freeze your brain.

Go on and freeze your brain.

Try it.

V: Yeah I don't.. really see--

OH! SON OF A BITCH!

Ow. Ah, ahh...

H C.: Veronica!

V: Oh, God! I-I gotta go.

JD: So I see.

H C.: Corn Nuts?!

V: They're right here.
I'm sorry.

H C.: Wave bye-bye to Red Dawn here
and let's MOTOR.

V: Sorry....

Mr. Sweeney: Okay Ram, have fun tonight,
but I expect you to act your age.

If the neighbors complain about the noise,
Paul and I are gonna march in here

and knock the sand out of your vagina,
you understand me?

Ram: Dude, what am I, like 5?

Mr.S: I'm your dad, not your dude!

Mr. Kelly: That goes double for you, Kurt.

You're a guest in Bill's house,
and you will treat it with respect.

K: Sure thing!

Dude.
K&R: [both laugh]

Mr.K: Hold his arms.

K: Oh, I'm just kidding!

Mr.K: Who's a great big sissy?

Whos going to prom in a bright pink dress?
Mr.S: You are!

Mr.K: WHO'S A GREAT BIG SISSY?

K: I AM A GREAT BIG SISSY.

Mr.K: Alright.

Enjoy the party, son!

Mr.S: Punch it in!

LOOK OUT, IT'S A CLAW!

K: Man, that sucked.

R: Who cares, dude?!

The parents are gone
and I got my party slippers on!

Dad says "act our age".
You heard the man, it's time to rage!

Students: BLAST THE BASS,
BURN OUT THE LIGHT.

AIN'T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!

R: Drink, smoke, it's all cool.
Let's get naked in my pool!

S: PUNCH THE WALL, AND START A FIGHT.
AIN'T NOBODY HOME TONIGHT!

K: His folks got a water bed.
Come upstairs and rest your head.

R: Let's rub each others' backs
while watchin' porn on Cinemax!

S: THE FOLKS ARE GONE,
IT'S TIME FOR BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

WE'RE UP 'TIL DAWN,
HAVIN' SOME BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

When mom and dad forget
to lock the liquor cabinet,

It's big fun.
Big fun!

BIG FUN!

WOO~!

V: Okay. Ok ok, so it's salt,
and then lime... and then SHOT!

H M.: No, it's salt, then shot--

H C.: YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG.

V: Wait, really?!

Because I feel great!

Guy: Veronica! You are
lookin' GOOD tonight.

V: WOAH.

A hot guy smiled at me,
without a trace of mockery!

S: Everyone's high as a kite.
Ain't nobody home tonight!

V: Zoned, stoned, I should quit.
Hey, is that weed?? I want a hit!

S: Fill that joint, and roll it tight.
Ain't nobody home tonight!

V: Dreams are comin' true,
when people laugh, but not at you!

I'm not alone, I'm not afraid!

I feel like Bono at Live Aid!

S: THE HOUSE IS OURS!
IT'S TIME FOR BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

LET'S USE THEIR SHOWERS,
THAT SOUNDS LIKE BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

CRACK OPEN ONE MORE CASE.

V: I think that's what they
call "third base".

S: BIG FUN! BIG FUN.
BIG FUN!

V: That actually looks like
All: BIG FUN.

BIG FUN.
BIG FUN!

WOO~!

K: ALRIGHT EVERYBODY,
LISTEN UP!

WHAT'S WESTERBURG GONNA DO TO
THE RAZORBACKS AT SUNDAY'S GAME?!

R: Gonna make 'em go "Wee! Wee! Wee! Wee!"

S: BIG FUN. BIG FUN!

H D.: Way to show maturity!

S: BIG FUN. BIG FUN!

Quick it, jackass, GET OFF OF ME!

BIG FUN. BIG FUN!

V: Yo, Ram! Emergency.

I just saw some freshmen
sneaking over the pool fence.

R: I hate freshmen! Where are you little
pricks?! I'M COMING FOR YOU!

V: Hey, are you ok?

H D.: I didn't need your help!

V: Aww, thanks Heather, but I don't really
have to vomit right now.

Get it? 'Cause the finger? [laughs]

S: THE PARTY'S HOT, HOT, HOT!
IT'S TIME FOR BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

K: YOU NEED A JELLO SHOT!

S: WE'RE HAVIN' BIG FUN.
BIG FUN!

H C.: Martha Dumptruck, in the flesh.

H D.: Here comes the cootie squad!
We should--

H C.: SHUT UP, HEATHER!
H D.: Sorry, Heather!

H M.: Look who's with her!
Oh my god.

Heathers: Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang.
Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang!

V: I can't believe you actually came.
M: It's exciting, right?!

Oh, uh, excuse me.
I wanna say hello to Ram.

I brought sparkling cider! [giggles]

V: Martha...!

H C.: Showing up here took some guts.
Time to rip 'em out.

H D.: Well who's this pig remind you of?
Especially the snout. HA!

Hs: Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang.
Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang!

R: Where the hell are those freshmen?!

M: Um.. hi Ram!

Uh, I wasn't gonna come but... since you
took the time to write that sweet note....

R: What note?

Why do you gotta be weird all the time?

People wouldn't hate you so much
if you acted normal.

[spitting]

There's no alcohol in here!

Are you trying to poison me?

S: Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang.
Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang!

Dang dang, diggity dang-a-dang,
DIGGITY DANG-A-DANG!

THE FOLKS ARE GONE!
IT'S TIME FOR BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

WE'RE UP 'TIL DAWN,
HAVIN' SOME BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

SO LET THE SPEAKERS BLOW,
THEY'LL BUY ANOTHER STEREO!

OUR FOLKS GOT NO CLUE
'BOUT ALL THE SHIT THEIR CHILDREN DO!

WHY ARE THEY SURPRISED
WHENEVER WE'RE UNSUPERVISED,

IT'S BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

BIG FUN.

BIG FUN!

BIG FUN.

BIG FUUUUN!

WOO~!

V: [screams]

H C.: Okay, Westerburgers!

Time to celebrate our upcoming
victory over the Razorbacks

by WHACKING apart their mascot!

H M.: We need a volunteer to take
the first swing at the piñata!

H C.: Martha Dunstock!

I think you should do the honors!

M: I don't really know this game.

H M.: [gasps] Let's show this girl some
Westerburg spirit! Whoop!

S: [cheering]

H M.: Martha! Martha!

All: MARTHA! MARTHA! MARTHA!
MARTHA! MARTHA!

H M.: Bring out the piñata.

S: [laughing and cheering]

V: Hey, give that to me!

H D.: HEATHER, HELP!

V: Give it to me now, NOW!

R: GIRL FIGHT! KISS! KISS!

S: KISS! KISS!

V: ENOUGH!
What is your DAMAGE, Heather?!

You want this thing,
then swim for it!

M: What's going on?!

V: Just go home, ok?
I'll explain it to you later.

M: Oh, no, I was gonna do the--

V: Listen to me, listen to me..
just go, ok? Go...

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry...

Well! We gave it a shot, okay?

I'm resigning my commission from
the Lip Gloss Gestapo.

I'm going back to civilian life.

H C.: NO.

V: Oh, don't spin me!
I'm not feeling well...

H C.: You don't GET to be a nobody.

Come Monday, you're an ex-somebody!
Not even the losers will touch you now!

Transfer to Washington!
Transfer to Jefferson!

No one at Westerburg's gonna
let you play their reindeer games!

V: [coughing and gasping]

[vomits]

H C.: [screams]

I RAISED YOU UP FROM NOTHING!

AND WHAT'S MY THANKS?!
I GET PAID IN PUKE!

V: Ohhh, lick it up, baby!
Lick! It! Up!

H C.: I know who I'M eating
lunch with on Monday.

Do YOU?

Okay, party people!

Where's the goddamn keg?!

S: [cheering]

V: The demon queen of high school
has decreed it.

She says Monday, 8a.m.
I will be deleted.

They'll hunt me down in study hall,
stuff and mount me on the wall.

30 hours to live,
how shall I spend them?

I don't have to stay and die like cattle.

I could change my name and
ride up to Seattle.

But I don't own a motorbike.

Wait... here's an option that I like!

Spend these 30 hours gettin'

freaky~!

YEAH!

I need it hard,
I'm a dead girl walkin'!

I'm in your yard!
I'm a dead girl walkin'.

Before they punch my clock,
I'm snappin' off your window lock!

Got no time to knock,
I'm a dead girl walkin'!

JD: Woah. Veronica!

What are you doing in my room?!

V: Shh, shh shhhh!

Sorry, but I really had to wake you.

See, I decided I must ride you
'til I break you!

'Cause Heather says I gots to go!
You're my last meal on death row.

Shut your mouth,
and lose them tighty-whities.

Come on!

Tonight I'm yours!
I'm your dead girl walking!

Get on all fours,
kiss this dead girl walking!

Let's go, you know the drill!
I'm hot, and pissed, and on the pill.

Bow down to the will
of a dead girl walkin'!

And you know, you know, you know,

it's 'cause you're beautiful.

You say you're numb inside,
but I can't agree.

So the world's unfair,
keep it locked out there!

In here it's beautiful.

LET'S MAKE THIS BEAUTIFUL!

JD: That works for me!

V: YEAH!

Full steam ahead,
take this dead girl walkin'!

JD: How'd you find my address?

V: Let's break the bed,
rock this dead girl walkin'!

JD: I think you tore my mattress!

V: No sleep tonight for you,
better chug that Mountain Dew!

JD: Okay, okay.

V: Get your ass in gear,
make this whole town disappear!

JD: Okay, okay!

V: Slap me, pull my hair, touch me
Both: THERE, AND THERE, AND THERE!

And no more talkin',

V: LOVE this dead girl walkin'!
JD: Woah woah. Hey hey. Yeah yeah.

Both: Love this dead girl walkin'!
JD: Woah woah. Hey hey. Wait Wait--

Both: LOVE THIS DEAD GIRL!

YEAH! YEAH! YEAH!

JD: Ow!

Both: YEEEAAAH!

H C.: Hellooo, slut.

V: Oh, god... how did you get in here?!

H C.: I'm like oxygen! I'm everywhere.

Really, Veronica?!
Sleeping with Psycho Trenchcoat Kid?

[laughs]

I will crucify you for this.

Everyone at school's gonna know

Good Little Veronica is nothing
but a dirty whore.

V: Heather... why are you
SO determined to hurt me?

H C.: Because I can!

It'll be so very!

S: VERY. VERY. VERY! VERY!

H C.: [cackling]

V: [screaming]

JD: Woah! Veronica.. VERONICA! Veronica!

V: [chokes and gasps]
JD: God, you're soaking wet!

V: Oh, my god....
Oh my god, it was just a dream.

JD: What's the rush?

V: I need to get to Heather's house.

JD: What?!
You told me you were done with Heather.

V: Yeah, and it was a sweet fantasy!
A world without Heather!

A world where... everyone is free.
Now it's morning.

I have to go kiss her arobacized ass.

JD: No.
V: Yes.

I'm.. not strong, like you are.

JD: Let me come with.

V: ...Really?

JD: [chuckles] Yeah. ...For backup.

V: Okay! Um....

Uh... by the way...
Um...

You were my first!

V: Heather?

HEATHER!

H C.: Whaaaat?

V: Um...

It's Veronica, I'm here to apologize.

H C.: Hope you brought kneepads, bitch!

Fix me a prairie oyster,
and I'll THINK about it.

V: Prairie Oyster?

Oh! Wait, okay. Uh...
Raw eggs, um.. vinegar,

JD: Hot sauce, worcestershire,
salt and pepper.

V: Ha.. you know your hangover cures.

JD: My dad trained me well.

V: Look look look look,
here's my revenge, ok?

I'm gonna put a flemglobber in her
prairie oyster and she'll never know!

Ready? Watch.

[cat coughing up a hairball sound]

It's coming, it's coming.

[hacks and spits]

[laughs]

JD: I'm more of a 'no rust build-up'
man myself.

V: Oh, ok!
Don't be a dick, that stuff woud kill her.

JD: Thus ending her hangover!

I say... we go with Big Blue.

V: [scoffs] You can't just go....

Uh...

Except she would never
drink something that looks like that.

JD: You're right.

We'll use a mug! That way,
she'll have no idea WHAT she's drinking.

V: [clears throat]

JD: Chickeeeen! [clucking]

V: You know, you're not funny.

JD: Okay.

Okay, yeah. I'm sorry.

H C.: PRAIRIE OYSTER!
CHOP CHOP!

JD: Veronica, you...

V: What?

JD: ...Nevermind.

V: Okay!

Good morning, Heather.

H C.: Awww, Veronica.

And Jessie James, quelle surprise.

Well, let's get to it!
Beg!

V: Okay, um... I-I think that last night,
we both said a lot of things that--

H C.: I, actually, would prefer
you did this on your knees.

In front of your boy toy here!

V: Um...

V: I'm-I'm really sorry--
H C.: [laughs]

Do I look like I'm kidding?

DOWN.

Nice....

But you're still dead to me.

[choking]

CORN... NUTS!

JD: Hoooly shit!

V: Wait, wait, wait wait....

Oh my GOD.

OH MY GOD!
DON'T JUST STAND THERE, CALL 911.

JD: It's a little late for that.

V: Heather! ..Heather!!
Heather....

Oh my god....

Oh my god, I just KILLED my best friend!

JD: And your worst enemy!
V: Same.. difference!!

The police are gonna think that
I did this on purpose.

Oh my god... they're gonna have to send
my SAT scores to San Quentin.

JD: Unless...

Oh, look! She was reading...
The Bell Jar!

V: Oh, no.
JD: Oh, yes!

You can fake her handwriting.

Just.. make it sound deep.
Like this...

I had pain in my path...
like Sylvia Plath...

JD: My problems were myriad.
V: I was having my period.

[laughs]

[continues laughing]

[still laughing]

OH MY GOD!

JD: This isn't funny, you could go to jail!!
Get your head on straight, NOW.

V: Okay! Ok, ok, ok, ok... Um, Heather
would never use the word "myriad", 'cause

she missed it on her vocab quiz last week.

JD: So it's a badge for her failures
at school! WORK. WITH. ME.

V: Okay! Okay. Um...
Where do I start?

JD: Think... long and hard.

What would she say?

What's her.. her final statement
to a cold, uncaring planet?

V: Okay, um...
Dear world, uh...

Believe it or not, I knew about fear.
I knew the way loneliness stung.

I hid behind smiles,
and crazy hot clothes.

V: I learned to kiss boys with my tongue.
JD: That's good.

V: But ohhh, the world, it held me down.
Uh...

It.. weighed like a...
concrete prom queen crown.

H C.: No one thinks a pretty girl
has feelings.

No one gets her insecurity.

I am more than shoulder pads and makeup!

No one sees the me inside of me.

Jesus... you're making me sound
like Air Supply.

JD: Keep going. This has to be good
enough to fool the cops.

Cop 1: Woooah! Is it murder?

Cop 2: No, look. Suicide note!

H C. (and V): They couldn't see past
my rock star mystique,

they wouldn't dare look in my eyes!

But just underneath was a terrified girl,
who clings to her pillow and cries.

My looks were just like prison bars.

They've left me a myriad of scars!

H C.: "Myriad"! Nice.

All: No one thinks a pretty girl
has substance!

That's the curse of popularity.
Cops: Popularity!

Mr. Chandler: I am more than
just a source of handjobs.

All: No one sees the me inside of me!

Principal: Heather Chandler's not
your everyday suicide.

Coach: Principal Gowan,
you should cancel classes.

Pr: No way, Coach!

I send the kids home before lunch, and the
switchboard'll light up like a xmas tree!

We're just gonna have to power
through this thing.

Ms. F: Our children are dying!!
Look,

I hate to pull out my counter culture
bonafides here, I really do,

but what this school needs is a good
old-fashioned rap session.

Now, I suggest we get everybody into the
cafeteria and just TALK and FEEL together.

Pr: Thank you, Ms. Fleming.
Call me when the shuttle lands.

Ms.F: [laughs] Go ahead,
laaauugh at the hippie!

But I am telling you, we all misjudged
Heather Chandler.

This is the loveliest suicide note
I have ever read.

F and HC: Box up my clothing for Goodwill,
and give the poor my NordicTrack.

Donate my car to crippled kids,
or to those ghetto moms on crack.

Give them my hats and my CDs,
my pumps, my flats, my 3 TVs.

All: No one thinks
a pretty girl has feelings.

But I weep for all I failed to be.

Maybe I can help the world by leaving.

Maybe that's the me inside of me!

Pr: Aw, hell!
Long weekend for everybody!

[all cheering]

Ms.F: Alright, not so fast, kids!
Here, take these and pass them around.

Now, they're refueling the buses, which
gives us... a solid half hour of healing.

I've mimeographed copies of suicide note
so you all can FEEL Heather's anguish.

H M.: I never knew about her pain!
Ms.F: Go on...

Boy: Her life had hit a rocky patch!
Ms.F: FEEL.

Girl: Deep down, she wasn't cruel or vain!
Ms.F: HEAL!

Students: She didn't mean to be a snatch!

Ms.F: Veronica. You've been awfully quiet,
what's on your mind?

V: Uh...

Maybe Heather realized that, uh, in order
to be happy, she had to give up her power,

And that the only way to do
that was... death?

Ms.F: My god! Look what we've done,
we're breaking through.

Heather would be so proud of you!

Students: And you, and you, and you!

No one thinks a pretty girl can touch you!

Girl: ...Heather touching me!

S: But she's made us better than we were!

Heather's dead, but
she will live inside me!

S: And I'll be the me inside of her!
H C.: Holy crap...

THIS IS AWESOME!

S: Heather cried, our sins fell on her
shoulders. H.C: JESUS CHRIST!

S: Heather died so we could all be free!
H C.: I'M BIGGER THAN JOHN LENNON!

S: Heather's gone, but
she will live forever!

M: She's the dove that sings
outside my window!

Boy: She's the twin from who
I'm separated!

Girl: She's the horse I never got
for Christmas!

S: Heather sees the me inside of me!

Heather is... the me inside of me!

INSIDE OOOOF

ME!

H D.: At a time like this, negative people
choose to focus on their grief.

Well, I hate those people. Because I am a
very positive person. I remember

the good times, like when Heather
and I got our ears pierced at the mall--

I can still hear those
late night talks on the phone.

[speaking Mandarin(?)]

-she said, "CORN NUTS!" [still in Mandarin(?)]

V: AHH, NO! Turn it off, turn it off,
turn it off, turn it off!

Damn, how many networks did she run to?

JD: Why son, I didn't hear you come in.

Bud Dean: Yeah pop, I wanted to
introduce you to my new girlfriend!

V: Oh, hi! Hey, uh, I'm Veronica.

BD: Drink up, cutie.

V: It's a little.. early.

JD: Dad, hey champ, you know we don't condone
underage drinking in this household.

BD: Ohh, so you're a good girl.

V: Um... uh...

JD: Veronica was just leaving-

BD: Come on, relax. Just havin' some fun!
Huh? [chuckles] Sit, sit.

Work was a real pain in the ass today.

Some damn tribe of withered old bitches is
trying to stop my poor ol' dad from

blowin' up this fleabag hotel.

All because Glenn Miller once took a dump there.

Just like Kansas. You remember Kansas?

JD: Yeah.

The "Save The Memorial Oak" Society.

My pop showed those tree humpers.

Thirty bricks of C4 explosives
stuck to the trunk.

HE WAS--

Both: ARRAIGNED BUT ACQUITTED!

JD: Goddamn Kansas.
BD: Hell of a time, hell of a time.

BD: So pop,
can I invite my girlfriend to supper?

JD: Uhhh, I don't think that's such
a good idea, son!

BD: Come on, pop!

Don't be a square.

V: Oh! I.. um...

I appreciate the offer, I-I really do,
but I-I can't stay, actually

'cause my mom is making my favorite..
meal tonight, it's spaghetti!

...with looots of oregano!

JD: Nice.

Last time I saw MY mom,
she was waving at me out the window

of a library in... Texas.

Right, dad?

BD: Right, son.

V: Okay! Well, see you tomorrow!

Dear diary, JD's dad will NOT
be speaking at our wedding.

V: Hello?

H M.: Veronica? I need help,
I'm at the cemetery.

V: What's wrong?

H M.: Just hurry up, please?

It's an emergency.

V: Okay!

[V taps on car window]
[H M. rolls window down]

V: Hey! Hi, uh... is Kurt okay?

H M.: Oh, he passed out.

Me and Kurt and Ram and Heather Duke
came out to pour a jub of Thunderbird

on Heather's grave, you know,
from her homies?

But Kurt and Ram drank it all.

Kurt: Nooo!

H M.: Then Heather and Ram
went off together and...

Kurt started grabbin' me
and wouldn't stop.

V: Wait, af- after everything..
that happened at Ram's party,

why did you call ME?

H M.: Oh, well that was the deal.

If I got you to come,
Kurt promised to leave me alone!

V: So...

So YOU avoided date rape...

by volunteering ME...

FOR date rape.

H M.: God, you make it sound ugly.

V: I'm leaving now.

K: Heyyyyy, Veronicaaaa!

I waited 10 whole beers for you!

H D.: GODDAMNIT, Ram! I SAID I'm DONE!

R: Come on, Heather, don't walk away!

H D.: Sober up, idiot.

Heather, unlock the door!

[car door opens and closes]

R: You can't leave me like this!
[slams face on car window]

R: You're causing physical pain
in my area!

It's science, I need relief!

K: [grunts and points at Veronica]

R: Heyyy, 'Rrrronicaaaa.

V: Eugh.. you've got a left hand, use it.

K: Don't talk mean like that!

R: You'll hurt their feelings....

V: Wait... whose feelings?!
What are you talking about?

R: You make my balls so blue.

K: You hurt them badly

R: You make my balls so blue.

K: They're hanging sadly.

R: What did they do to you?

That you hate them so.

K: Don't run from me.

They're all beat up

Both: Like a tackling dummy!

K: They long for your embrace.

R: They're warm like mittens.

K: They'll curl up on your face.

R: And purr like kittens.

K: You make my balls so blue.

Both: Just look at them glow!

R: They're begging you!

Both: Don't make my balls so blue!

[V knocking on the car door]

V: Heather!

Heather! Open the door!

H M. & D: Oh no! Oh no, no, no!

V: What... open the door!

H M. & D: Oh no! Oh no, no, no!

K: You make my balls so blue

So please say hello!

R: Hold 'em!

K: And fold 'em!

Both: And never let go!

K: Once you were geeky and nerdy.

R: But they knew you're dirty!

K: You're set them on fire!

Both: What ever you require they'll do!

So take them home

to meet your parents!

R: They'll wear a suit and tie.

And a fancy collar!

R: They'll sing a lullaby.

Both: La la la la la.

Please make these balls not blue!

R: Just for a while

K: Can't wait til later.

Both: My pants are rubbin' like a

hot cheese grater!

V: Hey give me that one!

LOOK! Booze! Drink!

K: Aw! Thank you so much!
V: You are so welcome.

R: They will protect you,

K: Defend you,

R: Respect you,

K: Befriend you-

R: Like Winnie-the-Pooh!

K: Baby, baby, baby!

They're so blue!

R: My balls will work for you!

They will obey ya!

R: They really need rescue,

Like Princess Leia!

Both: Baby you've gots to come through!

K: Teach them to smile!

You've got no clue

How much these two

Depend on you!

Please help them through!

K, R, & Heathers: My balls are in your court!

K &R: Yeah!
H. M & D: You make them balls so blue!

K &R: You make my balls so blue!

H. M & D: You make my balls so blue!
K: Oooh! Ow!

You make them balls so blue!
H. M &D: You shake them
K &R: Oh god!

You quake them.
K &R: My balls!

You break-

K, R, & Heathers: You make my balls so blue!

H. M & D: You take them
R: Lookit!

You bake them!
K: Lookit!

H. M & D: Chrissake

You make my balls so blue!

Please make their dreams come true!

And make these balls not blue!

V: Dear diary,

Close call last night, uh...

The only person at the Westerburg who

could actually control Kurt and Ram

was Heather Chandler.

And she is dead.

H C.: Shoulda thought of that
before you killed me!

[hacking and choking] God!

I'm gonna be coughing up
drain cleaner for eternity!

[hacking]

V: Uh..

I didn't technically kill Heather,

and I know that, but I still... feel bad.

But...

not as bad as I should...?

And that... makes me feel even worse.

Oh hey, guys!

Still really looking forward
to that apology from both of you

for being two ice cold bitches last night!

H D.: Um, cleaning out Heather's locker?
Little respect?!

H C.: [scoffs] Heather Duke was such
a sad little poser.

Veronica, tell her to stop
touching my STUFF!

Veronica!

H C.: VERONICA!
V: SHUT UP, HEATHER!

H D.: YOU shut up!
I don't have to shut up ANYMORE!

H M.: Hey, that's Heather's scrunchie!

H D.: Shut up, Heather!
H M.: Sorry, Heather....

H D.: Heather Chandler is gone.
It's up to me to replace her!

V: Replace Heather Chandler?

H D.: Please!

You need to worry less about me,

and more about your reputation.

Kurt and Ram have been telling the whole school

about your little three-way last night.

JD: Three-way?

V: Oh!...

No- there was no three-way,

nothing happened.

H D.: I remember differently.

I seem to remember there was a--

Kurt & Ram: Big sword fight in her mouth.

Preppy stud: And she allowed it!?

K, R & Prep: Big sword fight in her mouth.

H. C & D: It sure sounds crowded.

K: And then we both went south.

R: And planted our flags!

K: My big salami.

K & R: Ba-bent her over like origami.

Whoa ooh!

Whoa ooh!

Whoa ooh!

Whoa ooh!

Everybody was sword fighting

in her mouth!

Yes we're convinced it,

went down right in her mouth!

H. C: I hope she rinsed it!

Ram: She blew and blew and blew

Like they were balloons!

K: She lapped us up

R: Like a hardy stew

K & R: She bit on more than

she could chew!

H. D: She'll do the same for you!

She blew not one guy but two

She blew and blew and blew.

She's like a freak in a zoo.

H. D: Veronica blew two
She blew and blew and blew

And every word is true.

Veronica blew two!

H. C: Yeaaah!

Students: Freak! Slut! Psycho!

Slut! Punkass! Slut!

Freak! Slut! Psycho! Slut! Punkass-...!

K and H D.: Whoooore.

[Kurt laughing]

V: Oh my god....

Are you ok?

V: Can you look at me? Are you ok?

JD: Yeah, yeah I'm fine...

How about you?

V: Oh yeah, no, I'm fine, I'm um...

I'm awesome, I...

I'm s- I'm sorry about the waterworks. I just-...

JD: They made you cry,

but that will end tonight.

You are the only thing that's right

about this broken world.

Go on and cry.

But when the morning comes,

We'll burn it down and then,

we'll build the world again.

Our love is God.

V: Are you ok?-

JD: I was alone.

I was a frozen lake.

But then you melted me awake,

see, now I'm crying too.

JD: You're not alone.

V: You're not alone.

JD: And when the morning comes,

V: When the morning comes,
JD: We'll burn away that tear,

JD: and raise our city here.

V: Raise our city here.

Both: Our love is God.

K: YEAH-LO?

V: Hiii~, Kurt!

K: It's Veronica...

V: Um..

Hey, how did you know it was always

a fantasy of mine to have 2 guys at once?

K: Uhhhhhh...

Uhh..

Lucky guess.

V: Well, if you want it to come true,

then meet me at the cemetery at dawn.

K: Free pussy.

R: And we don't even have to buy it a pizza.

K: WHAAT!
Both: [laughing]

JD: We can start and finish wars.

Both: We're what killed the dinosaurs.

We're the asteroid that's overdue!

The dinosaurs choked on the dust.

They died because God said they must.

The new world needed room for me and you.

JD: I worship you.

I'd trade my life for yours.

We'll make them disappear.

JD: We'll plant our garden here.
V: Plant our garden here.

JD: Our love is God.

V: Our love is God.

JD: Our love is God.

V: Our love is God.

JD: Our love is God.

V: Woah, uh...

V: Is that real?

JD: Yeah.

But we're filling it
with Ich Lüge bullets.

V: Ich Lüge.. what?

JD: My grandad scored them in World War 2.

They contain this powerful tranquilizer.

The Nazis used them to fake their own

suicides when the Russians invaded Berlin.

We, will use them to knock out Kurt and Ram

just long enough to make it

look like a suicide pact,

complete with a forged suicide note.

K&R: Ram and I died because we had

to hide our gay forbidden love

from a misapproving world.

JD: And when the morning comes,

they'll both be laughing stocks.

Both: SO LET'S GO HUNT SOME JOCKS!

K: Hey, hi! Hi!

Hi.

.. VeronicA.

R: So do we just like,
whip it out, or what?

V: Ah!

Take it slow, Ram.

Strip for me~.

R: Okay...

K: Okaaaay~.

V: Oh, wow-

Ohhhh, woooow!

K: You like that?

V: I loooove thaaaat....

K: What about you?

V: Oh! [cough]

Uh.. I was hoping...

you could rip my clothes off me, sport.

K&R: Yeah, we can do that.

K: This is the best!!

V: This IS the best.

V: Okay, count of three!

K: Yeah!!

All 3: One...

Two...

JD: Three!

[Double gunshot]

K: HOLY CRAP!

JD: Stay here, I'll get him.
K: YOU KILLED MY BEST FRIEND!

JD: Kuuurt... KURT!
K: WHY ARE YOU CHASING ME?!

V: ...Ram? Ram, you're just unconscious, right?
K: I'M JUST KIDDING ABOUT THE BO DIDDLEY THING!

V: Ram?!

JD: GET OFF THE DAMN FENCE!
K: I DON'T UNDERSTAND!

JD: We can start and finish wars...

We're what killed the dinosaurs.

JD: We're the asteroid that's overdue.

K: STOP BEING A DICK.

JD: The dinosaurs choked on the dust,

K: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?
JD: They'll die because we say they must!

V: What the FUCK have you done?!

JD: I worship you...

I'd trade my life for yours.

We'll make them disappear.

We'll plant our garden here....

Our love is God.

Our love is God.

Our love is God.

Our love is God.

JD: Our love is God.

V: OUR LOVE IS GOD.

JD: Our love is God!

V: OUR LOVE IS GOD.

OUR LOVE IS GOD!