Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: Standardized Testing (HBO)

Standardized tests: the fastest way to
terrify any child with five letters

outside of just whispering the word "clown."

It's currently testing season all over
the country,

and with that comes the usual flood of
anxiety

and school-produced videos designed to
get kids in the mood.

(singing)

(singing) Get your No. 2 pencils out!

What the test say?

Get your No. 2 pencils out!
Get your No. 2 pencils out!

Look, standardized tests look like amazing
fun.

I wish I could take one right now.

Bring me a pencil - a No. 2, please!

But it gets better, because one elementary
school in Texas

even held a test-themed pep rally
featuring a monkey mascot.

Ooh ah ah!
Time to get funky

Ooh ah ah!
Because here comes the monkey!

Ooh ah ah!
Time to get funky

Monkey, monkey, monkey, monkey

Look - let's all agree, there is
no scenario

in which the words, "here comes the
monkey"

can fail to pump you up.

Just imagine right now I was your surgeon

and I said to you, "I'm about to
put you under.

There's about a 20% chance of survival.

And I have four important words for you.

Here comes the monkey."

(applause and music)

(Oliver) You're going to be looking
forward to that operation.

It's going to be a fun time.

You see? You love it!

The point is - you proved my point!

The point is: those videos and monkey
mascots would have you think

that testing is amazing,

which is why this spate of recent
news stories has been so surprising.

"In the Lower Hudson Valley,
many districts reported that

more than 25% of their students
opted out -"

"More than 1,700 elementary, middle, and
high school students

opted out of taking the PARCC test."

"There were five kids I was with."

(Reporter) "That took the test?"
"Yeah."

"Almost the entire auditorium was filled
with kids that didn't take it."

(Reporter) "Not a single junior showed up

to take the Common Core Smarter Balance
Test this week."

Wow. The entire class boycotted the test.

The only other thing an entire class of
juniors has ever managed to agree on

is that The Scarlet Letter could be told
much simpler with emojis.

Yeah, we get it, we get it.

Red lady, finger-finger, devil, baby.
We've all read the book.

It's a good story.

Now look, is it any wonder that American
students are sick of tests?

Between benchmarks, diagnostics,
pre- and mock- tests,

they take a lot of them.

"Students are taking between 10 and 20
standardized tests,

depending on the grade, a total average of
113 different ones by graduation."

113 is a lot of tests.

It's approaching the amount that
you'd ask your doctor for

the morning after you woke up from a
one-night stand with Colin Farrell.

"Just give me all of them twice."

And this amount of testing can
take a toll.

(Woman) "Teachers have reported kids
throwing up,

kids crying, especially the younger ones.
And it's the pressure -"

That's true. In fact, this happens so much

that official instructions for test
administrators specify what to do

if a student vomits on his or her test
booklet.

And something is wrong with our system

when we just assume a certain number of
kids will vomit.

Tests are supposed to be assessments of
skills,

not a rap battle on 8 Mile Road.

Oh, Eminem, why did your mom make you
spaghetti?

She knew tonight was rap battle night.

So, how did we get here?

Well, the explosion of testing can be
traced back to the '90s,

when you probably remember stories like
these about the state of public education:

(Reporter) "When 40 nations recently took
the International Math and Science Test,

American students scored near the bottom."

That must have hurt.

Especially because you knew the French
children weren't even trying.

(French accent) Go on, play with your
silly numbers.

They tell you nothing of the true nature
of the soul.

I weep for you.

(laughter)

In response to statistics like that-

(laughter and applause)

President George W Bush, on just his
third day in office, announced his No

Child Left Behind program. It passed
Congress with bipartisan support

because of course it did. Voting against
No Child Left Behind is like voting against

No Puppy Left Unsnuggled. What monster
would do that, his name is Patches, and

he needs love!

The program was designed to be data-
driven, and involve testing children

every single year in order to identify and
fix failing schools.

(Bush) The accountability system must have
a consequence. Otherwise it's not much of

an accountability system.

(Oliver) It's hard to argue with any of
that. Unfortunately, accountability is

one of those concepts that everybody
is in favor of, but no body knows how

to make work. Like synergy, or Maxi
dresses; no matter who wears them

they look like a poncho fucked a waterfall.

(laughter)

You look like the ghost of Gwyneth Paltrow
future. "I only haunt brunch! Goooop."

No Child Left Behind increased the number
of federally mandated tests from six to

seventeen. And the fixation on testing was
something which our current president seemed

to be against as he ran for office.

(Obama) Don't tell us that the only way to
teach a child is to spend too much of a year

preparing him to fill out a few bubbles in a
standardized test. We know that's not true.

(Oliver) Wow, that man knew how to pander
to teachers: "And you know what else, there

should be pool tables in the teacher's lounge!
And ever year you should be able to slap one

parent. Vote for me, I'm outta here!"

(laughter)

But once this president took office, he didn't
get rid of tests, instead he added his own

education initiatives like Race to the Top,
which encouraged states to adopt the

Common Core which features a logo of
snails, 69ing. And again, the intentions

here were good. Because we do have
under-performing schools, and there are

major racial and economic disparities in
the quality of education children receive.

And anything that can help us narrow those
gaps is obviously a good thing. The problem

has been implementation. For instance, many
states now tie teacher pay to performance

using one particular approach.

(Reporter) It's called "Value Added Analysis",
rating teachers based on student test scores.

For instance, if a student who ranked in the
60th percentile test higher at the end of the

year, the teacher gets a better rating. If
the student falls, the teacher's rating falls.

(Oliver) Ok, well, that explains why many
teachers' classroom decorations that used

to read: "Believe in Yourself" now say:
"Don't Fuck Me On This".

(laughter)

And while the idea of tying teacher pay to
student improvement sounds great in theory

here's how it can work in practice.

(Teacher) I have four students whose predicted
scores were literally impossible. One of my sixth

grade students had a predicted score of 286.34.
However, the highest a sixth grade student can

earn is 283. The student did earn a 283,
incidentally. Despite the fact she earned

a perfect score, she counted negatively
towards my evaluation, because she was

three points below her predicted score.

(Oliver) That is ridiculous. The only way
she could have hit her predicted score

was if she answered everything right,
wrote a few extra questions of her own,

got those right, and then stapled them
to the test.

(laughter)

That teacher lives in Florida, which uses
this formula to assess teachers. A formula

which looks like the kind of thing that aliens
carve into an anti-Semite cornfield.

(laughter)

And many of these formulas on which
teacher's careers depend were partly

inspired by research, and this is true,
that modeled the reproductive trends

of livestock. Basically, we judge the nuance
of what happens in the complicated world

of a child's mind, the same way that we judge
this. Look, I don't know what we did wrong,

but your child is going to either pass
Algebra, or birth a healthy calf.

I don't know, flip a coin.

With the stakes this high, the test had better
be good. But there is ample reason to suspect

that that is not the case. Just look at the
Florida Comprehensive Assessment Test,

or FCAT, that a Florida school board member
was concerned, and a little suspicious, when

he learned that only 39% of his states' tenth
graders had performed at or above grade

level in reading. So he had an idea.

(Teacher) I asked the district at that point
to give me the closest thing they could,

legally, to the FCAT reading and math test,
and I took it. That test labeled me as a

poor reader, and I have a couple of Master's
Degrees and I've been re-elected four times

and I teach 39 graduate courses at six
Universities in this country.

(Oliver) Ok, ok. We get it, the test sucks,
anything else you want to brag about there?

"Oh, I also know how to play Mary Had A Little
Lamb on the recorder, and guess who can do

16 non-consecutive push ups: this fucking
guy!"

(laughter)

But look, he does have a point. If a test
fails to reflect ability, there are human

consequences. Because one shy Florida
8th grader, who had a near-perfect score

in her Advanced Language Arts class was
asked to leave it last year due to her

inexplicable low scores on the FCAT. And
last fall she told a school board meeting

exactly how that felt.

(Student) Every year I do good in school.
But I get low test--

But I get low test scores on the FCAT and
it feels like a punch in the stomach.

This is unfair and I don't want to lose
my opportunity to take my advanced

classes or get better education because
of this one test.

(Oliver) That is just awful. I take back
about wanting to take a standardized

test. In fact, you know what, bring out
the monkey!

(applause)

Turn off his music! Do not applaud it!
What the fuck is wrong with you?

You made that little girl cry!
Think about what you've done.

No! No! No! Don't you dance it off, you
go and think about what you've done.

(Monkey) Aww.

(Oliver) Shame on you!

(applause)

At this point, you have to ask yourself: if
standardized tests are bad for teachers

and bad for kids, who exactly are they
good for? Well, it turns out that operated

by companies like all these, and let's just
focus on the largest one, Pearson. As of

2012, they had nearly 40% of the testing
market, almost triple their nearest competitor.

And if you've never heard of them, then
congratulations. But, just mention their

name to any parent or teacher in a state
they operate in, and you'll see what happens.

Because Pearson are the educational
equivalent of Time Warner Cable. Either

you've never had an interaction with them
and don't care, or they've ruined your fucking

life. Pearson have a shocking amount of
influence over America's schools, so much

so, that at this point a hypothetical girl could
take Pearson tests from kindergarten through

at least 8th grade, tests by the way that she
studied for using Pearson curriculum and

textbooks, taught to her by teachers who
are certified by their own Pearson test.

If at some point she was tested for learning
disabilities like ADHD, that's also a Pearson

test, and if she eventually got sick of Pearson
and dropped out, well she'd have to take the

GED, which is now, guess what, also a
Pearson test. In fact, the only test they

have no hand in, is the HPV test you might
take in college, and I can only assume that

they'll get on that as soon as they see this
fucking show. Pearson has enjoyed

spectacular growth and profits, and yet
their track record is littered with complaints

concerning technical glitches, slow grading
and even the contents of their tests. Take

what happened in New York, just a few
years ago.

(Reporter) Almost 30 different test questions
have now been declared invalid because

they are confusing or have outright errors.
They've already pulled six questions from

the English exam. Related to a bizarre
passage about a talking pineapple.

(laughter)

(Oliver) A talking pineapple! Well, at the
risk of sounding like a DreamWorks

executive talking to a CGI animator:
"Tell me more about this talking pineapple."

(Reporter) Students have to answer questions
about the story, which they say goes like this:

A pineapple challenges a hare to a race.
Other animals figure the fruit has a trick

up its sleeve, but the hare wins and the
animals eat the pineapple. It ends with the

moral: Pineapples don't have sleeves.

(Student) I was really confused because I
expected a lot more from them.

(Student) That article about the pineapple
and the hare was stupid and absurd.

(Oliver) Yeah, she's not wrong about that
because we looked up that test section

and we couldn't work out all the answers.
That pineapple item doesn't remotely work

as a test question. It barely works as a Doors
lyric. But, it's not just Pearson's questions

that are a problem, it's how they check the
answers.

(Reporter) The company posted this ad to Craig's
List. It's to find people to grade the exams.

(Oliver) Craig's List. They look for scorers on
Craig's List. Pearson chooses test graders

the same way that you'd look for a mattress full
of bed bugs, or a no-strings-attached hand job.

(laughter)

And, just to be clear, this is not just a Pearson
problem. Across the whole testing industry

you can find former graders who will tell you
horror stories.

(Scorer) We looked at an essay every two
minutes. A short answer every five seconds,

every ten seconds. We don't understand your
kids. We don't understand anyone's kids.

(Oliver) That is not an acceptable answer
from a person that may be responsible for

the future of your child. It's barely acceptable
from the manufactures of American Girl Dolls.

"Oh, we make dolls for $100 that kids can't
play with in case they get them dirty. We

don't understand your kids, we don't
understand anyone's kids."

As another scorer points out, sometimes
grades are given out, not based on merit,

but on quota.

(Scorer) I was told when I was beginning
a project that last year there was a certain

amount of two, a certain amount of three,
there's a certain amount of fours. We

expect that to be similar this year. If that's
not similar, they will tell you: "You're scoring

too many threes. We're scoring too many
fours." They'll say: "You have to learn to see

more papers as a three. You have to learn
to see more papers as a four."

(Oliver) That makes no sense if the content
of what you're looking at has not changed.

That's like telling a baseball umpire: "We've
got a problem with batting averages, you

need to see more home runs as strike-outs,
and more strike-outs as doubles. Do it now!"

And I would love to show you more questions
from these tests, but unfortunately that's

not only difficult, it's often illegal. Because
both states and companies have fought to

keep test questions secret by having
teachers and students sign statements

like: "I will not use or discuss the content
of secure test materials." And while they'll

say this is to protect against cheating, it
does seem odd that even if you see

something wrong on the test, you can't
tell anyone. Standardized tests basically

enforce the rule that all subway riders
instinctively obey: If you see something,

keep it the fuck to yourself, we've all
seen someone vomit in a purse before.

Leave it. Focus ahead, and leave it.
Bury it.

(laughter)

Look, we've had more than a decade of
standardized testing now, and maybe it's

time to put the tests to the tests. The
original goal was to narrow the achievement

gap, and boost our scores relative to the
rest of the world. Well, a 2013 study found

no support for the idea that No Child
Left Behind narrowed the achievement

gap, and our scores on the international
tests have not only failed to rise, they're

slightly down. And I do not want to hear
what that french kid thinks of those results.

(French accent) "All this time, and all this
money, and your rise to the top has been,

how you say, a meandering joke on a
treadmill."

(laughter)

All of this calls for a little of what both presidents
asked for when selling their reforms.

(Obama) Higher standards are the right goal.
Accountability is the right goal.

(Bush) An accountability system must have
a consequence, otherwise it's not much of

an accountability system.

(Oliver) Right, so let's look at that. Because
as far as I can see, this is a system which

has enriched multiple companies and
that pays and fires teachers with a cattle

birthing formula, confuses children with
talking pineapples, and has the same kind of

rules regarding transparency that Brad Pitt had
for Fight Club. So, for Pearson, the other

companies, and all the lawmakers who have
supported this system, the true test is going

to be either convincing everyone that it works,
or accepting it doesn't work and fixing it.

Because, at the risk of sounding like a
standardized test scorer, your numbers

are not good. And if it seems unfair to have
your fate riding on a complicated metric that

fails to take institutional factors into
account and might not even tell the

whole story, well you're not wrong about
that, but you do not get to complain about

it. And if all this pressure to increase
your numbers is making you feel nauseous

like you might vomit at any second, then
don't worry, I've got four words for you

that will make you feel better: Here
comes the monkey!

(Music plays)

(cheers)