The Final Straw! - Peep Show

It's Mark's birthday week but instead of a present Jez steals his food, it's the final straw! For more make sure you subscribe to our channel - http://www.youtube.com/user/OfficialPeepShow

That smells good.

Is that a Cumberland sausage?

It's my birthday week
so I'm being nice to myself.

That's an onion gravy, isn't it?

I thought I'd throw a party

and in advance of the party

I'm going to go speed dating.

It'd be great to get a date lined up.

Speed dating? And a party?

Mark, you know that if
you end up a basket case,

I'm the one who's going to have to wheel you around the National Army Museum

Look at us, Jez, we're letting
our lives slip through our fingers

Maybe you don't care,
but I need to get out there

and I'm never going to meet a woman

in a pub or a nightclub

or an art gallery or a book shop, or any
other formal or informal social gathering

Realistically It's just not going to happen.

Do you think you're going to eat all that?

I don't know. It is a bit too much

but I'm hoping if I eat it quickly,
my stomach won't notice.

I'm hungry.

That is not my problem.

I'm the skinny one

I need food more than him

Yeah, I might just Robin Hood
this baby

He's such a tightarse, won't even replace
the wide screen

How are they supposed to
brainwash me with their adverts

if I can't even see them properly?

Recognise this, Jeremy?

I went to get the Cherry Garcia out to defrost

and look what I found inside.

"Look, I know what you think
happened

"and yes you're right,
I have eaten all your ice-cream."

This is it, this is the line.

You have crossed the line.

Read the mitigating circumstances

There are loads

A sausage has gone!

Oh my God, Jeremy,

A sausage is missing!

Is this what it's come to?

I've got to carry my food around
with me now

To stop you from

Right, well, I'm sorry,
you've driven me to this

What are you doing?

I'm making a list of
all the household items

that you have permission
to consume.

Oh, for God's sake.

Toilet paper, OK.

Soap, OK

But not shower gel, and no razors.

If you're poor, grow a beard.

Tea bags are allowed, within limits.

Limits? What limits?

No making a pie out of tea
or anything weird.

Look Mark, lay off, will you?

The thing is, and... I keep
meaning to tell you this, but

basically a few years ago
Mummy gave me a nest egg

and I kept on meaning to invest,

but it turns out

I've spent it.

You ate your nest egg?

You're meant to sit on
your nest egg till it hatches,

not eat it like some
greedy, mad chicken.

Well, the solution's obvious.

Get a job.

Yeah, fine, whatever,

but it's difficult, you know?

There just aren't that many
media positions out there.

That's the reality.

So? Do something else, 
get on your bike.

I can't believe you're trying to make me
get a job not in the media.

You're such a bastard.

You have to pay rent,
Jeremy

that needs to happen.

Put the sausage back

I'm deadly serious.

You never pay any rent... If you start
stealing from me as well, that's it

you'll have to move out.

This is the final straw.

'Mmm, delicious Cumberland
final straw,

dripping in onion gravy. '

The results are in.
What does the swingometer say?

Well, I'm afraid you've
got no matches for dating.

What? None? But number 23
said she was definitely going to tick!

That's a verbal contract!

Well, maybe you could
take her to court.

Speed dating, I'd be
better off speed skating.

'Doesn't really work
but she gets the point.

'I'm just another reject slowly
slipping out of the gene pool

'to get hoovered up
by the sex industry. '

'Oh, Saz, she implied
she might be ticking.

'Maybe she did tick, maybe the data
wasn't collated correctly.

'Maybe she's my hanging chad. '

Hi, remember me?

Um...

Mark, we had a three-minute date
about 15 minutes ago.

Yeah, sorry, sorry,
I'm just a bit all over the place.

I just got a message from this guy
I just split up with. He wants me

to move all my stuff out of his
apartment by the end of the week.

We only just split up on Tuesday.
What a knob.

That's terrible, but... Budvar?

- Yeah, great!
- 'I'm buying her a drink.

'Got to order before
someone nicks my idea. '

'Yeah, I'll get on my bike.

'My bike's my big dick. '

Jeremy Usbourne?

'Wow, she's hot.

'Maybe she's a sort of warm-up act. '

- Cubicle three.
- Great, thanks.

Listen, I just wanted to say
I'm sorry.

What for?

For what goes on through there.

I just want to assure you

that I'm not the same as the rest
of these feckless come-shedders.

So, if you ever need anyone for a...

private donation,
you've got my details.

'Oooh, bit creepy. Spermy atmosphere
is cramping my style.

'Right. Time to open
my sticky bank account. '

'Hey, where's the porn? No porn?

'Am I supposed
to just dry hump myself?

'Must be something I could use?

'Would it be wrong?

'Why not? It's a free country.

'OK, Queeny, it's back in the '50s,
you're nice and young,

'you've just been coronated,
I'm taking off your cloak.

'No, leave the crown on.

'Ooh, what's this, stockings?

'You've been getting through
your nylon ration book pretty quickly,

'you naughty, sexy Queen!

'Oh, shit.

'Right, here we...

'Oh. Elgar?!

'Oh, I've totally lost it now.

'Thanks a bunch, Elgar'

'What's my stuff doing in the hall? '

Jez, I didn't realise
you'd be back so soon.

You're redecorating.
Oh, you felt bad about before.

That's nice. Not sure about that
for the ceiling colour,

but then it's not me that looks
at that - it's the chicks, right?

Right.

The thing is, it's not for you,
mate, it's for Saz.

Sorry? Saz? Saz who?

What Saz?

Hi!

Saz is having that room,
I've invited Saz to move in.

What the fuck? You're kicking me out?

Not right away. You can stay on
the sofa until you find a new place.

It's just not viable for you to
take up a whole room for free.

What? And what do you call this,
exactly?

A loaf of delicious
Vogel linseed bread.

Benecol margarine, soya milk, marrow?

What's wrong with linseed bread and
marzipan and Ryvita and radishes?

It's Continental.

I know why you're buying it,
because you know I don't like it.

But you don't like it either.

If you're going to steal my food,
Jeremy, I prefer you not to enjoy it

and not enjoying it myself
is a small price to pay.

Look, if you had some career

other than wanking into a cup, maybe
you could buy food and pay the rent.

- What's she paying, then?
- Saz? Well, nothing... I-initially.

But, Jeremy, look, the thing is,
I think she might be the one.

And I could never win
with a woman like that

on the sexual battlefield, but
in here, I can pipe in Barry White

while she's asleep, pretend I need
a back rub, fall asleep on her lap.

Right, so that's what it
comes down to, is it?

You don't want to bone me,
so I'm out. It's that brutal.

Have you seen the old man
down by the seamen's mission?

Yes, not very fuckable, is he?
Screw him. That's what it is, isn't it?

'OK, Sophie due over tomorrow
for the break-up handover.

'Nothing too heavy.
Olives, crispbreads, dips.

'These are the heartbreak snacks.

'No stewed ribs
or chocolate dildos. '

You all right, Marco?

Listen, I've just got
a couple of mates around

and we're getting smashed,
is that cool?

Brilliant. I was going to ask if you might
be able to make yourself scarce

tomorrow night.
I've got a bit of ex stuff.

Yeah, whatever.
Hey, listen, Marco,

you wouldn't have any fucking nose powder
on the sly, would you?

No, I don't really...

Why don't you run out
and get us some coke, eh, Marco?

Go on, get us some coke,
you big freak. Then we can sit around

watching your porno collection!

To be honest, I don't really know
where to get coke

and I don't have a porno collection.

Sure you do, you're getting a chubby
just thinking about it,

aren't you, mate?
You filthy little dirt box!

Hey, man, Marco's got a chub on!

Come on, girls,
let's get shitfaced.

Wow, this is great, isn't it?
Three fun-loving girls in the flat.

Anything could happen.

I suppose anything could happen.

Anything could happen.

They might shag us.

Don't say it, Jeremy.

- They might shag each other.
- There's no need to actually say it.

If you say it,
you'll break the spell.

- I'll open the tequila.
- Good idea.

This is probably their dealer.
What shall I say to their dealer?

Soph.

Hey, Mark.

But... The handover's
not till tomorrow night.

I think I would remember, Mark.

No, look, I'll show you in my diary.

See, tomorrow night -
you've got it wrong.

Oh, right. Well done, Mark. One
point to you. Sorry. Can I come in?

No?

What?

Maybe we should stick
to the appointed...

OK, I guess, if... if you're here.

'OK, let's try and keep this
festival of recriminations brief. '

Ignore the girls, they're Jeremy's girls,
they're not my girls.

No way! Oh, my God!

Thanks for my stuff.

Here's your stuff. It's so great
that you could come round.

I'll see you in the office, I guess.

I thought the whole point was
we were going to have

a bit of an air clear. Unless of
course this is a bad time for you.

'No, not sitting! '

I don't know if I'm
up or down at the moment.

Tolly from the office
asked if I wanted to go for a coffee

and I told him to get lost.

Then I realised, I've got
to move on at some time, so...

Hey, Mark, get back in here
so Lindsey can jerk you off!

What?

No-one's going to jerk me off,
Sophie, it's just a stupid joke.

I'm not the one
that's going to jerk you off,

she's the one
that's going to jerk you off!

Please, carry on.

Are you trying to humiliate me?

What? God, no.

Mark, come and put your tongue
up Lindsey's arsehole, it's clean!

Yeah, well you seem to have moved on
pretty fucking quick.

Look, I'm sorry.

They're Australian, they think
it's all fine. I'm so sorry, Soph.

'I don't even want to put
my tongue up anyone's arsehole. '

'Ugh. So little sleep.
Third night in a row.

'I'm living in Animal House. I don't
want to live in Animal House.

'I want to live in
one of the other houses.

'Little House On The Prairie.
Hello, this is more like it.

'Sexy girl at breakfast.
Finally getting my bonus ball. '

Morning.

What's going on, Marco?

I mean, what the fuck am I doing?

Last night I took all this speed

and I copped off with this guy.
I don't even remember his name.

'Oh, shit, I'm out of my depth.

'What do I do? Put the kettle on?

'The sound of the kettle
might drown out her tears. '

and everything's just fucked!

'This is my very own
anti-drugs commercial. '

I'll get you a tissue.

What the fuck am I doing
in this country anyway?

How are you doing?

Terrible.

I was in the hall
for most of the night.

What's so funny?
That's what I want to know.

I don't know.

I just think they were...
laughing generally.

I don't think they're ever
going to screw us, do you?

No. No, I don't.

When are they going to leave?

I might ask Saz to leave.

I'll get some money, really I will.
I just need to sleep, Mark.

If they don't go, I might have to go.

So, er, Saz, listen,
I've been thinking.

It's been
really great having you here

but now you've done the South,
the London Eye and the Trocadero,

so you probably want
to be heading up North.

Not really.

But there's a Harvey Nichols in Leeds

everyone goes on about as if
that's the answer to something.

Look, don't kick me out, Marco.

There's an Anzac Memorial
in Huddersfield.

The truth is, I've... actually
started to really like you.

You... like me?

Yeah, I... I want to go out with you.

Wow. OK, so,

I could tell people that...
you were my girlfriend?

Well... we might take things slow
to start with, yeah?

Sure, but we could still have fun

and watch, you know, Morse,

and people could see us out together,
like at my birthday party on Friday,

and I could put a photo of us
on Facebook?

Sure, all that stuff.

So, can I... stay?

Course you can stay.

When a man loves a woman...

Maybe this could be our song.

Sure, why the fuck not?

'OK, well, money might not
buy you love, but apparently

'a furnished flat can get you
a reasonable simulation. '

So, when's she moving out?

She's actually not moving out
straightaway.

Have you given her a time limit,
cos when you chucked me out,

no time limit, and here I still am.

Yes, well, she's...

she's not moving out, because...

we are now a couple.

We've started a relationship.

In the last two minutes?

You can't put a stopwatch
on the human heart, Jeremy.

Romance just blossomed,
in the kitchen.

What's going on?

She is so doing a number on you.

This is the fucking limit.

I need to get some sleep, Mark.

But Jez, where are you going?

I don't know, Super Hans or
Pedge's houseboat or Big Suze.

Jez, Suze is back with Johnson

and Pedge's houseboat's never going
to be released from Rotterdam.

Sheesh. What a knob.

'Hope he'll be OK.

'I guess we're moving on.

'Yes, it's me and my hired concubine
for a day of sterile conversation

'and sexual frustration.

'Unless I... '

You don't, do you,

fancy a bit?

I'm not... sure. Um, maybe later?

Of course. Later.

So, I'm off to Frankfurt this afternoon.

Now, normally,
I'd appoint a caretaker manager.

'Oh, Johnson, let me count the ways

'how I admire the organisational
and interpersonal skills of thee.

'Right in front of me, nice.

'Reckon Sophie was
almost definitely the one.

'Yep as soon as she's horrible to me,
realise I want her - classic. '

Oh, ah! 'The bloody lever's gone! '

- Lever, get the lever!
- What?

The lever's gone!

Mark, are you OK?

Agh-agh!

Agh! Ah... Ah.

Ah. Oh, wow. Oh, God!

And for his next trick, Mr Corrigan
will slide a 2B pencil up his anus.

'Oh, acute social embarrassment
plus intense physical pain.

'I'm really pushing the envelope. '

- Agh.
- You OK, Mark? What happened?

I don't know, I was just
looking at Sophie and then...

Yeah, she could be a bit more subtle,
couldn't she?

- Is she taking Tolly to your birthday?
- Well, I need the numbers, so...

Perhaps it would be better if you left
the self-harming for the weekend, mate.

Jeff's doing a joke
Jeff's doing a joke

Everybody quiet
cos Jeff's doing a joke

Freak.

Nice.

Anyway, about the party, I mean,
Scumpy Pete wanted to go with me

but I thought, if you wanted,
for moral support, we could go together?

Us?

'Oh, got to choose -
nice geeky Dobby

'or Saz, my primetime
newsreader-type girlfriend? '

Dobby, listen, that's lovely,

but the thing is,
I'm going with my... girlfriend.

You've got a girlfriend?

Don't sound so surprised.

OK, well, cool.

'Did the right thing there,
pretty sure.

'Don't listen to your heart.
That's what no-one tells you,

'but that's the real grown-up truth. '

'OK, I'm homeless
and she's got a home, it's a perfect fit. '

Jeremy, you look terrible.
What's going on?

Mark kicked me out so I
don't have anywhere to live right now.

But I'm actually
really enjoying myself.

Oh, Jeremy, you poor thing.

So, listen, I was wondering, depending
on what you're doing, and stuff,

whether or not
I might come and live with you?

You know I'm back with Alan.

Oh, we can get rid of Johnson.
I mean, the guy's a dick, so...

- He takes very good care of me.
- I could take very good care of you.

I'm not a hobo.

Look, Alan's in Frankfurt, but even so,
I really don't think you can stay here.

Listen,
my sister runs this men's refuge.

If you cut yourself,
they'd have to let you in.

Yeah?

Yeah. I'll just get the number.

'God, look at all this stuff.

'Lovely stuff you could steal,
then sell, then eat and...

'Is that Johnson's credit card?
With the pin?

'If someone does that,
you're supposed to rob them!

'Just one sandwich.
I'll post it right back. '

'Thank you, Johnson.

'Got my rotisserie chicken,
got my kilo of extra-mature Cheddar,

'bottle of Cristal, gonna slip on my
headphones, slap a DVD on the portable

'and have me a homeless,
hip-hop, cheesy luncheon banquet.

'It's a victimless crime. Johnson
will report it stolen. Who loses?

'Wallace & Gromit?
Gromit doesn't care, Gromit's fine. '

Hi.

Just buying some stuff, if that's OK.

Just tap in your pin for me.

'Here we go again. This is so easy.
What's going on?

'Come on, come on, come on,
come on. Why won't it go?

'Nothing's happening.

'Shit, I'm gonna get caught.
I'm going to be Tasered alive. '

Your card's the wrong way round.

Oh, of course!

Wrong way round. Yeah.

My card, my silly card... Bad card!
Always wrong, aren't you, card?

'Calm down, not too much. '

And can I get �30... �50 cashback,
as well, please?

'8008- that is a nice pin.

'Oh, Elgar! Why do you always find me
at my lowest points, Elgar? '

'Dancing with my girlfriend
at my party. Look at me now, Dad,

'look at me now. '

Whoo-hoo! More music! We want more!

Another drink?

Oh, yeah, fill her up, babe.

'Did she wince? That's not good.

'Wincing isn't mentioned
by the Romantic poets. '

Hey, Mark, lot of people.
Lots of people I didn't know you liked.

Meat in the room, Gerard,
meat in the room.

Bottle of Beck's, please,
and a vodka for my girlfriend.

Just leave my girlfriend's drinks here.
I can give them to my girlfriend later.

Corrigan, nice piece of arm candy
you got there.

- Do you really think she's the one?
- Who knows? She could be the one.

Love moves in mysterious ways.

Whoa, hello,
she's getting jiggy to this one.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she loves
this one. This is one of her faves.

Yeah, there, there she goes!
That's... that's Saz.

That is Saz all over.

That is so her.

Are you OK with that?

Oh, hell, yeah, yeah.
She's just having a bit of fun.

She's a minx, isn't she?
This is all a part of our whole thing.

We'll probably go home after this
and just, really, you know...

Have you seen what they're doing?

Yes, I've bloody seen what they're
doing! It's fine, all right? It's cool.

Look, let's have a funny one!
Do you have the Barron Knights?

- Hey, Mark!
- Jeremy?!

- Happy birthday, man.
- What's this?

You're always saying about
taking up the violin,

- so I thought, now's your chance.
- Wow, a violin!

- Hello, Jeremy.
- Johnson!

- What the fuck? You're in Frankfurt.
- Am I?

Well, I hate to contradict you.

How did you afford this, Jeremy?

Something's come through for me.

So, listen, Jeremy, I got a call today

saying that my credit card had been
used to buy various items...

'Oh, shit! '

including a violin, a Ted Baker suit

and a bass guitar once played by Sir Paul
McCartney from the Hard Rock Cafe.

Yes, naturally.

That's why I was coming to see you,
to let you in on our scam.

'Oh, great'

Our scam?!
- Yes.

I load up on goodies, you put a call in
saying your card's lost - shazam!

You get your cash back,
plus a little extra, everyone's a winner.

No, it's why my APR is at 16%.

If it wasn't for lowlifes like you, my APR
would probably be only around 12%.

Alan, I'm sorry, but he's not a criminal.
He's just an idiot.

- I'm calling the authorities.
- No, stop!

Alan, I'll pay... I'll pay up for him.

You came that close.

Let's boogie, baby.

Bloody hell, Jeremy,
you can pay me back in instalments.

OK, fine, everyone wins.
I get my suit, you get your violin.

I don't want a fucking violin!

I want to learn the clarinet,
and I can't, and I've already got one.

Well, learn the violin, as well.
Chill out.

And now a special request
for Mark, the birthday boy!

When A Man Loves A Woman

Our tune.

This is our tune.

If you wanna dance with her,
dance with her.

'Yes, I've taken this long enough.

'We have an arrangement.
That's my rallying cry.

'We have an arrangement. '

Do you mind if I cut in?

Um, babe, can you fuck off?
I'm kinda busy.

Happy birthday, mate!

Nice party.

'This is it - the worst party ever.

'My misery has peaked.

'Oh, no, look at that! It hadn't peaked.

'Oh, and there's more.

'Good, yes. Great.

'This is all just great. '

Maybe we should... if you fancy it?

No, I don't really fancy it.

'That's right, dance...
Dance the night away,

'but you'll pay me back, Jeremy,

'even if you end up dancing in cages
at fetish bars. '

Paranoia, paranoia

Everybody's comin' to get me

Just say you never met me

I'm runnin' underground
with the moles, diggin' holes