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What's up cinephiles,
I'm Evasive,
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and this piece of paper right here
means two things:
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Number one, I am tens of
thousands of
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dollars in debt,
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and number two, I know a lot
about movies.
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And since it looks like the U.S
government
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is not going to be giving me any
debt relief this year,
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I have no choice now but to
torture myself on the Internet
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for money to pay off the loans
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I took out to go to film school.
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(eEeEewWwWw!)
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So for this video, I watched every
movie that's ever won
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a Razzie Award for Worst Picture
of the Year.
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This was an extremely painful
experience
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and I regretted my decision
immediately,
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but for the sake of my adoring
fans
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and my bank account,
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I went ahead and watched all 46
of these
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movies so I could explain them to
you.
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But after the grueling experience
of watching all these movies,
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I'm not about to tackle this
breakdown alone.
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So I went ahead and roped in
another video
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essay girly and a talking trash can
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to help explain some of these
movies for me.
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But before I get to the movies, let
me explain what the Razzies are.
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The Golden Raspberry Awards are
an annual event,
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usually held the night before the Oscars,
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to give out awards for the worst
movies of the year.
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It was founded by Hollywood
copywriter
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John Wilson and editor Maureen
Murphy.
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The idea for the Razzies came
about
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in 1980 when Wilson saw
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Can't Stop the Music and Xanadu
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back to back and hated them both
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so much he thought there ought
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to be an award show for this type
of thing.
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Months later, Wilson hosted an
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Oscars watch party at his house,
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and after the Oscars had finished,
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he and Murphy passed out ballots
to everyone at the party to vote
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on the worst movies of the year,
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and then he announced the
winners in his living room.
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Over time, the ceremony grew and
grew,
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and today they're considered a
staple
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of the Hollywood award season
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as a low-budget Bizarro World
Oscars
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that distributes awards in
categories
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such as Worst Actor, Worst
Director,
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and Worst Screenplay.
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Unlike the qualifications for voting
at the Oscars, though,
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becoming a Razzie voter is very
easy:
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either be friends with one of the
producers
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or just pay a $40 membership fee.
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That's all it takes.
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So that's the story of the Razzies.
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Now, are you ready to learn about
every single movie
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that won Worst Picture?
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Because I wasn't.
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There's 46 of these things, so I'm
going to talk about each one
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just a minute or two
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and hand off a few to my guests
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so I don't completely lose my mind here.
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Also, I put a content warning on a
bunch of these movies
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because of the sensitive subject
matter I discuss.
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Not trying to traumatize anybody
but myself in this video...
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well, me and my guests.
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But I commissioned them for this,
so i-- it's fine.
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Anybody who can swallow
two snowballs and a ding-dong
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shouldn't have any trouble with pride.
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[Evasive] The first movie to win
Worst Picture was "Can't Stop The Music".
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A movie about the "origins"
of the disco group "Village People".
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I say origins in air-quotes because
the Village People play themselves
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and the plot is completely made-up
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and not at all how
the Village People actually formed
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The movie itself is super campy
and full of these crazy musical numbers
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that are unironically kinda great.
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It's just too bad that in between
those musical numbers are these scenes
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with really terrible acting
that go on for way too long.
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"Wait a minute! I am not taking one
more step 'til I know where I'm going."
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"Yeah, quit my job, and you
got me walking the beat again!"
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- "And I'm not even getting paid for it!"
- "Hey, hold your horses."
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"I told ya I had a surprise for ya."
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"I hope so. I turned in my
coin change with the toll booth."
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[Evasive] By 1980 the disco fad was
almost over and
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people loved to hate on
disco music at the time
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so you can see why this
ended up being such a huge bomb.
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Also, shockingly, this movie marks the
first film appearance of Caitlyn Jenner
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and apparently the experience was so bad
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she didn't appear in a movie again until
"Jack & Jill 2011".
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And, uh, well.
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Mommie Dearest is a "biopic"
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about the life of actress Joan Crawford's
adopted daughter Christina.
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Again, I say biopic in air-quotes
because the movie was based on
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Christina Crawford's controversial memoir
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that other members of Joan Crawford's
family disavowed when it came out.
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I haven't done much research on the topic
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so I'm in no position
to question this story.
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But I will say that after
the movie was made
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Christina said the film was grotesque
and not true to her memoir.
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Released just 4 years after
Joan Crawford passed away,
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this movie basically spits all over
her fresh grave
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and portrays her as a horrible mother
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who frequently, physically and emotionally
abused her daughter.
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Whether or not this is actually true
is still a matter of debate.
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Regardless of the real-life circumstances
behind the movie,
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Faye Dunway's performance
of Joan Crawford is iconic now.
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People who have unfortunately
experienced emotional abuse from a parent
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found her performance
scarily true to their own life experiences
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but general audiences thought
she was just being outrageously campy
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and over the top the whole movie.
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Because of its reputation, the movie
became a queer cult classic over the years
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especially in the drag community.
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It was even featured in the most
recent season of RuPaul's Drag Race.
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"No wire hangers!"
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♫ No more wire hangers ♫
♫ Ah, ah! ♫
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♫ No, no, wire hangers ♫
♫ No, no, no, no ♫
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[Evasive] Inchon is a movie about
the battle of Incheon in the Korean War.
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It was financed and produced
by the Unification Church,
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a movement that was and still is
considered a dangerous cult
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with a leader who called himself
the second coming of Jesus Christ.
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The film's producer was
a very wealthy member of the church.
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He said he was instructed by God
to make the film.
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So, unsurprisingly, no investors wanted
any part of this.
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All 46 million dollars of the budget was
provided by the church and its followers.
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The film itself doesn't have much
to do with the Unification Church.
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It's a straightforward war movie that's
just boring and unremarkable.
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It had some star power but only because
the actors in it were paid a lot of money.
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With Laurence Olivier even admitting
before the movie was released
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that he was only in it for the money.
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It was such a flop that no one
even bothered to release it on home media.
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The only available version
of the movie today
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was from an old VHS rip from when it
played on Unification Church TV channel.
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The only thing worth seeing in this movie
was Laurence Olivier's makeup job.
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I mean he looks like the Joker.
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This movie is just tasteless.
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it's based on a novel by Harold Robbins
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who was paid 600 000 dollars
for the film rights
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and apparently fell asleep
in the screening room
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and never actually watched the movie.
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First of all, in the first 15 minutes,
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young Ray Liotta,
in his first ever movie role,
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sexually assaults the main character
with a garden hose.
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After that the rest of the movie
is just her being forced to have sex
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with gross older men
in order to get ahead in Hollywood.
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And you see all of it.
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It seems like it was trying to criticize
sexism in Hollywood
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but instead of handling it
with any kind of nuance or respect,
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the movie fully shows the sex scenes
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and does the very thing
it's trying to critique.
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The final scene of the movie shows
her winning an Oscar for Best Screenplay
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and calling out the men
who took advantage of her
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in her acceptance speech.
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Then she's booed off stage, and leaves,
and the movie just ends there.
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It's really uncomfortable to watch.
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But somehow the next movie is even worse.
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Ugh, god, ok.
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Bolero is a movie by John Derek.
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John Derek is—
(groan)
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John Derek was an old Hollywood actor
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who appeared in supporting roles in
several big movies in the 1940s and 50s.
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In 1973 when Derek was 47 years old,
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he traveled to Europe to direct
a low-budget movie called
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"Once upon a Love" starring
a 16 year old girl named
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"Mary Cathleen Collins".
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During the production—
(retching)
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I'm sorry.
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During the production,
John Derek left his wife
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and groomed Mary Collins
into a sexual relationship,
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With the two staying in Europe
until she turned 18
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so he could avoid
statutory (censor beep) charges.
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When they got married a few years later,
she changed her name to Bo Derek
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and proceeded to star in all of his movies
until he died in 1998.
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(retching)
(vomit squelching)
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I'm sorry.
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So anyway, Bolero was a movie
about a young woman fresh from college
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who travels to Morocco in Spain
to lose her virginity.
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If that wasn't bad enough,
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this movie features a full-frontal
nudity scene with a 14 year old girl.
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Not an actress playing a 14 year old girl.
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An actual 14 year old girl.
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(retching, vomit squelching)
(coughing)
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If you've never seen any
Rambo movies before
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the image you probably associate
with the word "Rambo"
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is the one where
hypermasculine Sylvester Stallone
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is firing a machine gun
without a shirt on.
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But see, that's actually from this movie,
"Rambo First Blood: Part II",
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which has very little to do
with Part 1 at all.
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The whole point of
the first Rambo movie was that
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Rambo was a Vietnam War veteran
with severe PTSD
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who snaps and kills a bunch of
small-time cops who treat him like shit.
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This sequel, on the other hand
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throws that tragic anti-war character
out the window
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as the US government sends him
back to Vietnam
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to locate prisoners of war
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and Rambo is weirdly ok with that.
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It's like he immediately got over his PTSD
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and just got straight to blowing stuff up,
no problem.
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This movie was
a massive box office success
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and made double of what
the first movie made,
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so naturally, Rambo III also ditched
the anti-war angle
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and sent Rambo to Afghanistan.
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I dunno if someone thought
the first movie was amazing,
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it really sucks to see how quickly
they ruined this character.
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But, like, I get it.
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The people who went to see
these sequels in theaters
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didn't watch it for the plot.
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They watched to see
Sylvester Stallone do this.
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(bow twang)
(explosion)
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In the early 80s, Prince was a rising star.
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And his stardom was cemented in 1984
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with the massive hit that was Purple Rain.
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After the success of Purple Rain,
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Warner Brothers told Prince he was basically allowed to do anything he wanted for his next project,
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greenlighting Under the Cherry Moon without even reading the script
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the story is, Prince plays a guy in the French Rivier named Christopher
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He and his friend Tricky try to scam a rich girl out of her inheritance
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but they both end up falling in love with her.
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Problem with the movie became apparent early on
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when Prince hired someone with no experience to write the script.
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Then 16 days into filming, the director quit.
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And Prince took over even though he had no experience directing a movie before.
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The end result was a movie that features what I can only describe as
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Acting.
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"Don't try anything funny.
Not this time, Christopher."
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"I want the money or I throw you both out onto the street."
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(gasp)
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"That's right, [inaudible]"
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"Throw me onto the street?"
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It's bizarre, it's one of those movies where the acting is so bad it loops around to being funny
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which has given the movie a bit of a cult following over the years
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that and the soundtrack is amazing
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like with Purple Rain Prince released an album with the movie that went Platinum
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and is today remembered as one of the most iconic movies of his career
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After Under the Cherry Moon failed, Prince tried one more time to direct a feature-length movie
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but that one got nominated for a bunch of Razzies too
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and after that he gave up and never tried to direct a movie again.
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Also this here marks the first ever tie in Razzies history with Under the Cherry Moon tieing with
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(laughing)
Howard the Duck.
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(laughing)
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Greetings, Evasive viewers, it is I, young Junko, expert in Bird Law
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and I'm here to defend my client Howard T. Duck,
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star of the Razzies' Worst Film of 1986, Howard The Duck
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For nearly the last 40 years my client's reputation has been tarnished and slandered against
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by quack punch, chicken shit critics for this tragic box office bomb.
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"Central character, the Duck, the one that we're gonna be rooting for,
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he's neither funny, or bit of funny."
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But I'm here to clear the air.
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Howard the Duck is not a movie, no, it's a documentary.
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I know this because I was there.
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We all were.
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My entire clan witnessed my client crash land on Earth
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to star in a motion picture that of which has been
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it's still awful. It's bad. We're not winning this case, buddy.
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"I wasn't trying anything. Honest!"
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This is a strange movie to say the least.
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Howard the Duck notoriously opens with 2 instances of
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full frontal duck booba in the span of 30 seconds.
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But the rest of the movie is this whiplash
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between what's a squeaky clean full house type family movie
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that no one older than the age of 3 years old would find funny
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followed by things like Marty McFly's mom showing off her ass and
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pulling off a condom for Howard's corkscrew.
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"Howard…"
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It's like anti-matter Shrek where they didn't know how to mix adult humor and the kids' [inaudible] properly yet
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so [inaudible] becomes this overly long bland comedy
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with hardly any intentional laughs
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that just happens to throw in something totally obscene every now and then
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- [Howard] Oh!
- I just can't resist your
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intense animal magnetism.
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There's a lot of attempts at duck puns, most are just replacing a random phrase in a word with "duck"
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"That's it. No more Mr. Nice Duck."
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Even the director's name is Willard Hyuck.
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That's a duck name. That's a name you give a duck.
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The first half of the movie has Howard pointlessly meandering
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there's no funny interactions or observations or memorable bits
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it's just an aimless movie with the guy in the duck suit.
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You have an entire portion of the movie
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where Howard has a job as a towel boy in a sex club
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it's fun for the whole family!
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Yeah, Breeders, what the hell.
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Bareback bestiality and pedophilia.
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Oh yeah, we find Howard getting a [inaudible] as a result of a [inaudible] incident.
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Which also [inadubile] a Palpatine somehow returning from the dead and possessing the body of that one actor that's in every 80s movie who'd later be arrested for being a sex pervert.
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"Whaddya think you'd like to eat?"
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"I no longer need human food."
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I need little boy butts.
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You have a movie where a talking duck fires a giant laser
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at a hell portal to stop a horde of alien warlords
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from taking over the Earth
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and they still manage to make it a total snooze fest
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They try to give Howard a bit of edge
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but he still feels too kiddy and sanitized for what they're going for
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And part of that is his design.
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He looks like a cross of a Furby and Mac Culkin.
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There are some things I did like,
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like these alien overlords are pretty cool
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their design and their stop motion is really well done
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and the sequence where Howard gets shot into space
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is pretty neat, pretty impressive to look at.
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I like this sequence where Howard and [inaudible] get a [inaudible]
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and start flying away from the cops
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that was good.
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Yeah, Tim Robins is in this
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Imagine having what's considered one of the best movies of all time as part of your portfolio
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and then on the other end of the spectrum having Howard the Duck,
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now that's range
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Genuinely I was taken aback because some of the shots in this movie
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undeniably go hard.
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I feel like there's a version of this movie that could've actualy been good with less work
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like if they leaned into Howard being this cynical wise-cracking duck
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that's down on his luck who gets thrust into Earth and finds this strange new realm
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isn't so much different from his own
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then it's all about the bills baby put it on my belt
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[inaudible] taking that as an opportunity for a fresh start,
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slowly climbing his way up the corporate ladder
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until becoming a national celebrity that gets caught up in consumerism and greed