You are not alone in your loneliness
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0:01 - 0:03Hello.
-
0:03 - 0:05I'd like to introduce you to someone.
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0:05 - 0:08This is Jomny.
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0:08 - 0:11That's "Jonny" but spelled
accidentally with an "m," -
0:11 - 0:12in case you were wondering,
-
0:12 - 0:13because we're not all perfect.
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0:13 - 0:15Jomny is an alien
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0:15 - 0:19who has been sent to earth
with a mission to study humans. -
0:19 - 0:22Jomny is feeling lost and alone
and far from home, -
0:22 - 0:26and I think we've all felt this way.
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0:26 - 0:27Or, at least I have.
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0:27 - 0:30I wrote this story about this alien
at a moment in my life -
0:30 - 0:33when I was feeling particularly alien.
-
0:33 - 0:36I had just moved to Cambridge
and started my doctoral program at MIT, -
0:36 - 0:42and I was feeling intimidated and isolated
and very much like I didn't belong. -
0:42 - 0:44But I had a lifeline of sorts.
-
0:44 - 0:48See, I was writing jokes
for years and years -
0:48 - 0:50and sharing them on social media,
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0:50 - 0:53and I found that I was turning
to doing this more and more. -
0:54 - 0:58Now, for many people,
the internet can feel like a lonely place. -
0:58 - 1:00It can feel like this,
-
1:00 - 1:02a big, endless, expansive void
-
1:02 - 1:06where you can constantly call out to it
but no one's ever listening. -
1:07 - 1:10But I actually found a comfort
in speaking out to the void. -
1:10 - 1:13I found, in sharing
my feelings with the void, -
1:13 - 1:15eventually the void started to speak back.
-
1:16 - 1:20And it turns out that the void
isn't this endless lonely expanse at all, -
1:20 - 1:22but instead it's full of
all sorts of other people, -
1:22 - 1:26also staring out into it
and also wanting to be heard. -
1:26 - 1:29Now, there have been many bad things
that have come from social media. -
1:29 - 1:31I'm not trying to dispute that at all.
-
1:31 - 1:35To be online at any given point
is to feel so much sadness -
1:35 - 1:38and anger and violence.
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1:38 - 1:39It can feel like the end of the world.
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1:39 - 1:41Yet, at the same time, I'm conflicted
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1:41 - 1:45because I can't deny the fact
that so many of my closest friends -
1:45 - 1:48are people that I had met
originally online. -
1:48 - 1:52And I think that's partly because
there's this confessional nature -
1:52 - 1:53to social media.
-
1:54 - 1:58It can feel like you are writing
in this personal, intimate diary -
1:58 - 1:59that's completely private,
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1:59 - 2:02yet at the same time you want
everyone in the world to read it. -
2:02 - 2:05And I think part of that, the joy of that
-
2:05 - 2:08is that we get to experience things
from perspectives from people -
2:08 - 2:11who are completely
different from ourselves, -
2:11 - 2:12and sometimes that's a nice thing.
-
2:12 - 2:14For example, when I first joined Twitter,
-
2:14 - 2:17I found that so many of the people
that I was following -
2:17 - 2:20were talking about mental health
and going to therapy -
2:20 - 2:23in ways that had none of the stigma
that they often do -
2:23 - 2:26when we talk about these issues in person.
-
2:26 - 2:29Through them, the conversation
around mental health was normalized, -
2:29 - 2:32and they helped me realize
that going to therapy was something -
2:32 - 2:34that would help me as well.
-
2:34 - 2:36Now, for many people,
-
2:36 - 2:40it sounds like a scary idea
to be talking about all these topics -
2:40 - 2:43so publicly and so openly on the internet.
-
2:43 - 2:48I feel like a lot of people
think that it is a big, scary thing -
2:48 - 2:52to be online if you're not
already perfectly and fully formed. -
2:52 - 2:56But I think the internet can be
actually a great place to not know, -
2:56 - 3:00and I think we can
treat that with excitement, -
3:00 - 3:04because to me there's something
important about sharing your imperfections -
3:04 - 3:08and your insecurities
and your vulnerabilities -
3:08 - 3:09with other people.
-
3:10 - 3:12(Laughter)
-
3:12 - 3:15Now, when someone shares
that they feel sad or afraid -
3:15 - 3:17or alone, for example,
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3:17 - 3:19it actually makes me feel less alone,
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3:19 - 3:22not by getting rid of any of my loneliness
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3:22 - 3:25but by showing me that I am not alone
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3:25 - 3:26in feeling lonely.
-
3:26 - 3:28And as a writer and as an artist,
-
3:28 - 3:32I care very much about making
this comfort of being vulnerable -
3:32 - 3:35a communal thing, something that we
can share with each other. -
3:35 - 3:38I'm excited about
externalizing the internal, -
3:38 - 3:42about taking those invisible personal
feelings that I don't have words for, -
3:42 - 3:45holding them to the light,
putting words to them, -
3:45 - 3:47and then sharing them with other people
-
3:47 - 3:51in the hopes that it might help them
find words to find their feelings as well. -
3:51 - 3:53Now, I know that sounds like a big thing,
-
3:53 - 3:56but ultimately I'm interested
in putting all these things -
3:56 - 3:58into small, approachable packages,
-
3:58 - 4:01because when we can hide them
into these smaller pieces, -
4:01 - 4:04I think they are easier to approach,
I think they're more fun. -
4:04 - 4:07I think they can more easily help us
see our shared humanness. -
4:07 - 4:09Sometimes that takes the form
of a short story, -
4:09 - 4:13sometimes that takes the form of
a cute book of illustrations, for example. -
4:13 - 4:15And sometimes that takes the form
-
4:15 - 4:17of a silly joke
that I'll throw on the internet. -
4:17 - 4:21For example, a few months ago,
I posted this app idea -
4:21 - 4:22for a dog-walking service
-
4:22 - 4:26where a dog shows up at your door
and you have to get out of the house -
4:26 - 4:27and go for a walk.
-
4:27 - 4:29(Laughter)
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4:30 - 4:32If there are app developers
in the audience, -
4:32 - 4:34please find me after the talk.
-
4:35 - 4:38Or, I like to share every time
I feel anxious about sending an email. -
4:38 - 4:40When I sign my emails "Best,"
-
4:40 - 4:42it's short for "I am trying my best,"
-
4:42 - 4:46which is short for "Please don't hate me,
I promise I'm trying my best!" -
4:47 - 4:49Or my answer to the classic icebreaker,
-
4:49 - 4:52if I could have dinner with anyone,
dead or alive, I would. -
4:52 - 4:53I am very lonely.
-
4:53 - 4:55(Laughter)
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4:58 - 5:02And I find that when
I post things like these online, -
5:02 - 5:03the reaction is very similar.
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5:03 - 5:05People come together to share a laugh,
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5:05 - 5:06to share in that feeling,
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5:06 - 5:08and then to disburse just as quickly.
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5:08 - 5:10(Laughter)
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5:10 - 5:13Yes, leaving me once again alone.
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5:14 - 5:19But I think sometimes these
little gatherings can be quite meaningful. -
5:19 - 5:21For example, when I graduated
from architecture school -
5:21 - 5:23and I moved to Cambridge,
-
5:23 - 5:24I posted this question:
-
5:24 - 5:26"How many people in your life
have you already had -
5:26 - 5:28your last conversation with?"
-
5:29 - 5:33And I was thinking about
my own friends who had moved away -
5:33 - 5:35to different cities
and different countries, even, -
5:35 - 5:38and how hard it would be
for me to keep in touch with them. -
5:38 - 5:41But other people started replying
and sharing their own experiences. -
5:41 - 5:44Somebody talked about a family member
they had a falling out with. -
5:44 - 5:47Someone talked about a loved one
who had passed away -
5:47 - 5:49quickly and unexpectedly.
-
5:49 - 5:51Someone else talked
about their friends from school -
5:51 - 5:53who had moved away as well.
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5:53 - 5:56But then something really nice
started happening. -
5:56 - 5:57Instead of just replying to me,
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5:57 - 6:00people started replying to each other,
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6:00 - 6:03and they started to talk to each other
and share their own experiences -
6:03 - 6:04and comfort each other
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6:04 - 6:07and encourage each other
to reach out to that friend -
6:07 - 6:09that they hadn't spoken to in a while
-
6:09 - 6:12or that family member
that they had a falling out with. -
6:12 - 6:17And eventually, we got
this little tiny microcommunity. -
6:17 - 6:19It felt like this support group formed
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6:19 - 6:22of all sorts of people coming together.
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6:22 - 6:25And I think every time we post online,
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6:25 - 6:27every time we do this, there's a chance
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6:27 - 6:29that these little
microcommunities can form. -
6:29 - 6:33There's a chance that all sorts
of different creatures -
6:33 - 6:35can come together and be drawn together.
-
6:35 - 6:37And sometimes, through
the muck of the internet, -
6:37 - 6:40you get to find a kindred spirit.
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6:41 - 6:44Sometimes that's
in the reading the replies -
6:44 - 6:48and the comments sections and finding
a reply that is particularly kind -
6:48 - 6:50or insightful or funny.
-
6:50 - 6:52Sometimes that's
in going to follow someone -
6:52 - 6:55and seeing that they
already follow you back. -
6:55 - 6:59And sometimes that's in looking at someone
that you know in real life -
6:59 - 7:02and seeing the things that you write
and the things that they write -
7:02 - 7:05and realizing that you share so many
of the same interests as they do, -
7:05 - 7:07and that brings them
closer together to you. -
7:07 - 7:09Sometimes, if you're lucky,
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7:10 - 7:11you get to meet another alien.
-
7:13 - 7:15[when two aliebns find each other
in a strange place, -
7:15 - 7:17it feels a litle more like home]
-
7:17 - 7:19But I am worried, too,
because as we all know, -
7:19 - 7:22the internet for the most part
doesn't feel like this. -
7:22 - 7:24We all know that for the most part,
-
7:24 - 7:28the internet feels like a place
where we misunderstand each other, -
7:28 - 7:32where we come into conflict
with each other, -
7:33 - 7:38where there's all sorts of confusion
and screaming and yelling and shouting, -
7:38 - 7:40and it feels like
there's too much of everything. -
7:40 - 7:42It feels like chaos,
-
7:42 - 7:46and I don't know how to square away
the bad parts with the good, -
7:46 - 7:48because as we know and as we've seen,
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7:48 - 7:51the bad parts can really, really hurt us.
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7:52 - 7:57It feels to me that the platforms
that we use to inhabit these online spaces -
7:58 - 8:00have been designed
either ignorantly or willfully -
8:00 - 8:04to allow for harassment and abuse,
to propagate misinformation, -
8:04 - 8:08to enable hatred and hate speech
and the violence that comes from it, -
8:08 - 8:10and it feels like
none of our current platforms -
8:10 - 8:12are doing enough
to address and to fix that. -
8:13 - 8:16But still, and maybe
probably unfortunately, -
8:16 - 8:20I'm still drawn to these online spaces,
as many others are, -
8:20 - 8:24because sometimes it just feels
like that's where all the people are. -
8:24 - 8:26And I feel silly
-
8:26 - 8:28and stupid sometimes
-
8:28 - 8:33for valuing these small moments
of human connection in times like these. -
8:33 - 8:36But I've always operated under this idea
-
8:36 - 8:41that these little moments of humanness
are not superfluous. -
8:41 - 8:43They're not retreats
from the world at all, -
8:43 - 8:45but instead they're the reasons
why we come to these spaces. -
8:46 - 8:49They are important and vital
and they affirm and they give us life. -
8:50 - 8:53And they are these tiny,
temporary sanctuaries -
8:53 - 8:56that show us that we are not
as alone as we think we are. -
8:58 - 9:01And so yes, even though life is bad
and everyone's sad -
9:01 - 9:03and one day we're all going to die --
-
9:03 - 9:05[look. life is bad. everyones sad.
-
9:05 - 9:08We're all gona die, but i alredy bought
this inflatable bouncey castle -
9:08 - 9:10so are u gona take Ur shoes off or not]
-
9:10 - 9:15I think the inflatable metaphorical
bouncy castle in this case -
9:15 - 9:20is really our relationships
and our connections to other people. -
9:23 - 9:24And so one night,
-
9:24 - 9:27when I was feeling particularly sad
and hopeless about the world, -
9:27 - 9:29I shouted out to the void,
-
9:29 - 9:31to the lonely darkness.
-
9:31 - 9:34I said, "At this point,
logging on to social media -
9:34 - 9:37feels like holding someone's hand
at the end of the world." -
9:37 - 9:39And this time, instead of
the void responding, -
9:39 - 9:42it was people who showed up,
-
9:42 - 9:46who started replying to me and then
who started talking to each other, -
9:46 - 9:49and slowly this little
tiny community formed. -
9:49 - 9:51Everybody came together to hold hands.
-
9:52 - 9:56And in these dangerous and unsure times,
-
9:56 - 9:58in the midst of it all,
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9:58 - 10:03I think the thing that we have
to hold on to is other people. -
10:03 - 10:07And I know that is a small thing
made up of small moments, -
10:07 - 10:11but I think it is one tiny,
tiny sliver of light -
10:11 - 10:12in all the darkness.
-
10:12 - 10:14Thank you.
-
10:14 - 10:18(Applause)
-
10:18 - 10:19Thank you.
-
10:20 - 10:23(Applause)
- Title:
- You are not alone in your loneliness
- Speaker:
- Jonny Sun
- Description:
-
Being open and vulnerable with your loneliness, sadness and fear can help you find comfort and feel less alone, says writer and artist Jonny Sun. In an honest talk filled with his signature illustrations, Sun shares how telling stories about feeling like an outsider helped him tap into an unexpected community and find a tiny sliver of light in the darkness.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 10:36
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for You are not alone in your loneliness | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for You are not alone in your loneliness | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for You are not alone in your loneliness | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for You are not alone in your loneliness | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for You are not alone in your loneliness | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz accepted English subtitles for You are not alone in your loneliness | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for You are not alone in your loneliness | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for You are not alone in your loneliness |