Louis CK "Chewed Up" - Part 3 of 6

Louis CK stand up comedian

I went 'cause my ankle, I was like limping for a month out of no where, and the doctor, he brings me and shows me an xray of my ankle and he's like

"Yeah your ankle is just worn out"

I was like "What do you mean, I injured my ankle?" and he's like "No, it's just shitty now."

"You see that dark area? Bleck, it's all hardened... they get like that and they're not good anymore."

I was like "Well goodbye? There's nothing? There's no option, it's just incurable shitty ankle? That's it?"

And he goes, "Well, there's things you can do... you can stretch for half hour a day you should stretch your ankle"

I was like, "How long will that take to fix it?" and he's like "No, you just do that now, that's just a new thing you do, until you and your shitty ankle both die."

I was like, "Dude this hurts a lot" and he goes, "Well you can take Aleve, just take Aleve, you can buy it and just take it, and you can take whatever amount, it doesn't matter don't pay attention to the dosage"

I'm like "really?" and he goes "Yeah, you can take 10 a day, you'd be fine," he say take 10 Aleve a day..

I said, "Doesn't that stuff like hurt your intestines?" he goes, "Oh yeah, it'll do some intestinal damage after a while, but you just gotta weigh that against how much you like your ankle not hurting."

This is all totally true by the way, this is exactly what happened. And at one point I was like "What if I was like an athlete or something?" he goes, "You're not an athlete.."

"So no to whatever else you were about to say"

It's bleak. It's harder for old people. My grandmother is 95, she can't see out of her left eye, it just shut off...

The last time we went to see her she's like "I can't see out of my left eye" and we're all like, "Uggh, hey what was chistmas like in the '40s?"

Maybe that'd run out the clock on the eye thing if we're luck, y'know?

So I go to her doctor, he's always at the end of the hall like 8 feet away from her. So I go to the doctor and say "She can't see out of her left eye at all."

And I swear to god he goes, "Well she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her head."

I swear to god, that's exactly what he said... I remember it because I was blown away by how none of his education he applied to this paticular diagnosis.

He said that she's PROBABLY got a bunch of tumors in her HEAD. He's a doctor and he called it her head.. he almost said "fucking head" I swear to god.

Like that's what he was thinking, "she's probably got a bunch of tumors in her fucking head, who gives a shit that old cunt will be dead in a week, I ain't gonna get up outta my desk because of her eye"

"What does she need two eyes to see the shitty place you fucking put her because you don't love her enough"

I ain't there yet, I'm halfway there. 40 year old guys are not good specimens either.

I have a friend who has a lot of young girlfriends and he goes a little too young.

And it's not okay, he brings them around and you're like "Dude.. don't" like I literally pointed at her face and said "Don't fuck her, that's awful" because it's just bad, y'know?

But so he was going to hav esex with her one night and he said he wanted to go all night, like he really wanted to last a long time, so he said "I'm gonna drink a lot of milk so I can have a lot of sex"

I was like, "Who told you that that mattered?" and he goes, "Well you can cum more if you drink milk"

This guy actually thinks that you run outta cum but if you drink milk your body goes, "Oh dude that's perfect! Just send that right through"

"Nobody will know the difference, just send it through"

You run outta cum and milk it doesn't matter just send it right through.. spray it all over his cat's face, whatever he was doing...

What? I'll cum on my cat's face.

If she's watching, she's gonna get a face full of cum, she knows that by now. It's her fault now.

Cum on my cat's face once, shame on me...

...I don't have a cat, I never had one. I mean would cum on a cat's face I'm not trying to take that back, I just don't happen to have a cat.

I have a dog, and I had a dog when I was a teenager and... yeah, I did once, I- I made my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls.

Which is something you know can't un-know. You just know it. I did this.

And I only hesitated to start the sentence only because I wasn't sure whether to say that I LET my dog lick cottage cheese off my balls or that I MADE him...

And really, considering how much dogs love cheese I think I made him an offer that he couldn't refuse I think that's probably the fairest way to put it.

I remember it so clearly, and I remember the look on the dog's face, he was like "aww fuck, dude what's wrong with you?"

"Why are you doing this to us? Just put it on a plate, why do I have to lick it off your god damn balls?"

"Alright fine, let's do it, I'm doing it I don't care, look you gotta live with it 'cause I'll be dead in like 2 years I'm a dog, this is your problem."

Sorry I'm being so negative... I'm a bummer, I don't know, I shouldn't be, I'm a lucky guy I got a lot going for me. I'm healthy, I'm relatively young. I'm white which thank god for that shit.

That is a huge leg up, are you kiddin' me? Oh god I love being white, I really do. Seriously if you're not white you are missing out because this shit is thoroughly good.

Let me be clear by the way, I'm not saying white people are better. I'm saying that being white is clearly better, who could even argue?

If it was an option, I would re-up every year. "Oh I'll take white again, I'm absolutely enjoying it, I'll stick with white thank you."

Here's how great it is to be white. I can get into a time machine and go to any time and it would be fucking awesome when I get there

That is exclusively a white privilege. Black people can't fuck with time machines, a black guy in a time machine would be like "Hey anything before 1980 no thank you"

But I can go to any time, the year 2, I don't even know what was happening then but I know when I get there, "Welcome we have a table right here for you sir."

"Thank you, it's lovely here in the year 2."

I can go to any time. In the past, I don't want to go to the future and find out what happens to white people because we're gonna pay hard for this shit, you gotta know that.

We're not gonna just fall from number 1 to 2. They're gonna hold us down and fuck us in the ass forever.. and we totally deserve it but for now "weeeeee"

Now if you're white and you don't admit that it's great, you're an asshole

It is great, and I'm a man. How many advantages can one person have I'm a white man, you can't even hurt my feelings.

What can you really call a white man that really digs deep? "Hey cracker!" "Uggh, ruined me day, boy shouldn't have called me a cracker. Bringing me back to owning land and people, what a drag."

I am married though, that takes me down a few pegs. The other night, my wife sent me to Walgreens to get toilet paper because we were out of toilet paper because I had thrown it all in the garbage so I could get out of the house...

So I'm driving to Walgreens, it was nightime and I see a deer and I fucking hate deer, I hate them because they're everywhere up there.

I used to live in the city and I loved deer then because I was liberal and in the city and I'd see deer when you drive out with your friends out to the country