Choices that can change your life | Caroline Myss | TEDxFindhornSalon

In Caroline's unique style, she talks about three key choices people can make to change their life.

Caroline Myss is a five-time New York Times bestselling author and internationally renowned speaker in the fields of human consciousness, spirituality and mysticism, health, energy medicine, and the science of medical intuition.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

As someone who has been
in the healing arts for many, many years -

well, for some years -

(Laughter)

I am an observer.

Those of us who are in the healing arts,

we are observers

of the patterns
that mystify us in what makes-

Why do we become ill?
Why do we break down?

What helps us to become better?

I mean, we are great
mysteries to each other,

and I find it so interesting

that for all the years
that we continue to study us,

that we are such mysteries.

Which should tell us right off the bat

that we continue
to open places within ourselves,

that we ourselves,
as we are the observers,

that we are continuing
to learn how to observe,

and that we as human beings

are continuing to find places to observe.

Let us say that the world behind our eye

is our new frontier.

And that we have become
intrigued with ourselves

in a way that other generations have not,

that this is the new frontier;
we are the new frontier.

And so observing, for example,
why we become ill,

why we don't heal,
has a different meaning

than if that question were asked

before World War II.

The depth to which
we now look at ourselves,

and the depth to which
we're asking that question

is a hologram compared
to how once upon a time

they asked and they were
maybe looking for an infection.

We are looking for a story, a narrative,

reasons that are a complexity.

When I've been working with people now
for three and a half decades,

and as an observer of people,

there are so many, many things
I could share with you,

but I've narrowed them down,
for obvious reasons,

to choice.

I want to emphasize the power of choice.

And perhaps there was a time
when we wouldn't even talk about it,

but we have to talk about that today.

Because choice is a fundamental power
of the human experience.

We need to put choice as an authority,

as a power that is so huge

that if I ran the world

- this is where you should say,
"That's a good idea" -

(Laughter)

if I ran the world,

I would make studying the power of choice
part of every school curriculum.

That everyone should learn
that the power of the choices you make

have infinite consequences.

From the littlest choice
to something that is great big, huge,

and that - here's the paradox -

you have no idea what a little choice is

or a big choice.

What we are used to doing

is believing that a big choice
is an obvious one:

buying a house, getting married,

getting divorced.

In fact, those are your small choices.

The choices that actually matter
when it comes to your health,

when it comes to healing,

when it comes to positioning yourself,

empowering yourself,

are the tiny ones that-

are the choices, I should say,
that you think have the least power,

that you make in the privacy
of your own company,

that perhaps you think
are the most insignificant,

I have found repeatedly,

repeatedly,

are the most powerful
choices of your life,

the most powerful,

that have the most powerful
impact on your biology,

on your soul,

on your sense of who you are,

on your wellbeing,

on your whole life map.

And I'll tell you something else

that these are the types of statements
that are dicey to make

because if someone said,

"I want you to bring
proof of this in a basket,"

I couldn't do it.

But if you listen
with your heart and your gut,

and see if it doesn't settle well there
like good chicken soup.

So I'm going to take you through choices,

the kind of choices
that if you came to me and said,

"I don't feel well.

I don't feel well.

And I have chronic chronicness.

(Laughter)

And I go from one chronicness to another.

I have chronic chronicnesses.

I am always a curmudgeon.

Nothing makes me happy.

I am always complaining,
and I ache, and I'm exhausted.

And I almost make
unexhaustion but I don't.

And I almost like my life
but I actually don't.

And I almost can love someone
but not really.

I almost make it there,
where I actually feel love,

but I don't actually really feel it.

I think I feel it, so I think-feel.

I think-feel.

And every now and again
I kind of get a love high,

but it doesn't last.

I take two aspirins, it passes.

(Laughter)

But then I think maybe it is,
but then it's not.

But then it is,
but it almost is, but not quite.

(Laughter)

So I go to therapist: 'Is this love?'

But if I try hard enough, but maybe,
so I find someone to blame."

Chronicness.

There's never been people like us
who have these issues.

We're extraordinary in our issues.

As I go into this, here's another thing
that is unique about us.

And put this in your chicken soup belly.

We are born knowing certain things;

we're wired for it.

It's in our instinct;

it's in our spiritual instincts,
it's in our soul DNA.

We are born knowing
that choice is powerful.

Choice is the most powerful thing
we've got going for us,

and we know it.

And that's the reason why
we're terrified to make a choice.

I'll ask somebody,
"Where do you want to go for dinner?"

"I don't know."

"Pick a restaurant."

"No."

Can't even pick a restaurant.

People are terrified of making choices.

Terrified of the consequence.

"You choose."

Terrified of being held accountable
for a consequence.

"Well, I don't know what I want to do.
I'll think about it."

The morning, the day -

Your mind gets the day shift;
your heart gets the night shift.

Your mind says, "Well, I think."
Your heart says, "I feel."

And you don't let the two of them
talk to each other.

Because if they do
then you actually have to do something.

Choice terrifies people.

Most people will do anything
to postpone making choices.

So I'm going to help you out.

We're going to go through
a list of choices

that matter,

that matter, that make a difference.

The first choice is the decision
to actually live an integrous life.

And when I say make a choice to do that,
this is the kind of thing I mean.

I don't mean, "Well, I live a good life."

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

I'm talking full-scale
'I'm going to walk the way I talk.'

I'm actually going to do it.

I'm going to live a life of integrity.

Never mind this 'speak my truth,'
I'm actually going to tell the truth.

I'm going to live with integrity.

I'm going to make my choices
according to what I say I believe,

I'm going to live.

And what this means
is that I'm not going to betray myself.

I'm not going to compromise myself.

I'm not going to put myself in a position,
or put myself in any circumstance,

or if I'm in a circumstance,
I'm getting out.

Or I won't force another person,

I won't force another person,

to be in a circumstance
in which I know they're uncomfortable

in order to please me.

I won't hold another person captive

because that has no integrity.

I will not do that.

Now, let me tell you something.

Liars don't heal.

Liars don't heal.

So you can eat
all the wheatgrass you want,

and you can do all this stuff
with seeds and vegetables,

(Laughter)

but an honest person who eats cat food
will go further than you.

(Laughter)

Dishonest people, people who lie,

people who have moral crises
and do not get it,

people who blame others for things
that they do and they know it,

people who make choices,

and they know another person's going
to pay for the consequence of that choice

and they are conscious of it,

they know for a fact that they're
saying something that is not true,

and they know another person's
going to be hurt by that,

people who deliberately
say things to hurt somebody,

believe you me,
your body knows you did that.

Your mind knows you did that.

Your heart and soul know you did that.

So don't tell yourself,
under any circumstances,

that the problem with your depression
comes from your childhood.

Don't go there; knock it off;
and make the decision.

The decision to live an integrous life
means: get this act together.

So it's not as simple as saying,
"I'm a good person."

Knock it off.

This is major league.

Second:

Are you taking notes?

(Laughter)

You make a decision:

I will not pass my suffering on,
but my wisdom.

I make the decision
not to pass on my suffering,

but my wisdom.

So that from the years of your life,
you make the decision:

The gifts that I have to pass on,
I either pass on the wisdom I've learned,

or I will pass on
at this stage, the suffering.

"Oh, my poor life.

Ah, da da, da da, da da, da da."

Or go harvest the wisdom.

What do you want to pass on?

The sludge or the wisdom?

That's up to you.

Everybody has a choice,
and everybody can pass on-

but again, it's the choice.

It's the choice; we all have that.

And believe me, I am not saying
we don't have grief, we don't have pain.

But if we look at life,

there are certain things
that all spiritual-

the great religious traditions,

the great spiritual, holy traditions
have in common.

One of the lessons of these traditions,
one of the great learnings

is that life will never be that wonderful,
rich thing that we want it to be

which is what we call 'fair.'

It will never be that.

It will never be
"Well, that's why this happened."

I had someone tell me one time,

"Well, if I only knew.
If I only knew why this happened to me."

And I said, "And what difference
would that make?"

What if God sent an angel,
and the angel said, "What do you want?

I mean, you've been
banging around down here.

What do you want?"

"I want to know why this happened,
and this happened, and this happened."

What if the angel said, "Because it did"?

Now what?

Now, here's the thing:

Some of the grief and injuries
that have happened to people

are so horrible it's unbelievable.

And the truth is
nothing can make that go away,

nothing can make that better.

And the model of healing
that we have to have

is a model that says healing
is not about ever forgetting those things.

It's not about forgetting.

It's about looking
at what has happened to us

and saying, 'This will never defeat me.

It will never defeat me,
but I will not live in this.

I have to somehow

turn this into my source of wisdom,

but I will not live in woe.

I will not.'

And that becomes this choice.

I have to choose: wisdom or woe.

But I can't make it go away,
and if you can't make it go away

then that is the choice: wisdom or woe.

The third:

the choice to take risks.

Take risks in your life.

Don't wait for proof,

take risks.

And how does this factor into your health?

Because what happens is,

what happens when people become ill

and they feel their
life force diminishing?

They always hit regrets.

You will alwys hit the regret stage.

You will always hit
the 'Oh, I should have done this,

I should have done that,
I should have...'

You will always hit that place
as you begin to feel yourself weakening,

even if you're going to go right back up.

You will hit the regret stage in which
you visit the life you wish you had lived.

Even if you just have a cold.

And one of the regrets that happens

when all of us begin to diminish
in our strength and stamina

is we review the life
we should have had, had we taken risks,

had we not lived a life
in which the way we make our decisions

was based on the fear of being humiliated.

'What if I'm humiliated by this?'

'What if I can't take
the consequences of it?'

'What if I'm too frightened?'

'What if I'm alone?'

'What if this costs me too much money?'

Well, what if?

And to this I would say, go home

and ask yourself 'How many of my greatest
fears have actually really happened?

How many have actually really happened?

How many of my greatest fears
have really happened?'

and then, actually calculate, write down

how many of the most wonderful things
that have happened to me

did I actually have anything to do with?

And probably... two.

I'm giving you the benefit
of the doubt there.

Because if you look, and add,

most of the best things
that ever happened to you,

you didn't have anything to do with.

And if you think, "How did this happen?"

Probably through a lot of things
that you know nothing about

that were actually very risky
and you didn't even know that.

Don't take the safe path.

Don't tell yourself that because-

When you are making decisions
about what to do,

don't look backwards for guidance,

because there's nothing 'back there.'

The reason you are where you are
is because that part of your life is over.

Don't look for 'over' to chart 'new.'

Don't go there.

When it's time to make a decision
about 'I don't know what to do next,'

do not go to who you were, what you did,

because it will pull you back,

perhaps even to places
that don't exist anymore,

to images of yourself that are no more.

You are not that person.

And one of the ways to weaken you

is that it causes you to long for things
that are no longer appropriate,

and they're not in the field yet to come.

What builds vitality,

what builds the desire
to live your life fully and be present

is for you to say,
'It's time for something new.'

Be in the newness, not afraid of it.

Be in that newness.

Be there.

Next:

Choose new words.

I love this.

I love this one.

When I was growing up-
I'm a wordsmith.

I'm a writer, I'm a wordsmith,

but I absolutely adore words.

I actually went to bed
reading the dictionary.

Because every word
is a universe unto itself,

every single word,
and in my workshops,

sometimes if it's appropriate,
I tell people, "What I want you to do

is come back tomorrow
with three words you're going to give me

- no, make it one -

that you will never use again.

Just one, I just want one word,

and you will never use it again.

Never.

And I get to have everything
that comes with that word.

Everything.

And I don't care if the word's
two letters, three, four,

I just want one word."

So imagine if you decided,
"Okay, I'll give you the word 'bug.'"

"I'll give you the word... 'blue,'"
and you'll never see 'blue' again.

Now, I really, really want you
to go home sometime,

in the next couple of days,
after you hear this talk,

and think about if you really
had to yank a word out of your head,

which meant you had
to take the whole world

that went with that word out of your head,

what would you give
that person, what word?

Zebra?

You'd never see a zebra again.

You really want to give up
seeing that animal?

Okay, and everything that went with that.

Now,

when someone says your thoughts
and your words are not powerful,

go to that exercise
and come in through that door,

and then construct the words
that you say to another person,

word by word.

And how powerful every single word is,

not only that you say to another person,
but that you say to yourself.

What are the words you say to yourself?

Words that you should
never utter again to yourself.

Words that you should never, ever use.

Words that you should say,
'What is that word doing in my head?'

When we finally do
quantum energy medicine,

micro energy medicine,

we will finally do energy analysis

at a level that includes
the power of the vocabulary that we use.

And we will be able to say to people:
Your vocabulary is so toxic,

that the vibration of your neurology
includes thoughts,

includes frequencies,

that are so toxic,
that even if you do visualization,

it is offset by a vocabulary

that is organically so negative,

I don't care what your visualization is,

your vocabulary is fundamentally hostile,

it is hostile.

If I had to rate your vocabulary,

it is fundamentally a hostile one
toward everything you see,

toward everyone, and toward yourself.

You get up in the morning
and you are hostile.

Your first thoughts are angry.

You see your life as not enough.

You see others as not enough.

Your first reaction
to everything is critical.

Your first reaction
is "This is not good enough."

"They're not good enough."

And you hold as two words,
power words: blame and deserve.

"I blame them."

"And I deserve this."

And you feel entitled.

Three words that are lethal:
entitled, blame, and deserve.

And if you could extricate
those three words from your head,

you have no idea
how much better you would feel.

If you never use those three words again,

I will tell you right now
your depressions would be much less,

because you're not entitled to anything.

Blaming others, blaming anything
will take you out of your present,

and it will absolutely
put such toxic perceptions in you.

And you realize all
you have to think about

is who's blaming you for something.

And just picture
how many people are blaming you,

and how would you like
to dwell in that thought.

Because if you're blaming others,
I assure you someone's blaming you.

Someone's in therapy
because they know you.

(Laughter)

So stop looking at the world
through your eyes.

Finally, make this choice.

Choose to get up every day
and bless your day.

Choose to get up every single day
and bless your day.

And say, I have no idea what's
going to be in my day but it is blessed.

Why? Because I am alive.

And don't base your gratitude
for your life on what you have,

or how you feel,

but just because you are.

Just because you are!

Just because you are.

And then hold in your heart this prayer:

This day of my life will never come again.

I will never see the people
I am looking at again.

I will never see this sunrise again,
and I will never see that sunset.

I will never see the person
having breakfast with me again

just this way.

No, nothing in my life like this
will ever come again.

That alone, that choice alone

should take out of your heart
every bitter taste there is.

That it should shape the life around you
with such grace and such beauty,

that it would make you
only want to see the present

with great gratitude and love.

Thank you everybody.

(Applause)