Louis CK "Chewed Up" - Part 6 of 6

Louis CK stand up comedian

We are jizz on demand, we just don't care.

Women have another skill that they can decide whether or not to have sex with their minds, which is amazing to me.

Women can decide not to fuck, in the middle of fucking. That is so weird to me, that they can just stop 'cause of some other shit that distracted them.

If I'm fucking you, you could show me a picture of you cutting my mom's head off.

And I'll be like, "Whoa, hmm. Soon as I cum, we're gonna have a talk about that picture."

'Cause I need to cum, I need to. Cumming is a need, I came the first time when I was 12 and I haven't skipped a day.

I cum everyday, and I've fucked maybe 20 times in my life so.. It's just been me doing most of the work.

I jerk off way too much and it upsets me, I don't know why. Maybe it's because it's so selfish. But I know it's bad, I know I'm hurting somebody somewhere.

I was thinking the other day that you can figure out how bad of a person you are by how soon after September 11th you masturbated, like how long you waited.

And for me, it was between the two buildings going down. So I had a feeling that..

I had to do it, I had to! Otherwise they win, that's the way I thought of it at the time. Strange thoughts for all of us.

I know you all waited a whole week 'cause you're awesome, but I just couldn't do it.

A boner is a boner, it's gotta go, something's gotta happen.

Boners just ruin everything and I really hate boners, I hate every one I've every had.

I remember the first one, I was 9. That's the worst thing about a little boy's life is that you start getting boners when you're 9 and you don't cum for 3 fucking years.

It's 3 years of just vicious little boners.

That don't go away, you just pass out moaning in a ditch somewhere and you wake up and you're still hard.

It's awful! If you ever see a 9 year old on the street just give him 20 bucks 'cause he's very unhappy.

Or suck his dick, however you feel like you can help him out.

I remember being 9 and being hard and not knowing why, or what to do. I just would rub my dick against stuff, that's all I did.

If I was standing infront of a car I'd just press it against the car like, "[moans] aww, it's warm from the sun, this is good"

I used to run home from school after school so I could fuck my house, I would just fuck the house.

I'd fuck the walls and the floor. If you have a 9 year old boy at home, he's fucking your house right now.

'Cause that what we do. I had a corderoy couch, that couch was my bitch I just fucked it all day, just humping with no results just frustrated.

I used to do weird things with my dick too, I'd just like close it in the refrigerator door, I don't know why I just liked the pressure.

I liked that one side was metal and the other side was that accordion-like rubber with the magnet in it, just [moans] the cold air on my balls.

"This is good, this is good, I don't know why but this is good."

I don't know how I ever got laid really, 'cause I was awful at it, I still am. I never really understood like..

There's guys that just have this confidence like when they go out with a girl they know when to lean in a kiss her and shit, I just couldn't I'd be like, "[stutters] Can I fuck you?" Just blert it out.

I remember one night, I was with a girl, I was like 20 years old I was already doing stand up and I did a show in Washington D.C and after the show one of the waitresses came back to the hotel she was really cute.

And we're making out in my hotel and she's into it, she's like humping me, so I start putting my hand up her shirt and she stops me. So I'm like, "hm, okay."

So then we're making out more so I start putting my hand on her ass and she stops me, so after a while she went home and nothing happened.

And then the next night I saw her in the club and she goes, "Hey what happened last night?"

I was like, "What?" and she's like, "How come we didn't have sex?" I was like, "'cause you didn't want to."

She's like, "Yes I did, I was really into it." I say, "Well why did you keep stopping me?" and she goes, "'cause I wanted you to just go for it."

I was like, "What does that mean?" She says, "I'm kinda weird, I get turned on when a guy just gets frustrated and just holds me down and fucks me, like that's a big turn on for me."

I was like, "Well you should have told me! I would have happily done that for you." and she goes, "No, it has to feel real and dangerous."

I'm like, "What are you out of your fucking mind? You think I'm just gonna rape you on the off chance that hopefully you're into that shit?"

"What kind of idiot... I'm getting kinda a rape-y vibe from this girl, I don't know, I suspect she might enjoy being raped, maybe that's her thing. I don't wanna ask first and ruin it so I'm just gonna take a shot and rape her, what the hell, what's the worst that could happen after all?"

Jesus. Anyway, that's all history. Sex for me is gone. It's just my wife and me.

And it's sad because my wife is beautiful, I love to look at her and feel for her. She's gorgeous she just turned 40 and she's awesome.

And it's not because she looks younger than 40, she looks like she's 40 on the nose. I just like that.

I never knew I would but I find it really sexy that I like "women women" she's got grey streaks in her hair and I find that sexy, I really do.

She's got strong arms from picking up the kids, she's strong and sexy on a whole other level.

She's changing, she smells different, she used to have blue eyes, they're black now! She's intense, kinda crazy looking.

All these lines in her face from all the shit I did to her. She's got character.

She looks like one of those pictures from the depression of the dustbowl farmers.

She's intense, I like it, it turns me on. That's what I like now, I like "women women."

Girls I'm done a long time ago. 22 year old girls, god bless you, go do a shot, whatever the fuck you do with your time.

"Wooooo" That's not me anymore. I like women, and I know that's offensive to 22 year old girls like, "I'm a woman too, I'm totally a woman."

Not to me, sorry. To me, you're not a woman until you have a couple of kids and your life is in the toilet, that's really when you become a women.

Is when people come out of your vagina and step on your dreams.

If you're still standing after that shit, you are a woman.

If you're still going to clubs and you have a pony tail and a little dress and you're standing outside of a club waiting to get in and it's 2 degrees, you're like "It's gonna be great in there!" You're a girl.

I wanna give you a sweater and a ride home, I don't wanna fuck you. I'll jerk off to you but I don't wanna fuck you and get involved.

I do wanna fuck you but you won't fuck me so fuck you anyway.

I would, oh I'd totally fuck you. But-

There's just a difference between girls and women and it's not just age, there's a reason why they call it "*Girl's Gone Wild*"

You notice there's not women gone wild, 'cause no one would fucking by the wild women dvd.

Because when girls go wild, they show their tits to people. When women go wild, the kill men and drown their kids in a tub, that's what wild women do.

They don't show their tits to no body, they fuck with their bras on, it's a whole other thing.

Try taking your 40 year old wife's picture when she comes outta the shower, "Fuck you, get the fuck outta here."

It's not funny, you thought it would be cute like "Don't" she's like "FUCK OFF"

"Sorry.." 'Cause she doesn't have tits anymore, she has breasts that need to be checked and maintained.

I get bills for my wife's breasts that's some grown up woman shit right there.

Girl's have the titties with the little perky nipples, and that's awesome. But you're not a woman until you get long chewed up nipples.

And you're not a man until you've sucked one of those fucking things either by the way.

Thank you very much folks, I hope you had a good time. Thank you, good night.

[crowd cheers]