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I'm sitting in a bar
with a couple of friends --
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literally, a couple, married couple.
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They're the parents of two young children,
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seven academic degrees between them,
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big nerds, really nice people
but very sleep-deprived.
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And they ask me the question
I get asked more than any other question.
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They go, "So, Emily,
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how do couples, you know,
sustain a strong sexual connection
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over multiple decades?"
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I'm a sex educator, which is why
my friends ask me questions like this,
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and I am also a big nerd like my friends.
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I love science, which is why
I can give them something like an answer.
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Research actually has
pretty solid evidence
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that couples who sustain
strong sexual connections
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over multiple decades
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have two things in common.
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Before I can tell my friends
what those two things are,
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I have to tell them a few things
that they are not.
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These are not couples
who have sex very often.
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Almost none of us have sex very often.
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We are busy.
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They are also not couples who necessarily
have wild, adventurous sex.
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One recent study actually found
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that the couples
who are most strongly predicted
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to have strong sexual
and relationship satisfaction,
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the best predictor of that
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is not what kind of sex they have
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or how often or where they have it
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but whether they cuddle after sex.
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And they are not necessarily couples
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who constantly can't wait
to keep their hands off each other.
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Some of them are.
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They experience what the researchers
call "spontaneous desire,"
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that just sort of seems
to appear out of the blue.
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Erika Moen, the cartoonist
who illustrated my book,
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draws spontaneous desire
as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
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kaboom! -- you just want it
out of the blue.
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That is absolutely one normal,
healthy way to experience sexual desire.
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But there's another healthy way
to experience sexual desire.
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It's called "responsive desire."
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Where spontaneous desire seems
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
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responsive desire emerges
in response to pleasure.
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There's a sex therapist in New Jersey
named Christine Hyde,
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who taught me this great metaphor
she uses with her clients.
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She says, imagine that your best friend
invites you to a party.
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You say yes because
it's your best friend and a party.
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But then, as the date approaches,
you start thinking,
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"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.
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We have to find child care.
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Am I really going to want
to put my party clothes on
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and get there at the end of the week?"
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But you put on your party clothes
and you show up to the party,
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and what happens?
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You have a good time at the party.
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If you are having fun at the party,
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you are doing it right.
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When it comes to a sexual connection,
it's the same thing.
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You put on your party clothes,
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you set up the child care,
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you put your body in the bed,
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you let your skin
touch your partner's skin
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and allow your body
to wake up and remember,
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"Oh, right! I like this.
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I like this person!"
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That's responsive desire,
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and it is key to understanding the couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection
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over the long term,
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because -- and this is the part
where I tell my friends
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the two characteristics of the couples who
do sustain a strong sexual connection --
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one, they have a strong friendship
at the foundation of their relationship.
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Specifically, they have strong trust.
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Relationship researcher and therapist,
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developer of emotionally focused therapy,
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Sue Johnson,
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boils trust down to this question:
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Are you there for me?
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Especially, are you emotionally
present and available for me?
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Friends are there for each other.
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One.
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The second characteristic
is that they prioritize sex.
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They decide that it matters
for their relationship.
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They choose to set aside all the other
things that they could be doing --
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the children they could be raising
and the jobs they could be going to,
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the other family members
to pay attention to,
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the other friends they might
want to hang out with.
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God forbid they just want
to watch some television or go to sleep.
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Stop doing all that stuff
and create a protected space
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where all you're going to do
is put your body in the bed
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and let your skin
touch your partner's skin.
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So that's it:
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best friends,
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prioritize sex.
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So I said this to my friends in the bar.
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I was like, best friends, prioritize sex,
I told them about the party,
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I said you put your skin
next to your partner's skin.
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And one of the partners
I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
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(Laughter)
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And I was like, "OK,
so, there's your problem."
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(Laughter)
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The difficulty was not that they did not
want to go to the party, necessarily.
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If the difficulty is just a lack
of spontaneous desire for party,
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you know what to do:
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you put on your party clothes
and show up for the party.
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If you're having fun at the party,
you're doing it right.
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Their difficulty was that this was a party
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where she didn't love
what there was available to eat,
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the music was not her favorite music,
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and she wasn't totally sure she felt great
about her relationships with people
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who were at the party.
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And this happens all the time:
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nice people who love each other
come to dread sex.
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These couples, if they seek sex therapy,
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the therapist might have them stand up
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and put as much distance
between their bodies as they need
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in order to feel comfortable,
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and the less interested partner
will make 20 feet of space.
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And the really difficult part
is that space is not empty.
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It is crowded with weeks or months or more
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of the, "You're not listening to me,"
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and "I don't know what's wrong with me
but your criticism isn't helping,"
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and, "If you loved me, you would,"
and, "You're not there for me."
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Years, maybe, of all
these difficult feelings.
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In the book, I use
this really silly metaphor
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of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs
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that you are fostering until
you can find a way to set them free
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by turning toward them
with kindness and compassion.
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And the couples who struggle
to maintain a strong sexual connection,
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the distance between them
is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
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And it happens in any relationship
that lasts long enough.
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You, too, are fostering
a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
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between you and your certain
special someone.
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The difference between couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection
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and the ones who don't
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is not that they don't experience
these difficult hurt feelings,
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it's that they turn towards
those difficult feelings
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with kindness and compassion
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so that they can set them free
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and find their way back to each other.
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So my friends in the bar are faced
with the question under the question,
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not, "How do we sustain
a strong connection?"
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but, "How do we find our way back to it?"
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And, yes, there is science
to answer this question,
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but in 25 years as a sex educator,
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one thing I have learned
is sometimes, Emily,
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less science,
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more hedgehogs.
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So I told them about me.
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I spent many months writing a book about
the science of women's sexual well-being.
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I was thinking about sex
all day, every day,
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and I was so stressed by the project
that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
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in actually having any sex.
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And then I spent months
traveling all over,
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talking with anyone who would listen
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about the science
of women's sexual well-being.
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And by the time I got home, you know,
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I'd show up for the party,
put my body in the bed,
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let my skin touch my partner's skin,
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and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed
I would just cry and fall asleep.
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And the months of isolation
fostered fear and loneliness
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and frustration.
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So many hedgehogs.
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My best friend, this person
I love and admire,
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felt a million miles away.
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But ...
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he was still there for me.
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No matter how many
difficult feelings there were,
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he turned toward them
with kindness and compassion.
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He never turned away.
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And what was the second characteristic
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of couples who sustain
a strong sexual connection?
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They prioritize sex.
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They decide that it matters
for their relationship,
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that they do what it takes
to find their way back to the connection.
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I told my friends what sex therapist
and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
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She asks: What kind of sex
is worth wanting?
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My partner and I looked
at the quality of our connection
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and what it brought to our lives,
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and we looked at the family
of sleepy hedgehogs
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I had introduced into our home.
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And we decided it was worth it.
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We decided -- we chose -- to do
what it took to find our way,
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turning towards each
of those sleepy hedgehogs,
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those difficult hurt feelings,
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with kindness and compassion
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and setting them free
so that we could find our way back
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to the connection that mattered
for our relationship.
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This is not the story we are usually told
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about how sexual desire works
in long-term relationships.
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But I can think of nothing more romantic,
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nothing sexier,
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than being chosen as a priority
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because that connection matters enough,
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even after I introduced all of these
difficult feelings into our relationship.
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How do you sustain a strong
sexual connection over the long term?
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You look into the eyes
of your best friend,
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and you keep choosing
to find your way back.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)