Dave Chappelle - How Old Is Fifteen Really?

All our stars. All our stars.

R. Kelly pissed on his victim.

(laughter)

I know it was rough.

But I mean, again, I can't even judge
R. Kelly.

First of all: we don't know if these
allegations are true or not.

And even if they are true, if you wanna
know how I feel about it honestly:

If a man can't pee on his fans,
I don't wanna be in show business anymore

because, well that's why I got in the game
baby, I got dreams, too!

(laughter)

You guys are confusing the issue.
While you guys are busy worrying about

if R. Kelly even peed on this girl or not,
you're not asking yourself the real

question, that America needs to decide
once and for all, and that question is:

"How old is fifteen, really?"

(laughter)

No, that's a good question. That's a good
question!

I'm not saying that a person is as smart
as they gonna be at fifteen,

that's not what I'm saying, man!
But I am saying:

fifteen, to me, is old enough to decide
whether or not she wanna be pissed on.

I mean that's me. If you can't make a
decision like that by the time you're

fifteen, than just give up, motherfucker,
because, life is way harder than that.

I make tougher decisions all the time. If
you don't wanna get pissed on

just get the fuck outta the way,
it's not even a decision.

If I start peeing on the front row,
they're not gonna have to calculate

and think, "Well how do I feel about this?
Am I okay with it?" They just move!

(laughter)

You can do that at fifteen. I could've.
I've been fifteen!

When I was fifteen, I was doing standup at
nightclubs, I smoked reef from time to time,

friends were selling crack, was trying
to finger-fuck people.

I knew what was happening around me to
some degree.

Getting pissed on was the least of my
worries at fifteen. Trust me.

(laughter)

But it keeps comin' up. There's a lot of
confusion around that age. Any time

fifteen comes up, people freak out. Like
when that girl,

Elizabeth Smart got kidnapped, right?
Remember in Utah last year?

A fifteen year old girl, Elizabeth Smart,
was kidnapped, and then they finally

found her and the whole country was
relieved.

And I was the only one saying, "Damn, she
wasn't that smart after all!"

Not 'cause she got kidnapped, that could
happen to anybody,

I'm not knocking her for that.

I'm just saying, if you kidnapped me when
I was fifteen, you gotta take me further

than eight miles away from my house, man,
goddamn!

You can't hold me prisoner 'round shit I
recognize, I'll break away!

I'll break away! Fuck off me, nigga,
that's my bus stop! I know where I'm at!

I'm going home!

(clapping)
(laughter)

She was missing for six months, eight miles
away from her house!

That's too exits, man, that's nothing!

And while she was missing, during this
happy year that this girl was missin'

There's a seven-year old black girl, gets
kidnapped in Philadelphia.

Nobody knows her name. They might have
told about it two or three times

on the news, but she should've been the
top story. Because she chewed through

the ropes and had both of these motherfuckers
in jail in forty-five minutes flat!

Seven years old!

(clapping)

I'm not makin' this up.

These two crackheads kidnapped her and took
her back to the crackhouse and tied her up.

And then they left her. 'Cause they're
crackheads, they gotta makes moves,

cracks to smoke, chocolate to eat. These
motherfuckers made moves, they was out.

Soon as they left, this little girl got
to nibblin'.

(smacking lips)

Kidnapped at four o' clock, and at home
watching herself on news at five-thirty.

That shit is crazy! That's a news story!
That is a new story, man!

Meanwhile, in Utah: fifteen year old
Elizabeth Smart's captors

left her alone, too, and they didn't even
tie her up, 'cause they're hillbillies.

They just bounced.

"Don't try to escape, bitch, or we'll kill
you! Be right back."

They leave. She's fifteen sitting in the
house by herself.

"How am I gonna get out of this?"

(laughter)

"Come on Elizabeth, think! Think, Elizabeth
how am I gonna get out of here?"

Why don't you just open the fuckin' door
and go outside.

Have you thought about that? Do you have
a quarter? Do you know your phone number?

You're fifteen, bitch, run! Stop thinking
and start making moves!

I know I sound mean, and I know what the
people are thinking when I'm saying this:

"Dave, she's only fifteen."

Alright, but that's the discrepancy. Because
when you talk about a little girl like

Elizabeth Smart, then the country feels
that fifteen is so young and so innocent.

On the flip side, here comes fifteen again.

Then we're talkin' about a
fifteen-year-old black kid in Florida.

This black kid accidentally killed
his neighbor, when he's practicing

wrestling moves that he saw on TV.

Now, was he a kid? No.
They gave him life.

They always try our fifteen-year-olds as
adults.

"Nigger, knew what he was doing. A goddamn
piledriver."

"This kid gets on the ropes, there's no
stopping him."

"You'd have to send the rock to arrest him."

And they gave a fifteen-year-old boy life
in jail.

If you think that's it okay to give him
life in jail, it should be

legal to pee on him, that's all I'm
saying!

You gotta make up your mind across
the board, how old fifteen actually is.

That's all I'm saying. 'Cause I'm gonna
tell you right now, if somebody comes in

here and puts a gun to my head, and says
"Chappelle you've got a choice to make!

"You're either going to jail for a month,
or we'll let you go, but you gotta let

R. Kelly pee on you."

I'm not hesitating. "Bring in R. Kelly,
and tell him to stay away from my ass."

(laughter)