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There are billions of galaxies in the observable universe
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And each of them contains hundreds of billions of stars
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In one of these galaxies
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Orbiting one of these stars
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Lies a little blue planet
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And this planet is run by a bunch of monkeys
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Now these monkeys don't think of themselves as monkeys
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They don't even think of themselves as animals
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In fact, they love to list all the things that they think
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separate them from the animals:
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Opposable thumbs
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Self-awareness
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They use words like Homo Erectus and Australopithecus
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You say Toe-mate-o, I say Toe-motto
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They're animals all right
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They're monkeys
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Monkeys with high-speed digital fiber-optic technology
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But monkeys nevertheless
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I mean, they're clever
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You've got to give them that
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The Pyramids, skyscrapers, phantom jets,
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the Great Wall of China
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That's all pretty impressive
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For a bunch of monkeys
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Monkeys whose brains have evolved
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to such an unmanageable size
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that it's now pretty much impossible
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for them stay happy for any length of time
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In fact, they're the only animals that think
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they're supposed to be happy
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All of the other animals can just be
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But it's not that simple for the monkeys
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You see, the monkeys are cursed with consciousness
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And so the monkeys are afraid
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So the monkeys worry
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The monkeys worry about everything
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but mostly about what all the other monkeys think
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Because the monkeys desperately want to fit in
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with the other monkeys
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Which is pretty hard to do
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because a lot of the monkeys hate each other
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This is really what separates them from the other animals
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These monkeys hate
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They hate monkeys that are different
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Monkeys from different places
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Monkeys who are a different color
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You see, the monkeys feel alone
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All six billion of them
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Some of the monkeys pay another monkey
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to listen to their problems
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The monkeys want answers
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and the monkeys know they're going to die
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So the monkeys make up gods and then they worship them
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Then the monkeys start to argue
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over whose made-up god is better
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Then the monkeys get really pissed off
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and this is usually when the monkeys decide
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that it's a good time to start killing each other
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So the monkeys wage war
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The monkeys make hydrogen bombs
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The monkeys have got their entire planet
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wired up to explode
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The monkeys just can't help it
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Some of the monkeys play to a sold out crowd of other monkeys
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The monkeys make trophies
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and then they give them to each other
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Like it means something
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Some of the monkeys think they've got it all figured out
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Some of the monkeys read Nietzsche
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The monkeys argue about Nietzsche
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without ever giving any consideration to the fact that Nietzsche
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was just another monkey
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The monkeys make plans
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The monkeys fall in love
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The monkeys have sex
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and then they make more monkeys
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The monkeys make music
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and then the monkeys dance
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Dance, monkeys, dance
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The monkeys make a hell of a lot of noise
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The monkeys have so much potential
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if they would only apply themselves
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The monkeys shave the hair off of their bodies
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in blatant denial of their true monkey nature
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The monkeys build giant monkey hives that they call "cities"
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The monkeys draw a lot of imaginary lines in the dirt
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The monkeys are running out of the oil
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which is what fuels their precarious civilization
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The monkeys are polluting and raping their planet
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like there's no tomorrow
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The monkeys like to pretend that everything is just fine
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Some of the monkeys actually believe that the entire universe
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was created for their benefit
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As you can see . . . these are some messed up monkeys
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These monkeys are at once the ugliest
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and the most beautiful creatures on the planet
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And the monkeys don't want to be monkeys
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They want to be something else
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But they're not.
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Captions by Harkle.com