What Dan and Phil Text Each Other 2023

Phil: We text each other a lot.

Dan: [laughs]

P: And we've now made a tradition.
D: Wait, which one is this?

P: This is...
D: The fourquel? The threequel?

- The foursome?
P: The foursome.

D: This is a goddamn franchise

- Welcome back to the Dan and Phil
texts cinematic universe

- In case you're new to this

- The idea is we're gonna
read our iMessage conversations

D: Do you wanna know the real Dan and Phil?
P: [dramatic ooh]

D: Not those stories,
not what everyone thinks P: No

D: Who are actually are they?
What is going on in these minds?

P: What is here? What is here?
D: The most vulnerable-

D: Nothing
P: Nothing

D: The end

P: Little bird noises
D: Short video

P: I sound a bit like a horse because I
had laryngitis

D: Phil made out with a horse
P: Yes

D: He's got horsevid
P: Hm

P: It was the horse prince

P: [deep voice] Welcome to Dan and Phil
text each other, with Phil's brand new voice.

D: Now it just sounds like some Patreon
ASMR porn thing

P: It does. I should do one of those.
D: Okay. Where the f[squeak]k are we sat?

- Continuing the kitchen reveal, past what
you saw in the baking video, welcome to

- a bit of feature wall
P: Look at this. And then that's the fish

- tank that has not been finished yet
D: That is my abandoned fish tank.

P: We're both wearing what I think were
the aesthetics of the year from us

P: I'm doing my new bomber jacket era.
D: From the Japan trip.

D: And I've got the single best merch
garment of all time. The 'Doomed' hoodie

P: Yeah
D: This [dog bark] snug as a bug in a rug

P: For context, I'm the blue bubbles and
Dan is the black bubbles

D: Obviously
P: Yeah

P: January 1st, proving that I'm the
better friend, I was the first person to

- text you, saying...
D: We were in the same location!

P: 'Rat' at 2:28am
D: Why would you text me at 2:30 on-

P: I don't know.
D: New Year's Eve just saying 'rat'

D: Start as you meant to go on,
what the hell is wrong with you?

P: Maybe I'd seen a rat.
D: And then the next day showing that

- we're real party people with New Year's plans-
'Can I have my Switch controllers, only if

- it's not the worst hassle'. 90% of our
text conversations are when we're 3 metres

D: away from each other-
P: Yes D: and we want someone to pass something,

D: and we want someone to pass
something, or do something.

P: For example, Dan asking for his Switch
controllers.. probably on the toilet.

P: Just slide it through the crack..

D: Just me doing a thing, Phil-
P: ..of the door.

D: Oh.. oh god.
P: Of the door. Of the door!

D: Not gonna be violet for long.
P: Eugh.

D: 'Can you say dick on TikTok?'
P: I like that you think I'm the authority

- on this. 'I dot think so. You can't
say sex on TikTok.' D: Nice

P: You know how people say sex?

D: Uh 5 E 3
P: Seggs

P: 'This person is on OnlyFans' I'm not
saying who

D: 'Lowkey'
P: 'Are you going to look lol'

D: 'Can't be arsed. We should get a discount'

P: I don't follow anyone on OnlyFans,
but I was interested

D: I mean whatever it was, ultimately-

P: Not high-key enough to give them 4 pounds.
D: I ain't paying for that.

D: We're jumping straight in with Dan and
Phil with their own alien language,

D: what the hell are they on?
P: It's too much effort to say real words

P: 'mote'
D: Now this looks like 'to e' but I think

- it's toe
P: Toe

P: 'Please can you make'
D: Now that was DanAndPhil-ese for

- it's time to make a coffee.
Welcome to Pluto.

P: There we go

D: 'Do you know where my black shirt is?'
P: 'Wow that narrows it down'

D: Yeah, walked into that one.

P: 'How do batteries work?' wha- wha-
sometimes-

D: Why are you texting me that?
P: I don't know.

D: Oh, for God's sake.
P: Here I go.

- 'White & gold or blue & black?'
That is 100% white and gold!

D: 'Blue & black' clearly
P: The weird thing is with the dress

- we had the same. Why are our brains
not connected on this one?

- What's happened? We've diverged.
'It is very gold'

D: 'It's a shame your cones don't work'
P: Leave my cones alone man

- Alien text two. 'Good morn'

D: 'Slorn'
P: 'Do you wanna FaceTime or are you oot?'

P: I was Scottish for a second there
D: 'I can'. Are ya-oot?

- Next day. 'Gronas'
P: 'Nick gronas'

D: 'Do you have visitors?'
P: 'Neon. Nien.'

D: Okay
P: What, I- I don't even.. what..

- What are we talking about
D: What's happening is we're playing

- a game with each other. P: Yeah
D: Which is who can make up a pretend

- word that has a rare energy
P: Yeah. It's gotta seem rare

D: And silently we go 'mmm'
P: The zodiac killer has nothing on

- Dan and Phil trying to
communicate in the same house

D: Hey, how's Phil doing while
I'm busy on tour?

P: Here's a hedgehog rock
D: 'Deliveroo is calling you'

D: Phil had my phone number on his
Deliveroo account and then-

D: I was in Australia
P: And they were calling Australia

D: I was asleep at 4am and someone was
like 'y'alright mate got your salad'.

- Phil sent me a lot of memes.

- Now, our job is to judge
the quality of the

- out of context meme pics
that Phil sends me

P: I think my meme quality is quite high.

- My favourite tweet.
[reads tweet on screen]

- Just has such good energy!

P: 'Your receipt's in the bag.'
D: 'You too.'

P: [laughs] You're in the bag!

- That's just my humour.

D: Got 'em.

P: What is- AHH!
[dropped phone]

D: [laughs]

P: Oh, caught it between my legs!
Right in the slit.

D: The power of Phil's thighs.

D: Hey Phil,
P: What?

D: you smell nice today!
P: Oh, do I?

D: 'Cause you usually smell like [dog bark].

P: Thank God, because
today's sponsor is Scentbird!

- Scentbird, which is available in the USA
and Canada is the perfect way to try a new

- fragrance without buying a massive bottle
that's just going to sit on your shelf.

- And there's a handy quiz you can take
on the website that can tell you what

- kind of smell you should be going for.
And then you can choose your own scents,

- which are sent out, they're scent out, in
these sexy bottles.

D: Sleek bottles.

P: Got a black one for Dan,
got a green one for me.

D: I went for an Issey Miyake scent,
'cause I'm a big fan.

P: Yeah?

D: And this is one called 'Nuit D'Issey',
which is their regular one but black.

- Spritz!
P: Ooh, here we go!

[sniff]

P: Oh that is very Dan!

- It's clean, and it's like "Hey,
who is this person in the restaurant?"

I went for something that I got on my quiz,
D: Yeah?

P: Which was 'Handsome Devil'.
D: Oh, for God's- really, Phil?

P: 'Cause I am a handsome devil!

D: "Finely curated for the handsome charmer,

the top tier bloke with good looks
and a [unintelligible] for danger.

P: I think this is one that I'd use if I

- was going to like a fancy night out
or something.

D: Smells! They can make you be the person
you wish you are and absolutely aren't!

P: Yes.
D: But you still get a girthy amount.

- Oh my god.
P: It's generous.

D: And this smells exactly like what
I think being in 'Call Me By Your Name' would be.

P: What, like a peach?
D: Sniff it. No, like a.. like a villa

- in South Europe. Not the peach.
P: Oh, yeah. Okay.

- If you wanna get some new smells in
your life, good smells, you can click the

- link below! Use code 'AMAZINGPHIL55'
for 55% off which is a little over $7 for

- your first month. Which is like you
might as well do it.

D: Not bad. And then we'll fix you up,
you stinky bitch!

P: I'm a handsome devil!
Thanks, Scentbird!

D: Context.
P: What is this?!

D: 'Yes'
- 'daddies is it'

P: side eye
- 'what are you eating'

D: 'italiano'
- 'cheese time'

P: 'get a 9 cheese'

D: Okay, food!
P: You gotta get

D: There's a restaurant in London called
Bone Daddies, okay?

P: I was there! I went to Bone Daddies.
D: He's eating a daddy. I'm on that italiano.

P: [laughs]
D: This is a beautiful moment right here.

- 'Hog (sent with Slam Effect)'
P: 'Hog (sent with Gentle Effect)'

D: nougat
P: Grobe

D: Oh [dog bark], we've got our first Reddit clip
P: Okay.

D: Dan,
P: What's it gonna be?

D: Sending a perfectly cut scream,
here we go. Oh. Oh, he horny.

P: He's chasing her. Has
she got the cookie?

[moose scream]

D&P: [laughs]

D: Firstly! You completely ruined that!
P: Sorry!

D: "Has she got the cookie?"
P: Like the ones in Japan!

- That's why they chase you.

D: Ohh,
P: That's what I'm talking about.

- And then they bow.

D: Dude, if I say "he horny" and then you
say "he's thinking has she got the cookie?"

P: You know what I mean! [laughs]

D: Let's just appreciate the scream again.

[moose scream]

P: 'R'
D: 'tit'

D&P: [laughing]

P: What's wrong with us?
D: That is a good-

P: Take our fingers away!
D: Just caps 'R'. 'can you call'

P: One-hundred percent Dan's in a taxi,
and wants me to talk to him. Every time!

- The only time I speak to Dan
on the phone (D&P: is when-)

D: I need you to pretend to have a phone
call with me to get out of a situation

P: Yeah.

D: What Phil does is he starts having a
pretend conversation,

P: [laughs] 'cause I can't do fake conversations!
D: I'm not on speaker! Phil will be like,

- "yeah, I'm tending to the hogs and the
y'know it's really, it's really purple today"

D: Phil, you don't need to have a fake
conversation with me! P: I do!

D: There are things to talk about!

P: If you want a fake phone call, I'm
gonna be like "Did Jane find the key?"

D: [laughs]

P: We found the Google emoji
combination app.

D: That was a good day.

P: Cowboy moon is the most cursed thing.
D: That is fucked up. Alien unicorn, that's weird.

- Mind blown hotdog, balloon fish.
P: These are very Dan and Phil.

D: Aww.
P: That's us!

- That is us, in the hole.
D: Oh my god, that is so us. P: I know!

- 'koala?'
D: 'yes' P: 'show me that koalussy'

P: There it is.
D: What a great photo!

P: That is amazing!

D: I was slaying with the tour aesthetic.

D: Look at me go there!

P: That koala is really gripping

P: onto your nip
D: Copping that- look at that fucking

D: thick furry butt. I was holding that

D: thing and I was just like mhm
P: I just want to eat it D: God...

P: 'Tool'
D: 'teeth'

D: 'idk about this meeting today'

D: 'i just feel like a slim'
P: A slim?

D: ' i cancelled'

P: A slime
D: A slime-Yeeeees

P: There was a slime. See! [snaps fingers]
D: I feel- ughhh

D: Oh my god, what?

P: 'ok! watching Borderland now there is a
D: [laughing]

P: new character who is very distracting'

P: This-
D: What is that hunky man ass?

P: This man is naked for

- two whole episodes
D: Maybe I should watch it.

P: 'Borg'
D: 'beB'

P: This is the most unhinged we've been so
D: [laughing]

P: far. We need to speed some time apart

D: The capital B at the end of 'beB'...
P: [laughing]

D: That was a good one!

D: 'bro i am so tired'
P: 'brozone layer' [laughs]

D: 'dehydrussy'

P: I'm wasted on you with these texts

P: Brozone layer?
D: You need to be funnier like this

D: on twitter. Come on.
P: Come on!

P: It's Danny with a spicy cock!
D: Just me. Just enjoying myself.

P: That's "Dan doesn't want to be on

P: social media, but he is in the moment"
D: Yeah, I don't want to be perceived.

D: Let me live.

P: 'Hog'
D: Yeah

P: 'B'
D: Mhm

P: 'LOEWE x Howl's Moving Castle
D: [laughing]

P: Why are you ignoring me? That's 3 days
without a text.

D: What is that?!
P: Oof

D: Oh shit- okay, 'The Apprentice' guy

D: [laughs]
P: That is- we use him as a reaction

P: so much.
D: That was actually mid.

P: It looks like mashed potato with some

P: kind of cream on top.
D: Oh god. 'gonna get my nails done in helsinki'

- 'what should i do'
P: 'nailsinki'

- 'Maybe gradients and then a flame on
your middle finger'

- I should be a "nail salonist."

D: 'funny middle finger idea'
P: "Nailist?" "A Nailer?"

P: What are they called?
D: Phil is gonna nail you.

P: "Nailtician"
D: #NailedByPhil

D: I went for marble. The tour colours.
P: I liked it.

P: They looked a little bit mouldy though.
Just being honest.

D: Oh, now it comes out.
P: It was the colour! It was the colour mix!

D: That was on me for months!

P: I know, I didn't want to say.
It was too late.

- 'texting to remove the butt from the
top of the window' D: Oh, [laughs]

P: '3, 2, 1'
D: Why did you text me an ass-

P: I don't-

D: You seem to have deleted the
ass from the chat, Phil.

D: Whose tracks are you trying to cover?
P: There must have been a specific ass.

P: I don't know whose ass, but I wanted
to show you [laughs]

D: Sus.
P: Anyway, it was not mine.

D: 'turkish cardamom coffee'
'tastes a bit like soil but nice'

P: 'I'm soiled' I didn't get- I didn't
care about that coffee.

D: 'on plane to finland'
P: 'winland'

D: 'morgen'
'it sno'

P: Snow

D: It was cold as [dog bark].

P: Look at that! You could've built a
snow-dan

D: 'Turns out that my pastry
had pepper on it.'

P: D'you know-
D: Sweden... not even once

P: This was such a weird coincidence,
'cause I went to Sweden on my own,

- and I went to the same café Dan went to,
ten years later and got the same pepper pastry.

P: I ordered a cinnamon pastry thinking
it was gonna be sweet and delicious

- but it turns out, it's pepper! [laughs]

- It tastes like someone's
played a prank on us.

P: They are not chocolate chips!
D: I'm a bit of a gravely, bitter guy-

P: You are.
D: I got into it.

P: Okay-
D: You did not get into it.

P: I didn't.

[dramatic sound]

D: Oh look, it's my mould nail.
P: I feel bad for whoever did it,

it was- it was an attempt
D: Oh. Oh, [dog bark] yeah.

P: Ohh-
D: That's what we're talking about

P: That is a long nose.
D: 'snôtë'

D: Stag.
P: Hippo.

D: 'how are builders'

P: 'there are 3 and are silently working
upstairs but im too scared to go up so im

- looking at things i can eat without a fork'

D: [unintelligible] Phil's kitchen
is being held hostage.

P: It was.
D: Oh, god. P: Oh.

D: [laughs]
P: That was Dan FaceTiming me and doing

- an hour long presentation about all the
stuff we had to do in Elden Ring. Can I-

D: [sings] Get a lifeeee
[normal voice] What?

P: Beat Malenia first time.
D: She took eleven moons to the face,

- she didn't know what was coming.

P: Why did I send this
picture of you, to you?

D: 'I literally thought that was
a picture of Wilbur Soot' 'okay'

P: It does look like him!
That's Dan in my glasses.

D: That is disturbing.
P: 'lmao hes just sat with me'

D: I have a completely
different energy with glasses.

P: Yeah.
D: Kinda like a- an air of intellectualism

- that I don't have.
P: You- you cannot pull it off.

P: Oh my god.
D: Oh [dog bark] hell.

P: He's got the nips out.
D: Okay firstly, I'm clearly showing side ass

there, that's quite [unintelligible]
P: [laughs]

D: 'think the shower was a little too hot
have i actually burned myself and need

hospital or will i be fine'
P: 'Wtf'

D: 'yes sudden lava'
P: 'how does it feel now'

D: 'ouchy' 'tingly'

D: I was in some hotel in Frankfurt, I turned
on the shower, and it literally came on

boiling as I was under the shower.
P: That's insane- that's like, burns.

D: And you phoned your mum,
P: Yes.

D: Who was a nurse.
P: She was.

D: And was like, "Dan is in Germany and he's
burnt himself in the shower."

D: Making me sound like the most pathetic
child, like "Phil's mummy what do I do?"

D: "Ouchy tingly."
P: To be fair, it's so red and you're like,

P: "I can't feel the skin."

D: Phil's mum advice was "You need to turn
the water as cold as possible,

and stand in it for as long as possible,
because that's what you can do."

D: So, I stood butt ass naked in a freezing
shower for about 37 minutes.

P: My mum was just pranking you, that's
not even what you're meant to do.

D: And I know some people are like, "Oh
I wake up everyday with a cold shower."

P: [laughs]

D: [dog bark] off! But hey, my skin didn't
um, balloon and explode so thanks.

P: You've only got one nipple now but it
works for you

P: "I'm programmed to wake up at 8:47 now
in case a builder arrives"

D: That's fu- 'horrifying'
'that decorator looked like a popstar'

P: Dan saw him on the Ring doorbell,
"Who the hell is coming to the house?"

D: "Who's this twink, Phil??"

P: [laughs]
'he could wake me up at 8:47 anytime'

P: 'it was actually horrible, he was so
smiley and called me phil all the time'

D: Oh!

P: Oh, don't say my name! I'm not
worthy of that out of your mouth!

D: [imitating the builder]
"Ya alright there, Phil?" P: Ugh.

D: "Hey, Phil. Ya got any pipes I
need to see dude?" [snorts] P: Ughh

D: 'hoge'
P: 'how was the show'

D: 'absolutely unhinged'

D: 'people were screaming [quack] at me.'
'they instantly boo'd the queen when she

- she appeared' 'someone threw a
drink and a bouquet of flowers'

P: 'omg' D: 'It was amazing'
P: 'well done Ireland'

D: That was in Dublin, which after doing
70 shows, I think it was probably the best

D: show that I did in the whole tour.
P: Was it? I mean, you love them all.

D: Oh, I love everybody but Irish people
are [dog bark] unhinged in the best way possible.

- And I will never forget that.

D: 'he dropped it'
P: No'

D: 'yes'
P: 'what happens now'

D: 'open the door'
P: Oh my god, right okay this is extra.

P: We Deliveroo'd an entire roast dinner,
because the one at the pub near by is not that good.

D: No.
P: And we were like, we just want a good roast dinner.

D: I craved it!
P: So, we found one on Deliveroo,

- And the delivery driver dropped the
entire thing on the drive.

D: And guys, if it was just the tatties, it'd
be fine. But the gravy. The gravy explosion.

- The ground is still brown from where parts of
this deep red wine jus had soaked into the Earth.

D: And I was like, "My dreams are shattered."
P: I looked out the window, and there was just

P: Some Yorkshire Pudding
rolling down the road. D: [laughs]

P: 'we can't post that there's too much crack'
D: [laughs] 'can you photoshop it'

P: 'i'll move the flame' I mean, if you
don't know what this is referencing to-

D: Keep your mind pure. P: Just relax.
D: JUMPSCARE! Yep, we posted that.

P: It, it's, it didn't.
D: There was just way too much crack,

D: It was like direct, violent crack.
P: It was too much crack.

- I had to photoshop that crack. D: So, Phil
increased the size of the flame- P: Yes-

D: To hide the crack. P: I did. 'is a
'linkup' like always sex or can it just

- be meeting up as a friend'
D: 'think u should just avoid generally'

P: That was when I posted this tweet
about Ariana Grande.

D: Yeah, you don't wanna be like "I [dog
bark] Ariana Grande."

P: No, I didn't, I just wanted to make sure.
D: Yeah you wrapped her up like a Christmas Tree.

P: I did. Lotus Biscoff cookie. 'hanging out with rob tomorrow'
D: 'what the [dog bark] is that'

P: It's delicious.
D: Was it as good as it looked?

P: No, these things they always look better than they are.
D: You just fully spat on my face..

P: Did I? I'm sorry. SeaWorld.
D: It went in my eye.

P: Oh no, you're going to get eye-yngitis.

P: 'let me know if you're harrowed
and less hyped for fries by the way'

D: 'i am not harrowed, i've just had a waffle
10 am and some hummus at 5'

D: 'is it too late for you or are you hyped'
P: "I'm hyped m8"

D: Saturday fries, it's a sacred event.
P: It's very important.

D: 'begin toast'
P: WAT

D: 'let me know when you're returning'
P: 'Slow. Waiting for hygren'

D: 'you did dent first'
P: 'Ya'

D: 'how queer'
P: 'She was [dog bark]'

D: [laughing] Don't let your hygienist
watch this YouTube video!

P: Why was I saying that?
D: Phil, why was your hygienist [dog bark]?

P: Because my mouth was bleeding so much,
I've never been in so much pain. I was the one

- that was [dog bark],
'cause I've not flossed.

D: And she's like, "I'll floss for you." [violin screech]

P: Yeah I was like, "Which teeth should
I be flossing?" And she said, "The ones

- that you don't want to fall out."
I was like, "oh.. oh great."

P: Death Note: The Musical?
D: 'the musical' i'm good'

P: I regret- I regret not going to that!
D: I was being a hater. I judged that on paper,

D: And people said it was
actually amazing. P: Yeah.

D: Should've done it.

P: Salty popcorn 10 litre bucket??
D: That's just sowing the seed.

P: Yeah.
D: Ok. I like where that's going.

P: 'hog'
D: 'hogan'

D: 'i am considering using
a trouser press' 'how are you'

P: 'gl'

P: A trouser press?
D: Ooh.

P: 'how is the fest'
D: 'fancy'

P: 'swag' D: I went to see an opera.
Didn't understand it.

P: What is that?
D: That's an angel, what'd you think it is?

P: I thought it was like the
backside of a moose. [laughs]

D: Oh my god! There it is!
P: It came, it came!

D: '[dog bark]'
P: 'something to live for'

D: It tasted good, we [unintelligible]
smashed that [dog bark]

P: There's another brand that just puts
hot guys on the side of the popcorn as well.

D: For some reason, they're tryin' to-
P: What's happening?

D: Advertise it like it's a healthy snack
for gym bros. They keep putting massive

D: Muscle guys on the bucket.
Like "muscle-corn"

P: Who, what is this-
D: It's a kink thing.

P: What is this niche?
D: I want his protein,

P: Stop.
D: All over my kernels.

P: Stop it. 'snail is on a mission'
D: 'gosh places to be' P: 'pēt' [laughs]

D: What the [dog bark]? P: That was
me papping you at Universal [laughs]

D: With my little, uh, Parisian twink t-shirt
and the Snoopy ears. That's a look. P: Yes.

D: Imagine me trotting
around a theme park, 6 foot 3-

P: Theme pak?
D: PAK.

P: Theme PAK.
D: [babbles unintelligibly]

P: 'happy birthday Dan, #furryartwork' [laughs]
D: '#HappyBirthdayDan, #furryartwork'

P: The combination of the two. Oh my god,
this is the most "Dan and Phil"

- 'Love Game Lady Gaga voice'
'let's have some fun, i've got no coat'

D: 'I want to take a ride on the
Lapras boat' [laughs]

P: It's perfect! D: You need to
understand! Me and Phil used to play a

- karaoke game called 'Lips'. P: Yes.
D: And 'Love Game - Lady Gaga' was the

most played song we did. So that song is
one of our most played songs of all time

D: for some [dog bark] reason.
P: It is! You know, I think I'm in the top

- 20 people that have ever sang the song
of that game.

D: And this tweet comes out of the ether-
Do you ever feel like something is so niche

and it was made just for you? P: It was
made for us. D: That was for us.

- Do you want to know who
Dan and Phil are? That tweet.

D: 'where was my birthday omatone'

P: Dan asked for one thing for his

- birthday, I forgot to get it for him.
'Um... Christmas omatone????'

D: 'i want it now im getting one'
P: 'Ok'

D: I said I want one thing from you for my

- birthday. I want an omatone and you
didn't get it for me. P: I forgot! I forgot!

D: so I got it for myself.
Give me a song.

P: Um.
D: Any song in the world.

P: 'Bring Me To Life'

P: Wake me up [in a deep voice]
D: [plays otamatone in beat of song]

P: I can't wake up [in a deep voice]
D: [plays otamatone in beat of song]

P: Save meee
D: [plays otamatone]

P: Wake me-
D&P: [laugh]

P: [claps]

P: [attempts to play the otamatone]
D: Is that 'The Simpsons' theme tune?

P: Yes!
D: That was the worst [dog bark] I've ever

- heard in my li-
P: I'm a famous musician!

D: [plays Wah Wah Wah on otamatone]

- Oooo
P: What were we doing?

D: I think we discovered that on iMessage

D: you can access this world of stickers
P: Yeah.

D: of [dog bark] up chaotic crap.
P: Who's ever going to text their friend

P: saying "It's all happening on eBay"?

D: Oh my god, why does eBay have a sticker
(P: Why?) pack?! [screaming]

P: You don't need one!

D: Brand, you don't need a freaking

- sticker.

P: 'Boff'
D: 'boat'

P: Mhm.

- 'remember how they changed Peter's face
in the Spider-Man game?'

D: This actually annoyed me because I got
very emotionally attached, parasocially

- to the face of Spider-Man in that first-
P: Dan. Dan!

D: game and then they made him more-
P: Dan! But look...look!

D: Tom Holland-y

P: Look! Look! Look!
D: Oh my god, it's the 'Good Doctor'

D&P: [laugh]
P: "I'm a surgeon!"

- Sorry...
D: Oh, for fuck sake, I don't-

- Oh my god...
P: I mean... at a glance...

D: That guy was amazing in 'Bates Motel'
P: Yes!

D: 'What happened to him?'
P: 'I don't know'

D&P: [laugh]
P: It's not even funny.

D: 'lo it victim oh xynxco i [gibberish]'

P: What is happening?

D: 'down your [dog bark] beer'
P: [laughs]

P: What?! What does that mean?
D: What was that?

P: I didn't even reply.
D: Do you remember?

P: No, it was 5 o'clock.

D: 'i am done'

D: 'if you want to consider

D: (other) options'

P: 'How are you already done'
D: 'slovenian guy had to move his car'

D: So, that looks like I'm burying a body.
P: Yeah. Wha-

D: That sounds like a crime.
P: What is going on?

D: Why are we being so aloof?

P: 'you are not ready for my STORY'
[shock effect]

P: 'i am being tested by god'
D: [laughs]

P: It was the mouse!
D: It was the mouse incident!

P: He lives in the barbecue now.

P: 'Morp' [laughs] He's a sad octopus!
D: We're gonna get locked up for this.

P: 'Bidoof'
D: 'tit'

D: 'what genré' 'do you
know what GENRÉ is'

P: That means, "What are we
having for dinner?" D: Yeah.

D&P: What genré.. D: of food
(P: JON) are we gonna have this evening

P: Of dinner.
D: Through the triggering memory of Phil

- being roasted by, I was about to
say Anne Frank- what's she called?

P: Anne Robinson.
D&P: [laughing]

P: Not Anne Frank.

(Anne Robinson: What's the main genré?)
(Phil: Uh..)

(Anne Robinson: Do you know what genré is?)
(Phil: Yeah.)

D&P: Ooh!
D: Here we go!

P: Scripts!
D: What version should we do?

- 'DanAndPhilGAMES is BACK FROM THE DEAD (short)'
'DanAndPhilGAMES is BACK FROM THE DEAD'

D: or 'DanAndPhilGAMES is BACK
FROM THE DEAD, in brackets (less mean)'

P: We definitely went for the short one.
D: There were multiple versions.

P: Dan wrote one that was like 8 minutes long.
D: I wrote [laughs] one that was

- like a long interpretive dance piece
P: This was a whole movie.

D: Like, twelve extras dressed as video game characters

P: Dan was like, "Phil pulls up in a limousine,"
I was like, "Dan ,we can't rent a limousine."

D: I was like, "Dan looking like Emma Roberts
comes out of a thing, there's a concierge-

D: With an umbrella-"
P: Yeah.

D: "You see the high heel hit a puddle."
And Phil was like, "No."

D: Oh god. [laughs]
P: Oh no.

P: This was actually the list!
D: Okay, the day that the gaming channel

D: comeback video went live, I just checked
the trending topics, and this was social

D: media in a nutshell. Uh, dogs out.
P: Uh what is this?

D: This was me trying what is my outfit
for the Channel 4 documentary [unintelligible]

P: Oh, okay. D: 'Cause I wanted to
seem true to myself (P: Yes.)

D: And not too weird for all the locals
watching TV. (P: I think you nailed it.)

D: 'wewoo'
P: 'Teeem'

D: 'i am going to kill you'
P: 'Why'

D: 'how hard is it to close a drawer'
P: 'snore'

[suspense sound]

D: 'EREGEMCY'
P: 'what'

D: kouign amain (kouign-amann)
is back in stock P: '[dog bark]'

D: [John Bercow voice] ORDER!
P: That's very specific

D: That is an extreme (P: There's this-)
high-energy Dan and Phil moment

P: very rare pastry that's never in stock.
D: Look, look lemme tell you [indistinct]

D: kouign-amann (P: And it was, it's the best)
it's like, it's like a croissant but it's glazed

P: It's like (D: and it's like a puff pastry)
a treat from Heaven (D: it's like a croissant)

D: It's like a doughnut, and when we see that
[dog bark] we leap on it. (P: We have to get it.)

P: 'do you think I'm more rat or frog'
D: Oh, THAT day. (P: Yeah.)

D: That day on the internet.
(P: That was fun.)

D: And then I thought about this, 'damn you
are so 50/50' (P: Which is-)

D: 'like frog energy rat face but also
slight toad face' (P: I'm a frog!)

P: I'm one-hundred percent a frog! Like, you're wrong
here. I've got frog eyes. I'm the frog, and you are the rat.

D: Yeah, I agree. 'who priest'
P: 'should we ask Seán to be an Irish priest'

D: [hums in agreement] 'that would be big LOLs'
'what about an actual priest' [laughs]

P: 'i don't think a real priest would want
to be a part of this.' (D: Oh god.)

P: I mean, they would've seen things.

D: We rented the church, and they
were like, "What're you doing?"

D: and we were like, "It's a short film."

D: [laughs] Oh god.
P: Oh no.

D: 'i'm going frame by frame to make sure

D: i didn't show hole'

P: 'thankfully the cam is mildly out of

P: foc(us) the whole time'

D: Sister Daniel
P: That was-

D: was showing it all in the kitchen

P: It was more than we thought he'd shown

P: when looking back at the footage
D: The buns were out

P: 'don't let a catch lick your scratch'

P: [laughs]
D: Cat calendar

P: Oh. Sounds like a euphemism.

D: Because if a cat likes a wound,
P: Yes!

D: you instantly die?

P: Yeah, you get cat scratch fever.

D: Oh god.

P: And you know me, I already know the
D: [sings "Cat scratch fever"]

P: diseases you can get but the cats were
lovely. We didn't actually get scratched.

- Except one was a bit clingy. When you
and get them off of you, they just wanted

- to stay. They were like- yeah.
D: It likes hooded jumpers.

- Um... excuse me?
P: 'my whole instagram explore is ai tom

- holland and I've never clicked one'

P: [laughs] Honestly! I don't click them.

D: Sureee [sarcastically]

P: The last- last time I looked, it was
D: Yeah?

P: Tom Holland in a bath with Nick Jonas

P: and I was like "What?"

P: Oh no, Dan...

D: Closing out the year
P: [laughs]

D: Oh god.

[sad music starts playing]
D: 'stomach ache'

D: 'why, perhaps just gas'

D: 'what do, rennie?'

P: 'I have a rennie'

D: 'i will collect it from you, in a min'

P: I mean it's December 28th,
D: Medical dad

P: that is- that is the day
D: I'm just digesting

P: when you're going to have gas

D: 'me and my friends would've killed E.T.

D: with hammers i can tell you that much'

D&P: [laugh]

P: This tweet has been deleted
D: This tweet has been deleted [laughing]

P: Here we go.
D: Oh, thumbnail.

D: 'speak in the next 8 minutes or forever

D: hold your peace'

P: 'Sorry it's perfect' This is the only

P: thumbnail that Dan made for the
D: Yes!

P: gaming channel
D: 'let me know when you want to post'

D: 'and i can tweet/tumblr'

P: 'I'll post at 6:30!'

P: 'Did you do ads etc'
D: [laughs]

D: 'yes, text me again when it's live'

D: 'i have the posts primed'

P: 'She is public'

D: 'twunted'

P: 'Qwnt'

D&P: [laugh]

P: It was almost a normal conversation

P: until that moment.

D: We almost, right at the end of the year.

- We almost did it.
P: Almost did it.

D: And then we "Dan and Philed" it.

P: 'The weekend special mince pie bun is

- currently sold out'

D: F- [dog bark]

P: Why?

D: What's the point of making it through

- the year?
P: Ugh.

D: And then our last tweet
(text) of the year.

- Are you ready?
P: Yes!

D: 'is the beeping upstairs'

- 'angry cupboard?'

P: 'Snow is going to start soon'

D: 'pog'

D&P: [laugh]

D: Love that you-
P: Wow!

D: What the [dog bark] is the angry

D: beeping?
P: I just- I don't- I don't care

D: I love that you completely ignored me

D: there.
P: I know, I was just like I don't care.

P: The snow is coming.

D: We are [dog bark] weird.
[claps]

D: I don't know what to say. We are weird.
P: We- we are-

P: We are weirder than last year
D: We are weird.

D: Can we talk like normal people?

P: Absolutely not.

D: When will we run out of strange words

D: to invent?

P: Never.

P: You started this year in Australia,

P: does that feel long ago?
D: And then it was-

D: It feels like a 100 years ago and last

D: week. It's crazy.
P: Yeah.

P: It's been uh-
D: And the summer went boop [snaps fingers]

D: And then all of the sudden, it was a

D: gaming channel comeback.
P: Yeah.

P: As soon as we brought back the gaming

P: channel, I was like beep [snaps fingers]

D: It was like what?
P: Beep [snaps fingers]

D: You need to lie down.
P: I know.

D: Drink some hot water
P: I need a new voice.

D: Shut the [dog bark] up.

P: I feel like next year, we're not even

P: going to text each other
D: No.

P: It's just going to be a psychic

P: communication barrier link that no one
D: Yeah.

P: is even going to be able to comprehend.

D: It's becoming less and less legible as
P: Yeah.

D: time goes on. We will eventually just

D: ascend the mortal coil and turn into

D: weird psychic freaks.

P: That's it. That's the tea.
[Yay! sound effect in background]

D: People want to know what's really going

D: on between us and that's it.
P: There we go.

D: Now you wish you didn't know

P: If you want more of this-
D: Can't get those brain cells back.

P: next year, give us a thumbs up.
D: [laughs]

P: Subscribe to the gaming channel.
D: For the next installment-

D: Oh my god, there has been so much

D: content.
D: We have done so much!

D: You might hate video games but if you

D: love nerds arguing with each other,

D: there is an infinite amount of content
P: Yeah.

D: on that channel.

D: Now, if you haven't binged the whole

D: of everything we've put on 'Dan and

D: Phil Games' for the last 3 months
P: Do it!

D: I'm scared for you.
P: I- I'd say it's very light on the

P: gaming, very high on the bants.

P: Gaming channel is very questionable at

P: this point.
D: Baking!

D: Roasting our own fashion.

D: Reacting to "Phil is not on fire'
[laughs]

P: But-
D: Gold content.

P: It's a good time.
D: Get on it, people.

P: Go watch it!

P: Thank you to Scentbird for

P: sponsoring this- That looked weird.

D: Oh okay. Need some context there.
P: That looked a bit weird.

P: Thank you Scentbird for sponsoring the

P: video! You can use my code. Click the

P: link below for loads of money off.

P: But over 55% off, that's just over $7

P: for your first month.

P: And enjoy your happy smells.

P: And it's almost time for this, isn't it?

D: It has been a journey cooking these
P: Is it coming?

D: plans together, but-
P: The plans.

D: For everyone around the world that

D: finally wants to see my magnum opus

D: mental breakdown live on stage
P: Yes!

D: Doomed is coming.

P: Coming soon.

D: Prepare your moons.

D: We were all doomed.

P: Thank you, Dan.
D: You're welcome.

P: Thank you, Phil. [laughs] What?

P: What's wrong with me?

P: Thank you, you!
D: The laryngitis has gone to his brain.

P: I'm losing the plot.
D: Sidenote: There is no brain to lose.

P: Bye!

D: Text.