What Dan and Phil Text Each Other 2023

Phil: We text each other a lot

Dan: (laughing)

P: And we've now made a tradition
D: Wait which one is this?

P: This is..
D: The fourquel? The threequel?

D: The foursome?
P: The foursome

D: This is a goddamn franchise

Welcome back to the Dan and Phil
texts cinematic universe

In case you're new to this

The idea is we're gonna
read our iMessage conversations

Do you wanna know the real Dan and Phil?
P: (dramatic ooh)

D: Not those stories,
not what everyone thinks P: No

D: Who are actually are they?
What is going on in these minds?

P: What is here? What is here?
D: The most vulnerable-

D: Nothing
P: Nothing

D: The end

P: Little bird noises
D: Short video

P: I sound a bit like a horse because I
had laryngitis

D: Phil made out with a horse
P: Yes

D: He's got horsevid
P: Hm

P: It was the horse prince

(deep voice) Welcome to Dan and Phil text
each other, with Phil's brand new voice

D: Now it just sounds like some patreon
asmr porn thing

P: It does. I should do one of those
D: Okay. Where the f(squeak)k are we sat?

Continuing the kitchen reveal, past what
you saw in the baking video, welcome to

a bit of feature wall
P: Look at this. And then that's the fish

tank that has not been finished yet
D: That is my abandoned fish tank

P: We're both wearing what I think were
the aesthetics of the year from us

P: I'm doing my new bomber jacket era
D: From the Japan pic

D: And I"ve got the single best merch
garment of all time. The doomed hoodie

P: Yeah
D: This sh(bark) snug n a bug n a rug

P: For context, I'm the blue bubbles and
Dan is the black bubbles

D: Obviously
P: Yeah

P: January 1st, proving that I'm the
better friend, I was the first person to

text you, saying-
D: We were in the same location

P: 'Rat' at 2:28am
D: Why would you text me at 2:30 on-

P: I don't know
D: New Years Eve just saying 'rat'

D: Start as you meant to go on,
what the hell is wrong with you?

P: Maybe I'd seen a rat
D: And then the next day showing that

we're real party people with NYD plans..
'Can I have my Switch controllers, only if

it's not the worst hassle'. 90% of our
text conversation are when we're 3 metres

away from each other- P: Yes D: and we
want someone to pass something

or do something
P: For example Dan asking for his Switch

controllers.. probably on the toilet. Just
slide it through the crack..

D: Just me doing a thing, Phil-
P: ..of the door.

D: Oh.. oh god
P: Of the door. Of the door!

D: Not gonna be violet for long
P: Eugh

D: 'Can you say dick on TikTok?'
P: I like that you think I'm the authority

on this. 'I dot think so. You can't
say sex on TikTok.' D: Nice

P: You know how people say sex?

D: Uh 5 E 3
P: Seggs

P: 'This person is on OnlyFans' I'm not
saying who

D: 'Lowkey'
P: 'Are you going to look lol'

D: 'Can't be a- we should get a discount'

P: I don't follow anyone on Only Fans but
I was interested

D: I mean whatever it was, ultimately-

P: Not highkey enough to give him 4 pounds
D: I ain't paying for that

D: We're jumping straight in with Dan and
Phil with their own alien language

what the hell are they on
P: It's too much effort to say real words

P: 'mote'
D: Now this looks like 'to e' but I think

it's toe
P: Toè

P: 'Please can you make'
D: Now that was danandphilese for

it's time to make a coffee.
Welcome to Pluto

P: There we go

D: 'Do you know where my black shirt is?'
P: 'Wow that narrows it down'

D: Yeah walked into that one

P: 'How do batteries work?' wha- wha-
sometimes-

D: Why are you texting me that?
P: I don't know

D: Oh, for gods sake
P: Here I go

'White & gold or blue & black?'
That is 100 white and gold

D: 'Blue & black' clearly
P: The weird thing is with the dress

we had the same. Why are our brains
not connected on this one?

What's happened? We've diverged.
'It is very gold'

D: 'It's a shame your cones don't work'
P: Leave my cones alone man

Alien text two
'Good morn'

D: 'Slorn'
P: 'Do you wanna FaceTime or are you oot?'

P: I was Scottish for a second there
D: 'I can'. Are ya-oot?

- Next day. 'Gronas'
P: 'Nick gronas'

D: 'Do you have visitors?'
P: 'Neon. Nien.'

D: Okay
P: What, I- I don't even.. what..

- What are we talking about
D: What's happening is we're playing

a game with each other. P: Yeah
D: Which is who can make up a pretend

- word that has a rare energy
P: Yeah. It's gotta seem rare

D: And silently we go 'mmm'
P: The zodiac killer has nothing on

- Dan and Phil trying to
communicate in the same house

D: Hey how's Phil doing while
I'm busy on tour

P: Here's a hedgehog rock
D: 'Deliveroo is calling you'

D: Phil had my phone number on his
deliveroo account and then-

D: I was in Australia
P: And they were calling Australia

D: I was asleep at 4am and someone was
like 'y'alright mate got your salad'.

- Phil sent me a lot of memes.

Now, our job is to judge the quality of the

out of context meme pics that Phil sends me

P: I think my meme quality is quite high.

- My favourite tweet.
[reads tweet on screen]

- Just has such good energy!

P: Your receipt's in the bag.
D: You too.

P: [laughs] You're in the bag!

- That's just my humour.

D: Got 'em.

P: What is- AHH!
[dropped phone]

D: [laughs]

P: Oh, caught it between my legs!
Right in the slit.

D: The power of Phil's thighs.

D: Hey Phil,
P: What?

D: you smell nice today!
P: Oh, do I?

D: 'Cause you usually smell like [dog bark].
P: Thank God, because today's sponsor is Scentbird!

Scentbird, which is avaliable in the USA
and Canada is the perfect way to try a new

fragrance without buying a massive bottle
that's just going to sit on your shelf.

And there's a handy quiz you can take
on the website that can tell you what

kind of smell you should be going for.
And then you can choose your own scents,

which are sent out, they're scent out, in
these sexy bottles.

D: Sleek bottles.

P: Got a black one for Dan,
got a green one for me.

D: I went for an Issey Miyake scent,
'cause I'm a big fan.

P: Yeah?

D: And this is one called 'Nuit D'Issey',
which is their regular one but black.

- Spritz!
P: Ooh, here we go!

[sniff]

P: Oh that is very Dan!

- It's clean, and it's like "Hey,
who is this person in the restaurant?"

I went for something that I got on my quiz,
D: Yeah?

P: Which was 'Handsome Devil'.
D: Oh, for God's- really, Phil?

P: 'Cause I am a handsome devil!

D: "Finely curated for the handsome charmer,

the top tier bloke with good looks
and a [indistinct] for danger.

P: I think this is one that I'd use if I

was going to like a fancy night out
or something.

D: Smells! They can make you be the person
you wish you are and absolutely aren't!

P: Yes.
D: But you still get a girthy amount.

- Oh my god.
P: It's generous.

D: And this smells exactly like what
I think being in 'Call Me By Your Name' would be.

P: What, like a peach?
D: Sniff it. No, like a.. like a villa

- in South Europe. Not the peach.
P: Oh, yeah. Okay.

- If you wanna get some new smells in
your life, good smells, you can click the

link below! Use code 'AMAZINGPHIL55'
for 55% off which is a little over $7 for

your first month.

Which is like you might as well do it.
D: Not bad.

- And then we'll fix you up, you stinky bitch!
P: I'm a handsome devil!

- Thanks, Scentbird!

D: Context.
P: What is this?!

D: Yes

- daddies is it

P: side eye

- what are you eating

D: italiano

- cheese time

P: get a 9 cheese

D: Okay, food!
P: You gotta get

D: There's a restaurant in London called
Bone Daddies, okay?

P: I was there! I went to Bone Daddies.
D: He's eating a daddy. I'm on that italiano.

P: [laughs]
D: This is a beautiful moment right here.

- Hog, (sent with Slam Effect)
P: Hog, (sent with Gentle Effect)

D: nougat
P: Grobe

D: Oh [dog bark], we've got our first Reddit clip
P: Okay.

D: Dan,
P: What's it gonna be?

D: Sending a perfectly cut scream, here we go.

- Oh. Oh, he horny.
P: He's chasing her. Has she got the cookie?

[moose scream]

D&P: [laughs]

D: Firstly! You completely ruined that!
P: Sorry!

D: "Has she got the cookie?"
P: Like the ones in Japan!

- That's why they chase you.

D: Ohh,
P: That's what I'm talking about.

- And then they bow.

D: Dude, if I say "he horny" and then you
say "he's thinking has she got the cookie?"

P: You know what I mean! [laughs]

D: Let's just appreciate the scream again.

[moose scream]

P: R
D: tit

D&P: [laughing]

P: What's wrong with us?
D: That is a good-

P: Take our fingers away!
D: Just caps 'R'

- can you call

P: One-hundred percent Dan's in a taxi,
and wants me to talk to him. Everytime!

- The only time I speak to Dan on the phone
D&P: is when-

D: I need you to pretend to have a phone
call with me to get out of a situation

P: Yeah.

D: What Phil does is he starts having a
pretend conversation

P: [laughs] 'cause I can't do fake conversations!
D: I'm not on speaker! Phil will be like,

- "yeah, I'm tending to the hogs and
the y'know it's really, it's really purple today"

D: Phil, you don't need to have a fake conversation with me!
P: I do!

D: There are things to talk about!

P: If you want a fake phone call, I'm
gonna be like "Did Jane find the key?"

D: [laughs]

P: We found the Google emoji
combination app.

D: That was a good day.

P: Cowboy moon is the most cursed thing.
D: That is fucked up. Alien unicorn, that's weird.

- Mind blown hotdog, balloon fish.
P: These are very Dan and Phil.

D: Aww
P: That's us!

- That is us, in the hole.
D: Oh my god, that is so us.
P: I know!

- koala?
D: yes

P: show me that koalussy