The Girls Guide to Depravity S01E03

Rule 23: The Puma Rule

"Sorry, sweetie, late
night last night,
maybe Monday.

"Call you, xo."

I mean, seriously.

After last week's drunken
disaster, I thought he'd
be up for round 2.

I'm offering n.S.A. Sex
and he's too fucking tired!

Wait.

I thought you really liked
Richard. So, how's that "no
strings attached" sex?

Well, he doesn't know that.

For all he knows,
I'm just a whore
who wants to get laid.

Well, you're right
about the whore part.

Why is it so
fucking complicated?

Whoa.

Sometimes I just wish we
were back in the stone age.

I could just club Richard and
bring him back to my cave.

Well, I don't know
if that's how it worked,
but you could try it.

I mean, you're
apartment's cave-like.

How can I club him
when we're never even
in the same room?

What about him?
He looks fuckable.

He's not, last week
he asked if he could
borrow my cell phone.

So?

He said he wanted to call his
mother, and tell her he'd just
met the woman of his dreams.

Ew! How do you even respond
to something so douchey?

I asked him if I could
borrow his apple Martini,
so I could puke into it.

Oh!

Well, what about...

Him in the booth,
with the ironic facial hair.

When I went to the
bathroom, he asked if he
could take my picture,

so he could show
Santa what he wanted
for Christmas.

Oh, he's definitely the winner.

And by winner I mean loser.

They're all losers.

No, scratch that,
we're the losers.

I am so sick of these
lame ass lines.

Then it's the trading
of the phone numbers,

and then cyber stalking,
the sexting, the drive by's.

The befriending of his
ex's to get the dirt on them,

it goes on forever.

It's the whole game.

I can't stand it any more.

Well, well, well,
what's gotten into you?

Sorry.

We just took on this new
cunty client at work.

She doesn't like any
of the ad campaigns
I put together.

Screw her.

Between her and
this back and forth
with Richard,

I just don't have the
energy to play the
game with another guy.

Then we'll go
where the guys
have no game.

Where is this mystical
place that you speak of?

I don't know,

I'm gonna find out.

Damn it!

So 8:00?

At villa tomasino's?

Great.

Great.

Can't wait.

Does your volume knob
turn to the left?

Some of us didn't
sleep so well last night.

That's a good thing, right.

Not if you're watching reruns
of Melrose place, and drowning
your sorrows in pomegeddons.

Poma what?

Pomegranate juice,
vodka, vodka,

vodka.

So, you got reservations
at villa tomasino's.
That's impressive.

She did.

She?

Nicole.

She's a marine botanist.

What does that mean,
she studies seaweed?

Mostly lichen,
and algae too.
Isn't that cool?

Ha. Gangster.

How'd you meet her?

At the farmers market

and you'll never guess
what she said to me.

Was it something about
porcini mushrooms?

"Hi, my name's Nicole.
Would you like to have
dinner sometime?"

That's it.

No lines, no games,
just honest communication.

I respect that.

Oh, Jason.

That is her game.

She pretends
she's this sincere,

innocent little thing,
but it's a con.

She's probably
a manipulative,
conniving bitch!

Or, she's just a really cool,

down to earth, marine botanist.

If you say so.

Could you please
leave my office?

See, that's what
I find so amazing,

is that human life
began in these tiny
underwater vents,

bubbling up.

Mmm, that's what's
so fascinating
about marine life.

I mean, it's all
interconnected down to the
smallest micro-organisms.

Mmm.
I mean, if we mess just
one little thing up,

you can say goodbye
to earth's sol linear.

Can I ask you a question?

Another one about
marine botany?

No, no, no.
Ah, it's about how we met.

Are you always that direct?

Why are you asking?

I don't know.
I'm just...

Just... I liked it.

I'm just curious, that's all.

Not really.

So...

So, that's like
your game, right?

Your ass looked
so hot in those jeans,

I didn't want you to get away.

I didn't have the
nerve to say that.

Maybe, I can get
a better look later on.

We'll take the check, please.

There is nothing
Goin' on tonight.

Is it some kind of holiday
that I don't know about?

Oh, here's one.

It's '80s night
at the weigh station.

Ew, old dude games!

Hookah.

Some kind of museum party...

How about, 2 for
one at Ricky's?

Cheap dude games.

All right, I give up.

Let me see.

Mmm.

Black widow pub.

Are you kidding?
Tyler would kill us.

I know Tyler would kill us,
but it's college night.

So, what does that mean?

College boys, ha.

Too young to have
any game but old
enough to be legal.

Hey, are you ready
for the plan?

We're Goin' to flirt, Mac
with some clueless hotties,
and it's splitsville.

Now I get it.
Mmm-hmm.

Let's do a lap.
You go clockwise,
I go counter-clockwise.

Meet you at the bar.

Wait, my neighbors.

I live right down the hall.
No, can't wait that long.

Ah!

Well, well, well,
am I right,
or am I right?

Yes, nothing but
clueless eager hotties.

But...
No.

No! You're not Goin'
to puss out on me.
What is it this time?

I didn't even know
how to flirt with college
guys, when I was in college.

Mmm.

Watch and learn, baby girl.

Excuse me.

- Hi!
- Hi!

2 questions!
One, where do you
go to school?

We went to the "u."
Yeah, we just graduated.

That's nice.
2, do you and your
hot buddy over here,

wanna make out with
a bunch of dipshit
sorority girls,

or with two hot,
experienced, older women?

We want the experience
older women.
Yeah!

Wait, that means you 2, right?

I get the valedictorian.

Wait, one more question.

Do you guys know
the rules of the game?

Maybe.

What, there's rules?
Dude, shut up.

This isn't a dealbreaker, is
it? I mean, because we really
wanted the experienced women.

Yeah, I mean, if you
want to teach us
the rules...

We could totally...
Stop talking.

I can do that.
It's no problem.

Now!

Okay, okay!

Wait, wait, wait.
Hey, wait.

No.

One second, okay?
Sidebar.

Okay.

Change of plans.

I think I'm gonna
go home with this guy.

Stevie's kind of cute.
I know.

I'm sorry, is that
yours or mine?

Does it matter?
No!

Jesus!

I've not been this
wet since swim team.

So, now it's flirt, Mac...

Fuck.

Sounds like a plan.
Yeah, I love you,
I love you.

I'm not anti-PDA or anything,
but if this is going
where I think it's going...

Where do you guys live?

Less than a mile from here.

Oh, the magic words.

Let's blow this kiddie pool.

Let's do it.

Touch me!

Oh! Oh!

Whoa!

Nice crib.

What'd you say
you guys major in again?

Business.
Finance.

Business and finance.
Yeah.

Nice.

So, my roommates are
probably asleep right now.

Okay, hope I'm not
too loud for you.

Oh, it's like that.

Sure is.

Close your eyes.

What for?

Gonna need to rest
up for round 2.

Maybe this will help.

Whoa! That's not...

Oh!

I had one of those
in high school.

Take that off.

Oh!

Take charge type, me likey.

You really know
what you're doing.

I read some books.

What college?

Get in here.
I'll help you
get out of those.

Sounds like fun, doesn't it?

It does.

I think I got a little
ahead of you.

I'm sorry.

Give me 15 more minutes and...

We can try it again.

Ah, it's stuck.

Oh, my God!
Oh, God!

You fuck good.

I know, you too.

Yes! Yes!

Ah, yes!

Mmm.
No, no, no, no!

Off you go.

Okay.

Night.

Where... where you going?

I thought we could spend
the morning together.

Heading back to the lab,
I have to check my samples.

You'll call me?

Don't worry so much.

What the hell is this?

High school!

Wake up!
Hey, wake up!

Wake up!
Ow!

High school?

You said you graduated
from college!

Are you serious?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Huh?

We told you we
graduated from the u.
Ah!

University provisional
academy, everyone
calls it that.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!
Oh, no! Sam!

Everyone calls it that.
Sam!
High schooler!

Wait!

How old are you?

Hey, idiot. Exactly how
did you get in the bar?

Fake id.
Oh, that's nice!

Please, God, tell me,
you're not jail bait.

Am I in trouble?
Like... like with the law?

Relax, I turn 20 in a month.

It's okay, I just
turned 18 in march.

That's still
way too close
for comfort.

Yeah, but, you had
a good time, right?

I mean, perhaps
a little morning delight.

Don't press your luck, kid.

Call me when you're 20...

Something.

Listen, it's okay.

Keep practicing.

Don't worry, it'll get better.

I hope.

- Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God!

I ran into the mom
in the hallway.

Ha, dad offered
me a cup of coffee,
and I think he winked at me.

What the hell are we doing?
We're cradle robbing, just to
avoid the fucked up gamers.

Now, we're worse than them.

You're just upset
'cause you
couldn't get laid.

Ow!
Okay, never again!
We won't even talk about it.

Okay?
Pinkie promise.
Talk about what?

High school!
18!

Hey, Jason.

Hey, guys, how's it going?

Probably not
as good as it is for
you, Mr. pussy whipped.

Where's miss perfect?

Nicole. She said she'd
be tied up in the
lab for a while.

Oh!

Tiger!

She works with plankton.
Lichen.

Whatever.

Oh, speak of the devil,
there she is.

Wow, she's cute.

Way to go.

I'm Nicole, would you like
to go to dinner sometime?

Uh, yeah, yeah,
I'd really like to.

Guess she does
have a game, after all.

Sorry, jase.

Anyway, fuck her.

Yeah!

Oh!

Buck up, little dude.

Hey, wanna go get brunch?

Where do you wanna go?

A place that serves
pomegeddons.

They're on me.

Come on.

Come on.