Resentment (How to Let Go of Resentment) - Teal Swan -

Hello there,

resentment is one of the strongest
hooks that anchors us to the past,

but the hook is even
stronger if it's ignored

For that reason it's critical to face
resentment directly and to create resolve

Resentment

Resentment is the state of
being in pain as a result

of perceiving that you have been
treated wrongly, unfairly and unjustly

It usually involves
not feeling willing

or able to accept something
or someone that you reject.

I call it a state of being because it
is not an emotion in and of itself.

Instead it is like a soup
of different emotions

all associated with
being treated unfairly

emotions like dumbfounded,
fear, anger, disgust and sadness.

One of the main challenges as
far as resentment is concerned

Is that it instantly converts
itself to distrust.

To understand all about trust,

I want you to watch my
video on [YouTube] titled :

TRUST (What Is Trust and How
To Build Trust In Relationships)

Trust is essentially the
ability to rely on the fact

that somebody is going to capitalize
on and consider your best interests.

Now think about being treated
unfairly, unjustly or wrongly.

Obviously someone's proved
to you that you cannot rely

on them to capitalize on and
consider your best interest

That's why resentment comes
with so much distrust

This bitter distrust is usually
what people are feeling

in someone when they say that
someone can't let go of resentment

you will find that it's easier
to let go of something

If it doesn't have a major impact
on your present or your future.

But when it comes to
chronic resentment

you will find that usually
it involves some

unjust treatment that does

have a big negative impact on
your present or your future.

for example if your
husband or wife

spends all the money in
your account on gambling

that may mean that you lose
your house in the present

and that you can't afford to put your
kids through college in the future

Even if these kind of big consequences
don't exist, distrust still exists,

This means you
will feel closed off

and like an enemy to that
person in your life now

and you will expect them to
betray you again in the future

Now, fair versus unfair,
and wrong versus right,

is a matter of perspective, it is
a highly subjective concept.

However as it applies to resentment
It's important to know

that there may be times when
you have been treated unfairly

or felt like that and you actually
have been treated unfairly

other times where objectively, it
will feel like you've been mistreated

and objectively perhaps someone
did in fact treat you well.

The thing is, is it
still a valid feeling.

You can still feel resentment
regardless of how

right or wrong you are
about being treated unfairly.

It is tempting to think that your
struggle with resentment is all relative

to some recent thing
in the distant past

which is causing you
to feel unjustly treated.

However if strong resentment is
present then there is almost always

strong infiltration from
past experiences

in other words earlier experiences
with being treated unfairly

not being considered by
others, being disregarded,

and having your boundaries violated

Before we launch into what
to do about your resentment.

We have to acknowledge
that there is always

a positive reason why we're
attached to something

something that we're getting
out of not letting go of something.

As it applies to resentment,

resentment is really the unwillingness
or inability to forgive.

Letting go are forgiving gives
most people the feeling

that they simultaneously have
to let go of the unmet need

to be treated fairly and justly
in a way that creates trust.

And so, in order to honor their
need to have just a fair treatment.

They will not forgive

resentment essentially can be
like a wall that a person uses

to protect themselves and
try to get their needs met

a person may keep resentment as both
a boundary and a personal reminder

as if to say no one will
ever do this to me again

Also, you will find that your sense of
self, what some people call the ego,

It needs to be right and
it needs to be good.

so obviously if it can look
at somebody and say:

"That person hurt me. That
person treated me unfairly."

"Then I'm in the victim role."
and in today's society

the victim is the good one and
the victim is the right one.

Whereas the perpetrator is the
wrong one and the bad one.

and so the ego feeds that kind
of a concept through resentment.

So how do we say this
in a different way?

Resentment may be our way of
feeling like we are a good person.

I'm also going to expose another
one of these positive intentions

for holding on resentment, and
it's a pretty interesting one

when somebody has wronged us,

If they're going to stay in our life it
kind of puts them in a position where

they have to make it up
to us or they owe us.

Now if we feel unsafe in relationships,
especially unsafe to how people treat us,

putting people in that position where
they have to make it up to us,

is putting them in
a lower position

and us in a more, let's say,
empowered position than them.

So we try to gain safety through this
power play of putting them in a position

where they have to make right with us
because of something wrong they did

That becomes our guarantee

of good treatment in the
present and in the future.

So what you do if you feel resentment,

and you want to let it go?

Step 1 : you have to become
completely conscious

about what exactly it is that
you are so resentful about.

What happened to you that you
felt was unjust and unfair?

What did someone do that
they shouldn't have done ?

Or didn't they do, that
they should have done?

Going deeper...

Underneath this thing that you say
you feel resentful about currently,

what unresolved in long-standing history
of being treated unfairly and unjustly

Is underneath this particular resentment ?

Am I confusing this
person or this situation

with someone or
something from my past ?

step 2 : you have to ask yourself

whether what you're
really resentful about

Is the fact that you treated
yourself unfairly and unjustly

Is there something
you feel guilty about ?

or some culpability in this situation
that you can't forgive yourself for?

For example let's say that one day,
I decided to get super super drunk

and I blacked out
and then I got raped.

I may spend my life with
resentment towards the rapist

without realizing that the
genuine resentment I feel

is towards the fact that
I got so blackout drunk

that I even put myself in a
position where that could happen.

You will find that resentment and
the blame that goes along with it

feels better than self blame and
better than being blamed by them.

Sometimes we can only let go
of resentment towards others

if we let go of the resentment
we hold towards our self

Step 3 : get really really
clear about the impact

that this resentment is
having on your life.

I want you to close your eyes,

and think if you kept this level or
a more extreme level of resentment

What would be the impact
of that in your future?

What areas of your
life is it affecting?

For example if I resent my spouse

I can see that I have no desire
to make love with them

So we may eventually drift apart

and he or she or I may
seek another partner.

Step 4 : acceptance is a critical
part of letting go of resentment

because if your resentment is present
it means you cannot accept something.

Don't confuse acceptance of something

with adopting something as your
preference or endorsing it.

But take a look at the situation is
causing you to feel resentful

and ask yourself the
following question :

What am I unwilling to
accept about this situation?

Once you have answered
that question ask yourself:

Why am I unwilling to accept that?

If I accepted that what would it mean

or what bad thing
would happen ?

The thing you have to see is that
if you're in a state of resentment

you are pushing really
really hard against it

You're in rejection of it.
You're saying no to it.

But you can't push really
really hard against anything

without putting equal
pressure on yourself.

Go ahead and try it.

Hit your hand against
the wall sometime

and see if you can do it in a way where
your hand does not get kicked back.

This is why so often people
say that resentment

is nothing, but trying to kill other
people by drinking poison.

Once you realize this
about resentment

you get to ask yourself
the question: "Is it worth it?'

I'm not going to answer
that question for you

nor am I the kind of spiritual teacher
who says it's wrong to say,

yes, It's worth it.
It may be.

It may be for you.

But if you're willing to
let go of it you have

to acknowledge that it is not
worth hitting your own hand,

to hit someone else

Step 5 : you have to ask
yourself really honestly;

What bad thing would happen if I
let go of this resentment today?

Like it or not, the answer
to that question is not:

"You're right, I feel better
nothing bad would happen."

There is a part of you who is convinced

that something really bad will happen
if you let go of this resentment.

So the question is:
"What is that?"

For example perhaps
the answer might be:

"If I forgive him or her I make
what they did to me, okay

and it's not okay."

Or if I forgive him or her they will
not get how much they hurt me,

so they will do
it to me again.

or if I forgive him, or her

I'm being like a human
punching bag or a doormat

which is just pathetic

or if I forgive him or her I
will never receive the justice

and fair treatment that I need.

So I want you to consider not only
why you can't let go of the resistance

and resentment, and
forgive someone else,

I also want you to ask these questions
relative to why you can't forgive yourself.

What bad thing would
happen if you did so?

Step 6

Resolve the resultant wound.

but is not just about this current
situation you think you're resentful about

but also the resentment
that is underneath it all

to do this I want you to use my process
called "The Completion Process"

You can learn that process in depth

in my book that's titled:
The Completion Process

So use this process directly

with that feeling of resentment
as it occurs inside your body.

Now another awesome
thing happens

when you use this process
is that in the middle of it

Great insight comes in as
to how you can solve

this current presentment
issue that you're having.

Step 7 : deal with your powerlessness
and your rumination differently.

If you feel resentment
you are preoccupied

with thinking about the causes
and consequences of your distress

instead of focusing
on solutions to it.

This is your beings natural
way of trying to draw

focus to the wound
that is not healed.

But the decision to look for
solutions for the distress

and solutions for how to make the present
or future different in a positive way

Turn your focus in
a different direction.

A direction that will lead to
results, instead of pain

it may help you to look at
the worst case scenario

and not only to figure out
what you learned from

this situation that happened that
you're feeling resentful about

but also

What could you do?

What power do you have relative
to the worst case scenario?

What actions could you take?

This will help you to no longer
fear being blindsided by it.

If you're struggling with
resentment the reality is is that

you spend your time vacillating
between two emotions

those emotions are

Powerlessness

and the terror and fear associated
with that powerlessness,

and Anger / Rage.

What happens is you're looking
at your life, or I should say

this situation you got yourself into,
this causing you to feel a resentment

is causing you
to see your life

Through the lens of
"I am powerless to others."

or "I am powerless to myself," or
"I'm powerless to the world around me."

When you look at your life
through that Powerless worldview

now instantly you
want to feel better

and so the next logical
step is to go into anger.

So you kind of subconsciously
pull yourself into Anger,

but then you go back to focusing on
how you're powerless in the situations

and you go back down into
that powerless type of a terror,

and then you go back
up and to anger.

So that vacillation
back and forth,

is really the breeding
grounds for resentment

So the question is what could
you do relative to this situation

to help you feel less Powerless,
more empowered ?

What power could you
have in this situation ?

When we feel a resentment is an
indication that we do feel like a victim

Now I'm really sick of this idea
in the spiritual community

that there is something super
innately wrong with victim mentality

There's a lot of victim mentality
shaming happening.

And so even if you do
genuinely feel like a victim

you can't admit it in this
field because people go:

"Oh my God. What a victim."

The reality is you have to
acknowledge that aspect of you.

You've got to validate it. You've
got to spend time care taking it.

But you don't let
it lead the boat.

Now that being said once
you have cared for

and acknowledged the
victim aspect of you

the victim is in a place
of powerlessness

So what do we find?

when people look back at situations
to cause them to feel like

they were treated unjustly, through
the lens of : "How did I cause this?"

How did I create it or
what was my role in it?

And they take responsibility
in that way,

What is the natural byproduct
of that responsibility?

A feeling of I had something to do
with this and so I am in control.

We see that a feeling
of empowerment

and a loss of that feeling
of disempowerment occurs

I just really want you to avoid slipping
into self blame when you do this.

That is not the direction
you want to go.

Slipping in self blame is even worse
than blaming other people.

In a vibrational sense
it does worse things

to your body, your mind
and your emotional state.

so without slipping
into self blame,

just for the sake of you going
into more empowerment

instead of looking at the world
through a powerless worldview

You want to look at how you have any
responsibility for the role you played

in this situation and
how knowing that

you could do something
differently in the future

Step 8 : take the situation where
you feel like you were treated

unfairly and unjustly and
wrongly and try to find

approval for what happened.

Anything you can possibly think

that is positive about
that having happened.

People who did not suffer
from past traumas

are the ones who managed to
see them as a benefit to themselves

Instead of as a detriment.

As hard as it may sound do not take
this as an invalidation of the pain.

Simply do this practice for the
sake of your own desire

to feel better personally.

earlier in this video I explained
that if you've got resentment

it is that you are unwilling
to accept something

that you judge
as wrong or bad.

You cannot accept something
that you do not like.

How do you get yourself
to accept something?

You get really
aggressive with it.

The most aggressive way to accept
is to find approval for something.

If you find approval instead of saying
no to something you're saying yes to it.

So focus towards what happened

in the way where you can agree
with it instead of disagree with it.

Part of this process involves
looking at how the situation

could have been
worse than it was

This will help you naturally develop
acceptance for what occurred.

And remember make this more about
a commitment to your own well-being

rather than anything else

9 : Meaning is the basis for suffering.

what happens when we
experience something

where we feel like we are
treated unjustly and unfairly?

We add meaning
to the experience.

And not positive meaning,
negative meaning.

to understand how this occurs

I want you to watch my
Youtube video titled:

Meaning ( The Self-destruct Button)

For the sake of this video, I'm
going to give you an example;

Let's say that the unfair thing
the unjust thing that happen

is that my partner
cheated on me.

Now maybe I make that mean that they
don't love me or that I'm not worthy.

It's that meaning that we add
to the experience, in fact,

that causes us pain.

So on top of figuring out
what painful meaning

you added to this unfair experience,

I want you to figure out how
what happened is not personal.

When unjust and unfair thing
has happened to us,

bad things, we take it personally.

We never make it about what's
going on in the other person's life.

When oftentimes that is a crucial
element to why we were treated unfairly.

So one of the keys to getting
over this unjust and unfairness

is to try to look for how what
happened, is not personal.

it may have more to do with what's
going on in the life of that other person

10 : Resentment is synonymous

with the non expression of
painful emotional truths``.

What we will find when
we're dealing is resentment.

probably 9 out of 10 if not
10 out of 10 times

is that there's something
that occurred

and we did not express
the way we felt about it

when it happened because we were
afraid of the consequences of doing so.

So what happens those feeling,
because they had nowhere to go,

become internalized and that
internalization of resentment instantly

ferments those feelings and
they turn into resentment.

take a look at what
you did not express

in the situation that
you feel resentful about

What's the truth you did not share?

Then take an even deeper look at
why you did not express those things.

For example you may have
been terrified of rejection

or fearful of losing a connection.

Or you may have felt like it wasn't
going to make any difference you did.

11 : take a serious look at
your own expectations.

If resentment is present it means
that one of our expectations we had

no one lived up to it.

So you get clear relative to
this unserved circumstance,

what you expected.

also, get clear on what
you expect currently.

And communicate
that to other people.

But to understand more about
this concept of expectation,

I need you to watch my
youtube video that is titled:

Priceless Relationship Advice
(Expectations and Assumptions)

Step 12 : if you feel resentment it means
something is not how you want it to be.

it means that looking
at that situation

You are telling yourself that
something should be,

that isn't or
shouldn't be, that is

So you can choose to question
your shoulds or your shouldn'ts.

One of my favorite processes
for this is Byron Katie's work

That is quite literally
called: "The Work"

Conversely, you can realize that
knowing what you do not want,

how you don't want
something to be,

is a very great way of becoming
aware of what you

do want and how you do
want something to be.

And once you know that, you
can focus with all of your effort

like feeding all of your focus attention
and all of the energy into that direction.

Towards what you want,
through visualizations,

through taking actual action
steps to create those things

You're headed in the
direction of what is wanted

instead of ruminating
over what is unwanted.

The truth is that resentment,
it kills relationships.

But it is not a monster
and it is not an enemy.

Resentment is just a natural
byproduct of having no resolution.

So focus directly on
creating that resolution,

on feeling empowered,

going in the direction of what
you now know that you do want.

and the byproducts of that lack
of resolution will no longer occur.

Have a good week.

Subtitles by: Tanya Duarte