The FREAKAZOID Fan Film (A Fan Film)

[tense music building]

[heroic fanfare]

[light, playful jazz beat]

[knocking]

[pounding]

The hell?

Chris.R.Noterelli, how the hell are you?

Increasingly uncomfortable.

Are you supposed to be Freakazoid?

No I am Freakazoid
and I need your help, chum!

You know what, I shouldn't have asked,

but I'm just gonna go with this.

Come on in.

(Chris) So, what can I do?

(Freakazoid) I'm not gonna lie, Chris,
things are bad! Very bad!

The world, it needs me. That's why I came to you.

What are you talking about?

I need you to make me a fan film!

A fan film?

Yes!

But why come to me? Why not call Steven Spielb-

[interrupting] Shhhh...

Don't say his name!

Otherwise, they could charge us for royalties

and I don't have the money for that. Do you?

No.

That's what I thought.

But why me? And why a fan film?

Because it's been over twenty years
since Hollywood returned any of my calls

and ever since Deadpool stole my act,

I can barely book a kid's birthday party,

let alone be considered for a reboot!

Sooo... you hope to make a movie deal?

Yes.

And if not, you'll remain unemployed?

Ye... HAAA! I saw what you did there!

Well, I can't say you didn't
come to the right place.

I'm flattered I was your first choice.

Yes, you uhh...
definitely were my first choice.

Right.

Right!

But, seriously, a Freakazoid reboot?

Who'd want to see that?

I don't know, I think it has potential!

Alright, but your shtick is really dated.

I mean the whole cutaway bit?

Family Guy's pretty much
dominated the market on that.

True, but do they have...

[gentle music playing]

Boring!

You gotta give me more than that, dude.

What do you mean?

Alright.

People like things to be edgy.

Reboots these days are much grittier.

Cartoons have a lot more adult humor.

I mean, do you even curse?

[loud gasp]

Gasp!

[another loud gasp]

I... how dare you, sir?!

I gasp at thee!

[loudly] Gasp!

I'm going to take that as a no.

[laughing] Of course I can curse!

Are you sure?

Ohhh, yeah! I can curse!

I can curse like the dickens!

I can swear like a sailor with scabies!

I can... I can...

Waiting on you, sports fan.

[exasperated] Okay!

[nervous laughter] I'm going to do it!

I'm all ears.

[nervous vocalizations]

Ffff... ffff...

Do I really have to?

It's on you, buddy.

Okay...

Here it comes!

[curse word, censored]

[laughing] Seriously?

[curse words, censored] with a [censored]
monkeys up his [censored]

Well, I mean, I guess we can
make a gag out of that.

I don't understand.

Why am I being censored?

I wouldn't even know where to
begin to answer that.

[gasp]

The V-Chip!

V-Chip?

On Dexter's old computer!

The one that created me!

His parents must have installed a V-Chip

to make sure that he didn't look up
anything... naughty!

Those monsters!

Oh, God!

[shouting] I'm gonna be
kid-friendly the rest of my life!

[shouting] How am I ever going to be
funnier than Deadpool now?

Alright, look, you don't need to curse
to be funnier than Deadpool.

[exuberantly] Oh, if only
you could understand!

[exuberantly] With the Deadpool
and the funny, funny, ha, ha

everybody loves Ryan Reynolds with
the sexually ambiguous humor!

Right.

[anguished moan]

Well, I mean, a fan film
could work in theory.

What we need is just a good story.

Yeah?

Yeah, I'm not making any guarantees, but...

[loudly] Then do I have a story for you!

The super sinister evil egghead The Lobe

has captured my sweety-poo Stephy-kins

and only I, Freakazoid, can save her
before his diabolical neutron bomb

goes off and destroys...

[dramatically] the world!

Alright, let me stop you right there, chief.

No.

Why?

A neutron bomb?

Why would The Lobe
want to destroy the planet

when he's literally living on it?

It just makes no sense.

Well, excuse me, Mr. Director!

What if we went gritty?

Go on...

[thunder]

[offscreen narration] It's a dark
and stormy night

[narration] and a woman's cry echoes
from within the confines of an old house.

[woman screaming]

Steph! Steph!

Where are you?

[offscreen, ominous} You shouldn't
have come here, Freakazoid.

That voice... I know that voice!

Candle Jack!

You rang?

[loud scream]

You monster!

What have you done with
my sweet, sweet Stephy?

That was merely a ruse.

She was never here, Freakazoid.

Now that I have you, I can finally...

um... finally...

Finally what?

I'm not sure, actually.

You usually stop me by now,
so this is kind of a first.

Well...
[nervous laugh] that's okay...

You could also let me go, right?

"If it ain't broke, don't fix it!"

[nervous laughter]

Well, I suppose...

Hey, wait a minute!

I got you fair and square!

And now that I have you, I will...

I will... figure something out!

You wait right here.

I have to make a call.

[footsteps receding]

Okay.

[whistling]

[cell phone beeping]

[Candle Jack sighs]

(phone, male) Hello?

(Jack) Terry, hey.

(Jack) It's me.
(Terry) What's going on, brother?

(Jack) I got him! I finally got him!

(Terry) Jack, we talked about this.

(Jack) I know, but, Terry, I got him!
Rope and everything!

(Terry) Oh, yeah?
And what are you going to do?

(Jack) Umm... that's why I called.

(Terry) Jack, as your sponsor,
you know I can't condone any of this.

(Terry) You gotta know when to say,
"enough is enough!"

(Jack) This is the last time, I swear!

(Terry) Enough is enough, Jack.
Say it with me.

(Jack) Terry, come on!

(Terry) Enough... is enough.

[Jack sighs]

(Jack) Enough is enough.

(Terry) Good. I'm here for you, buddy.

[Jack sobs, pounds on wall]

(Jack) I know! I'm sorry!

(Jack) I'm so sorry!

(Terry) It's okay. You got this.

(Terry) I'll see you at group on Sunday, alright?

(Jack) Okay.

(Terry) Stay strong, brother.

(Jack) You, too.

[cell phone beeps]

[Jack sighs]

Enough is enough.

[repeating] Enough is enough.

[repeating]

Well, you're in luck, I...

[tense music]

Uh oh!

[popping noise]

Hey, you want to be a farmer?

Here's a couple of acres.

Now that's what I'm talking about!

[victorious music]

Not bad!

Thank you!

[laughs]

So, uh... when do we start?

Well, unfortunately, we can't.

Why not?

Because we already did it.

What?

You mean... this?

You and me just bantering on
for seven pages?

That was my fan film?

Well that and the Candle Jack scene, yeah.

Mother...

[music]

♪ Super teen extraordinaire ♪

♪ Freakazoid, Freakazoid ♪

♪ He runs around in underwear ♪

♪ Freakazoid, Freakazoid ♪

♪ He rescues Washington, D.C. ♪

♪Freakazoid, Freakazoid ♪

♪ Unless something better's on TV ♪

♪Freakazoid, Freakazoid ♪

♪ His brain's overloading!
It has a chocolate coating! ♪

♪ Textbook case for Sigmund Freud ♪

♪ Freakazoid, Freakazoid ♪

♪ Check out Dexter Douglas ♪
♪ Nerd computer ace ♪

♪ Went surfing on the internet ♪
♪ and was zapped to cyberspace! ♪

♪ He turned into the Freakazoid ♪
♪ He's strong and super quick! ♪

♪ He drives the villains crazy ♪
♪ cause he's a lunatic! ♪

♪ Freakazoid! ♪