To the Root of Addictions | with Sister Dang Nghiem

Dear beloved Thay, dear friends.

I know you are still there,
and I am very happy.

Today I'd like to share with you
a little bit of the reflection that I have

on addiction.

Recently, there was
a beautiful young woman

who came to Deer Park Monastery

on a Day of Mindfulness, and

She approached me,

and thanked me for my book,
"Healing: Journey from Doctor to Nun."

And after some exchanges, I hugged her.

And I could feel that her body
was trembling

from deep inside.

and I felt right away,

that this is somebody
who is going through trauma.

So, I invited her to walk with me,
and then we sat down

to talk with each other for a while.

So I learned from her that she's going
through a rehabilitation program.

And she told me that in the library
where she's staying at, for the rehab,

she found my book.

And so she's checked it out
and she was reading it.

She felt comforted and helped by it.

So I was very moved to know that
there are programs out there

who use Dharma talks,
our Dharma talks on YouTube,

who use our books,

written by our beloved teacher,
Zen Master Thich Nhat Hanh

and also by our monastic
brothers and sisters

in the Plum Village community.

She said to me that

she was very grateful to be able to share
with me about her journey,

because addiction has such a stigma,
that she rarely ever shared with people.

So it was quite a comfort for her
to be able to speak with me

so openly about her addiction.

I see addiction is only really the tip,
the branch of a tree.

Often we're caught in

the stigma of addiction, the ones who are
addicted and also the society.

We see that as the main problem.

But really, when we look deeply,
we will see that addiction is only

a manifestation of a deeper,
more rooted problem:

suffering, trauma
that a person has gone through.

Either in childhood or in teenage years,
during teenage years

or later in life.

So when we go through a crisis,
we, just for survival,

we find ways to cope with it.

So the coping mechanism that,
as humans, we naturally have

is to either to fight,
try to fight the situation,

or to run away from the situation,

or if we feel trapped,
there's no way out,

then the nervous system
automatically shuts down

and we go through a freeze response.

We're frozen from within,
or the mind takes off,

so it doesn't have to witness
the suffering, the pain of the body.

And then of course, depending on the
environment we may be in,

when we're suffering and we want
to find an escape,

if we have family members or friends,
or we watch on television,

we see some role models.

And if they use drugs,
they use pornography,

they use alcohol, work, sex, etc.

to escape their troubles,

then we might also learn that way.

I've known people as children,
as young teenagers,

who used pornography to numb,
to escape the problems in their families.

So whichever coping mechanism
that we may employed

during the initial stage of the suffering,

it may become a habit.

Even though we are no longer going through
that crisis, that trauma,

but the coping mechanism
has become a habit.

We are trapped in it.
We have rehearsed it for so long.

So a person who is addicted to sex,
to pornography, to drugs, to alcohol,

to work, to entertainment,
to games, etc. etc.

What was originally an escape,
something that actually helped us

to survive, or to not have to confront
the situation that was too much for us

to understand or to handle,

now it has become a crutch.

Now that we have grown up,
but we are trapped.

The wounded child is us
is trapped in this body.

And it's trapped with
this coping mechanism

that is now, causes us a lot of suffering.

I think it's important to see addiction
in this light.

So that we can remove some of the stigma,
the shame, the guilt, the helplessness,

the blame on those who are addicted.

If we look deeply, all of us, we have used
some coping mechanisms or others.

Some are more helpful, beneficial, or less
destructive, or more subtle,

but we have employed different
coping mechanisms.

And so if we see it in that way

we gain understanding and compassion,

for ourselves, and for each other.

And we also gain a hope
to be able to transform the addiction.

So instead of focusing
on the tip of a branch,

we look more deeply into the roots
of the problem,

such as the trauma, the suffering.

So in our practice, we learn to calm
our mind, to calm our body,

and this young woman was sharing with me
that she was listening to many YouTubes

from our monastic brothers and sisters
and from our teacher.

And she's been learning
about mindful breathing,

and she has been practicing that.

So mindful breathing can help us
to come back to our body.

Maybe it's not easy for some of us to
come back to our breathing

because we have been so alienated
from our own body,

and the breathing has become so short
and suffocating for us to be aware of.

So if that's the case,
we can also learn to come back

and be aware of our hands, for example.

So instead of focusing on the breath,
we focus on our hands.

As we breathe in,
we see that the hands close...

we breathe out, the hands are open.

And actually, there's a natural movement,
a very slight movement of the hands,

but they actually move like this
when we breathe in,

and they move like this
when we breathe out, naturally.

But we can exaggerate that movement,

just to be aware
of the movement of our hands.

Or can put our hands on our lap,
and then as we breathe in,

we raise the hand,

and as we breathe out,
we put down the hand on our lap.

I also learned to do this:

breathe in,
breathe out

like a little flower bud.

In breath, out breath.

In breath, out breath.

In breath, out breath.

So as we learn to come back to the body,
which we have neglected, deserted, or hurt

for so long, we have hurt it,
abused it for so long.

Now, slowly, we come back to befriend it.

Breathing in, I befriend my breath.
My in breath.

Or breathing in, I befriend my hands.
I befriend my lungs, my heart,

I befriend my body.

And breathing out, I smile
to my body.

I smile to my out breath,
I smile to myself.

It's important to learn
to befriend ourselves

in place of harsh speech,
condemning speech.

Now we learn to just gently,
saying 'hello' to our body,

saying 'hello' to parts of our body,
to our breath.

Addiction is not just about the drugs,
the object of our addiction.

It entails so much of an image that
has become us.

"I'm an addict."
"I'm all messed up."

"My life is ruined."

Families and friends are frustrated,
maybe that have walked away from us.

Maybe we have lost our job,
we have lost our marriage,

we've lost our career,
we've lost trust in ourselves,

in our own capacity
to take care of ourselves,

to take care
of difficulties in our lives.

And so it's a great burden.

And of course as we use drugs,
or alcohol, pornography, etc.

the physical illness also has begun
to appear in our lives, in our body.

So we may have many withdrawal symptoms,
we may develop anxiety, and depression.

So we face many,
many, many problems all at once.

And it can be so overwhelming.

The tolerance, the sensitization to the
objects of our addiction,

causes us a lot of suffering.

I want to talk a little bit about that.

So let's say in the beginning,

our feelings, our sense
of well-being or ill-being starts

let's say at level 5.

We feel at just level 5.

And by trying out that drug,

or the alcohol,
or the pornography, etc.

we may feel our mood peaked up
to a level 7, or 8,

which is a great feeling.
And we like that.

And we hope to come back to that
level 7, 8, or even 9 again.

But very soon,
to do that same amount of drugs,

doesn't get us to level 8 anymore,

but only to level 7.

And slowly, 6.
And slowly, 5.

So that's when we begin
to develop tolerance.

So we have to do more, the dose is bigger.

We do more of that.
Just to get to level 7 now.

Just to get to level 6.

And now without the drugs, we don't feel
at level 5 like before we do the drugs.

But we may feel only at the level 4,
or 3, or 2.

We feel sick.

So now we do drugs
not because we enjoy it,

not because it gives us a great feeling,

but because we do it so that we don't feel
so sick. We don't feel so bad.

This excruciating discomfort and pain
in our body and mind.

And so we seek the drug
just to feel okay.

So that, right there, is something that
many of us may not think of,

especially if we don't have
that particular addiction

to that particular drug.

We may think people

just want to feel good,
that's why they do drugs.

No, they just want to feel normal.
To feel tolerable.

That's tolerance that we develop.

The brain has gotten used to it,
so it doesn't respond to it anymore.

It needs a stronger dose.

And at the same time, the brain develops
a sensitization.

It means that
even if we try just a little bit,

it induces a stronger craving
than before.

So now, as the addiction
becomes stronger,

it needs less of the drug,
less of the stimulation,

of the images and sounds

for us to feel this extreme craving,

that we need to seek
that object of addiction

in order to calm ourselves down.

So we do it out of craving,
out of discomfort,

not because we enjoy it anymore.

And many of us we also suffer from denial.

It takes a long time
for a person with a mental illness

to recognize, and to accept

that they have a mental illness.

That's why the mental illness
becomes worse,

because we don't acknowledge it,
we don't accept it.

So we try to do drugs,
that's also another situation

when we have an illness,
a physical problem, a physical pain.

And we cannot deal with it,
so we seek a drug,

even, you know, a pharmaceutical drug
to suppress that pain.

And so then we become addicted to it...

So to acknowledge that we have an
addiction to a drug or something,

it's also very difficult for us
because we feel justified,

or we want to justify our actions.

And that makes it even more difficult
for us to seek help,

or to try to find a way out of the problem

because we go through denial.

Every type of addiction,
it takes place because

it changes our brain.

When I was in medical school,
neuroplasticity was not spoken

very much about.

But the last 20 years or so,
the scientific community has begun

to talk more about neuroplasticity.

Which, to me, the Buddha had always
known all along, 2,600 years ago.

And that's why a Buddhist practice,
the Buddha's teachings

is all about taking care of the mind,
taking care of our thought, speech,

and bodily actions.

And even the Buddha said,
"There's one thing, if left uncultivated,

it will bring a lot of suffering
and misery."

What is that one thing?

It's the mind.

And the Buddha also said that there's
one thing that if it is well cultivated,

then it will bring a lot of happiness.

What is that one thing?

It's our mind.

It's our mind, our capacity to be there
for what is, to recognize what is,

and to take good care of it.

And that brings me to the...

Alcoholics Anonymous, that program,
they have what is called

12 Step Program.

And one day, it came to me that actually,
we as Buddhist practitioners,

we also go through the 12 step program.

And that includes: Four Noble Truths,
and the Eightfold Path.

When you add them together,
that's the 12 Step Program for all of us.

For the Four Noble Truths,

the first Noble Truth
is that there is suffering.

It is important that we learn,
to acknowledge

that we are going through
a difficulty.

We are going through a traumatic event.

To acknowledge that there is suffering
is already liberating.

And most of us, in our society,
we don't practice this.

We try to suppress it,
we try to find something to cover it up.

We don't want to acknowledge
that there's suffering.

What is so noble about suffering that the
Buddha called 'Noble Truth of Suffering'?

It's only noble because we recognize it.
That's the first step.

It's a stepping stone.

And the second Noble Truth

is that we recognize
that there are causes of suffering,

just like I was sharing about

the root cause of addiction,
and not just the tip,

the branch of it,
but there's root cause.

So we look deeply into the causes
at different stages in our lives

in our family situation,
in our social situation,

in the stage of the world,

all of those factors play in a life
of a human being

because we are interconnected
to all that.

So looking into
the causes of our suffering,

it's very important and to recognize them

and not only to see
the causes of our suffering,

but as we practice more deeply,

we also look into the causes of suffering
in those who cause us suffering.

And we recognize that

the perpetrators of our suffering
were themselves, also victims.

Not so long ago, I gave consultation
to this woman.

And she came with some other questions,
as she told me later,

but, we sat for a little bit,

and she started,
hesitantly she started to,

I could tell in her body she wanted to
share something much deeper

than the questions
that she had in mind.

And then she looked at me,
and she asked me,

she said to me,

"When I was 5 years old,
I was pinned down by 5 boys.

How do I live with that?"

And as she started
to tell me what happened,

her body started to shake.

And I put my hand on her knee,
and her body was tremoring

more and more violently.

And then that moment,
I realized:

this is real.

She's going through the experience.

So I told her, "You don't need to talk."

Just breathe.

And I hugged her.

And her body, her whole body
started to tremor.

It started with her hands,
and then her knees,

and then her whole body.

And I told her, "Let's sit on the floor."

And so I helped her to sit on the floor.

And I held her in my arms,
and she was in a crouching position

of a child, literally of a child.
She was crouching like this.

And I was holding her from the back,
and I just rocked her back and forth.

I just rocked her.

She became a child,
a 5 year old girl right in front of me.

And I just rocked her,
and just held her very tight.

In that moment, something in me
told me that's what she needed,

just deep, strong pressure, embrace,
and just be there for her.

And she shook for a very, very long time.

And then slowly,
her body tremor less and less.

And she said to me, "Thank you."

"Thank you. Thank you."

So she was just whispering these words,

and I was still holding her,
and still rocking her, her body,

and I told her, "Thank you."

"Thank you for surviving all these years."

"Thank you for having made all these
efforts in your life."

She thanked me.

Now that I think about it, I'm not sure
if she was the one who thanked me,

or the little child in her thanked me.

But I was definitely thanking
her inner child

for having tried so hard,
for surviving.

For doing
extraordinary things in her life,

despite all that pain and shame and guilt

and sadness that she's carried
all her life.

She even said, "I was following the boys
but I was just a little kid,

I didn't know."

So in our sharing, I also said to her,
"For those young teenage boys,

to have done that to you,
they must have seen that somewhere.

And so they imitiated
that violence upon you.

So they too were victims."

For the young boys to have done that
to a little 5 year old girl,

their lives would never be
the same anymore.

Their thoughts, their speech, and their
bodily actions are forever changed.

Their lives could never
be truly happy anymore.

So as we look deeply into the causes
of our suffering,

we also learn to look deeply into
the causes of suffering

in those who have done harm to us.

And that, is the Second Noble Truth.

And it helps us to see
that there is a way out.

That suffering

can be transformed and healed,

and that's the third Noble Truth.

And the fourth Noble Truth is
that there is a specific way out.

And that's the Noble Eightfold Path.

Suffering can be transformed,
happiness can be cultivated

with Right Mindfulness.

We are all aware of things,
but sometimes that's wrong mindfulness

when we focus on only pornographic images,
on the drugs, on certain situations.

We're zoomed in that, but that's
unbeneficial mindfulness.

So we learn to bring Right Mindfulness
into our awareness,

what we look at, what we hear,
what we smell,

what we take into our body,
throught our mouths,

through our body, through our thoughts.

Right Mindfulness
brings Right Concentration.

We focus on the positivity,
on what's still there in our lives.

Those who are still with us,
still try to help us,

the conditions of happiness
that are still there.

For the young women that I see,
their bodies thankfully are still healthy.

They still have enough good health,
they're still young enough to transform.

Their brain is incredibly capable
of change.

The addiction changes our brain.

And as we practice,
we also change our brain.

Neuroplasticity means that the brain
is malleable, is changeable.

Not just in our childhood,
but throughout our whole entire life.

The brain can always change.
And that is why we are able,

everybody now, know how to use
the iPhone, the computer,

even if that person
is in their 70s or 80s.

The person can still learn.

It's because you have that interest,

you put that effort,
that concentration on it,

that's why you learn a new skill.

And so that proves that all of us
can change our mind.

Instead of having developed all these
neural networks that are associated

with certain habits, addiction,
certain people and environments,

now, we can also develop new
neural networks.

Let's call it mindful neural networks.

We need to choose an environment
that is more positive.

If it's necessary that we move to another
place, another apartment,

another neighborhood, another state,

sometimes people even move to a
different country.

We move out of a
different circle of friends,

certain kind of work,

we need a different environment that
helps us to develop new habits

and to wean off the old habits,
the old associations,

triggering factors.

And so Right Mindfulness,
Right Concentration

will lead to Right View.

Right View about interbeing,
the victim is in the perpetrator.

And the perpetrator has become a victim.

And we ourselves have been victims
and also, we have been perpetrators

of our own suffering,
and of the suffering of others as well.

And so in that way, we don't always
take the stance of a victim,

but we are more proactive,
we feel more responsible

for our own lives, and each other's lives.

And that helps us to

to put more positive effort
into change, believing in our capacity

to heal and transform.

Right View will help us to have
right thinking in our daily life.

People can go through a rehabilitation
program one time, two times, or many times

and it may not be successful.

And so as one musters enough courage
to try it again,

one is burdened with the thought

"I failed before, now what's different?"

So that's important, that we find a
different environment, we get more help

and also, neuroplasticity takes place.

The most important factor that helps us
to change our brain, to change our mind

is through thoughts.

Through positive, right thinking,
positive, right views.

We think all the time.

But if we can simply
recognize that thought

as beneficial or unbeneficial,

and we learn to change it,
we breathe in and breathe out,

and smile with that negative thought.

And to change it into something positive,
"I love you, I'm here for you."

"Let us give each other another chance."
We tell that to ourselves.

Instead of looking at our body and
feeling shame, we say,

"Thank you, thank you for being there,
for being so resilient and forgiving.

Help me to love you.
Help me to take good care of you."

So the Right View and Right Thinking
are the most determining factors

to our transformation and healing,
most effective way of healing ourselves,

and then that will lead to Right Speech,
the Right Speech towards ourselves

and to others.

Right Bodily Actions.

We learn to nurture our body more.

I taught that young woman who
came for a Day of Mindfulness

to massage her face,
to hold her own hands,

to hug herself.

And her body was also tremoring,
very mildly.

So I asked her

"Do you know that your body is tremoring,
do you know why?"

And she said, "It's my anxiety."

That made me think of the woman
who went through this trauma

as a 5 year old girl, and how I held her.

And I thought, 'Can we do that for each
other too?'

When somebody goes through withdrawal,
let's say from a drug addiction,

and our bodies also tremor like that,
can we hug ourselves,

and rock ourselves,
and speak lovingly to ourselves?

Can we do that for our loved ones?
For a friend?

For somebody when that person is going
through withdrawal, and tremoring

all over like that?

Because that physical tremor,
but that is also psychological tremor.

All the suffering is arising, the mental
pain along with the physical pain.

Can we do that for ourselves
and for each other?

Because this woman whom I held very
tightly and rocked her body,

the next day she told me,
"Thank you. I feel that my inner child

just bursted out of me.
My inner child wanted to be seen

and to be held by you.

Because I myself didn't know how to do
that for her all these years.

I didn't know how."

And she was grateful that I showed her how
to hold her own wounded child

so that when it happens again,
if it happens again,

she will know how.

And she feels so much more connected

to herself, to her inner child,
so much lighter.

That's transformation at the base,
it's very deep healing.

Animals, when they are chased,
when they escape death,

they shake, violently.

The birds, they shake - I've seen a bird
run into a window and fall down,

and it gets up,
it shakes for a long while,

and then it flies away.

I've seen other animals here, they shake
after they escaped a snake or something.

Human beings, we also tremor and shake

after a car accident,
or after we should fall

or something that startled us.

Unfortunately, we don't really allow

our whole body
to go through that whole process.

We get up, and we try to move on,
look around is anybody saw that we fell.

Somebody just escaped from drowning.

And when he was rescued, he told me,

he lay down for a few minutes,
and then he got up,

and he drove his car,
picked up his son,

and the next day,
he went to another state for his work.

His body never had the chance to shake out
all of that nervous, frightful energy.

It never completed that tremoring process.

And so he got really sick for two weeks,
he couldn't get over a cold,

even though he was
a very healthy young man.

Many of us, we continue to suffer
because one situation after another,

we don't allow ourselves

the time and space
to process that trauma, that incident

physically, emotionally, psychologically.

And it's held in here, the body becomes to
shake from deep within.

Sometimes I hug a person,
usually it's a young woman,

or an older woman,
when I hug her,

I would feel this tremor deep in the core.

The person is not aware, but I can feel it
coming out from deep within.

Mild tremor, but it was definitely there.
And that's trauma, held deep within

every cell of our body.

So to be aware of the Four Noble Truths
and to practice the Eightfold Noble Path,

Right Mindfulness, Right Concentration,
Right View, Right Thinking, Right Speech,

Right Bodily Actions, Right Livelihood.

Find a work that is meaningful,
that is helpful to us.

To get less of a pay but have more time
to take care of ourselves

of our loved ones.

That gives us meaning, that we are
helping others, helping Mother Earth.

Right Livelihood and Right Diligence,
Eightfold Noble Path.

Right Diligence - it's very important
for all of us.

We have 4 kinds of diligence:

The first two kinds of diligence deal
with the positive seeds in us.

When... we suffer

when we have an addiction, we only see
the negativity of our situation.

Only see the negativity in ourselves.

But we all have very positive seeds,
seeds of joy, of love, of understanding,

of kindness, of generosity, of wishing
well for ourselves and others.

So we need to water those good seeds
in us, however tiny they are

as a sprout, we need to recognize them,
identify them, and water them.

And invite them to stay longer in
our consciousness.

If you see your inner child

through a way of thinking,
or a way of speaking or behaving,

you say 'Hello' to her.
"Hello, I know you are there."

"Thank you.
Help me to take good care of you."

You invite your inner child to be there
a little longer.

To bring her up and to keep her there,
to keep him there a little while.

To get to know each other,
to water the good seeds,

the gratitude for our inner child.

And the other two practices of diligence
deal with the negative seeds.

Seeds of self-doubt, of shame,
of guilt, of blame, of sadness,

we learn not to water them.

To acknowledge them, and then to bring
them back down, not to rehearse them

with sights, sounds, music, conversations,
thoughts that only make ourselves

more negative.

And not to bring them up through movies,
images, thoughts, not to trigger them.

Recognize them when they are there,
breathe, relax the whole body,

and let them calm down.

And then we can look into them and
understand them more.

So that's the Buddhist 12 Step Practice
right there, that we can all do

with any kind of addiction
that we may recognize in ourselves.

And that will help us to build trust
and confidence in ourselves.

Most of us, however "successful",
are broken, we are.

We never feel that we are enough.

We're not good enough.

We're not enough.

But when we practice mindful breathing,
mindful walking, loving speech, and

deep listening to ourselves,
to our suffering, to our trouble,

slowly, we gain trust and confidence

that we are able to be there for ourselves

through the thick and the thin.

We can listen to ourselves,
we can understand ourselves,

we can care for ourselves concretely.

So we regain that trust and confidence
that we had lost,

or we might have never had for ourselves.

And also, through our daily spiritual
practice, we also become safer

to ourselves.

The nervous system is always scanning
the environment.

It's always asking, "Am I safe?
Am I okay?"

But in my practice, I've discovered that
actually my environment in general,

it's very safe.

Of course, in a monastery
it's a very safe place.

But even when I go out to the airport,
to this country or that country,

this shopping mall, all those places.

Actually, the environment is generally
quite safe, thankfully.

But it's my negative thoughts that make
me unsafe to myself and others.

My negative views full of discrimination
and preferences, full of blame,

of prejudice that makes me unsafe
to myself and others.

My negative speech, harsh, unkind
towards myself and others

that makes it unsafe for me,
and for others.

Or my bodily actions, sometimes we get so
frustrated we hit ourselves,

we cut our own wrist,
we scratch our face,

from stress, from nervous energy
we hurt ourselves,

we make ourselves unsafe to ourselves.

And so when we practice the
Eightfold Noble Path,

the loving speech, the deep listening,
the kind embrace,

we become safe
and trustworthy to ourselves.

And that is a deep, deep happiness.

We become our own soulmate,
one who remembers, who knows,

who takes good care of,
who masters oneself.

That's the definition for 'soulmate'
in Vietnamese, 'tri kỷ'.

To remember, to know,

to take good care of,
to master, 'kỷ' oneself.

So my dear ones, be a soulmate
to the addiction that you may be having.

Get to know it.

Say hello to it.
It's been a friend too.

It's suffered along with you, too.

Be kind to it.
Learn from it.

Ask help from that addiction, that drug,
that modality that you've been using.

"I know you've helped me at some point,
but now we can find a different way.

Help me to heal,
help me to fully realize my potential

to live a meaningful life."

This young woman shared with me
she really wants to heal,

to do it right this time.

Her parents are growing old,
her young sister, she really wants

to be a good role model
for her young sister.

She's young herself,
she wants to do good in the world.

These are all the right motivations.

Remind yourself of your aspirations
and motivations,

remind yourself
of all the positive conditions

that are still there in your life.

And give yourself a chance,
again, and again, and again,

because, my dear ones,
we all deserve it.

We all deserve mercy.

We all deserve compassion.

We all deserve understanding.

And thus, we all deserve transformation
and healing.

(Offscreen) Beautiful, Sister. I have one
question. My father was a baker,

but he also was drinking.

We call it,
he was an alcoholic, as you say.

It's like a stigma.

Of course he was much more,
but that's what we saw and

that's what he was.

What would you say to...
I was 8 years old when my father

had to leave the house,
my mother couldn't take it anymore

and she had 5 boys, 5 kids,
I was the middle one.

At that time, at the age of 5, or 6, or 7,
or 8, I didn't have the means, the skills

to help my father.

What would you say to people surrounding
people with strong addictions

in whatever field, how to perceive them,
approach them, and help them?

When we are trapped in an addiction,
we become unsafe to ourselves

and often we become unsafe to others.

And so for those of us who are alcoholics,

addicted to alcohol or drugs,
pornography or sex, etc.

our children, the young people around us
in the family, they also witness that.

Our spouses may suffer a lot.

And more often than not, the children -
they also inherit our addiction.

There's a small factor of genetics,

some of us do have
an addictive personality.

It's easier for us
to get addicted to certain things.

But most of us, I believe,
use the drugs or the alcohol, etc.

more as a coping mechanism,
and then we develop tolerance

and addiction to it.

So how can we help

somebody who's in our family,
who has such severe addiction?

I think it's important as an adult
in that situation,

we try to protect ourselves
and also to protect the children,

so that the children don't have to suffer

right there and then,
and then also for the rest of their lives.

Sometimes we ourselves are also in denial
we don't want to talk to the person

who has the addiction,
out of anger, or shame, or denial.

We don't want to talk about it.

Or when we talk about it, we fight,
and we scream and yell, and blame.

And so that really doesn't help
solve the problem.

If we can get help from the community,
from friends

to see the bigger picture,
to offer this person help,

counseling, guidance, support groups, etc.
We can go through the process in a more

gentle, constructive way.

And really the one who has the addiction
already suffers a lot.

So if we can use loving speech and
deep listening,

it can be very supportive.

It may give that person hope,
and inspiration to try harder.

I still think it's important to remove
the children from this situation,

to have that choice.

Can you help protect our children,
or do you need to leave,

or should we leave
so that we can protect our children?

Too many of us become addicted
because one of our parents,

if not both of our parents,
were addicted.

And so the cycle of suffering
is repeated.

Or the children grow up with many other
problems, they may not have the addiction,

but they may develop other negative
coping mechanisms.

And so we need to protect the children.

And I must say that
we need a lot of help

all around us.

But in the end, it is ourselves who have
to get up and who have to do our best

to heal and transform ourselves.

We have to face ourselves,
to face our suffering,

and to seek a way out for ourselves.

Otherwise, our loved ones try so hard,
but they have their own limitation.

They're trying to survive, so in the end
they may get too frustrated,

they may speak unskillfully
out of frustration and pain,

and, or they may walk away from us.

So we have to be the ones
who stick with ourselves

through the thick and the thin, and try
to get up and find help for ourselves.

And for those of us family members,
we understand that we can only help

so much, we only can be responsible
so much.

We cannot change this person
if this person does not want to change,

does not yet see their problem,

or does not have enough inner
strength to do this.

So what we can help,actually,
is to give that love

to give that loving speech
and deep listening,

to say,
"I know you are suffering so much,

and I'm so sorry to see you suffer,
I'm so sorry I cannot help you.

But I love you.

And I wish you find a way out."

That actually may help save the person,
your love.

I have a young brother who's three and
a half years younger than me.

We grew up together, we came to the US
together, I suffered depression,

he suffered depression, he was suicidal,
I was suicidal, too.

But I thought of my brother,
and I didn't want to do anything

to my life that would cause him to just
be left alone in this world.

And you know he did the same thing
for me too.

He told me there were times
where he had the gun by his temple,

but he thought of me.

He didn't want to leave me all alone
in this world,

because our parents
had already passed away.

So he actually saved himself for me.

Sometimes, like, we cannot save ourselves
because of the suffering,

it's too deep, or the habit is too deep.

But, we can save ourselves
for those we love,

and sometimes it works.

And my brother, I spent a lot of money
on him when I was in college.

At some point I actually calculated,
I spent more than $50,000 on him.

That was 20-something years ago.

And I was only a college student.

And this money I had was just from my
scholarships and work, you know.

And simple lifestyle.

I didn't spend money on anything,
but on my brother mainly.

But I also learned
not to say harsh things to him,

I never said, "I gave you all this money!"

No, I didn't.
I just cry and I told him,

"I just want you to be happy, honey.
I just want you to be safe."

I wrote so many poems about his death,
because I thought one day

I would just find out he died, you know.
In a motorcycle accident, at a party,

or just from suicide, you know?

But I loved him so much.
I kept telling him,

all I wanted was for him
to be safe, to be happy.

And I stuck with him,
all these years.

I didn't expect him
to go to college like me,

to be a doctor like me,

I just wanted him to be safe
and to be happy.

And he's okay now.

He works so hard.

It breaks my heart sometimes to see how
hard he works because he didn't have

a degree, an education, so he does
manual labor, you know.

He does like construction work and
he builds things, but he's very creative.

He has an incredible mind.

He thinks of something,
he designs something, and he makes it.

And I'm just proud of him.

And more than anything, I'm so happy,
because he's safe.

And now,

he takes good care of his daughter,

he's there for his wife, his family,
he's still alive!

And that's my greatest happiness.

And you can also do the same thing for
yourselves and your loved ones, too.

Just give them your love the most you can,
and give that love yourself,

and get up, and do the best you can,
and that's all you can ask for yourself.

Just do the best you can, my dear.
And you are enough.

Okay.
You are more than enough.

(Offscreen) Thank you so much,
dear Sister

for being there for yourself,
for your brother,

and for my father,
who is not alive anymore,

but as many people
like my father out there

who will be comforted
and helped by your sharing today.

(birds chirping)