Russell Peters Outsourced part 1

Russell Peters Outsourced part 1
Stand-up comedy show

♪ Ladies and gentlemen,

♪ ladies and gentlemen,

♪ please, if you say that,

♪ gentlemen.
My man,

[MIXED]
Russell Peters!

♪ Yeah, brothers know his name.

Here he is, guys! Russell Peters!

[HOUSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

All right.

How you doing? All right.

All right, look at you,
you filthy downloaders.

Look at this audience, man.

Everybody. This is cool, man.

Everybody.

We got- clearly we got
some Asians in the house. That's-

I saw all
the Honda Civics in the parking lot.

I knew you were here.

I thought they were shooting
Fast and The Furious Part 3 or something.

Oh, man, and the brown bastards.
Look at you, huh?

All right.

There's a lot of closed motels in town
right now, I tell you that. There's-

White people, how you doing?
White folks, good to see you.

All right, a white guy with a brown girl.

Good job, buddy, huh?

Her parents must be so happy.

Ha ha.

There's a brown man
with a white woman.

Nice, see? Balance.

That's what I'm talking about.
He's living the American dream.

Or at least the Indian dream.

[INDIAN ACCENT]
"If I go to America and I get white woman,"

"I'm ahead of the game."

Latinos in the house?
Where the Latinos at?

All right, all six of you.

Good. All right.

I don't know how the hell we're in California, only six Latinos showed up.

And black people?

You clap again. Look at that, hey.

You got both.
You're black and Latino.

Your credit must suck.

You're... I just can't...

Oh, man.

It's funny, when I say 'Asian,'

especially in America,
when I say 'Asian,'

people automatically
picture in their head,

[IMITATES CHINESE MUSIC]

Which is messed up
because India is part of Asia,

and we don't get the same credit.

When I say 'Asian'
people don't go...

[IMITATES INDIAN MUSIC]

We're Asian too, man.

When God was making Asians,
he made two types of Asians.

And you guys
got first choice on looks.

And you fucked us on the deal.

"Yeah, well, we'll take eyes."

"You guys can have noses and hair."

My people are greedy,

"We heard two! We got two!
That's a good deal, two!"

"Noses and hair!"

We didn't know it was gonna be
big noses and body hair.

That's a shit deal!

We're a hairy race of people, man.

It's hot as hell in India,
and we're hairy.

Who the hell came up with that deal?

I think the God
that was making Indian people

was having some sort of
practical joke with all the other Gods.

He was like "Hey, guys,
come here and watch this. Watch this."

"Buddha, put down the drink.
Come here. Come here."

"Ok, look."

"I'm going to take these people here."

"And put them
in the hottest place in the world."

"And just for fun,"

"I'll cover them with hair."

It's hot and we're hairy.

Men and women.

Indian girls getting mad,
pulling down their sleeves,

"I hate this son of a bitch!"

It's OK nowadays
that chicks have hair,

Nowadays chicks can take care of it,
you know what I mean?

Chicks have hair they don't want
nowadays, they can get rid of it.

All kinds of hair removing methods as,

There's waxing, there's electrolysis,
there's threading, there's...

laser hair removal.

They have hair they don't want now,
[IMITATES ELECTROLYSIS]

It's gone!

They're removing it
from their assholes now.

How hairy were
your assholes before this?

You know
they used to do in the 80s,

when chicks have hair they didn't want?

They used to bleach it.

"Sweetheart, we don't have a problem
with the color of your mustache."

"It's not like
the blond goatie looks better."

And the Asians are not hairy at all.

Full head of hair on their head,
and nothing on their body.

Very rarely do you see a bald Asian.

Well, unless they shave it off,
you know what I mean? But-

Oh, man.

When I say 'Asian,' you know
what's funny? When I say 'Asian,'

people automatically think Chinese.

People go
"Chinese, yes, Asians, Chinese."

"That's all they are.
All the Asians are Chinese."

(CROWD YELLS "OOOH")

Look at them,
yelling out their last name.

So proud, that's cool. But, uh...

But it's funny.

People do think
all Asians are Chinese.

That's what they think.
"All Asians are Chinese."

"They all speak Chinese, look Chinese.
That's what they are, that's what they do."

That's not the case.

There's so many
different types of Asians.

You know what I mean?

Sure, you may not be able
to tell right away,

by looking at Asian people,

You could take an educated guess.

Sometimes certain things stand out,

and you go "Oh, I know
what kind of Asian you are."

But if you really want to learn the differences between different Asian groups,

you can tell by when they speak English.
That's how you can tell.

Now, just to get a feel
for the Asians that are in the room tonight,

Um, do we have any
Vietnamese people here tonight?

Vietnamese people?

All right, like one guy
hiding upstairs too.

[IMITATES VIETNAMESE]
Tou mah!

Any Koreans in the house?
Koreans in the house?

All right, that's
two closed dry cleaners.

Nice. That's-

Filipinos?

Oh, yeah, I see you right there.

I knew you guys were
Filipino right away

'cause you keep staring at the microphone,

like there's gonna be
karaoke after the show.

I can see it too.

"I hope this Bombay
hurries up with the show please, 'cause..."

"I want to get up there and sing."

[IMITATES TAGALOG]
"Utahkeenah, hurry!"

And Chinese people,
where you at? Chinese folks?

Nice. That's good, man.

You can tell by when
Asian groups are speaking English.

That's how you can tell
where they're from.

I'll give you an example.

Vietnamese people,

you can tell when
they're speaking English,

you can tell they're Vietnamese
'cause when they speak English,

they speak it really fast.

Like they know it.

But they end up
speaking English so fast,

that it ends up sounding like
Vietnamese all over again.

I got cussed out
by this Vietnamese guy,

this what he says to me, he goes,

[IMITATES VIETNAMESE ACCENT]
"Fuck you, ok, you fucking blow job!"

He called me a fucking blow job.

Have you ever
been called a blow job before?

Do you realize if
somebody calls you a blow job,

there is not one good comeback...

There's nothing you can say
that will sound cool.

"You fucking blow job!"

"Yeah?"

"So are you."

That's why I like different cultures,
you know.

Different cultures,

different words mean
different things to them in English,

and in their language are,
you know what I mean?

Like, I'm from Toronto.

In Toronto there's
a Vietnamese restaurant,

called Pho Phuc Lai.

P, H, O, P, H, U, C,

L, A, I.

Pho Phuc Lai.

I used to call them when I was a kid,

just to have the guy
answer the phone, you know.

"Pho Phuc Lai."

"Ha ha ha!"

Pho Phuc Lai.

Doesn't it sound like
a whole new level of lying?

"Hey, don't lie!
That's a pho phuc lai!"

"You fucking blow job!"

You can tell when
Koreans are speaking English,

'cause when Korean people speak English,

they sound like they're out of breath.

Like they just ran a marathon.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

"You don't..."

"...make any jokes..."

"...about..."

"...the Koreans."

[IMITATES ASTHMA INHALER]

I know how to count to six in Korean.

Not impressive, but it beats, you know,

learning how to swear in
somebody's language, know what I mean?

When we get mad, the first thing you do
when you learn somebody's language,

we learn how to curse, right?

When we get mad at people
when they come here,

and the first thing they learn
is how to swear at you.

I mean, we're like, "Oh, that's so ignorant."

Did you hear me walk into a store going
"Hello, motherfucker."

That's what he learned,
you know what I mean?

I learned how to count to six,
it's not impressive, but...

I learned... and I'm not being a dick,

I really did learn how to count to six
from my dry cleaner.

I did. I will drop my shirts off,

and then she'll count them,
and I'll count along with her.

So I learned, right? I did it.

So, here I count to six. Ready?

"Uhrana."

"Shura."

"Sureeah."

"Uurah."

"Haibah."

"Shexah!"

Shexah?

"Are you Jewish?"

You can tell when
Chinese people are speaking English

When Chinese people speak English,

it sounds like they're
chopping vegetables with the words.

You know what I mean?

[IMITATES CHINESE ACCENT]
"You don't go nowhere quick!"

"Don't say nothing bad!"

"Don't say nothing what?"

"Bad."

How did you just make
a short word even shorter?

I learned about the cultures
'cause I travel around, know what I mean?

I did shows in Vietnam a few years ago.

I had a good time in Vietnam.
Vietnam is a great place.

Hot as shit! Hot as hell in Vietnam.

Like, when an Indian guy
tells you it's hot,

trust me, it was hot!

Good place. Nice people.

I didn't know until I went to Vietnam,

that you can actually use a scooter,

as a minivan.

I didn't know.

You will see
an entire family on a scooter.

Like, dad will sit here, right,

on the little piece of seat.

And a small child will sit there.

And then another
small child will stand in front.

And then mom will sit off
to the side at the back like that.

And then another kid
will sit off to the side this way.

And one more kid will face that way.

And there'll be
three kids doing back flips

while he's driving on the street.

When you saw that here,

that'll be stuffs you see
like at the circus,

"Do not attempt to do this at home,"

"these are professional stunt drivers."

And there will be six white guys
and they'll be driving real careful.

In Vietnam, it's the entire family.

Dad's weaving in and out of traffic.
[IMITATES HONKING SOUND]

Mom's on the back, eating.
[IMITATES HONKING SOUND]

Good place, Vietnam. I did-

And if there's
any other reason to go to Vietnam,

I'll tell you what it is. For their money.

The money in Vietnam is dope.
Do you know what it's called?

Dong.

That's the name of their money.

Dong.

It's worth going there

just to have a woman
you don't know walk up and go

"Excuse me, sir."

"Could you give me some dong?"

"Yes, I can."

"Would you like some schlong
with that dong? Would you..."

I love that term 'schlong.'

Doesn't it sound gross?

White guys came up
with that term for sure, right?

"Hey, dude, there I was,"

"as I whipped up my schlong."

'Schlong.'

Sounds wet.

I don't even have schlong.

You know, I got a schlurt.

I got uh...

Hey, dude, the show's up here, okay?

"I'm not a piece of meat."

Went to China last year, mainland.

Chinese people
where are you? Right there?

You're over there?

You're over here too. Look at that.

- You Chinese too, bro?
- Yeah.

Yeah? You looked upset about that.

"You Chinese too?"
He was like, "Yeah..."

"I try to do this a lot,
but it doesn't work."

"Now I'm a Porish."

What's you name, Chinese guy?

I'm Vincent.

Vincent, that's what I thought
when I looked at you, I was like,

That guy there is Vincent.

Do you have
a Chinese name as well, Vincent?

Yeah.

What is it, Vincent?

Uh, Liung Ay Hyung.

Oh, slow down, hammer.
I'm not Chinese, you know what I mean?