Louis CK "Chewed Up" - Part 5 of 6

Louis CK stand up comedian

And you can't even enjoy being a parent because there's no pride in it because we suck at it. Everybody sucks.

We make huge mistakes and then you just go, "whoops, permanent damage there, move on I guess."

My 5 year old has all these twitches and weird fears and I'm like, "good luck with that shit honey, that's all my handiwork"

"Sorry"

And it get's harder too, you think it's gonna get easier. When they're babies you think that's the hard part 'cause you gotta do everything.

You gotta feed them, you gotta put their clothes on, you gotta put them in the car, you gotta do everything.

But you think it's gonna get easier because they're gonna grow up and do all this shit for themselves, but they're not.

They're gonna grow up and be able to, but they fucking won't do it.

So it's actually easier when they're babies 'cause when you want them to eat you just take food and shove it in their face.

If you gotta put on a shoe you just take a foot and put the shoe on it.

Just pull her arms through the sweater.

Throw her in the car and kick the door closed.

And then you get the. Parent live for the tiny vacations from their kids, like when you put your kids in the car and you close their door and that little walk around to your own door.

It's like a Carnival cruise, it's just the greatest.

[relief] and you just stand at your door like, "Okay fuck that was bad, what'd I say? That shit was bad. Okay [exhales] oh hey everybody"

I was changing my daughter the other day, and she's too old for diapers now, but she's still in them and it's bad because this kid does not poop, this kid craps.

This is not okay anymore. I was changing her diaper the other day, it was like a 48 year old alcoholic man's shit in her diaper.

Like she was out all night drinking Jager

She went to Denny's and got a grand slam

Ate half of it, got into a fight in the parking lot.

Passed out in a pontiac and shit herself.

Her friends drove her home with the windows open and dumped her on my lawn

And now I gotta clean it and it's crazy, and you can't even react and go like, "What the fuck, that's disgusting!" You'll fuck 'em up about their own shit, you gotta be nice.

You open her diaper and it's just chaos in there, it's just bananas, it's just..

Every new shit amazes me, every one I'm like, "Okay wow, wha-what is that? You have been eating diarrhea for a week I think. 'Cause that's awful."

But you can't, you gotta be like, "Oh.. wow, you really got something there honey, that's really something. That's really okay, well let me scrap that off your knees for you."

"Just down off your back, let's get all this hazmat all in one place. Wipe you down, clean your tiny vagina in the end."

Who knew that THAT was gonna be my life. I had no idea that my relationship to the vagina was gonna be cleaning shit out of a tiny one several times a day.

They don't tell you that.

When you're getting ready to be a dad, nobody pulls you aside and says "You know you're gonna have to clean the vagina a lot because everytime she takes a shit it goes straight up her twat."

They don't tell you that.

Nobody tells you

And they should, it's a big part in being a dad. It's bigger than christmas, it happens everyday.

You gotta get it right, front to back. It's very important.

I'm glad I got girls though, girls are great, I don't want to clean shit off of some kid's balls. I'm glad that's not my job.

Boys, I feel weird about them. I have nephews and they play in the sprinkler naked with their little red dicks and I just don't like their little penises, it bothers me.

I just get this weird feeling like they're gonna come over and fuck my nose or something with their little dicks.

I know it's an irrational fear but it's very real to me.

I'm gonna fall asleep in a lawn chair and wake up like, "Fuck what are you doing? You're fucking my nose.."

"Neheee" "Fuck get out of there! Control your kids would ya? They're fucking my nose when I'm sleeping"

Boys are hard to raise, all my sisters have boys and I just feel for them 'cause it's really hard and really do.

Here's the thing though, girls are just as hard to raise but on a whole other level, they're different.

Here's the difference for me between boys and girls.

Boys fuck things up... Girls are fucked up.

That's the difference.

Boys just do damage to your house, that you can measure in dollars like a hurricane.

Girls like leave scars in your psyche that you find later like a genocide or atrocity.

Like my sister-in-law came over once with her little boy, he's like 4 years old and she's been with him all day so she's in bad shape.

She's got a drink and she's like, "I can't, I can't do it anymore, I can't do it."

And I put like an army blanket around her trying to calm her down.

And then her little boy walks up to her.

He's got a handful of sand, I don't know where he got it, there's no sand in my home.

He's got a handful of it, walks up to his mom and just throws it right in her drink.

It's all she had, and he just ruined it.

Really confident too, not like this, he was like, "Yeah this shit goes right there."

And I was blown away by this because I have girls, they wouldnt even dream of doing that. It wouldn't even enter their heads that a person could do that.

But they're fucked up.

Like my 5 year old the other day, one of her toys broke. And she demanded that I break her sister's toy to make it fair.

And I did.

That's how much shit she gave me, I broke the little toy and I felt awful I was like crying.

And I look at her and she's got this creepy smile on her face.

That's the difference between boys and girls, and it becomes the difference between men and women really

Because a man will like, steal your car, or burn your house down, or beat the shit outta you.

But a women will ruin your fucking life.

Do you see the difference?

Like a man will cut your arm off and throw it in a river, but he'll leave you as a human being intact.

He won't fuck with who you are. Women are non-violent but they will shit inside of your heart.

My wife and I we've been married now for about 9 years now, so we're almost done.

After 9 years and 2 kids you start looking at eachother like, "No. We're not gonna just keep doing this, who would do that?"

We went to therapy for a while and the therapist is like, "You should go on a date." and I'm like, "Fuck you."

And I did go on a date with my wife and I don't think I'm gonna call her again. It wasn't really fun.

Somethings do get easier as you've been married for a while, you start to understand eachother better and you start looking at yourself more.

You spend a lot of your marriage looking at the other person and trying to change them or figure them out and then you start realizing what you're bringing to the table

And you blame them less for shit, y'know? Like my wife will never fuck me again I know that now.

I just feel differently about it, I used to get mad like, "She hasn't fucked me in months, how could she do that to me?"

Now I look at myself and I'm like, "How did she fuck me for years?!" She fucked me for years!

She couldn't possibly have enjoyed most of those fucks. Which means she took about 500 for the team. You gotta respect that shit.

'Cause it's hard for women to have sex if they don't feel like it, it's not a skill they have generally.

Men have it, that's just different, we have different sexual skills.

Men can fuck whatever, we don't care. We'll fuck you even if we don't like you, everybody knows that.

But, we'll fuck you even if we don't feel like fucking you. Even if we're not hard we'll be like, "I'll fuck you, give me a second, I'll find a way." We don't care, we'll fuck THINGS. We'll fuck a rusty keyhole nailed to a donkey's ass, we don't give a shit.