The Essence of Friendship Is Equality

<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

(Questioner) I want to thank you
for your helpful Dharma Talks.

(Sunim) Sure.

(Questioner) My question is, when I'm with
my friends and talk to them,

there is a lack of reaction,
which brings the mood down.

Then, the conversation gets boring.

I try hard to get along,
but the more I try,

the more timid
and withdrawn I get.

Now, instead of going out
to meet people,

I prefer spending time
alone at home.

The more I try to talk with people,
I feel more intimidated and uncomfortable.

I don't know how to fix this,
or how to shift my perspective.

That's my concern.

(Sunim) Why do you
feel intimidated?

(Questioner) It's just...

When they seem unimpressed,
I feel like they don't care about me.

Thoughts like, "Why bother?"
I feel deflated and insignificant.

(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged
according to other's reactions?

(Questioner) Yes.

(Sunim) But they don't have
any obligation to respond.

(Questioner) That's true,
but if I have an intent

but don't get the expected reaction,
then I feel...

(Sunim) Isn't that normal?
(Questioner) Yes, I agree.

(Sunim) If you think that is normal,
you shouldn't feel discouraged.

Rather, it seems you expect,
"If I speak, you should respond."

You are feeling discouraged
when that expectation isn't met.

Whether to respond or not,
is their choice.

If you don't expect anything,
there's no need to feel discouraged.

Speak your piece
and be done.

They are not required
to show reactions.

If you have to force enthusiasm
from your friends,

they are not true friends.

That is not a good way
to build friendships.

(Questioner) I find myself separated
from the rest of the group

while they're talking
and enjoying themselves.

(Sunim) Why is that
leaving you out?

I have a friend who hardly talks.

Whenever we're together,
he stays quiet but smiles.

He just complies here
and there with a smile.

He mingles with
the group very well.

You either want to be
a leader in control,

or desire to be the most popular
person in the group.

That is not friendship.

True friends have fun, listen, laugh,
and sympathize with each other.

Why does friendship need so much talking?
Why do you want to talk so much?

Why do you feel the need to
take the lead amongst friends?

(Questioner) It's not so much that,
but, how can I say this...

be the life of the party?

(Sunim) Why should you be
the center of the party?

(Audience Laughter)

(Sunim) Trying to be the life
of the party means you want

to have the control of your
get togethers, it's the same,

Only difference is you
are mixing in some English.

(Audience Laughter)

You have to let go of that desire.
Amongst friends, you should not

have to practice or think of
what to say before you meet.

Do you? If you have
something to say, say it.

Or you can listen to
others and smile.

Between friends, one does
not have to lead.

Seeking to lead, control, or
gain popularity, friendships suffer.

Friendship is about equality,
that's what friendship is.

Not drinking doesn't make you
any less of a friend.

It's a lie to say otherwise
to a drinking buddy.

Even if you don't touch a drop,
as long as you're paying for it,

they're happy, right?
(Audience laughter)

You can go to those gatherings
anytime and pay for the drinks

without having to drink yourself.

But thinking that
not being able to drink

makes someone a bad friend
is completely wrong.

Just as there are friends
who smoke even if you don't.

There used to be
many who smoked.

If someone wants to smoke
and you don't mind,

you can light their cigarette
for them without smoking yourself.

The questioner has
the wrong mindset.

Friendship should be
based on equality.

The essence of friendship
is equality.

Whether you're a senator
or holding a high position,

flaunting wealth or status to
friends breeds resentment.

Friendship is rooted in equality,
so letting go of such notions

would resolve any issues.
It's unnecessary to sulk alone

in a corner all day.
If you don't feel like speaking,

simply make eye
contact and stay silent.

Always nodding along
and speaking if asked.

Is this difficult to do?

(Questioner) You're right, thank you.

(Sunim) Sure.
(Audience Applause)