The Essence of Friendship Is Equality

<Essence of Friendship Is Equality>

(Questioner) I want to thank you
for your helpful Dharma Talks.

My question is about reactions
from my friends when I talk.

Whenever I talk, there is a
lack of reactions and, in turn,

mood of the gathering gets
subdued and feels boring.

I try my best to get by, but
the more I try, the more

I get timid and withdrawn.

Instead of going out to meet
people right now,

I prefer to spend time
alone at home.

The more I try to talk with people,
I feel more withdrawn inside.

I don't know how to go
about this.

That's my concern right now
and the question for you.

(Sunim) Why do you
feel withdrawn?

(Questioner) Just happens...
When the response gets tepid,

I feel like they are indifferent
to whatever I am saying.

And I think, "Why am I doing this?"
I feel deflated and insignificant.

(Sunim) So, you feel discouraged
according to people's reactions?

(Questioner) Yes.

(Sunim) But they don't have
any obligation to respond.

(Questioner) They don't.
But if they don't react

as I expected, then
I feel dispirited.

(Sunim) Isn't it normal?
(Questioner) Yes, I agree.

(Sunim) If you think that is normal,
you shouldn't feel discouraged.

But rather you expect,
"If I speak, you should respond."

If that expectation isn't met,
then you feel discouraged.

Whether to respond or not,
is their choice.

If you don't expect,
no need to feel discouraged.

Speak your piece
and be done.

They are not required
to show reactions.

If you have to force energetic
reactions out of friends,

those are not
true friends and

that is not a good way
to build friendships.

(Questioner) I find myself
separated from the rest of the

people while others
are enjoying themselves.

(Sunim) Why? I have a
friend who hardly talks.

Whenever we're together,
he stays quiet but smiles.

He just says yes here
and there with smile,

and mingles with
the group very well.

You either want to be
a leader in control,

or desire to be the most popular
person in the group.

That is not being a friend.
You let your friends have

fun, listen, agree and
smile, that's a friend.

That's all you need to do.
Why do you want to talk so much?

What reason is there to always
take the lead amongst friends?

(Questioner) Not so much the
leadership but more of

a life of the party....

(Sunim) Why should you be
the center of the party?

(Audience Laughter)

(Sunim) Trying to be the life
of the party means you want

to have the control of your
get togethers, it's the same,

Only difference is you
are mixing in some English.

(Audience Laughter)

You have to let go of that desire.
Amongst friends, you should not

have to practice or think of
what to say before you meet.

Do you? If you have
something to say, say it.

Or you can listen to
others and smile.

Between friends, one does
not have to lead.

Seeking to lead, control, or
gain popularity, friendships suffer.

Friendship is about equality,
that's what friendship is.

Not drinking doesn't make you
any less of a friend.

It's a lie to say otherwise
to a drinking buddy.

Even if you don't touch a drop,
as long as you're paying for it,

they're happy, right?
(Audience laughter)

You can go to those gatherings
anytime and pay for the drinks

without having to drink yourself.

But thinking that
not being able to drink

makes someone a bad friend
is completely wrong.

Just as there are friends
who smoke even if you don't.

There used to be
many who smoked.

If someone wants to smoke
and you don't mind,

you can light their cigarette
for them without smoking yourself.

The questioner has
the wrong mindset.

Friendship should be
based on equality.

The essence of friendship
is equality.

Whether you're a senator
or holding a high position,

flaunting wealth or status to
friends breeds resentment.

Friendship is rooted in equality,
so letting go of such notions

would resolve any issues.
It's unnecessary to sulk alone

all day or constantly nod along.
If you don't feel like speaking,

simply make eye
contact and stay silent.

Always nodding along
and speaking if asked.

Is this difficult to do?

(Questioner) You're right, thank you.

(Sunim) Sure.
(Audience Applause)