What Is Emotional Incest? [CC English & Español] | Kati Morton

- Hey everybody, happy Thursday.

Now today's question is another good one.

But before we jump into that,
are you new to my channel?

Welcome.

I am a licensed therapist talking about

all things mental health.

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Hi Katy, can you make a
video about emotional incest?

You know, how to recognize it?

What to do?

How it can feel, et cetera?

Of course I can.

Thanks for asking.

And as always I wanna
begin by defining the term,

emotional incest, because
just the term itself

makes it sound like sexual
abuse kind of, right?

But it's not sexual at all.

Emotional incest is when
a parent doesn't have

any healthy boundary between
themselves and their child.

They rely on their child
for emotional support

and treat them like a
partner instead of a child.

Meaning they may cry to their child

about their divorce or break up.

Even sharing sexually explicit details

with their child, treating
them like a friend,

or even a spouse.

And this can be a huge burden on a child.

And it can make us feel
pressure to, you know,

have to fix whatever is
going on with our parent.

In a perfect world, a child would be free

to be a child and to
socialize with other children.

In an emotionally incestual relationship,

a child often feels guilty if they leave

their parent at home
or knows just how much

the parent needs them so they won't engage

in after school activities.

Now obviously this can
appear in many variations.

But, overall just know that the child

isn't able to form healthy
and happy relationships

with those around them and
can be emotionally manipulated

by the parent.

Because think about it, if
I'm so worried that my mom

is gonna be upset and,
if I don't come home,

or she's so sad when I'm not there,

she's so lonely, that I don't
do any after school stuff,

I don't play any sports that I like,

I don't try out for that play
I've really been wanting to,

or try to get into that
band because the practices

are after school, if,
if we restrict ourselves

as a child that way we're
being manipulated, right?

Our behaviors aren't of our own volition.

They're controlled by the parent.

And children should be
free to do what they want.

They should be able to participate

in after school activities.

Or school activities.

Some parents who are emotionally incestual

with their children will
often try to homeschool them

just so they have more control

and have them around more.

Now I could go on and on about this topic

because I find it so fascinating

and also so important for us to talk about

so that it doesn't keep happening to us

or those around us, but let's
get into the question itself.

This person asked how to
recognize emotional incest.

Now if your parent is sharing things that,

as a child, you shouldn't know,
that's your first red flag.

Now I know that that may be
hard for you to recognize.

That seems kind of broad.

But ask your friends.

That's a way to test it.

Ask the people that you see at school

and see what their
parents share with them.

Also, notice if you're
allowed to have friends.

Or if you're made to feel guilty

when you would rather
spend time with them.

Because it's normal for children to want

to see their friends over their parents,

especially when we're teenagers.

It's part of that boundary
pushing developmental

stage that we're at.

So it's very normal for us to be like,

no mom, I don't wanna go
with you to that thing.

I'm gonna go out with my friends.

That's just kind of part
of, part of how it is

and how it should be.

And a healthy parental relationship
will involve discipline.

You know where you may get grounded.

Or you might be forced to
spend time with family.

Like, it's a birthday
dinner for your sister.

Oh.

Or, you know, you have
like a family reunion

or something like that.

That's all normal.

But other than that, you
should feel free to socialize

after school and on weekends with friends.

I mean as long as your homework's done

and you've done your chores you,

you should be able to go.

It shouldn't be an always no thing.

Or sure leave me, oh.

And they cry.

That's part of the manipulation

that I want you to just be aware of.

Another sign is if you feel responsible

for your parent's emotional struggle.

Meaning you feel you have to fix it.

Or work something out for them.

This is not the role of a child.

Okay?

Unless you need to apologize
for something that you did

because we can all hurt people's feelings

and do things that are wrong,

but other than that you're not responsible

for the emotional
wellbeing of your parent.

That's the role of their therapist,

spouse, boyfriend, girlfriend, or,

even more importantly, themselves.

We are all responsible for ourselves

and our own emotional wellbeing.

We can't lean completely on other people.

Especially not our children.

Our children should be free to develop

their own emotional
awareness and connectivity

with other kids and other
people in their lives.

And we should be there to support

and guide and love them.

Now the next portion of the question

is about how it can feel.

And to be honest, it can feel odd.

Really uncomfortable at first.

And then the guilt that we
may feel can be debilitating.

But overall, if this has been happening

since we were really, really young,

we might not even notice by the
time we're a teen let's say.

We might get so used to it happening

that we don't even recognize
it as weird anymore.

But there can still be things
that a parent will share

that could creep us out.

Or make us not want to
continue the conversation.

Like, for example, if
your mother is the one

doing this to you, she
may try to share how upset

she is that her boyfriend
broke up with her.

In doing so she can cry, you know,

she might tell you how often they had sex,

and then she found out he was
sleeping with another person.

No matter how long this emotional
incest has been going on,

you should still and most
probably will be creeped out

by this or upset at the very least.

And that's why I describe emotional incest

as feeling uncomfortable.

Yet, filled with constant guilt.

Now let's finish by talking
about how to heal from it.

And the first thing we can do

set up boundaries. And I
know I talk about this a lot.

And many of you don't
really understand boundaries

or I know that they're
very, very difficult

to put in place and to uphold.

But we have to learn
kind of where they are.

The first stage in setting up boundaries

is when do we feel uncomfortable?

Is it when our parent talks about sex?

Or talks about their
romantic relationships?

Maybe that's that icky
uncomfortable creep feeling,

that comes out when they
talk about those topics.

So if that's the case,

those are the things
that we're gonna first

have our boundary up about.

If that parent begins to talk about it

we can say, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

I just don't wanna hear about that.

Please stop or I'm just,

I'm gonna have to go with my friends.

I just don't wanna hear.

So we're holding it up
that that's not okay.

We should probably say,

I don't like it when
you talk about x, y, z,

so they know what it is.

And then we can offer to remove ourselves.

Because we know that they want us there.

And I know this can sound
like the reverse manipulation

but we're really just like
teaching them this is a boundary.

If you don't adhere to it,

I'm not gonna talk to you.

Because that's the truth.

That's what boundaries are for.

And so as we kind of get
more and more comfortable

placing boundaries up
around things we're okay

with someone talking to us about

and things we're not,
the better it will get

and the, the easier it will be, okay.

And we'll start to feel
a little bit of levity.

Maybe a little bit happier.

A little better because
we have more space.

And the boundaries can slowly move out.

I don't want you to think you
have to throw out boundaries

and then that's just what it is.

That's what makes them hard.

That's what, why I think
a lot of people are like,

oh, I can't do that.

But we can start little by little.

Certain things aren't okay.

I would prefer to do it this way.

Just make sure we're communicating them.

We're not just shutting down.

Telling them, nope, and walking away.

We have to communicate like,

I don't like hearing about that.

It's really upsetting or
it's really uncomfortable.

If they try to fight you on it,

that's when you can say, you know what,

I'm just gonna have to walk away.

I don't wanna talk about this.

And those are, that's how you
set up boundaries healthfully.

So, I have a bunch of
videos about boundaries.

You can just search Katy Morton
boundaries if you want more.

But let's move on to the next one.

And my next tip is get outside support.

Build up your support system
outside of your parent.

That might be starting to join that band

you've always wanted to join at school.

Or starting that sport or
trying out for something.

Or joining that art club.

Anything.

We need to start building up supports.

It could be if we already go to church,

we join the youth group.

It could be, if we have
a really good friend,

we spend more time at their house.

And we get to know some
of their other friends

and their other friend groups.

We need to start branching out.

So that you're reminded each and every day

that you're not alone.

And that the parent isn't
the only person in your life,

nor should they be.

And we need to be around other people

who have more healthy
interactions with their parents

so that we can see what's normal.

And that can also be helpful

when we're setting up boundaries.

We can look at it and be like,

oh, their mom, oh, that's
why I don't like it

when my mom does that.

Okay. And then we can
kind of learn from it.

It can be a really,
really great thing to see

so that we can learn from the things

that are going right in their lives.

At the time, get some extra support.

And number three, see a
therapist or join a group.

We know when we've been

in an emotionally incestual relationship

there's gonna be a lot we're
gonna have to process through.

And things we're gonna have to like,

tell our therapist and
be like, is that normal?

Am I crazy?

We're gonna need some of that validation.

Some understanding.

And therapy is a really,
really safe place,

and even group therapy,

that's why I added that in there,

is that those can be safe places

to learn about it, process
through what happened,

so that we can begin to heal.

And my fourth tip,

get out of you can.

If you're still living with this parent,

save your money.

Get a job where you just
work a couple hours a week

and start saving it.

See if you can stay with a friend

or another family member.

Please get out of that situation.

You are not responsible for that parent.

They are responsible for themselves.

And if they can't adhere to boundaries

and they don't, they won't
allow for a healthy relationship

to be cultivated, you have to get out

so that you can heal.

And my fifth and final tip,
and it's not even really a tip,

it's just a comment kind of is,

know that it will be painful and hard,

but that it will be worth it.

This is totally a process, not perfection.

Trying to leave a parent that has been

so dependent on us can be really hard.

And it can make us feel like a bad child.

A bad daughter, a bad son,
and we're just a bad person.

But that's not what's happening.

So just be patient with yourself.

And be understanding that the
relationship that you have

and that dynamic isn't healthy.

And it's not okay.

And if they won't work with you,

which in my experience most
incestuous parents do not,

but some can, right.

It's never hard and fast.

It's not just 100% don't.

There could be a parent that would.

And so, at least open up into that

and then be aware that
they may not be able

to have a healthy relationship with you.

And that could be painful.

And there may be a lot of
grieving that you have to do.

I've talked about grief a lot,

and how I think that we're all grieving

at different times in our lives.

And this might be one
of those times for you.

But just keep with it.

Keep reaching out, keep speaking up,

keep trying, saving your
money so you can get out

because it can and will get better.

Thank you so much for watching.

I hope you found that helpful.

As always share in those
comments down below.

How are the ways that you've healed?

Or what signs and symptoms
did you experience

to let you know that that
was what was going on?

Please let me know in
those comments down below.

And I will see you next time.

Bye.