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Please disregard any random cuts,
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it was all intentional.
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Don’t look too closely.
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Please welcome your host, Sextus!
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You may recognize him from Ecce Romani,
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where he was an annoying little ****.
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Thank you, thank you…
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We all die with stories to tell,
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but some get to share theirs
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from beyond the grave.
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Join us at “Talk Tuah Trojan”
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and experience the lives
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of ancient heroes from the hit poem
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“The Aeneid.”
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You've all seen snakes before,
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but you'll never get a closer look
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than our first guest:
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the man who went toe to toe with a snake,
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and lost immediately!
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It's the one, the only,
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skeptic of the horse
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the Unbelieved: Ecce, Laocoon!
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Thank you for having me
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Before we get into the good stuff,
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we first need some background on this
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3,000 year old guest.
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If you don’t mind,
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I’d like to ask you about the moments
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that were documented right before
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your tragic death.
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So I was reading Book 2 and was captivated
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your battle with the fearsome Twin Snakes.
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Can you tell me more about that?
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Well I was terrified when the snakes
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swallowed both of my sons and I tried
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to kill the snakes. I was un-successful
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and it cost me my life. I live with regret
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and sorrow, I tried to avenge those
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who fought my children with my
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bare hands. I have failed.
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Well we are deeply saddened by
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your loss, but as they always say,
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through hardship to the stars,
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and to confront your regrets we have
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brought the snakes here today.
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Wait wait, what did you just say?
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LADIES AND GENTLEMEN
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PLEASE MAKE A WARM WELCOME
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TO THE ONE, THE NOT ONLY, TWIN SNAKES
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So Mr. Snakes, we wanted to get your
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side of the story, why did you attack
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Laocoon and his kids?
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Well, thank you for having me, Sextus,
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I was merely a soldier in a time of war.
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I was sent by the gods to dispose
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of Laocoon. Laocoon, while a good dude,
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he was trying to stop the Trojan horse,
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he was one of the only people
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talking bad about it so, I aint with that.
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So i had to like, basically kill him,
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I didn't want to kill him, but the gods
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forced me to seek him out.
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I was so possessed, my eyes became red,
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there not even that red right now,
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like would you say there red now?
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see im a chill guy.
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And as I was like consuming the boy's,
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you know, miserable limbs with a bite,
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i felt awful, but the gods wanted me to,
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like their just kids!
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Don’t talk about my boys like that
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you stupid snake!
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First of all, offended, and second of all,
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(Unintelligible) I'm innocent!
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As for me eating you, Laocoon,
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it was the same, I didn't want to man,
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but the gods made me,
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you know how it is, your a priest!
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You know, maybe I can see
where you're coming from
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Im so sorry, i was so ashamed of myself
that I sought the temple of savage Athena
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and cried.
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My whole life I had wished I had
done more than just obey the gods,
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make my own choices, have free will.
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At the end of all of this,
I finally understand.
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I still dislike you,
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but as a priest I can relate to feeling
pressured by the gods to do something.
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Well would you look at that folks!
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Some of the most fated
mythological enemies
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have just resolved their differences
right in front of our eyes!
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WOAH Now THATS what I call method acting!
It's like I'm actually in the book!
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The snakes are binding him with
huge coils and now are wrapping
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around the scaly backs on the neck
and overpower with the head,
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Laocoon acted just like a sacred
bull fleeing from the altar mooing.
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Hold on, I had a speech I prepared
for right after I killed that guy,
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that was my whole plan this whole time.
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Alright, Necessities are for the weak,
in this world, only the strong,
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or the weak backed by the strong survive.
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May Laocoon's death be in vain,
and glory to Athena! Long live, Greek.
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This talk show is sponsored by SPQR,
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please remain a responsible citizen
and don’t question the state.
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Sorry about that everyone,
we’ll be sure to get that mess cleaned up.
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Anyways folks,
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that was a quick interview with
Laocoon and the gemini angues
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for anyone just tuning in now.
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Laocoon was a Trojan and a non-believer
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in the Wooden Horse presented as a
gift by the Greeks.
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He tried to warn them,
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but to no avail as he got eaten by snakes
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due to a demonstration of poor fate
and the gods’ power.
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Speaking of the Trojan Horse,
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you’ve probably wondered what could
make the Trojans so foolishly susceptible
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to such a mediocre trick-
-A giant wooden horse?
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Really?
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Even with the treacherous skill of Sinon,
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It's A Giant Hollow Box From
The Beast like Greeks,
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YOU DON'T THINK THERE COULD BE
SOMETHING IN THERE?! Stupid Trojans!
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Well, to answer this question please
WELCOME CASSANDRA AND SINON!
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Thank you for having me, but like in the
future, you know im a prophet?
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im pretty sure your past is going to come
back to haunt you,
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im sorry, I had to tell you.
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Ecce, she thinks she can
predict the future!
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what a fool, you would try to tell me
my own fate, do you think yourself a god?!
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I mean...
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Thank you for having me Sextus,
you're the goat for real for real.
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So, Sinon...
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Yo what up S-money-madness?
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You were on the Greek side of the war,
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how did you convince the Trojans
to accept this gift?
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Yeah so I pretty much gaslit them into
thinking the horse wasn't a trap,
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they fell for it so easy! just my
trickery and treacherous skill at work!
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I totally captured them with
tricks and tears…
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But my job in this fight
was to be the sacrifice,
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my friends were gonna leave me
behind while Troy burned,
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as they plundered without me…
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But I think it was a worthy role to play,
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and plus I got to see that lameo
Laocoon get eaten by snakes
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so that was pretty cool!
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Don’t you feel sad that your
crew sent out to sacrifice you?
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Well, a little…
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I mean it kinda hurts to be
abandoned by the entire army like that…
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abandoned…
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ULYSSES ABANDONED ME
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Wow, now that’s a story…
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And Cassandra,
you claim to know the future don't you,
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why didn't you warn them of the trick?
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I DID! Why wont anyone listen to me?
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Its like I have a curse or something,
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oh wait I do have a curse, but aaghh,
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I told them that the horse was bad,
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but you see,
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they still thought it was good
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it was, ohhh my god,
everyone died, because,
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do you know how hard that is?
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Knowing that you have the ability
to save everyone, but no one listens?
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And then they all die? do you feel me?
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do you feel me?
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(ramblings of a mad woman)
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Like, no one ever listens to me,
like people, my favorite food,
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the wont even believe what my
favorite food is,
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my favorite food is disgusting slop,
no one ever believes me,
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that that's the real thing!
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Theres no way that's true.
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(starts tweaking)
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You know, back when I started this,
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I though the Trojan horse was a bad thing,
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but after you've said so,
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it might actually have been good for troy.
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(crashing out) It wasn't a good thing
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! (Unintelligible ramblings)
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And then I was like attacked all alone,
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all I wanted was a savior,
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like that coroebus guy...
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Are you ok?
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Yo Cassandra, trust me,
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nobody wants you, you’re chopped.
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IM NEVER OK, IM NEVER OK, IM NEVER OK,
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Everyone thinks im lying
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when im really telling the truth!
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No one ever believes me!
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This talk show is sponsored by SPQR,
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please remain a responsible citizen and
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Do Not question the state.
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Sorry for that interruption,
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Why do all my interviews
end with disasters?
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Anyways, next on the Talk Tua Trojan show,
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please give a warm welcome
to the star of the show…
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AENEAS, AND THE SON OF ACHILLES: PYRRHUS!
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Wow.
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Anyway, Aeneas, you had the grand idea
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to go against your cousin,
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Hector's VERY clear instructions
to run away.
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Tell me about your thought process there.
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Well, Sextus, I have this thing I do
where I don’t listen to ominous warnings
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and tend to ignore everyone else and just
do what I want, I’m a prince after all!
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Even if the ominous warning was
from your mutilated dead cousin?
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Well yes, because you see, my TRUE
destiny was to found the Roman race
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and NOT die in that burning hellscape
(that I love)
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I had to do everything in my power
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to save my family since they were
going to run away with me,
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and all the Trojan citizens, but in the
end I only managed to save myself…
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But you know something else crazy,
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The shade of Creusa herself
appeared to me;
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I stood gobsmacked, but man do I miss her.
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Damn bro that sucks, FOR YOU!
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I pressed on with the strength of
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my father and burst through the doorway,
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slaughtered your entire bloodline,
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and brought fame to my father’s lineage,
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I MYSELF BROKE THROUGH THE THRESHOLD
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AND TORE THE BRONZE DOOR FROM THEIR HINGES
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I pillaged your entire city
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without a second thought
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, I own you!!! TAKE THAT!
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Are you sure? Nobody really likes you...
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WHAT?? THAT’S ABSURD!
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I am the son of the
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Greatest Greek Hero Himself:
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ACHILLES. And why are you laughing?!
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You’ll never be as goated as your father;
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moving on back to Aeneas.
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When you and your remaining gang were
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surrounded by three different sides
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(inaudible)
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It was scary being surrounded
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on all sides,
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but I was prepared to give it my all.
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I was willing to do everything
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to defend Troy.
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It also appears to have been a blunder
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that you dressed up as the Greek soldiers,
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because now the Trojans were
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Overwhelming you from the lofty tops
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because of the mistaken
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image of the armor.
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This also seemed to be unhonorable,
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how do you respond to that?
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Alas! There is no faith for anyone
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to trust in unknowing gods!
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also it was the Greeks that deceived
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us first so not that dishonorable.
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As for our own men attacking us,
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we felt [Title Card], so we didn't expect
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anything like that to happen.
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As you said earlier; most likely a blunder,
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but in the heat of the moment
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it was all we could think about.
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OH ALSO, THAT STUPID COROEBUS GUY
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WAS ANOTHER REASON WHY,
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I don’t understand his obsession
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with Cassandra
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(personally I don’t think she’s all that),
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but if he hadn’t threw himself into
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the middle of the battle line
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AND BLEW OUR ******* COVER,
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then MAYBE things would’ve been different.
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God I hate that guy.
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DAMN THAT SUCKS
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Wait
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Pyrrhus, I think I see someone
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way more important than you...
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OMG IT’S MY MAGISTER
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FROM BACK WHEN I WAS A KID.
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COME BACK HERE SEXTUS
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YOU NEED TO RECITE THE AENEID.
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WAIT WAIT WAIT, I think I remember now.
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Ok, recite the lines where
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Pyruus was storming the castle.
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Uhhhh...
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That’s all folks!
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Be sure to tune in next time for
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Emperor Nero: Benevolent or Thumb Fiddler?