Talk Tuah Trojan

Please disregard any random cuts, it was all intentional. Don’t look too closely.
Please welcome your host, Sextus! You may recognize him from Ecce Romani, where he was an annoying little ****.
Thank you, thank you… We all die with stories to tell, but some get to share theirs from beyond the grave. Join us at “Talk Tuah Trojan” and experience the lives of ancient heroes from the hit poem “The Aeneid.”
You've all seen snakes before, but you'll never get a closer look than our first guest: the man who went toe to toe with a snake, and lost immediately! It's the one, the only, skeptic of the horse, the Unbelieved: Ecce, Laocoon!
Thank you for having me
Before we get into the good stuff, we first need some background on this 3,000 year old guest. If you don’t mind, I’d like to ask you about the moments that were documented right before your tragic death.
So I was reading Book 2 and was captivated by your battle with the fearsome Twin Snakes. Can you tell me more about that?
Well I was terrified when the snakes swallowed both of my sons and I tried to kill the snakes. I was un-successful and it cost me my life. I live with regret and sorrow, I tried to avenge those who fought my children with my bare hands. I have failed.
Well we are deeply saddened by your loss, but as they always say, through hardship to the stars, and to confront your regrets we have brought the snakes here today.
Wait wait, what did you just say?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN PLEASE MAKE A WARM WELCOME TO THE ONE, THE NOT ONLY, TWIN SNAKES
So Mr. Snakes, we wanted to get your side of the story, why did you attack Laocoon and his kids?
Well, thank you for having me, Sextus, I was merely a soldier in a time of war. I was sent by the gods to dispose of Laocoon. Laocoon, while a good dude, he was trying to stop the Trojan horse, he was one of the only people talking bad about it so, I aint with that. So i had to like, basically kill him, I didn't want to kill him, but the gods forced me to seek him out. I was so possessed, my eyes became red, there not even that red right now, like would you say there red now? see im a chill guy. And as I was like consuming the boy's, you know, miserable limbs with a bite, i felt awful, but the gods wanted me to, like their just kids!
Don’t talk about my boys like that you stupid snake!
First of all, offended, and second of all, (Unintelligible) I'm innocent! As for me eating you, Laocoon, it was the same, I didn't want to man, but the gods made me, you know how it is, your a priest!
You know, maybe I can see where you're coming from
Im so sorry, i was so ashamed of myself that I sought the temple of savage Athena and cried. My whole life I had wished I had done more than just obey the gods, make my own choices, have free will.
At the end of all of this, I finally understand. I still dislike you, but as a priest I can relate to feeling pressured by the gods to do something.
Well would you look at that folks! Some of the most fated mythological enemies have just resolved their differences right in front of our eyes!
WOAH Now THAT’S what I call method acting! It's like I'm actually in the book! The snakes are binding him with huge coils and now are wrapping around the scaly backs on the neck and overpower with the head, Laocoon acted just like a sacred bull fleeing from the altar mooing.
Hold on, I had a speech I prepared for right after I killed that guy, that was my whole plan this whole time. Alright, Necessities are for the weak, in this world, only the strong, or the weak backed by the strong survive. May Laocoon's death be in vain, and glory to Athena! Long live, Greek.
This talk show is sponsored by SPQR, please remain a responsible citizen and don’t question the state.
Sorry about that everyone, we’ll be sure to get that mess cleaned up.
Anyways folks, that was a quick interview with Laocoon and the gemini angues for anyone just tuning in now. Laocoon was a Trojan and a non-believer in the Wooden Horse presented as a gift by the Greeks. He tried to warn them, but to no avail as he got eaten by snakes due to a demonstration of poor fate and the gods’ power.
Speaking of the Trojan Horse, you’ve probably wondered what could make the Trojans so foolishly susceptible to such a mediocre trick--A giant wooden horse? Really? Even with the treacherous skill of Sinon, It's A Giant Hollow Box From The Beast Like Greeks, YOU DON'T THINK THERE COULD BE SOMETHING IN THERE?! Stupid Trojans!
Well, to answer this question please WELCOME CASSANDRA AND SINON!
Thank you for having me, but like in the future, you know im a prophet? im pretty sure your past is going to come back to haunt you, Im sorry, I had to tell you.
Ecce, she thinks she can predict the future! what a fool, you would try to tell me my own fate, do you think yourself a god?!
I mean...
Thank you for having me Sextus, you're the goat for real for real.
So, Sinon...
Yo what up S-money-madness?
You were on the Greek side of the war, how did you convince the Trojans to accept this gift?
Yeah so I pretty much gaslit them into thinking the horse wasn't a trap, they fell for it so easy! just my trickery and treacherous skill at work! I totally captured them with tricks and tears…
But my job in this fight was to be the sacrifice, my friends were gonna leave me behind while Troy burned, as they plundered without me…
But I think it was a worthy role to play, and plus I got to see that lameo Laocoon get eaten by snakes so that was pretty cool!
Don’t you feel sad that your crew sent out to sacrifice you?
Well, a little… I mean it kinda hurts to be abandoned by the entire army like that… abandoned… ULYSSES ABANDONED ME
Wow, now that’s a story…
And Cassandra, you claim to know the future don't you, why didn't you warn them of the trick?
I DID! Why wont anyone listen to me? Its like I have a curse or something, oh wait I do have a curse, but aaghh, I told them that the horse was bad, but you see, they still thought it was good (and why would they believe someone like you?) it was, ohhh my god, everyone died, because, do you know how hard that is? Knowing that you have the ability to save everyone, but no one listens? And then they all die? do you feel me? do you feel me? (ramblings of a mad woman)
Like, no one ever listens to me, like people, my favorite food, the wont even believe what my favorite food is, my favorite food is disgusting slop, no one ever believes me, that that's the real thing!
Theres no way that's true.
(starts tweaking)
You know, back when I started this, I though the Trojan horse was a bad thing, but after you've said so, it might actually have been good for troy.
(crashing out) It wasn't a good thing! (Unintelligible ramblings)
And then I was like attacked all alone, all I wanted was a savior, like that coroebus guy...
Are you ok?
Yo Cassandra, trust me, nobody wants you, you’re chopped.
IM NEVER OK, IM NEVER OK, IM NEVER OK, Everyone thinks im lying when im really telling the truth! No one ever believes me!
This talk show is sponsored by SPQR, please remain a responsible citizen and Do Not question the state.
Sorry for that interruption, Why do all my interviews end with disasters?
Anyways, next on the Talk Tua Trojan show, please give a warm welcome to the star of the show… AENEAS, AND THE SON OF ACHILLES: PYRRHUS!
Wow. Anyway, Aeneas, you had the grand idea to go against your cousin, Hector's VERY clear instructions to run away. Tell me about your thought process there.
Well, Sextus, I have this thing I do where I don’t listen to ominous warnings and I tend to ignore everyone else and just do what I want, I’m a prince after all!
Even if the ominous warning was from your mutilated dead cousin?
Well yes, because you see, my TRUE destiny was to found the Roman race and NOT die in that burning hellscape (that I love) I had to do everything in my power to save my family since they were going to run away with me, and all the Trojan citizens, but in the end I only managed to save myself…
But you know something else crazy, The shade of Creusa herself appeared to me; I stood gobsmacked, but man do I miss her.
Damn bro that sucks, FOR YOU! I pressed on with the strength of my father and burst through the doorway, slaughtered your entire bloodline, and brought fame to my father’s lineage, I MYSELF BROKE THROUGH THE THRESHOLD AND TORE THE BRONZE DOOR FROM THEIR HINGES I pillaged your entire city without a second thought, I own you!!! TAKE THAT!
Are you sure? Nobody really likes you...
WHAT?? THAT’S ABSURD! I am the son of the Greatest Greek Hero Himself: ACHILLES. And why are you laughing?!
You’ll never be as goated as your father; moving on back to Aeneas. When you and your remaining gang were surrounded by three different sides, (inaudible)
It was scary being surrounded on all sides, but I was prepared to give it my all. I was willing to do everything to defend Troy.
It also appears to have been a blunder that you dressed up as the Greek soldiers, because now the Trojans were Overwhelming you from the lofty tops because of the mistaken image of the armor. This also seemed to be unhonorable, how do you respond to that?
Alas! There is no faith for anyone to trust in unknowing gods! also it was the Greeks that deceived us first so not that dishonorable. As for our own men attacking us, we felt [Title Card], so we didn't expect anything like that to happen. As you said earlier; most likely a blunder, but in the heat of the moment it was all we could think about.
OH ALSO, THAT STUPID COROEBUS GUY WAS ANOTHER REASON WHY, I don’t understand his obsession with Cassandra (personally I don’t think she’s all that), but if he hadn’t threw himself into the middle of the battle line AND BLEW OUR ******* COVER, then MAYBE things would’ve been different. God I hate that guy.
DAMN THAT SUCKS
Wait
Pyrrhus, I think I see someone way more important than you...
OMG IT’S MY MAGISTER FROM BACK WHEN I WAS A KID.
COME BACK HERE SEXTUS YOU NEED TO RECITE THE AENEID.
WAIT WAIT WAIT, I think I remember now.
Ok, recite the lines where Pyruus was storming the castle.
Uhhhh...
That’s all folks! Be sure to tune in next time for Emperor Nero: Benevolent or Thumb Fiddler?