Talk Tuah Trojan

Please disregard any random cuts,

it was all intentional.

Don’t look too closely.

Please welcome your host, Sextus!

You may recognize him from Ecce Romani,

where he was an annoying little ****.

Thank you, thank you…

We all die with stories to tell,

but some get to share theirs

from beyond the grave.

Join us at “Talk Tuah Trojan”

and experience the lives

of ancient heroes from the hit poem

“The Aeneid.”

You've all seen snakes before,

but you'll never get a closer look

than our first guest:

the man who went toe to toe with a snake,

and lost immediately!

It's the one, the only,

skeptic of the horse

the Unbelieved: Ecce, Laocoon!

Thank you for having me

Before we get into the good stuff,

we first need some background on this

3,000 year old guest.

If you don’t mind,

I’d like to ask you about the moments

that were documented right before

your tragic death.

So I was reading Book 2 and was captivated

your battle with the fearsome Twin Snakes.

Can you tell me more about that?

Well I was terrified when the snakes

swallowed both of my sons and I tried

to kill the snakes. I was un-successful

and it cost me my life. I live with regret

and sorrow, I tried to avenge those

who fought my children with my

bare hands. I have failed.

Well we are deeply saddened by

your loss, but as they always say,

through hardship to the stars,

and to confront your regrets we have

brought the snakes here today.

Wait wait, what did you just say?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN

PLEASE MAKE A WARM WELCOME

TO THE ONE, THE NOT ONLY, TWIN SNAKES

So Mr. Snakes, we wanted to get your

side of the story, why did you attack

Laocoon and his kids?

Well, thank you for having me, Sextus,

I was merely a soldier in a time of war.

I was sent by the gods to dispose

of Laocoon. Laocoon, while a good dude,

he was trying to stop the Trojan horse,

he was one of the only people

talking bad about it so, I aint with that.

So i had to like, basically kill him,

I didn't want to kill him, but the gods

forced me to seek him out.

I was so possessed, my eyes became red,

there not even that red right now,

like would you say there red now?

see im a chill guy.

And as I was like consuming the boy's,

you know, miserable limbs with a bite,

i felt awful, but the gods wanted me to,

like their just kids!

Don’t talk about my boys like that

you stupid snake!

First of all, offended, and second of all,

(Unintelligible) I'm innocent!

As for me eating you, Laocoon,

it was the same, I didn't want to man,

but the gods made me,

you know how it is, your a priest!

You know, maybe I can see
where you're coming from

Im so sorry, i was so ashamed of myself
that I sought the temple of savage Athena

and cried.

My whole life I had wished I had
done more than just obey the gods,

make my own choices, have free will.

At the end of all of this,
I finally understand.

I still dislike you,

but as a priest I can relate to feeling
pressured by the gods to do something.

Well would you look at that folks!

Some of the most fated
mythological enemies

have just resolved their differences
right in front of our eyes!

WOAH Now THATS what I call method acting!
It's like I'm actually in the book!

The snakes are binding him with
huge coils and now are wrapping

around the scaly backs on the neck
and overpower with the head,

Laocoon acted just like a sacred
bull fleeing from the altar mooing.

Hold on, I had a speech I prepared
for right after I killed that guy,

that was my whole plan this whole time.

Alright, Necessities are for the weak,
in this world, only the strong,

or the weak backed by the strong survive.

May Laocoon's death be in vain,
and glory to Athena! Long live, Greek.

Sorry about that everyone,
we’ll be sure to get that mess cleaned up.

Anyways folks,

that was a quick interview with
Laocoon and the gemini angues

Laocoon was a Trojan and a non-believer

in the Wooden Horse presented as a
gift by the Greeks.

He tried to warn them,

but to no avail as he got eaten by snakes

due to a demonstration of poor fate
and the gods’ power.

Speaking of the Trojan Horse,

you’ve probably wondered what could
make the Trojans so foolishly susceptible

to such a mediocre trick-
-A giant wooden horse?

Really?

Even with the treacherous skill of Sinon,

It's A Giant Hollow Box From
The Beast like Greeks,

YOU DON'T THINK THERE COULD BE
SOMETHING IN THERE?! Stupid Trojans!

Well, to answer this question please
WELCOME CASSANDRA AND SINON!

Thank you for having me, but like in the
future, you know im a prophet?

im pretty sure your past is going to come
back to haunt you,

im sorry, I had to tell you.

Ecce, she thinks she can
predict the future!

what a fool, you would try to tell me
my own fate, do you think yourself a god?!

I mean...

Thank you for having me Sextus,
you're the goat for real for real.

So, Sinon...

Yo what up S-money-madness?

You were on the Greek side of the war,

how did you convince the Trojans
to accept this gift?

Yeah so I pretty much gaslit them into
thinking the horse wasn't a trap,

they fell for it so easy! just my
trickery and treacherous skill at work!

I totally captured them with
tricks and tears…

But my job in this fight
was to be the sacrifice,

my friends were gonna leave me
behind while Troy burned,

as they plundered without me…

But I think it was a worthy role to play,

and plus I got to see that lameo
Laocoon get eaten by snakes

so that was pretty cool!

Don’t you feel sad that your
crew sent out to sacrifice you?

Well, a little…

I mean it kinda hurts to be
abandoned by the entire army like that…

abandoned…

ULYSSES ABANDONED ME

Wow, now that’s a story…

And Cassandra,
you claim to know the future don't you,

why didn't you warn them of the trick?

I DID! Why wont anyone listen to me?

Its like I have a curse or something,

oh wait I do have a curse, but aaghh,

I told them that the horse was bad,

but you see,

they still thought it was good

it was, ohhh my god,
everyone died, because,

do you know how hard that is?

Knowing that you have the ability
to save everyone, but no one listens?

And then they all die? do you feel me?

do you feel me?

(ramblings of a mad woman)

Like, no one ever listens to me,
like people, my favorite food,

the wont even believe what my
favorite food is,

my favorite food is disgusting slop,
no one ever believes me,

that that's the real thing!

Theres no way that's true.

(starts tweaking)

You know, back when I started this,

I though the Trojan horse was a bad thing,

but after you've said so,

it might actually have been good for troy.

(crashing out) It wasn't a good thing

(Unintelligible ramblings)

And then I was like attacked all alone,

all I wanted was a savior,

like that coroebus guy...

Are you ok?

Yo Cassandra, trust me,

nobody wants you, you’re chopped.

IM NEVER OK, IM NEVER OK, IM NEVER OK,

Everyone thinks im lying

when im really telling the truth!

No one ever believes me!

This talk show is sponsored by SPQR,

please remain a responsible citizen and

Do Not question the state.

Sorry for that interruption,

Why do all my interviews
end with disasters?

Anyways, next on the Talk Tua Trojan show,

please give a warm welcome
to the star of the show…

AENEAS,

AND THE SON OF ACHILLES: PYRRHUS!

Wow.

Anyway, Aeneas, you had the grand idea

to go against your cousin,

Hector's VERY clear instructions
to run away.

Tell me about your thought process there.

Well, Sextus, I have this thing I do
where I don’t listen to ominous warnings

and tend to ignore everyone else and just
do what I want, I’m a prince after all!

Even if the ominous warning was
from your mutilated dead cousin?

Well yes, because you see, my TRUE
destiny was to found the Roman race

and NOT die in that burning hellscape
(that I love)

I had to do everything in my power

to save my family since they were
going to run away with me,

and all the Trojan citizens, but in the
end I only managed to save myself…

But you know something else crazy,

The shade of Creusa herself
appeared to me;

I stood gobsmacked, but man do I miss her.

Damn bro that sucks, FOR YOU!

I pressed on with the strength of

my father and burst through the doorway,

slaughtered your entire bloodline,

and brought fame to my father’s lineage,

I MYSELF BROKE THROUGH THE THRESHOLD

AND TORE THE BRONZE DOOR FROM THEIR HINGES

I pillaged your entire city

without a second thought

, I own you!!! TAKE THAT!

Are you sure? Nobody really likes you...

WHAT?? THAT’S ABSURD!

I am the son of the

Greatest Greek Hero Himself:

ACHILLES. And why are you laughing?!

You’ll never be as goated as your father;

moving on back to Aeneas.

When you and your remaining gang were

surrounded by three different sides

(inaudible)

It was scary being surrounded

on all sides,

but I was prepared to give it my all.

I was willing to do everything

to defend Troy.

It also appears to have been a blunder

that you dressed up as the Greek soldiers,

because now the Trojans were

Overwhelming you from the lofty tops

because of the mistaken

image of the armor.

This also seemed to be unhonorable,

how do you respond to that?

Alas! There is no faith for anyone

to trust in unknowing gods!

also it was the Greeks that deceived

us first so not that dishonorable.

As for our own men attacking us,

we felt [Title Card], so we didn't expect

anything like that to happen.

As you said earlier, most likely a blunder

but in the heat of the moment

it was all we could think about.

OH ALSO, THAT STUPID COROEBUS GUY

WAS ANOTHER REASON WHY,

I don’t understand his obsession

with Cassandra

(personally I don’t think she’s all that),

but if he hadn’t threw himself into

the middle of the battle line

AND BLEW OUR ******* COVER,

then MAYBE things would’ve been different.

DAMN THAT SUCKS

Wait

Pyrrhus I think I see someone

way more important than you

OMG IT’S MY MAGISTER

FROM BACK WHEN I WAS A KID.

COME BACK HERE SEXTUS

YOU NEED TO RECITE THE AENEID.

WAIT WAIT WAIT, I think I remember now.

Ok, recite the lines where

Pyruus was storming the castle.

Uhhhh...

That’s all folks!

Be sure to tune in next time for

Emperor Nero: Benevolent or Thumb Fiddler?