Befriend your Strong Emotions | with Sister Dang Nghiem

Dear Friends

I know you are there
and I'm very happy

As I was closing my eyes and

followed my breathing

I silently told myself

I love you so.

I love you so.

And I saw myself as a child

wandering on the streets of Saigon

feeling quite sad.

I saw myself standing by the bridge

thinking of dark thoughts.

I saw myself coming to this country

as a teenager

with a small handbag on one hand

and a younger brother on the other hand

holding him.

And a thought arose in me:
"You have come a long way."

I love you so.

Thank you for all the efforts
you've made in life

so that you can still be here

Before I came to the practice

I didn't know how to take care
of my strong emotions

so I remember as a child

I already experienced a lot of trauma

from the sexual abuse

from the verbal abuse

from being an immigration child
in Vietnam

so I was quite depressed

of course I didn't call it depression

and in Vietnamese I didn't even know

that there was such a word
called depression.

We just say "sad."

But I used to wander
on the streets alot

and I would make up
songs about my life

and those songs were quite sad.

I remember I would sing
and then cry.

I even sang to my brother and
both of us cried.

Or I would . . . we had
many bridges in Saigon

So every time I stood
on a bridge or

rode a bicycle on a bridge

the thought of suicide

would arise in my mind.

That was so rehearsed in me

since a young age that as I
grew into a teenager

it became worsened.

And in college, in medical school

whenever I had a difficulty

in life, in relationships

my thought immediately went to

it was like a default

it would go to,
Why do I live?

What's the meaning of this life?

I might as well just check out.

So there were times, most of the time

I didn't want to die

but suicidal thought would come up

as the first choice for me.

So, that's how I became a practitioner

and realized that it had become

a habit, a personality for me.

So, slowly I learned to breathe with it

and to tell myself

I am dying everyday, I don't
have to wish for death.

The body goes through

changes every moment.

My skin cells slough off,

hair falls off, everything is changing.

So the question is not
whether to die or to live

the question is
How am I living?

And how am I dying?

Can I live beautifully?

Can I die beautifully, each moment?

So that helped change my attitude

and the way I approached
my sadness

and I see that as I practiced

the four kinds of nutriments
more diligently, more positively

slowly and now I don't
experience strong emotions that often.

I'm quite steady and stable

in my way of being

and when a sadness arises

of course things that are
unpleasant still happen

but I don't react so strongly

so the frequency and the intensity
of strong emotion

is definitely reduced a lot.

But also how I respond to them
so they don't last for long.

Because instead of

blaming on the external circumstance

I learned to come back to myself

and breathe and tell myself,
"I choose peace,

I choose harmony within myself."

I don't want to cause further
damage to myself.

So whatever happened already

I don't have to explode.

I can just come back and
care for myself first.

And when I'm calm
I can go ask the person

what they meant when
they said that or when they did that

or I may have enough understanding

from within that I don't even
need the clarification or verification.

I can just let it go.

So that's a choice.
And it's a wonderful choice.

All of us go through strong emotions

whether it's sadness

anger,

insecurity,

jealousy,

self-doubt

regret, yearning

etcetera.

We all have them.

Some emotions are stronger than others.

At certain times in our life

it also depends on our personality

how we express our emotions

Over the years as a spiritual practitioner

I've learned to regard emotions

first of all, as a wave.

Emotions,

they can also be regarded

as a storm, or

as a food, a nutriment.

As a habit

as an addiction.

So I'll go over them

in that light

so that we can

gain a deeper understanding

into our emotions.

Emotions as a wave

The moment we experience an emotion

we may not even be aware of it.

Like when you are angry

and somebody says,
You are angry.

And you may say, I'm not angry

Or somebody says, Are you sad?

Is something wrong?

You say, I'm not sad,
there's nothing wrong.

Sometimes a emotion has passed

and looking back a day later

sometimes a week, sometimes a year

sometimes years later

that we realize what we were experiencing

So, we look at a wave

It doesn't start at a peak

and it does not end
at this trough.

And emotion starts long ago

underneath the surface of an ocean

the undercurrent, so many the conditions

the previous waves push the water

so that it builds up into this one wave

or one tsunami

and it manifests

and it comes down

but it is also the basis
for another wave.

It also helps build up another wave.

So when we see an
emotion is a wave in that way

we know we're not caught

when it's full-blown

when it has quieted down.

But we learn to take care of it

at every point along the wave.

And I like to see that when we
practice mindfulness

we learn to embrace our emotion

we are like a surfer

instead of riding on the wave forward

we actually learn to ride
on the wave backward.

To look at it after it has passed.

And to learn which conditions

that have helped build
this particular wave or tsunami

How it affected our body

The tension, the fatigue

the flare of a skin problem

some physical health
or mental problems

some insomnia, for example.

So we look at the effects
that that particular emotion

just had on our body.
on our thoughts, on our speech

and we slowly go backward
on it and identify

when it was full-blown,
how did it affect me

in those moments?

What thoughts did I have

What speech did I use

and which kind of bodily actions,
movement, tension did I have?

So we learn to go backward
on that wave

and slowly to identify

the underlying causes and conditions

that triggered that particular wave.

Maybe somebody had said something that

triggered a feeling of insecurity in us

triggered a memory of our childhood

of something pleasant or painful

Maybe it was a sight

a sound

even a smell.

A word, a touch.

A touch can also trigger

a pleasant or unpleasant

painful memory experience.

A thought can definitely
trigger an emotion.

And so we learn to be aware

We can be depressed

for so many years

and yet we know very little

about that particular emotion

and how it affects us

in terms of our body, our mind

in terms of how it affects
our habits and behaviors

In the same spirit we can also look at

an emotion as a storm.

Again, a storm will build up

to have a cyclone for example,

in one area, let's say in Florida

or in California.

When we have a rainstorm

we know that it started somewhere.

Even in the East Coast or

further up north of California

or further down south.

And it comes up, and so

in the storm we also learn about

the eye of the storm.

When houses and cars
are flying in the air,

very heavy rain, water is rising

so many things that happen.

But there is the eye of the storm.

There is an area in
the middle of the storm.

It may be even 20 miles radius

that is actually quiet and calm

and little to no effect
of the storm takes place

in the eye of the storm.

So we can also

look deeply into
our emotion as a storm.

How it has built up,
the conditions, the causes

that brought about a storm

and we can see how
we are swept away by the storm

by our thoughts, by our speech,
by our bodily actions.

Also the external environment,
the presence of others

Certain people, certain ways

help us to be calmer.

Certain people, certain ways

trigger us to feel, to be lost,

to lose our control.

And so we look and we see.

Are there times that we can be

in the eye of the storm.

Are there ways that we can practice

so that we can be safe

in the eye of the storm
instead of being swept away.

Being injured and then injure others.

Emotions can also be
regarded as a food.

As a nutriment.

The Buddha said, "Nothing
can survive without food."

How has the depression come to be?

How has the anger come to be?

How has the insecurity,
the jealousy, the self-doubt,

the suspicion come to be?

How have we fed this
emotion, these emotions

intentionally, often it's unintentionally.

Unconsciously

Again we learn that

a half-life of an emotion hormone

is only 69 seconds.

69 seconds and that
dose of hormone

has only half the quantity left
in our bloodstream.

So it shouldn't have much
of an effect on us after 69 seconds.

And yet, how can we be so depressed

for days, for months.

How can we be angry and resentful

our whole life?

Something is feeding this emotion.

And when we make time
to look deeply into ourselves

we'll discover, yes
I've been feeding my emotion

with my negative thinking

with my negative views

with my hurtful speech

with my violent, unkind
harmful actions.

That's why my emotion has grown

over the years.

Has become

more bitter,

more angry, more depressed

more aloof, more withdrawn from life.

It takes a lot of courage

to look into ourselves,
into our habits

and to see things more clearly.

It's difficult,
it's challenging to do that.

But as we gain an understanding

of our own thoughts,
of our own emotions

we will change the way
we look at ourselves.

Instead of seeing ourselves as

victims of an external situation,
circumstance

instead of seeing ourselves
as a victim of an emotion

we become more proactive.
We see that we have a choice.

Do I want to feed this emotion?

Because, if I don't feed it,
it will not grow.

Do I want to build up this wave?

Do I want to fit in this storm

or do I want to choose peace?

Do I want to choose harmony

in myself, in my body, in my mind

in my relationship with myself

and with others.

And so we become much more proactive.

We learn different ways to

take better care of our emotions.

Emotions can also be regarded

as a habit.

Although most of us, if not all of us

will definitely say "we want to be happy"

But if again, if we look deeply

we will see that we often

side with our negative
emotions and thoughts.

We feed the negativity
with our daily consumption

through eyes, ears, nose,
mouth and body and thoughts.

And we are addicted

to these strong negative emotions.

Physiologically, that's all we know.
The body is used to it.

Psychologically, we identify
ourselves with these emotions.

"I am anger" not just "I am angry."

I am anger, I am sadness.

This sadness is mine, don't touch it.

You don't understand it.

You don't know.

You don't know me.

You don't know my sadness.

That's what I used to tell my friends.

And so I would isolate myself

and curl up with my sadness,
with my pain

instead of opening my heart to life

instead of getting help,

instead of choosing to be happy

to find ways to be happy.

So emotions are
very addictive habits.

And I treat all emotions
in a similar way

whichever it may be.

Sadness or anger, insecurity,
jealousy, etcetera.

We can take care of them
in a similar way.

First of all, we practice simple recognition

The mindful breathing
helps us a lot.

So let us try a sound of the bell.

This is a big bell in our
Ocean of Peace Meditation Hall.

You may have seen a smaller bell

with the same shape,
bowl shape, but small like this.

This is an inviter. It can be
just a stick, like this.

I will wake up the bell

and when I invite the sound of the bell

we can all come back to our breathing.

Befriending our inbreath as it is

and befriending our ourbreath as it is.

Befriending the breath,
smiling with the breath.

(Bell)

The sound of the bell
is a sine wave

and our breathing pattern
is also like a wave.

Inbreath

outbreath

inbreath

outbreath

We breath with these waves.

We learn to sit up as if
there's a string pulling gently

from our head, helping our spine

to be upright, relaxed.

We open our shoulders

we rest our palms on our knees or

just gently have our palms
holding one another, like this

Resting in our lap

We breath and smile.

Hello inbreath

hello outbreath

We breathe like that for a while.

Then, when we see an emotion

we will say, hello anger

I know you are there

Breathe with me

I'm breathing with you.

And as we breath out,
we relax that emotion.

We bring more spaciousness
into that emotion,

more relaxation.

In neuroscience, we
talk about neuromodulation

When we are in chronic tension

from having constant strong emotions

constant stress

or when we have PTSD,
Post-traumatic stress disorder

The nervous system is out of balance

The sympathetic nervous system

is activated all the time.

While the parasympathetic nervous system

is quieted down.

And so this one puts us on high alert,

high vigilance,

high tension.

Day and night the body is tense.

The thoughts are racing.

The heart is beating fast.

The respiratory rate is up.

So we're on constant

defense.

This is a stress response.

And it's very fatiguing.

Tiring, very energy consuming.

So, there is so much wisdom

in meditation.

Because as we sit upright

and yet relaxed in our body

As we listen to the sound of the bell

And the sound of our own breathing

we are bringing balance.

We calm down the
sympathetic nervous system.

The parasympathetic system now
is playing a more important role,

which is relaxation.

Calming.

We can only heal when the body and mind

are relaxed.

Are at ease.

When we feel safe.

And the energy goes to healing

goes to repair

goes to rest.

It goes to growth.

But if we are constantly
fighting from within

then all the energy will go to fighting

to running away

to withdrawing.

And there's no energy
for growth and healing.

So all of our mindfulness practices.

From listening to the bell

to listening to our breathing

to walking gently as in walking meditation

or in eating meditation

or in deep relaxation, when we lie down

every single mindfulness practice
that we do

There's the sound of the bell.
Let's enjoy it.

Do this when you hear your phone ringing

or another person's phone ringing

Just breathe and smile.

Just for a few inbreaths and outbreaths.

And that is the practice of
neuromodulation

Bringing back balance
to the autonomic nervous system

Every moment you can
help bring back the balance

So that your body and mind
are more at ease,

are more calm and relaxed.

The autonomic nervous system
is always scanning the environment

Am I safe, am I ok?

Is everything ok?

But in my practice
I learned that actually,

fortunately my environment
is very safe in the monastery

and many places that I go

the environment is actually
quite peaceful and safe.

The people around me are kind

It is my own internal system

that is not safe.

My own thoughts that
are not safe to myself.

My own internal dialogue
that is so negative and hurtful

that it makes it unsafe to myself.

My bodily actions may be
unsafe to myself when I'm not mindful

And so in that way

we need to love,
to be safe to ourselves.

Quiet down the nervous system,
come back and breathe.

So we feel calm and safe from within.

I have this wonderful drawing

from a friend from Europe

She drew this.

I usually talk about
learning to be our own soulmate.

In Vietnamese the word
soulmate is (Vietnamese)

(Vietnamese word) means to remember

to know, to take care of, to master.

T-R-I-K-E means, oneself.

So our soulmate is one who remembers

who knows, who takes
care of, who masters

herself, himself, themselves.

So, she drew this snake.

with it's tail wrapping around itself.

And said, "Be your own soulmate."

Isn't that wonderful?

Yes, our emotion can be like a snake

it can bite us.

In front, or from the back.

It can hurt us.

But our emotion is also
our own child.

That we have fed and taken care
of all these years.

That's why it has grown to be like that.

So we learn to befriend our own emotion.

To befriend the snake.

Wrap around it with our mindful breathing

with our smile

with our loving speech

Hello, sadness. I know you are there.

I'm here for you.

Hello, pain. You've been
there for a long time.

It's ok. I'm here for you.

And when you wrap your breath,

your relaxation, your love,
your tenderness around it

it will also relax

and will become more
spacious and at ease.

And that is to learn to be a soulmate

to our strong emotions

whether they are pleasant or unpleasant.

Don't grasp one and push away the other.

Learn to treat them with tenderness
and equanimity

and you'll see miracles happen.

Be your own soulmate.

To your breathing

know your breathing pattern

because you breath differently
with different emotions.

So when you are aware of your breathing

it tells you what kind of emotion,
state of mind that you are in.

Do you know that the
mind cannot think without a body?

The brain cannot act
without a body.

So when you think of a thought,
let's say, "sour"

tamarind sour.

Did you swallow?

When we think of sourness

we swallow.

Whatever thought that
is arising

there follows certain bodily movements

that we may or may not be aware of.

So our thoughts will always
come along with it is an emotion

and bodily movements.

They always come hand in hand.

We may not be aware of our thought.

But we can be more
aware of the feeling.

But the body is most
visible, perceivable.

The sensations also come along

with the thoughts, with the
feelings, the bodily movements

and sensations.

So we can learn to
be aware of these two.

To identify them, moment to moment

so that we can be more in touch
with our thoughts and our feelings

so that we can relax them.

That is to learn to be a soulmate

to our own body

to our own mind.

And to take care of
them very effectively.

Another practice, because
we know that emotions are felt, right

as a wave, as a storm,
as a food, as a nutriment

and that's a habit.

So we learn to see
how we're feeling them.

The Buddha taught about
the four kinds of diligence.

The first two kinds is to
deal with positive seeds in ourselves.

And the other two we deal with

the negative tendencies

or seeds in ourselves.

For example we have the seed,
the gene for joy, happiness

for positivity.

So, water them. Tend them.

Give rise to positive thinking
in speech and bodily actions.

We cultivate them, invite them.

They'll come up more often.

And once they come up,
give rise to awareness

Because if we're happy
and we're not aware we are happy

then that happiness comes and goes.

But if we are happy and
we give rise to the awareness,

"I'm happy in this moment."

How fortunate I am to
have these conditions of happiness.

Then we feel more deeply that happiness.

And that happiness will last longer.

And we will know how to
invite it to come again.

We know how to change a neutral feeling

like, "Oh, I don't have anything to do."

"Nothing is happening right now."

Then we can turn that into
a happy feeling by thinking

Oh it's so wonderful. I don't
have to do anything right now.

I can just sit and relax and enjoy

the blue sky.

I don't have pain right now.

Oh, I'm so grateful

for my body. For it's capacity
to heal and to transform.

You see, you can change a
neutral feeling into a good feeling.

So, to water the positive seeds
and to keep the positive seeds manifesting

in our thoughts and speech
and in our body

more often in our daily life.

The other two kinds of diligence

will help the negative seeds

if they have not surfaced,

don't water them.
Don't invite them to come up.

Don't watch movies that
will trigger violence, fear

trauma in us.

Dramas are traumas.

We like dramas a lot.

Dramas in our own lives,
in people's lives

in the princes and
the queens and the kings lives

we like to water dramas.

But we know dramas are traumas.

Because when we are exposed

to all these dramas

every thought we give rise again

will be associated with a bodily action

Our emotion hormones will be released

and that will accumulate

and will give rise to tension
in the body

and negativity, tension in
our thoughts and feelings.

So don't invite them
to come up

if they are negative

and when they are up
like anger and jealousy

don't water them.

Because then they will
be stronger at the base.

We have two wonderful
Chinese characters

This is (nyang). It means leisure, peace.

This Chinese character is for
now and chaos.

Now if we look at these characters

both have these two doors

What's the difference between
leisure, peace and chaos.

It's right here, at the gate
at the door.

This stands for the moon.

And this is a character for the market.

Now we can regard our eyes
as these two gates, two doors

Our ears, our nose, our mouth,
our body, our thoughts

We should have the gate
of mindfulness to guard

what's going in our sense organs.

What's going in to our thinking.

Because if we bring the moon,
positive thoughts, loving thoughts

then we have peace and leisure.

But if we constantly bring chaos
into our consumption

through the eyes, the ears,
the nose, the mouth

the body, the thoughts
it's a market we bring into ourselves.

Our body and mind.

Then of course, we have chaos.

Our life will be chaotic.

The world will be chaotic as a result.

So, this is the first two diligence

to water the good seeds.

And these two we have to ask ourselves

in our daily life how do we water,
how do we feed chaos.

And if you watch the video we
talk about the five mindfulness trainings

you also learn more about consumption

Mindful consumption will help
us to bring peace and leisure

and joy in our life,
instead of chaos.

So these, I hope
you will remember this

when you go to the store

when you're listening to music

when you're having a conversation

just take a mental pause.

Just stop for a moment.

And ask yourself,

What am I watering?

Am I bringing the market
into myself, into my life

or am I bringing the moon?

Through the images I used about
emotions as a storm,

a wave, food, and habit,

And we also learned an emotion
hormone lasts only 69 seconds.

We see that emotions are impermanent.

Sometimes when we feel
our strong emotion

it seems like it will last forever.

It's our entire life.

And because I feels so permanent

sometimes it becomes so unbearable

We think about escaping it

by any means possible.

Whether that's seeking entertainment,

burying ourselves in work,

escaping in relationships, in sex

in drugs, or

taking our life

because it's so unbearable.

It's only permanent
because we feed it.

So we learn to

when we are feeling sad

in the lying down position,

breathe.

Feel the rise and fall of the belly.

Talk to it tenderly, "I know
you are there.

Help me to take better
care of you, my dear sadness,

my dear pain.

Sit up, sit in the upright position.

Bring your mind back to your breathing.

You are bringing balance to
your sympathetic system

and the parasympathetic nervous system.

Get out of the dark room,
turn off the television,

turn off your computer.

Walk outdoors, go to a park.

Walk in your neighborhood,
in your backyard.

Sit by a tree, a big tree.

Hold a tree, lie down on the earth

and breathe and feel the rise

and fall of your belly

pressing against the tree,
pressing on the earth.

Feeling more and more spacious.

There's no boundary between
your body and what's around you.

Become more spacious and,
you know, that wave of strong emotion

it will calm down.
That storm will pass.

An emotion, when rehearsed

time and time again

becomes so entrenched in our brain,

in every cell of our body.

The neuro networks are like freeways.

You only need one triggering factor

and it goes straight there.

Neurotransmitters are released

the heart rate, respiratory rate,

the whole body,
the whole way of thinking

and speaking and behaving
are immediately there.

So we need to learn

to come back to our breathing

go for a walk, jog slowly or quickly,

change the CD, change the music.

You don't have to be stuck
in that one.

Change the environment.

Some environments are
not good for us.

It's not nourishing us.

Why do we have to stay there?

Why do we have to go to people

that cause us to feel insecure

and underminded.

Choose friends who believe in us,

who show us the way,

who bring us to the practice.

There are so many ways.

Do yoga.

Young people nowadays

are fixed on their electronics.

They only use their central vision

like this.

We don't look around anymore.

We don't see what's going on
around us anymore.

Only this.

What's on the screen is not life.

You can push forward, backward

you can replay, it's there.
It's not real.

What's real is what's going on

in our body, in our mind
all around us in the world.

Put these things down.

I have a niece. She's only 10 years old.

She has severe myopia now.

She has severe astigmatism.

And apparently children
all over the world

now, fifty percent, sixty percent,
seventy percent of them

are developing early
myopia and astigmatism

because they don't play
outdoors anymore.

Sunlight is important for
the eye development.

It's important to the
development of the whole body

and mind.

Because children are indoors

because we, they are babysat

with electronics.

So the adults can do what.

And so they only focus

and they focus so much

that it affects the eye development.

And it's not just severe
myopia and astigmatism

that is dangerous.

It puts them at risk for
retinal detachment,

macular degeneration,
glaucoma.

Conditions that will
lead to blindness.

I'm so sad everytime
I think of this, about my niece,

and about the children all over the world.

So as adults, our lifestyle

the way we use electronics,

the way we take care or
not take care of our emotions

of our thoughts, of our body and minds.

That is our inheritance.

That is our legacy.

For our children,
they watch it.

They watch us and they learn from us,

and they will repeat the cycle.

So we need to know how
to help them, feed them.

Feed themselves more positively

so they can have better mental health,

they can care for their strong emotions

as friends.

As soulmates.

Whatever is rehearsed so long

it becomes habits.

It becomes an addiction.

And a habit will become
our personality.

I tell this to the teenagers

you know,

you rehearse your game playing

your electronic usage,

that becomes your habit

which becomes your personality.

"Oh, I'm like that.
That's how I am.

That's who I am."

And I personality will
lead to our destiny.

So my dear ones

I hope that this short sharing
can help you gain

some insights into your emotions

and also can help you

start a journey of self-exploration,

self-healing.

Sometimes we are so used
to an emotion

that we cannot imagine

what life would be like
without that strong emotion.

And we even resist
peace and happiness.

But I can assure you,
I can reassure you

as you practice to embrace
and transform and heal

these emotions,

spaces will open up for life.

You can be with what was

that happened in your
childhood, in your life.

You can hold it without
having to be swept away by it.

You can regard your
life with tenderness

and gratitude.

Because you have
learned from it.

You can live your life.

This is all we have.

Every present moment
is what we have.

It carries the past and the future

right here and right now.

And we can hold this present moment

as a soulmate to this present moment

and thus we can heal
and transform the past

and we can affect the
future in a positive way.

We may regain trust and confidence

in our own capacity to be

with what was, what is

and what will be.

And that is a deep, deep happiness.

It's a great power.

Enjoy being a soulmate
from within, my dear ones.

(Bowing.)