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So what is empathy?
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And why is it very
different than sympathy?
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Empathy fuels connection.
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Sympathy drives disconnection.
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Empathy--it's very interesting,
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Teresa Wiseman is a nursing
scholar who studied professions,
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very diverse professions
where empathy is relevant,
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and came up with four
qualities of empathy.
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Perspective taking--
the ability to take the perspective
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of another person or recognize
their perspective is their truth.
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Staying out of judgement.
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Not easy, when you enjoy it
as much as most of us do.
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Recognizing emotion in other people,
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and then communicating that.
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Empathy is feeling with people.
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And to me I always think of empathy
as this kind of sacred space
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when someone's kind of in a deep hole,
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and they shout out from the bottom
and they say,
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"I'm stuck. It's dark. I'm overwhelmed."
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And then we look and we say,
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"Hey." Climb down.
"I know what it's like down here."
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"And you're not alone."
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Sympathy is, "Ooh. It's bad. Uh-huh."
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"Uh, no. You want a sandwich?"
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Empathy is a choice and
it's a vulnerable choice
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because in order to connect with you,
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I have to connect with something in myself
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that knows that feeling.
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Rarely, if ever, does an empathic
response begin with, "at least."
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[Laughter]
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And we do it all the time!
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Because you know what,
someone just shared something with us
-
that's incredibly painful and
we're trying to silver-lining it.
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I don't think that's a verb,
but I'm using it as one.
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We're trying to put the
silver lining around it.
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So, "I had a miscarriage."
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"Oh, at least you know you
can get pregnant."
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"I think my marriage is falling apart."
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"At least you have a marriage."
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[Laughter]
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"John's getting kicked out of school."
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"At least Sarah is an A student."
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But one of the things we do sometimes
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in the face of very
difficult conversations,
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is we try to make things better.
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If I share something with
you that's very difficult,
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I'd rather you say,
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"Uff. I don't even know what to say
right now, I'm just so glad you told me."
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Because the truth is, rarely can a
response make something better.
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What makes something better is connection.