Russell Peters - Beating Your Kids

Comedian Russell Peters presents a hilarious piece about the horrors of childhood beatings.

I think that's one thing that separates immigrant families from the regular Canadian families, you know?

Doesn't matter where your parents are from,

they weren't born in this country, they will whoop your ass when you're growing up, won't they?

It doesn't matter where your parents are from.

Ukraine, you know what I'm saying, they'll beat you with a cabbage roll.

You know what I'm saying, they'll smack a pierogi upside your head.

They'll beat you, right?

Immigrant parents will beat their kids.

Canadian parents, they're a little too soft on their kids.

And that's fine, you know, whatever makes you happy.

But you need to start beating your kids.

I'll tell you why:

Because kids now are growing up in a multicultural society.

You know, you're gonna have white kids growing up with black kids and brown kids and Asian kids,

They're all going to be hanging out on the playground, you know what I mean?

And they're going to be talking about the ass-whooping they got last night.

Do you want that little white kid to feel left out?

Beat that child so he's not a social outcast!

They'll be sitting around, "My dad beat my ass," "My dad beat my ass too!"

And the white people are like "I got sent to my room."

And I'd be like, "You've got a ROOM?"

You need to beat your kids, man.

Indian parents will beat their kids.

Chinese parents, ooh, I would hate to get beaten by them.

Those parents know Kung-fu and stuff, man, that's...

I'd hate to mess up in a Chinese house.

[CHINESE ACCENT] "Hey! Chap-tis Bong! Come here."

[CHINESE ACCENT] "It says you got a F in school."

They wouldn't even need to beat you, they just go WOOHAH -

Indian parents will beat their - Indian parents aren't afraid to kill their kids, if they have to.

My Dad's theory was [INDIAN ACCENT] "If I get rid of one, I'll just make another one!"

[INDIAN ACCENT] "And I will tell the new one what an idiot the last one was!"

Jamaican parents will beat their kids for no reason, won't they?

[JAMAICAN ACCENT] "Eduardo, come here."

"Yes, Daddy?" [THUMP]

"What's that for?"

[JAMAICAN ACCENT] "Just in case."

White people, please beat your kids.

I'll tell you why: because I was growing up, right? I grew up around a lot of black people.

Which was fine, because black people never picked on me.

White kids, not so friendly back then.

But every now and then, a white kid would come hang out with us.

And we would be like, "Wow! A white kid!"

"I've heard so much about you!"

And here's what the problem is. When a white kid would hang out with us, we would want to be like the white kid.

We would want to start to do everything like the white kid.

We wanted to copy that white kid so much.

And the problem is when we would start taking that white kid's advice,

On how to deal with our parents.

That will get you friggin' murdered, man.

I remember hanging around this one little white boy, Ryan, when I was ten years old.

I went to his house after school one day. His parents never beat him.

And they never even yelled at him. He could do anything he wanted,

and nothing was gonna happen to him. But he was an angry kid.

We walked into his house after school, and his mom goes, [WHINY VOICE] "Ryan, go clean your room."

"FUCK YOU BITCH!!"

His mom goes [WHINY VOICE] "What am going to do with him?"

I go, "Ryan, you can't talk to your mom like that!"

"Yes I can! She's a jackass!"

"Don't say that man, she'll hit you!"

"No she won't! She's not allowed to!"

"The hell you talkin' about, man? My parents hit me."

"YEAH? Well, next time they try it, you tell them to FUCK off."

"Are you sure?"

"Trust me. It works for me."

So I went home.

For the last time.

I walked in the house, my dad goes [INDIAN ACCENT] "Russell, come and do the dishes."

"Fuck you, Dad!"

[INDIAN ACCENT] "What the hell did you say to me?"

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Do I look like Ryan's mom?"

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Somebody gonna get a-hurt real bad."

That was my dad's threat, right before he beat me, every single time.

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Oi! Russell! Somebody gonna get a-hurt real bad!"

I hated that threat, you know why?

Because he'd always say "somebody."

He'd never tell you it was you!

I mean, YOU knew it was you!

But he'd give you this hope!

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Oi! Russell! Somebody gonna get a-hurt real bad."

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Somebody."

[INDIAN ACCENT] "I'm not gonna say who."

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Oh, I think you might know him very well!"

I'm in the back, praying "I hope it's my brother, man, please, please..."

I saw that little brat Ryan at school a few days later, I was like

"Yo! Your little plan almost got me killed!"

He goes, "Oh, sorry, dude, I forgot to tell you the other part."

"If he's still gonna hit you, threaten to phone Children's Aid."

"Why?"

"Because if you phone Children's Aid, they'll come and take your dad away, and he'll get in trouble."

"You won't even have to call. Just pretend; it'll scare the crap outta him."

Ten years old, and you figure out how to scare the crap out of your dad?

That's like finding Kryptonite!

I thought I'd try it. I was about to get my next beating; I stop my dad, and I go:

"DON'T DO IT!"

"I'll phone Children's Aid."

Ever had your parents call your bluff?

[INDIAN ACCENT] "You'll do what?"

"I'll phone Children's Aid!"

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Is that right?"

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Ohhhhhh. Brrrrrrrr."

[INDIAN ACCENT] "Well, let me get you the phone, tough guy!"

"Wait, what're you doing? If I phone Children's Aid, you'll get in trouble!"

[INDIAN ACCENT] "I might get into a little bit of trouble,

[INDIAN ACCENT] "But I know that it's going to take some twenty-three minutes to get here."

[INDIAN ACCENT] "In that time, somebody gonna get a-hurt real bad!"