Stephen Fry talks about his depression

There comes a time when the blankness of future

is so extreme - it is such a black wall of nothingness

not even of bad things

it's not like there's a cave full of monsters

that you're afraid of entering, the future.

It is just nothingness - "le neant" as the French would say.

"La vide" - the void, the emptiness.

And, it is just horrible!

The actor, writer and presenter Stephen Fry

can also see the beginnings of his bipolar disorder in his teenage years.

It came as quite a shock to me to realise

the feelings of suicidal thoughts that I had

were actually rare.

That these were not the norm.

Many other feelings I had were perfectly normal.

But the feeling of wishing my life would end

and trying to do something about it, which I did from 17-18 a few times

that, I discovered, was not usual.

And I suppose that is as good a time to date it from as any other.

In the late 1990s, Stephen Fry was appearing in

a West End play when he went into a terrible depression.

One night he sat in his car in the garage

on the verge of suicide.

In despair and confusion, he left instead on a ferry for France.

I saw these rows of newspaper headlines,

"Fears for Fry" type things.

And I stared at it with complete disbelief.

I was absolutely staggered.

I can't believe that I made people worry so much.

After realizing he'd inadvertently prompted an international search

for his whereabouts, he returned to London

and admitted himself to hospital.

He was diagnosed with bipolar disorder.

It's horrible to contemplate a furtureless future

if that isn't too impossible.

And so you just want to step out of it

to step out of the whole race, the whole business.

The monstrosity of being alive overwhelms you.

In 2006, Stephen Fry was filming a documentary

about his mental health struggles

when he fell into a bleak depression.

For the last few days, I've been feeling increasingly depressed.

Very black stage at the moment

and would love to be somewhere else other than here, frankly.

I'm fully aware I'm a very awful person to be with.

I find it difficult to meet people's eyes

I find it very difficult to connect to people

I find it very- I just want to be alone, frankly.

I just pray that it'll pass, basically.

It's f***ing irritating and I hate myself for it.

I've never thought that I hear voices

but I do have a voice telling me I'm a complete **** all the time in my head.

Usually when I feel like this, I hide away.

I can't this time.

For me, that numbing kind of depression comes

three to four times a year

and lasts a week to ten days.

I spend the time in the house, staring at the ceiling.