Dave Chappelle - How Old Is 15 Really?

Dave Talks About dumb 15 year old people. funny shit

You're not asking yourself the real question, that America needs to decide once and for all.

And that question is, how old is 15, really?

[Laughter]

No, that's a good question. That's a good question.

I'm not sayin' that a person is as smart as they're gonna be at 15.

That's not what I'm sayin', man!

But I am sayin' - 15 to me is old enough to decide whether or not you want to be pissed on.

I mean, that's me! If you can't make a decision like that by the time you're 15,

then just give up, mother fucker, because life is way harder than that!

I make tougher decisions all the time. If you don't want to get pissed on, just get the fuck

out of the way. It's not even a decision.

And if I start peeing on the front row, they're not going to have to calculate and think,

'how do I feel about this? Am I okay with it?'

They just move!

[Laughter]

You can do that at 15. I could've. I've been 15. When I was 15 I was doing stand up in night clubs,

I smoked reefer from time to time, my friends were sellin' crack, I was trying to finger fuck people.

I knew what was happening around me to some degree.

Getting pissed on was the least of my worries at 15.

Trust me.

But it keeps comin' up. There's a lot of confusion around that age.

Anytime 15 comes up, people freak out. Like when that girl, Elizabeth Smart, got kidnapped.

Right?

Remember in Utah last year, there was a 15 year old girl, Elizabeth Smart, was kidnapped

and then they finally found her and the whole country was relieved and I was the only one sayin',

'damn, she wasn't that smart after all'.

Not 'cuz she got kidnapped, that could happen to anybody. I'm not knockin' her for that.

I'm just sayin', if you kidnapped me when I was 15, you gotta take me further than 8 miles

away from my house, man. Goddamn!

Can't hold me prisoner around shit I recognize, I'll break away! I'll break away!

Get the fuck off me, nigga! That's my bus stop, I know where I'm at! I'm goin' home!

[Applause, laughter]

She was missin' for six months, 8 miles away from her house. That's two exits, man. That's nothin'!

[Laughter]

And while she was missin', during this half a year that this girl was missin',

there's a seven-year-old black girl that gets kidnapped in Philadelphia.

Nobody knows her name. They might have talked about two or three times on the news,

but she should have been the top story because she chewed through the ropes and had both

of these mother fuckers in jail in 45 minutes flat! Seven years old. I'm not makin' this up!

[Applause]

Two crack-heads kidnapped her and took her back to the crack-house and tied her up.

And then they left her.

'Cuz they're crack-heads. They gotta moves. Crack to smoke, chocolate to eat.

Those mother fuckers made moves, they was out!

[Laughter]

But as soon as they left, this little girl got to nibblin'.

[Laughter]

She was kidnapped at four o'clock and at home watchin' herself on the news at five-thirty.

That shit is crazy!

That's a - that's a news story. That is a news story!

[Applause]

Now, meanwhile, in Utah -

15-year-old Elizabeth Smart's captors left her alone, too, and they didn't even tie her up,

'cuz they're hillbillies. They just bounced.

'Don't try to escape, bitch, or we'll kill ya. Be right back!'

And leave.

And she's 15, sittin' in the house by herself.

'How am I going to get out of this?

Come on, Elizabeth, think. Think, Elizabeth! How am I going to get out of here?'

Why don't you just open the fuckin' door and go outside?

Have you though about that?

Do you have a quarter?

Do you know your phone number?

You're 15, bitch! Run! Stop thinking and start makin' moves!

I know I sound mean and I know what the people are thinking when I'm sayin' this -

'Dave, she is only 15!'

All right, but that's the discrepancy, because when you talk about a little girl like Elizabeth Smart,

then the country feels like 15 is so young and so innocent.

On the flip-side, here comes 15 again.

Now we're talking about a 15-year-old black kid in Florida.

This black kid accidentally killed his neighbor when he was practicing wrestling

moves that he saw on TV.

Now, was he a kid?

No!

They gave him life! They always try our 15-year-olds as adults.

'This nigger knew what he was doing. It's the goddamn pile-driver.'

[Applause]

'If this kid gets on the ropes, there's no stopping him. We'd have to send the Rock to arrest him.'

And they gave a 15-year-old boy, life in jail.

If you think that it's okay to give him life in jail, then it should be legal to pee on him.

That's all I'm sayin'. You gotta make up your mind across the board, how old 15 actually is.

That's all I'm sayin'!