A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron | TEDxSFU
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0:08 - 0:09Hi, you guys!
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0:09 - 0:12Thank you for
sticking around till the end. -
0:12 - 0:13(Laughter)
-
0:13 - 0:16I told my mom that no one
would be here at the end, -
0:16 - 0:18and she promised me
that you guys would, so ... -
0:18 - 0:20(Laughter)
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0:20 - 0:25OK, so today I want to talk
about how we talk about love. -
0:25 - 0:26And specifically,
-
0:26 - 0:30I want to talk about what's wrong
with how we talk about love. -
0:30 - 0:34Most of us will probably
fall in love a few times -
0:34 - 0:35over the course of our lives,
-
0:35 - 0:39and in the English language,
this metaphor, falling, -
0:39 - 0:43is really the main way that we
talk about that experience. -
0:43 - 0:44I don't know about you,
-
0:44 - 0:46but when I conceptualize this metaphor,
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0:46 - 0:49what I picture is straight
out of a cartoon -- -
0:50 - 0:51like there's a man,
-
0:51 - 0:53he's walking down the sidewalk,
-
0:53 - 0:56without realizing it, he crosses
over an open manhole, -
0:56 - 1:00and he just plummets into the sewer below.
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1:00 - 1:04And I picture it this way
because falling is not jumping. -
1:04 - 1:06Falling is accidental,
-
1:06 - 1:08it's uncontrollable.
-
1:08 - 1:12It's something that happens to us
without our consent. -
1:12 - 1:17And this is the main way we talk
about starting a new relationship. -
1:18 - 1:22I am a writer and I'm also
an English teacher, -
1:22 - 1:24which means I think
about words for a living. -
1:24 - 1:28You could say that I get paid
to argue that the language we use matters, -
1:28 - 1:32and I would like to argue
that many of the metaphors we use -
1:33 - 1:34to talk about love --
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1:34 - 1:36maybe even most of them --
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1:36 - 1:37are a problem.
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1:38 - 1:40So, in love, we fall.
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1:41 - 1:43We're struck.
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1:43 - 1:44We are crushed.
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1:45 - 1:46We swoon.
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1:47 - 1:49We burn with passion.
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1:49 - 1:51Love makes us crazy,
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1:51 - 1:53and it makes us sick.
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1:53 - 1:55Our hearts ache,
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1:55 - 1:57and then they break.
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1:58 - 2:01So our metaphors equate
the experience of loving someone -
2:01 - 2:04to extreme violence or illness.
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2:04 - 2:06(Laughter)
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2:07 - 2:08They do.
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2:08 - 2:10And they position us as the victims
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2:10 - 2:13of unforeseen and totally
unavoidable circumstances. -
2:14 - 2:17My favorite one of these is "smitten,"
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2:17 - 2:20which is the past participle
of the word "smite." -
2:20 - 2:23And if you look this word up
in the dictionary -- -
2:23 - 2:24(Laughter)
-
2:24 - 2:28you will see that it can be defined
as both "grievous affliction," -
2:29 - 2:31and, "to be very much in love."
-
2:33 - 2:37I tend to associate the word "smite"
with a very particular context, -
2:37 - 2:38which is the Old Testament.
-
2:39 - 2:44In the Book of Exodus alone,
there are 16 references to smiting, -
2:44 - 2:48which is the word that the Bible uses
for the vengeance of an angry God. -
2:48 - 2:50(Laughter)
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2:50 - 2:52Here we are using the same word
to talk about love -
2:52 - 2:55that we use to explain
a plague of locusts. -
2:55 - 2:56(Laughter)
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2:56 - 2:57Right?
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2:57 - 2:59So, how did this happen?
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2:59 - 3:03How have we come to associate love
with great pain and suffering? -
3:03 - 3:07And why do we talk about
this ostensibly good experience -
3:07 - 3:09as if we are victims?
-
3:10 - 3:12These are difficult questions,
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3:12 - 3:14but I have some theories.
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3:14 - 3:15And to think this through,
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3:15 - 3:18I want to focus
on one metaphor in particular, -
3:18 - 3:20which is the idea of love as madness.
-
3:21 - 3:23When I first started
researching romantic love, -
3:23 - 3:26I found these madness
metaphors everywhere. -
3:26 - 3:28The history of Western culture
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3:28 - 3:32is full of language
that equates love to mental illness. -
3:33 - 3:35These are just a few examples.
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3:35 - 3:36William Shakespeare:
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3:36 - 3:38"Love is merely a madness,"
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3:38 - 3:39from "As You Like It."
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3:40 - 3:41Friedrich Nietzsche:
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3:41 - 3:44"There is always some madness in love."
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3:44 - 3:47"Got me looking, got me looking
so crazy in love --" -
3:47 - 3:49(Laughter)
-
3:49 - 3:52from the great philosopher,
Beyoncé Knowles. -
3:52 - 3:53(Laughter)
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3:55 - 3:58I fell in love for the first
time when I was 20, -
3:58 - 4:01and it was a pretty turbulent relationship
right from the start. -
4:01 - 4:04And it was long distance
for the first couple of years, -
4:04 - 4:09so for me that meant very high highs
and very low lows. -
4:09 - 4:12I can remember one moment in particular.
-
4:12 - 4:16I was sitting on a bed
in a hostel in South America, -
4:16 - 4:19and I was watching the person
I love walk out the door. -
4:20 - 4:21And it was late,
-
4:21 - 4:23it was nearly midnight,
-
4:23 - 4:25we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,
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4:25 - 4:27and when we got back to our room,
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4:27 - 4:29he threw his things in the bag
and stormed out. -
4:31 - 4:34While I can no longer remember
what that argument was about, -
4:34 - 4:38I very clearly remember
how I felt watching him leave. -
4:39 - 4:42I was 22, it was my first time
in the developing world, -
4:43 - 4:45and I was totally alone.
-
4:46 - 4:49I had another week until my flight home,
-
4:49 - 4:52and I knew the name
of the town that I was in, -
4:52 - 4:55and the name of the city
that I needed to get to to fly out, -
4:55 - 4:59but I had no idea how to get around.
-
5:00 - 5:03I had no guidebook and very little money,
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5:03 - 5:04and I spoke no Spanish.
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5:05 - 5:07Someone more adventurous than me
-
5:07 - 5:10might have seen this
as a moment of opportunity, -
5:10 - 5:12but I just froze.
-
5:12 - 5:14I just sat there.
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5:14 - 5:16And then I burst into tears.
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5:17 - 5:19But despite my panic,
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5:19 - 5:22some small voice in my head thought,
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5:22 - 5:24"Wow. That was dramatic.
-
5:24 - 5:27I must really be doing
this love thing right." -
5:27 - 5:29(Laughter)
-
5:29 - 5:33Because some part of me
wanted to feel miserable in love. -
5:34 - 5:37And it sounds so strange
to me now, but at 22, -
5:37 - 5:41I longed to have dramatic experiences,
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5:41 - 5:46and in that moment, I was irrational
and furious and devastated, -
5:46 - 5:47and weirdly enough,
-
5:47 - 5:50I thought that this somehow
legitimized the feelings I had -
5:50 - 5:52for the guy who had just left me.
-
5:54 - 5:58I think on some level I wanted
to feel a little bit crazy, -
5:58 - 6:02because I thought
that that was how loved worked. -
6:03 - 6:05This really should not be surprising,
-
6:05 - 6:07considering that according to Wikipedia,
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6:07 - 6:09there are eight films,
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6:09 - 6:1114 songs,
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6:11 - 6:15two albums and one novel
with the title "Crazy Love." -
6:16 - 6:19About half an hour later,
he came back to our room. -
6:19 - 6:20We made up.
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6:20 - 6:23We spent another mostly happy week
traveling together. -
6:23 - 6:24And then, when I got home,
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6:24 - 6:29I thought, "That was
so terrible and so great. -
6:30 - 6:31This must be a real romance."
-
6:33 - 6:35I expected my first love
to feel like madness, -
6:35 - 6:39and of course, it met
that expectation very well. -
6:40 - 6:41But loving someone like that --
-
6:41 - 6:45as if my entire well-being depended
on him loving me back -- -
6:45 - 6:48was not very good for me
-
6:48 - 6:49or for him.
-
6:50 - 6:53But I suspect this experience of love
is not that unusual. -
6:54 - 6:58Most of us do feel a bit mad
in the early stages of romantic love. -
6:58 - 7:02In fact, there is research to confirm
that this is somewhat normal, -
7:03 - 7:05because, neurochemically speaking,
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7:05 - 7:09romantic love and mental illness
are not that easily distinguished. -
7:11 - 7:12This is true.
-
7:12 - 7:16This study from 1999 used blood tests
-
7:16 - 7:20to confirm that the serotonin levels
of the newly in love -
7:20 - 7:22very closely resembled
the serotonin levels -
7:22 - 7:26of people who had been diagnosed
with obsessive-compulsive disorder. -
7:26 - 7:27(Laughter)
-
7:27 - 7:29Yes, and low levels of serotonin
-
7:29 - 7:33are also associated
with seasonal affective disorder -
7:33 - 7:34and depression.
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7:35 - 7:38So there is some evidence
-
7:38 - 7:42that love is associated with changes
to our moods and our behaviors. -
7:42 - 7:46And there are other studies to confirm
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7:46 - 7:50that most relationships begin this way.
-
7:50 - 7:54Researchers believe
that the low levels of serotonin -
7:55 - 7:59is correlated with obsessive thinking
about the object of love, -
7:59 - 8:03which is like this feeling that someone
has set up camp in your brain. -
8:03 - 8:06And most of us feel this way
when we first fall in love. -
8:06 - 8:09But the good news is,
it doesn't always last that long -- -
8:09 - 8:12usually from a few months
to a couple of years. -
8:13 - 8:16When I got back from my trip
to South America, -
8:16 - 8:19I spent a lot of time alone in my room,
-
8:19 - 8:21checking my email,
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8:21 - 8:23desperate to hear from the guy I loved.
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8:24 - 8:30I decided that if my friends could not
understand my grievous affliction, -
8:30 - 8:32then I did not need their friendship.
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8:32 - 8:34So I stopped hanging out
with most of them. -
8:34 - 8:38And it was probably
the most unhappy year of my life. -
8:39 - 8:43But I think I felt like
it was my job to be miserable, -
8:44 - 8:45because if I could be miserable,
-
8:45 - 8:48then I would prove how much I loved him.
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8:48 - 8:50And if I could prove it,
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8:50 - 8:53then we would have to end up
together eventually. -
8:54 - 8:56This is the real madness,
-
8:56 - 8:58because there is no cosmic rule
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8:58 - 9:02that says that great suffering
equals great reward, -
9:02 - 9:06but we talk about love as if this is true.
-
9:07 - 9:11Our experiences of love
are both biological and cultural. -
9:11 - 9:14Our biology tells us that love is good
-
9:14 - 9:17by activating these
reward circuits in our brain, -
9:17 - 9:22and it tells us that love is painful
when, after a fight or a breakup, -
9:22 - 9:24that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.
-
9:25 - 9:27And in fact -- and maybe
you've heard this -- -
9:27 - 9:29neurochemically speaking,
-
9:29 - 9:33going through a breakup is a lot
like going through cocaine withdrawal, -
9:33 - 9:35which I find reassuring.
-
9:35 - 9:36(Laughter)
-
9:37 - 9:40And then our culture uses language
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9:40 - 9:42to shape and reinforce
these ideas about love. -
9:42 - 9:45In this case, we're talking
about metaphors about pain -
9:45 - 9:47and addiction and madness.
-
9:47 - 9:50It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.
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9:50 - 9:53Love is powerful and at times painful,
-
9:54 - 9:56and we express this
in our words and stories, -
9:57 - 9:59but then our words and stories prime us
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9:59 - 10:03to expect love to be powerful and painful.
-
10:04 - 10:07What's interesting to me
is that all of this happens -
10:07 - 10:10in a culture that values
lifelong monogamy. -
10:10 - 10:12It seems like we want it both ways:
-
10:12 - 10:15we want love to feel like madness,
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10:15 - 10:19and we want it to last an entire lifetime.
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10:19 - 10:21That sounds terrible.
-
10:21 - 10:22(Laughter)
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10:24 - 10:25To reconcile this,
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10:25 - 10:30we need to either change our culture
or change our expectations. -
10:31 - 10:35So, imagine if we were all
less passive in love. -
10:35 - 10:39If we were more assertive,
more open-mined, more generous -
10:39 - 10:43and instead of falling in love,
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10:43 - 10:45we stepped into love.
-
10:46 - 10:48I know that this is asking a lot,
-
10:48 - 10:51but I'm not actually
the first person to suggest this. -
10:53 - 10:55In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"
-
10:55 - 11:00linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff
suggest a really interesting solution -
11:00 - 11:02to this dilemma,
-
11:02 - 11:05which is to change our metaphors.
-
11:05 - 11:10They argue that metaphors really do shape
the way we experience the world, -
11:11 - 11:14and that they can even act
as a guide for future actions, -
11:14 - 11:16like self-fulfilling prophecies.
-
11:17 - 11:21Johnson and Lakoff suggest
a new metaphor for love: -
11:22 - 11:24love as a collaborative work of art.
-
11:25 - 11:28I really like this way
of thinking about love. -
11:29 - 11:32Linguists talk about metaphors
as having entailments, -
11:32 - 11:36which is essentially a way of considering
all the implications of, -
11:36 - 11:39or ideas contained
within, a given metaphor. -
11:39 - 11:42And Johnson and Lakoff
talk about everything -
11:42 - 11:44that collaborating
on a work of art entails: -
11:45 - 11:49effort, compromise,
patience, shared goals. -
11:49 - 11:53These ideas align nicely
with our cultural investment -
11:53 - 11:55in long-term romantic commitment,
-
11:55 - 11:59but they also work well
for other kinds of relationships -- -
12:00 - 12:05short-term, casual, polyamorous,
non-monogamous, asexual -- -
12:05 - 12:09because this metaphor brings
much more complex ideas -
12:09 - 12:11to the experience of loving someone.
-
12:12 - 12:17So if love is a collaborative work of art,
-
12:17 - 12:20then love is an aesthetic experience.
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12:21 - 12:23Love is unpredictable,
-
12:24 - 12:26love is creative,
-
12:27 - 12:31love requires communication
and discipline, -
12:31 - 12:34it is frustrating
and emotionally demanding. -
12:34 - 12:38And love involves both joy and pain.
-
12:38 - 12:42Ultimately, each experience
of love is different. -
12:43 - 12:45When I was younger,
-
12:45 - 12:50it never occurred to me that I was allowed
to demand more from love, -
12:50 - 12:53that I didn't have to just accept
whatever love offered. -
12:54 - 12:58When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --
-
12:58 - 13:02or, when 14-year-old Juliet
cannot be with Romeo, -
13:02 - 13:05whom she has met four days ago ...
-
13:06 - 13:10she does not feel disappointed or angsty.
-
13:10 - 13:12Where is she?
-
13:12 - 13:13She wants to die.
-
13:13 - 13:15Right?
-
13:15 - 13:17And just as a refresher,
at this point in the play, -
13:17 - 13:18act three of five,
-
13:18 - 13:20Romeo is not dead.
-
13:21 - 13:22He's alive,
-
13:22 - 13:24he's healthy,
-
13:24 - 13:26he's just been banished from the city.
-
13:27 - 13:33I understand that 16th-century Verona
is unlike contemporary North America, -
13:33 - 13:36and yet when I first read this play,
-
13:36 - 13:38also at age 14,
-
13:38 - 13:41Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
-
13:42 - 13:48Reframing love as something
I get to create with someone I admire, -
13:48 - 13:50rather than something
that just happens to me -
13:50 - 13:53without my control or consent,
-
13:53 - 13:54is empowering.
-
13:55 - 13:57It's still hard.
-
13:57 - 14:02Love still feels totally maddening
and crushing some days, -
14:02 - 14:04and when I feel really frustrated,
-
14:04 - 14:06I have to remind myself:
-
14:06 - 14:10my job in this relationship
is to talk to my partner -
14:10 - 14:12about what I want to make together.
-
14:13 - 14:15This isn't easy, either.
-
14:16 - 14:20But it's just so much better
than the alternative, -
14:20 - 14:23which is that thing
that feels like madness. -
14:24 - 14:29This version of love is not about winning
or losing someone's affection. -
14:30 - 14:34Instead, it requires
that you trust your partner -
14:34 - 14:37and talk about things
when trusting feels difficult, -
14:37 - 14:39which sounds so simple,
-
14:39 - 14:44but is actually a kind
of revolutionary, radical act. -
14:44 - 14:48And this is because you get to stop
thinking about yourself -
14:48 - 14:52and what you're gaining
or losing in your relationship, -
14:52 - 14:55and you get to start thinking
about what you have to offer. -
14:56 - 14:59This version of love
allows us to say things like, -
14:59 - 15:04"Hey, we're not very good collaborators.
Maybe this isn't for us." -
15:05 - 15:09Or, "That relationship
was shorter than I had planned, -
15:09 - 15:11but it was still kind of beautiful."
-
15:12 - 15:15The beautiful thing
about the collaborative work of art -
15:15 - 15:18is that it will not paint
or draw or sculpt itself. -
15:18 - 15:22This version of love allows us
to decide what it looks like. -
15:22 - 15:23Thank you.
-
15:23 - 15:28(Applause)
- Title:
- A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron | TEDxSFU
- Description:
-
In love, we fall. We're struck, we're crushed, we swoon. We burn with passion. Love makes us crazy and makes us sick. Our hearts ache, and then they break. Talking about love in this way fundamentally shapes how we experience it, says writer Mandy Len Catron. In this talk for anyone who's ever felt crazy in love, Catron proposes a new metaphor for love that may help us find more joy -- and less suffering -- in it.
This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 15:34
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron | TEDxSFU | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for A better way to talk about love | Mandy Len Catron | TEDxSFU |