How understanding divorce can help your marriage
-
0:01 - 0:03"Till death do us part."
-
0:04 - 0:07When we get married, we make vows.
-
0:08 - 0:10To love, to honor,
-
0:10 - 0:12to forsake all others.
-
0:13 - 0:15Or as a friend of mine put it,
-
0:15 - 0:18"Not to leave dirty socks
all over the house." -
0:18 - 0:19(Laughter)
-
0:20 - 0:22We may fall short of some of our promises
-
0:22 - 0:24some of the time,
-
0:24 - 0:28but one that will always hold true
is that first one: -
0:28 - 0:30"Till death do us part."
-
0:31 - 0:34Because spouses are bound together
by their decisions, -
0:34 - 0:38in marriage and in divorce.
-
0:41 - 0:44So, a mentor of mine once told me,
-
0:44 - 0:48"You should always marry
your second husband first." -
0:48 - 0:53(Laughter)
-
0:54 - 0:55What did that mean?
-
0:55 - 1:01It didn't mean that Mr. Right
is somehow waiting behind door number two. -
1:02 - 1:07It meant that if you want to understand
-
1:07 - 1:10what makes a marriage work,
-
1:10 - 1:14you should think
about how a marriage ends. -
1:15 - 1:19Divorce makes extremely explicit
-
1:20 - 1:24what the tacit rules of marriage are.
-
1:25 - 1:28And everyone should
understand those rules, -
1:28 - 1:34because doing so can help us build
better marriages from the beginning. -
1:35 - 1:38I know, it doesn't sound very romantic,
-
1:40 - 1:42but sometimes the things we do out of love
-
1:42 - 1:47can be the very things
that make it hard for that love to last. -
1:49 - 1:50I am a family-law professor.
-
1:51 - 1:54I have taught students,
-
1:54 - 1:55I've been an attorney,
-
1:55 - 1:57I'm a mediator
-
1:57 - 2:00and I've also been divorced.
-
2:00 - 2:04And I'm now happily married
to my actual second husband. -
2:04 - 2:06(Laughter)
-
2:08 - 2:11The reason that I think
this is so important -
2:11 - 2:17is that I think everyone should be having
some of these very painful conversations -
2:17 - 2:19that divorced people experience.
-
2:20 - 2:25These are painful conversations
about what we contributed, -
2:25 - 2:28what we owe,
-
2:28 - 2:32what we are willing to give
-
2:32 - 2:34and what we give up.
-
2:36 - 2:38And also, what's important to us.
-
2:39 - 2:43Those conversations should be happening
in a good marriage, -
2:43 - 2:45not after it is broken.
-
2:47 - 2:51Because when you wait until it's broken,
-
2:51 - 2:52it's too late.
-
2:53 - 2:55But if you have them early on,
-
2:55 - 2:58they can actually help build
a better marriage. -
2:59 - 3:02Three ideas that I want
to put on the table -
3:02 - 3:03for you to consider.
-
3:03 - 3:09One, sacrifice should be thought of
as a fair exchange. -
3:10 - 3:14Two, there's no such thing
as free childcare. -
3:16 - 3:22And three, what's yours
probably becomes ours. -
3:23 - 3:27So let me talk about each of these ideas.
-
3:27 - 3:28The first one,
-
3:28 - 3:30sacrifice should be a fair exchange.
-
3:30 - 3:32Take the example of Lisa and Andy.
-
3:33 - 3:36Lisa decides to go to medical school
early in the marriage, -
3:36 - 3:38and Andy works to support them.
-
3:38 - 3:42And Andy works night shifts
in order to do that, -
3:42 - 3:46and he also gives up a great job
in another city. -
3:46 - 3:48He does this out of love.
-
3:48 - 3:50But of course, he also understands
-
3:50 - 3:54that Lisa's degree
will benefit them both in the end. -
3:54 - 4:01But after a few years,
Andy becomes neglected and resentful. -
4:01 - 4:03And he starts drinking heavily.
-
4:04 - 4:07And Lisa looks at her life
and she looks at Andy and she thinks, -
4:07 - 4:09"This is not the bargain
I wanted to make." -
4:09 - 4:11A couple of years go by,
-
4:11 - 4:13she graduates from medical school,
-
4:13 - 4:16and she files for a divorce.
-
4:17 - 4:19So in my perfect world,
-
4:19 - 4:22some kind of marriage mediator
would have been able to talk to them -
4:22 - 4:24before Lisa went to medical school.
-
4:25 - 4:29And at that point,
that mediator might have asked, -
4:30 - 4:36"How exactly does fair exchange work?
-
4:36 - 4:39What does it look like in your marriage?
-
4:40 - 4:45What are you willing to give
and what are you willing to owe?" -
4:46 - 4:47So in a divorce,
-
4:47 - 4:53Lisa now probably is going to owe Andy
financial support for years. -
4:54 - 4:56And Andy ...
-
4:56 - 5:01no amount of financial support
is going to make him feel compensated -
5:01 - 5:02for what he gave up,
-
5:02 - 5:05and the lost traction in his career.
-
5:06 - 5:09If the two of them had thought
about their split early on, -
5:09 - 5:11what might have gone differently?
-
5:11 - 5:15Well, it's possible that Lisa
would have decided -
5:15 - 5:18that she would take loans
or work a part-time job -
5:18 - 5:21in order to support her own tuition
-
5:21 - 5:24so that Andy wouldn't have had to bear
the entire burden for that. -
5:26 - 5:30And Andy might have decided
to take that job in that other city -
5:30 - 5:34and maybe the two of them
would have commuted for a couple of years -
5:34 - 5:36while Lisa finished her degree.
-
5:37 - 5:41So let's take another couple,
Emily and Deb. -
5:41 - 5:42They live in a big city,
-
5:42 - 5:45they have two children, they both work.
-
5:45 - 5:48Emily gets a job in a small town,
-
5:48 - 5:50and they decide to move there together.
-
5:50 - 5:55And Deb quits her job
to look after the children full-time. -
5:56 - 5:59Deb leaves behind an extended family,
-
5:59 - 6:00her friends
-
6:00 - 6:02and a job that she really liked.
-
6:03 - 6:08And in that small town,
Deb starts to feel isolated and lonely. -
6:08 - 6:11And 10 years later, Deb has an affair,
-
6:11 - 6:13and things fall apart.
-
6:14 - 6:17Now, the marriage mediator
who would have come in -
6:17 - 6:21before they moved
and before Deb quit her job -
6:21 - 6:23might have asked them,
-
6:24 - 6:27"What do your choices about childcare
-
6:27 - 6:30do to the obligations
you have to each other? -
6:30 - 6:33How do they affect your relationship?
-
6:33 - 6:34Because you have to remember
-
6:34 - 6:38that there is no such thing
as free childcare." -
6:39 - 6:43If the two of them had thought
about their split beforehand, -
6:43 - 6:45what would have gone differently?
-
6:45 - 6:50Well, maybe Deb would have
realized a little better -
6:50 - 6:55how much her family and her friends
were important to her -
6:55 - 6:57precisely in what she was taking on,
-
6:57 - 6:59which is full-time parenthood.
-
7:00 - 7:02Perhaps Emily,
-
7:02 - 7:06in weighing the excitement
of the new job offer -
7:06 - 7:10might have also thought about
what that would mean for the cost to Deb -
7:10 - 7:12and what would be owed to Deb
-
7:12 - 7:16as a result of her taking on
full-time parenthood. -
7:17 - 7:20So, let's go back to Lisa and Andy.
-
7:20 - 7:22Lisa had an inheritance
from her grandmother -
7:22 - 7:24before the marriage.
-
7:24 - 7:26And when they got married,
they bought a home, -
7:26 - 7:30and Lisa put that inheritance
toward a down payment on that home. -
7:30 - 7:33And then Andy of course worked
to make the mortgage payments. -
7:34 - 7:38And all of their premarital
and marital property -
7:38 - 7:40became joined.
-
7:41 - 7:44That inheritance is now marital property.
-
7:45 - 7:50So, in a split, what's going to happen?
-
7:50 - 7:53They're going to have to sell the house
and split the proceeds, -
7:53 - 7:55or one of them can buy the other out.
-
7:55 - 7:58So this marriage mediator,
-
7:58 - 8:01if they had talked to them
before all of this happened, -
8:01 - 8:04that person would have asked,
-
8:04 - 8:09"What do you want to keep separate
and what do you want to keep together? -
8:09 - 8:10And how does that choice
-
8:10 - 8:14actually support the security
of the marriage? -
8:14 - 8:17Because you have to remember
-
8:17 - 8:21that what's yours,
probably, will become ours, -
8:21 - 8:27unless you actually are mindful
and take steps to do otherwise." -
8:28 - 8:33So if they had thought about their split,
-
8:33 - 8:35maybe they would have decided differently,
-
8:35 - 8:36maybe Lisa would have thought,
-
8:36 - 8:38"Maybe the inheritance can stay separate,"
-
8:38 - 8:43and saved for a day
when they might actually need it. -
8:44 - 8:47And maybe the mortgage that they took on
wouldn't have been as onerous, -
8:47 - 8:51and maybe Andy wouldn't have had
to work so hard to make those payments. -
8:51 - 8:54And maybe he would have
become less resentful. -
8:54 - 8:56Maybe they would have lived
in a smaller house -
8:56 - 8:58and been content to do that.
-
8:59 - 9:00The point is,
-
9:00 - 9:03if they had had
a divorce-conscious discussion -
9:03 - 9:05about what to keep separate,
-
9:05 - 9:10their marriage might have been
more connected and more together. -
9:12 - 9:15Too often in marriage, we make sacrifices,
-
9:15 - 9:19and we demand them,
-
9:19 - 9:20without reckoning their cost.
-
9:21 - 9:24But there is wisdom
in looking at the price tags -
9:24 - 9:27attached to our marital decisions
-
9:27 - 9:31in just the way that divorce law
teaches us to do. -
9:32 - 9:34What I want
-
9:34 - 9:39is for people to think
about their marital bargains -
9:39 - 9:41through the lens of divorce.
-
9:41 - 9:42And to ask,
-
9:44 - 9:49"How is marriage a sacrifice,
-
9:49 - 9:51but an exchange of sacrifice?
-
9:51 - 9:53How do we think about our exchange?"
-
9:54 - 9:55Second:
-
9:56 - 9:59"How do we think about childcare
-
9:59 - 10:00and deal with the fact
-
10:00 - 10:02that there is no such thing
as free childcare?" -
10:02 - 10:04"How do we deal with the fact
-
10:04 - 10:07that some things can be separate
and some things can be together, -
10:07 - 10:09and if we don't think about it,
-
10:09 - 10:14then it will all be part
of the joint enterprise." -
10:14 - 10:17So basically,
-
10:17 - 10:23what I want to leave you with
is that in marriage or divorce, -
10:23 - 10:27people should think about the way
-
10:27 - 10:30that "till death do us part" marriage
-
10:30 - 10:32is forever.
-
10:33 - 10:34Thank you.
-
10:34 - 10:37(Applause)
- Title:
- How understanding divorce can help your marriage
- Speaker:
- Jeannie Suk Gersen
- Description:
-
To understand what makes marriages work, we need to talk about why they sometimes end, says family law professor Jeannie Suk Gersen. Follow along as she lays out three ways that thinking about marital decisions through the lens of divorce can help you better navigate togetherness from the beginning.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 10:50
marialadias edited English subtitles for How understanding divorce can help your marriage | ||
Erin Gregory approved English subtitles for How understanding divorce can help your marriage | ||
Erin Gregory edited English subtitles for How understanding divorce can help your marriage | ||
Krystian Aparta accepted English subtitles for How understanding divorce can help your marriage | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for How understanding divorce can help your marriage | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for How understanding divorce can help your marriage | ||
Ivana Korom edited English subtitles for How understanding divorce can help your marriage |