Why Does My Past Trauma Still Affect Me? [CC English & Español] | Kati Morton

- Hey, everybody, Happy Thursday.

Now, today's question is all

about trauma and guilt.

But before we jump into that,

are you new to my channel?

Welcome, I am a licensed therapist

talking about all things mental health,

and I release videos on
Mondays and on Thursdays,

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so that you don't miss out.

But let's jump into today's question,

and it is, Kati, I have, over the years,

begun to think that if
someone is traumatized

and their rational brain places
the guilt where it belongs,

onto the person or the situation

that caused the trauma to begin with,

then the heart would
naturally align with the brain

and that any leftover
fear, stress, or shame

would be gone or managed.

But that clearly is not
the case for so many folks.

Human nature, myself
included in the above.

Is there science behind
why the feelings remain,

even after most of the guilt is gone?

And if so, can you do an
extended video on that topic?

Well, yes, I can.

Now, I really like this question

because what they're describing
is cognitive dissonance

which, if you don't remember,

I did a video about that,

and I will link it in the description,

but for the sake of this video,

just know that cognitive dissonance

is when our beliefs about
ourselves in situation

are not in line with how we act,

meaning that if we think

we are a good and thoughtful person

but then find ourselves
trying to harm someone,

this would cause cognitive dissonance.

This can also occur in
abusive relationships

when we believe we are good and kind,

but someone else keeps
telling us the opposite,

and using gaslighting
techniques to make us believe

that we don't remember things clearly

and that we are actually
terrible and hurtful.

Does that make sense?

And all of this can be really detrimental

to our development and growth,

because we don't know what the truth is

or who we really are.

It can lead us to questioning

anything and everything that we do.

In other words, it's crazy making.

But to get into the specific question

about trauma and why
our feelings can remain,

even when most of the guilt is gone,

often the guilt is misplaced

because we are told that we are to blame

or that we could have
done something to stop it.

Fight, flight, or freeze, think about it.

If we freeze, which is often
the case when we're children

because we can't fight
back, we're not big enough,

and we often can't get out

'cause we live in that house

and maybe we don't know where to go,

then we can feel like we should have

done something more to
fight back or to stop it.

I've even had patients who share

that they went back over
to their abuser's house,

even after the abuse had started,

and that just makes them
feel more responsible,

like, if I didn't want it to happen again,

why did I go over there?

Or if it's sexual abuse,
we may find ourselves

having an orgasm, even
though, just so you know,

that's a physiological response

and does not equal consent.

But all of that can
make us wonder and think

that we should have done something more,

that we could have fought,

that we could have said something else,

that we could have stopped it,

and that can make it hard
for us to place the guilt

where it belongs, on the abuser

or the person doing the harm.

Instead, we take it on ourselves.

And truly, we understand in
the psychology world that

that's what keeps that,
like, cycle of abuse going is

because of that cognitive dissonance

and the gaslighting and the manipulation

that occurs when we're
in abusive situations.

And obviously there's a
ton of different situations

we could be in where we
feel guilty afterwards.

But that guilt can lead us

to many various feelings
and coping skills.

And if time passes and we're able

to let go of that guilt,

or maybe even to place it

onto the correct person or situation.

Let's say we're working in therapy,

and we're able to recognize

that child us couldn't
do anything and that

that was just us not
understanding the situation,

not knowing what to do.

Maybe that's what we thought
love looked or felt like.

Even if we've done all that work

and we start to feel better,

all of the feelings and
other experiences we've had

as a result could have piled up over time.

Most of my patients
say they're even afraid

to talk about trauma or even talk

about how they feel about it

because they're afraid
that the dam is gonna burst

and they are not gonna be
able to stop themselves

from just feeling overwhelmed,

dissociating, maxing out, or whatever.

And just considering all of that, right,

if we have all this piled up,

letting go of one emotion, guilt,

isn't going to negate or get rid

of any of the others that we have felt

that have maybe piled up.

Does that make sense?

Because until we process
the trauma completely

so that it doesn't have any
emotional charge for us,

did you hear that?

We process it so much
so that it doesn't have

any emotional charge.

If we don't do that, it
will still bother us,

and that's completely normal.

And that's why working slowly but surely

on all that comes up for you

and fighting to lean into
those uncomfortable feelings

that maybe we haven't
even allowed ourselves

to feel before,

will actually make things
better more quickly.

And overall, the reason

that I believe these
just don't quite align

and that if we get rid of the guilt

that we don't feel better

is guilt is just one feeling

associated with trauma.
(relaxing piano music)

It's not the only one,

and so we're gonna have
to work a little harder,

we're gonna have to dig a little deeper,

and I promise, when we do that,

you will feel better.

I hope you found that answer helpful.

That was a really interesting question,

and I would also love
to hear your thoughts

in the comments down below.

And if you like what I
talk about on my channel,

you will love my book.

I have a book, it's called Are u ok?

And it is a guide to caring
for your mental health.

So you can click the
link in the description

and pick yours up today, and
I will see you next time.