YouTube

Got a YouTube account?

New: enable viewer-created translations and captions on your YouTube channel!

English subtitles

← Is My Parent a Narcissist? [CC English & Español] | Kati Morton

Get Embed Code
3 Languages

Showing Revision 1 created 07/09/2019 by Amara Bot.

  1. - Hey, everybody, happy Thursday.
  2. Now, today's question is a good one
  3. but before we jump into that,
    are you new to my channel?
  4. Welcome.
  5. I am a licensed therapist
  6. talking about all things mental health
  7. and I release videos on
    Mondays and on Thursdays
  8. so make sure you're subscribed
  9. and have those notifications turned on
  10. so that you don't miss out
  11. but let's jump into today's question
  12. and it is Kati, speaking of this,
  13. can you talk about
    narcissistic abusive parents
  14. and how to cope?
  15. Now, I believe I found this question below
  16. on my Three Types of Narcissists video.
  17. Before we really get into this question
  18. and how we can best cope,
    there are a few things
  19. that I really wanna
    discuss with you first.
  20. Number one, when we grow up
    with a narcissistic parent,
  21. what we struggle with
    most is emotional neglect.
  22. This happens most commonly
    when a parent is a narcissist
  23. because they always put their own needs
  24. ahead of their child's.
  25. Remember, narcissism
    is when we demonstrate
  26. a pattern of grandiosity,
    need for admiration
  27. and have a lack of empathy.
  28. So having a child isn't something
    that we can emotionally do
  29. or at least not healthfully
  30. and if we need a lot of admiration
  31. and have to feel important,
  32. being a parent to a baby and a child
  33. couldn't be farther from that.
  34. Even from my very limited
    experience as a nanny
  35. and watching my friends have children,
  36. it's obvious to me that being a parent
  37. is one of the most humbling
    experiences of your life.
  38. Children cry frequently.
  39. They need most of the
    attention, care and affection.
  40. They truly cannot survive on
    their own without their parent
  41. and therefore they're
    gonna need us all the time
  42. to feed them, change them and
    also love and care for them.
  43. If we grew up with a
    parent who is narcissistic,
  44. this could mean that they
    weren't able to do anything
  45. more than keep us alive.
  46. Forget the cuddles, forget the
    patience when we were upset
  47. or even them trying to figure out
  48. what was causing us to cry.
  49. If anybody's ever watched
    a baby when they're crying,
  50. you're like what do you want, need?
  51. I bathed you, I fed you, I changed you.
  52. You're trying to figure it out.
  53. So they probably didn't do much of that.
  54. If a narcissistic parent becomes
    embarrassed by their child
  55. which happens all the time
    'cause kids cry in public,
  56. they might throw things in public,
  57. they might try to take their clothes off.
  58. You don't even know.
  59. Children are unpredictable
    but as a result,
  60. a narcissistic parent could
    lash out at their child
  61. or even at their spouse
  62. therefore this could mean that as a child
  63. you were possibly emotionally
    or physically abused
  64. or at least neglected in many ways.
  65. Now, as far as treatment for this goes,
  66. if we're out of that situation
    and we're trying to heal,
  67. we're trying to figure out
    what we should do first,
  68. I would consider trauma
    treatment to be your best option.
  69. While I do think therapy in
    general could be really helpful
  70. because it's validating, supportive
  71. and can give you a safe
    place to talk through
  72. all that happened while
    you were growing up
  73. but I think being abused
    or neglected in any way
  74. is a trauma obviously
  75. and working with someone
    who specializes in that
  76. could speed things along for you
  77. because some of the things
    that a regular therapist,
  78. not a trauma specialist would bring up
  79. might not be pertinent.
  80. You might need someone just
    to jump right in with you
  81. and start challenging you in ways
  82. that maybe you don't even know you need
  83. in order to process things through
  84. and this could be like EMDR therapy.
  85. I have a video about that
  86. if you're curious what I'm talking about.
  87. I'll link it in the
    description but these are just,
  88. there are a bunch of different
    types of trauma treatment
  89. and finding someone who specializes
  90. could be really, really great.
  91. Next, depending on whether
    the narcissistic parent
  92. was your mother or father,
  93. you may wanna consider
    picking up one of these books,
  94. The Emotionally Absent Mother,
  95. I'll link to these in the description,
  96. and The Unavailable Father.
  97. These are great.
  98. You can see all of my tabs.
  99. Great books but regardless of who it was,
  100. something we will need
    to do is to heal the hole
  101. they left in us as a child.
  102. When we don't get our emotional
    needs met as a young child
  103. or a baby, we can begin
    to not trust ourselves,
  104. not trust how we feel or
    what we think we need.
  105. We can begin to believe
    that we are making it all up
  106. or aren't important enough anyways.
  107. In most cases, having
    a narcissistic parent
  108. means you were gaslit
    for most of your life
  109. and when I talk about gaslighting,
  110. it means that you were
    manipulated so often
  111. that you may not even
    trust your own sanity
  112. or your own perception
    of certain experiences
  113. or things you know happened,
    you think maybe you made it up.
  114. Overall, whatever messages we internalize
  115. from this neglect and abuse,
  116. it's important now to do
    our best to be a detective,
  117. again this detective, I
    love being a detective,
  118. to figure out what's affecting us,
  119. what our triggers are and how we react.
  120. Being more mindful of all of
    this can give us more evidence
  121. that can really help
    lead us to our healing
  122. and my next tip is journaling
  123. or writing letters that we don't send.
  124. This is a great way to
    express all we may be feeling
  125. or felt in the past and any anger or hurt
  126. that we may have stuffed
    down for years and years.
  127. Any way to get those
    feelings out of our head
  128. is really helpful as long
    as it is safe to do so.
  129. That's why I said letters
    that you don't send.
  130. So a lot of it's just ways
    for you to express it.
  131. You can talk about it with your therapist,
  132. talk to friends about
    it, anything like that
  133. as long as it's not being trapped in here
  134. and stuffed down there and
    also if you still live at home
  135. with these narcissistic parents,
  136. please get out as soon as possible.
  137. I have an older video about this
  138. that's called Dealing With Toxic Parents.
  139. I'll link it in the description
  140. because you should really check it out
  141. and it could really help
    if you're feeling stuck
  142. in this situation because
    you still live with them
  143. and my next tip is remothering
    or refathering ourselves.
  144. Whomever it was that wasn't there for us
  145. or abused or neglected us in any way,
  146. we're gonna have to heal from that.
  147. I believe that trauma therapy
    or talk therapy in general
  148. can help with this but we'll
    need to spend some time
  149. figuring out what messages
    we wished we had received
  150. from that parent and find other ways
  151. to give it to ourselves.
  152. It could be caring for a wound
    when we've hurt ourselves
  153. like if we tripped and
    fallen and scraped our knee,
  154. we might want to care for
    that ourselves and clean it up
  155. and put a bandage on it.
  156. It could also be taking care
    of ourselves when we're sick
  157. or saying kind and loving things
    to ourselves each morning.
  158. There's that positive self-talk.
  159. You knew I was gonna
    sneak it in in some way
  160. but whatever it is and it
    may be all of those things
  161. just FYI, it could be a
    bunch of different things
  162. that you do to show love
    and care for yourselves
  163. but make sure you give
    yourself the time to do it
  164. and to heal because this
    hurt didn't happen overnight
  165. so unfortunately it's not
    gonna heal overnight either
  166. and I hope you found that helpful.
  167. I hear about these things all the time,
  168. those of us growing up
    with narcissistic parents
  169. and how painful it can be
  170. so I hope that that just
    offers a little bit of guidance
  171. on how you can begin that process
  172. but if you've been through this yourself,
  173. can you just leave us some
    tips and tricks and tools
  174. and maybe resources that you know of
  175. because together we're
    working towards a healthy mind
  176. and a healthy body and I
    will see you next time, bye.