The three overlooked factors of attraction | Brigitta Békési| TEDxGyőr

Contrary to popular belief, attractiveness is not an innate gift, but an ability (behavior) that can be acquired by anyone. In the course of her work, Brigitta Békési realised that although people do a lot of self-improvement to perfect themselves inside and out, many are not even aware at all of what exactly it takes to reach that truly engaging, captivating level of personal magnetism. In her presentation, she highlights the three certain things that people keep forgetting about attractiveness, and in applying them, an immediate impact would be felt not only in their relationships, but in other areas of their lives as well.

Brigitta Békési created the Beautyrobic training method, which has now grown into an international franchise business. She won the 'Hope of the Future' award of FIVOSZ (National Association of Young Entrepreneurs), the 'Young Entrepreneur of the Year' award of the 13th District of the Budapest Chamber of Commerce and Industry, and has been a guest speaker at several universities and conferences. In the UN Youth Delegation she represented the young entrepreneurs of Hungary, and she has been involved with almost every major domestic media outlet.

Ms. Békési was also invited to chair the Sports and Lifestyle Committee of FIVOSZ and to be the head of the Budapest Center of the American Hungarian Chamber of Commerce of New York. She was nominated for the Central European Startup Award and 'The Most Influential Woman' award. As an invited mentor, she advises young entrepreneurs in the BOSS Connect Mentor Program.

This incredible woman teaches other women how to be really attractive in the Beautyrobic classes. She wrote a book on the subject which became a bestseller and reached its third edition in nine months. It is now being prepared for the US release. People like Brian Tracy, Gábor Wolf and Nóra Szily wrote recommendations for the book.

This presentation was recorded at a TEDx event organized by a local community in the form of TED conferences, but independently of them. Read more at http://ted.com/tedx

In 1944, experiments
were performed on infants.

They were taken care of perfectly,
fed, bathed, changed,

but all forms of affection
were withheld from them.

There was no touching,
no hugging, not even a smile.

After four months the experiment
had to be stopped

because half of the infants died,
though there was no medical reason for it.

They were not given any love,
and this literally killed them.

Everybody needs love
and special attention,

and this is exactly why we all
want to be attractive to others.

However, most people
have no idea how to do it.

It is not taught in school,

even though personal appeal affects
not only our relationships

but indeed, our entire life.

Our career, our social life,
our private life,

and even the way we feel about ourselves.

People spend a lot of money
on how they look.

The fashion industry itself generates
over 3 000 billion USD in revenues,

which amounts to 2%
of the entire world’s GDP.

Fortunately, there are
many people who have realised

that it is not enough
to concentrate on looks only

and they have started to dig deeper.

They study, develop themselves,

use the services of coaches
and psychologists,

read self-improvement books

and do everything they can to achieve
harmony, both inside and out.

But they are forgetting
an important point.

Attraction is not only about us.

I have a girlfriend.

She has multiple degrees,
speaks several languages,

she is extremely successful in her job
and she also looks good on the outside.

She works out regularly,
pays attention to what she eats,

and spends an awful lot of money
on an array of beauty services.

She is 36 years old and has been
living alone for the past eight years.

When I asked her what she thought
the reason for it was,

she told me with a straight face
that she still had an extra 10 pounds on,

and when she can finally shed
this extra weight,

everything in her life
will straighten out.

I have another acquaintance.

Her situation is similar,
only the explanation is different.

She says that she is still single
because she is too smart.

She believes that men are stupid;

they do not like overly intelligent women,

because they are scared of them.

These two cases are
nothing out of the ordinary.

There are many people
who do everything they can

to become perfect, both inside and out.

But they are forgetting
one important fact.

Attraction is not a single-player game.

Attraction is not about what we are like.

Attraction is about the response
we elicit from the other person.

In other words,
it is about the other person.

About what he or she thinks about us.

When I was researching
the topic of attraction

I realised that there are three things

that have a major impact
on our personal appeal,

still people tend to overlook them.

I would like to share
these three things with you now.

The first one is attention.

If you learn to pay full attention
to the other person,

they will feel that they matter,
that they are important to you.

And we all like to be around people
who make us feel important.

Have you ever been in the company
of someone completely self-absorbed,

who did not pay any attention to you
or to anything else,

just caring about himself?

How did it make you feel?

The problem is that people tend to forget
that they need to turn to each other,

giving their full attention.

I have a story about that.

I was at a conference,
and the participants were chatting

and getting to know each other
before the program started.

I was talking with some people
in a small group

when a man approached us.

He did not care that people
were already talking to each other.

He simply butted in and started talking.

And he just kept going on and on and on.

Luckily the conference started,

so this exciting 'dialogue'
was put to an end.

At the next break I happened to join
the same group of people.

They were talking about
the previous gentleman,

about how offensive they found him,

as he did not pay attention
to anyone around him

and was so absorbed in himself alone.

I have a friend
who is exactly the opposite.

I am happy to meet her any time,

and it made me think
about what her secret might be.

What is it that makes not only me
but, I know, all our other friends

happy to spend time with her?

I realised that the only thing she did

was learn how to perfectly focus
on the person she is with.

When I talk to her, she pays attention,
looks me in the eye

and asks an open-ended
question here and there

to let me know that she is with me,
that she follows what I am saying.

So if you would like to elicit
a positive response from others,

learn to focus on them
with your full attention.

However, to pay full attention
to other people is not so simple.

Have you ever been in a situation
where someone started to talk to you,

and after a while your mind
started to wander?

This happens quite frequently,

and the problem is that
it actually shows on our face.

Our eyes glaze over,

and our partner
will immediately notice it.

But I have a tip for you,
a trick for practicing paying attention.

Yes, it is something you can practice.

In such cases it is actually
our focus that wanders,

and the ability to focus can be improved.

All you need to do is remember:

if there are several things happening
to you at the same time,

only focus on one single thing at a time
and simply turn off everything else.

And try to keep focusing
on this one particular thing

as long as possible.

This is also what you need to do
when you meet a person next time.

Try to concentrate on that one person

and disregard everything
and everybody else.

And here’s the second secret factor
that helps you be attractive to others.

To be fair, I have a confession
to make in this regard.

If I had not written
a book about attraction,

I would surely never have said

that this was something
that actually made a difference.

But when I was writing the book,

I did not want to simply
come up with something

that is put together from scraps
of information found on the Internet,

in books and encyclopaedias,
so I also did some research.

And as a part of this research

I asked men about what made
women attractive to them.

But I did not simply ask it like this,
what made women attractive to them;

my actual question was the following:

If there was a pair of equally
attractive twins,

so that looks were of no consideration,

what would they base
their choice of one or the other on?

Over 90% of the men answered

that they would choose the twin
that was kinder and more 'normal'.

This came as a surprise.

But not because I had not thought
kindness was important.

But I never would have imagined
that it counted for so much.

Indeed, kindness coming from within
makes a difference.

I am deliberately using the term
'kindness from within' here,

as I would not want you to confuse it
with fake smiles and forced grins.

That is not what I am talking about.

If someone is capable of exuding
kindness from within,

then this person will be the one
to charge your batteries,

the one talking to makes you
feel really content.

He or she will be the one who warms
your heart and gets you to do anything.

Yes, but how can you achieve this
kindness radiating from within?

As I have mentioned before,

neither fake smiles nor forced grins
will have the same effect.

The difficulty here is that only
those people exude an inner kindness,

who are capable of loving themselves,

are capable of being kind
to themselves and also to others.

The problem is that most people
do not even realise

that they are being negative.

They are critical of their own self
and also of others.

They are simply negative.

It is often said about Hungarians
as a whole that we are so negative,

but I believe that negativity
and being critical

are only bad habits that we adopt
and that can be changed at any time.

This is exactly why
I would like to ask you to do this:

when you walk along the street
next time, take out your phone,

push 'Record', and say
all your thoughts out loud.

Do not filter them,
do not think about them,

just say whatever comes to your mind.

Then, when you get home,
take a piece of paper,

draw two columns,

one for your positive
and one for your negative thoughts,

and count them.

If you find that you have
too many negative thoughts,

start consciously paying
attention to that.

Start paying attention
to not being critical of other people

but finding what is good in everyone.

I know that this will feel
quite forced at the beginning,

but trust me: it is exactly
like having a good laugh.

When you do not really feel like laughing

but still make an effort
and force yourself to start laughing,

after a while you might actually find
yourself rolling with laughter.

The same thing happens here.

It might be somewhat stilted
at the beginning,

but after a while
it will become second nature.

And the time will come
when your appeal changes

and you start radiating
a kindness from within

that others will not be able to resist.

And this is still only the second factor.

But there is also a third one.

The real deal.

But before I share it with you,
I would like you to understand this.

Everybody, from their birth
to their deathbed,

has the closest relationship
with their own self.

We spend the most time in our own company.

This is why whom we find attractive

does not depend
on objective considerations,

but rather on our subjective
view of the person.

Indeed, everything depends
on how we subjectively see someone.

Let me bring you an example
to better illustrate my point.

Imagine me telling you

that there is a special kind of chocolate
that is the best in the whole world.

All the people I have given
a square loved it

and told me that it was
the best chocolate ever.

It is made of the best,
highest quality ingredients,

so we can say that it is definitely
the best chocolate there is.

And I tell you that I have
a bar of it with me.

I take it out, break off a square
and hand it over to you,

and I ask you to have a taste.

You taste it and it is terrible.

You actually find it awful.

So will this chocolate be good for you?

No.

To you, this chocolate
will not taste right.

It does not matter that objectively
it should taste great,

you will not find it delicious.

And the exact same goes for attraction.

Someone might be objectively
attractive, both inside and out.

If he or she does not have
that particular effect on you,

then you will not find them attractive.

And exactly for this reason,

if you would like to make an impact
by being attractive to others,

the most important thing to do

is to learn how to make a positive
impression on other people.

You can make a positive impression
on people primarily by inspiring them.

Inspiration, by definition, is the act
of stimulation to do or feel something.

But imagine meeting someone
with whom you can laugh

as hard as you have ever laughed before,

to the point, where it makes
your stomach hurt.

Would you not like to meet them again?

Or imagine someone who sings
in such a beautiful voice

that you get goosebumps.

Would you not like to hear them again?

Or imagine someone
teaching you such interesting things

that after talking to them
for half an hour

you feel that you have learned more
than during your entire education.

Would you not like to meet
them again and again?

Well, this is the power of inspiration.

I have good news.

Inspiration affects our appeal
not only when we inspire others

but also when someone else inspires us.

There was a research study
conducted with students.

The participants were split into three
groups, and they had to go on dates.

People in the first group always
had to contradict their respective dates.

So if someone’s date said 'I love pizza',

he or she had to counter by saying
'Gee, I really do not like it at all'.

Or, if he said 'Budapest is the most
beautiful city in the world',

she had to say 'Not for me,
I do not like Budapest at all'.

The students in the second group
were told to agree with everything.

So if someone’s date said 'I love pizza',

he or she had to say
'Oh, really? Come on! Me, too!'.

Or if he said 'Budapest is the most
beautiful city in the world',

she had to say 'Is it seriously
your favourite? It is mine, too.'

And there was the third group,

where the participants
first had to contradict

and then agree with their dates.

Not surprisingly,

the people who contradicted
their partners in everything

turned out to be the least likable.

But the most likeable people

were not those who always
agreed with their dates,

but those who first contradicted
them, but then finally agreed.

And this is because their dates felt
like they had made an impact

and they changed their opinions
because of them.

So they started to see them attractive.

So inspiration,

whether we are at the giving
or the receiving end,

affects our appeal.

But how exactly do you inspire others?

Well, it might seem simple,
but it really is not.

Dare to be yourself.

Do not be afraid to show
who you really are.

Do not be afraid to be passionate,

do not be afraid to show your real self.

It has historically been proven
that people never make their decisions

on a rational, but rather
on an emotional basis.

We do not look at what
the other person says,

but rather look for nonverbal signs.

And this is why, if you present
yourself as you really are,

you will be able to inspire others.

I am sure you have all heard of Casanova.

But what was his secret?

Casanova wasn’t handsome
or especially intelligent,

and yet he could seduce anyone he wanted.

Any idea why?

When he had his sights on someone,
he could focus 100% on her,

and he was completely
oblivious to other women.

He paid attention to her,
he was kind to her,

he inspired her and let her inspire him;

overall he made a positive
impression on her.

He made her feel that she was
the one and only for him,

and this is what made him so irresistible.

Do you remember my girlfriend
I told you about?

The problem with her
is not the 10 pounds extra on her.

There is nothing wrong with her,
either inside or out.

She is simply so absorbed in her career,

in continuously trying to improve
herself inside and out,

that she forgets about other people.

So if you want to be attractive
to others, be kind.

Pay attention to other people.

Inspire them, and let them inspire you.

And then, even though they may
not be able to explain why,

they will feel that you are somehow
different, that you stand out.

You are special, you are one of a kind.

So they will want to be
in your company again,

and again,

and again,

and again.

Thank you for your attention.

(Applause)