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← BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER: In a relationship with someone with BPD | Kati Morton

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  1. - Hey everybody.
  2. Today, we're gonna talk about
  3. how to healthily be in a relationship
  4. with someone who has borderline
    personality disorder.
  5. Before we jump into this important topic,
  6. are you new to my channel?
  7. Welcome.
  8. I release videos on
    Mondays and on Thursdays
  9. all about mental health,
  10. so make sure you're subscribed
  11. and have your notifications
    turned on so you don't miss out.
  12. Now first, as always,
  13. let's define what borderline
    personality disorder,
  14. or BPD, really is,
  15. and what it can mean for
    those in relationships
  16. with someone who has it.
  17. Now, BPD is a mental illness
  18. marked by an ongoing
    pattern of varying moods,
  19. self-image, and behavior.
  20. These symptoms often
    result in impulsive actions
  21. and problems in relationships.
  22. Some of the symptoms I'm talking about
  23. are intense fear of rejection,
    separation, or abandonment;
  24. rapid changes between
    thinking someone's perfect
  25. to believing they're evil;
  26. risky behaviors including
    unsafe sex, gambling,
  27. drug use, or accumulating
    credit card debt;
  28. threats of suicide or self-harm;
  29. difficulty empathizing with other people;
  30. mood swings from euphoria
  31. to intense shame or self-criticism;
  32. and frequently losing one's temper.
  33. People with borderline
    personality disorder
  34. tend to view things in extremes
    such as all good or all bad,
  35. and their opinions of other people
  36. can also change really quickly.
  37. An individual who's
    seen as a friend one day
  38. may be considered an enemy
    or a traitor the next.
  39. And these shifting feelings can lead
  40. to intense and unstable relationships.
  41. I've often referred to those with BPD
  42. as emotional burn victims
  43. because they feel everything
    in life very intensely
  44. and are sensitive to any
    shifts or perceived wrongs.
  45. And I also feel it's important to mention
  46. that BPD is called other
    things in other countries
  47. and in some blogs online.
  48. Some refer to BPD as emotionally unstable
  49. personality disorder or
    emotion disregulation disorder,
  50. but as far as I know and
    was taught in school,
  51. borderline personality disorder
  52. is the only actual diagnosis.
  53. Even if we call it something else,
  54. it still shows the same symptoms of BPD.
  55. Also, if you want to learn
    the full diagnostic criteria
  56. for BPD, you can click the
    link in the description
  57. for my video all about it.
  58. Now, as I'm sure you can see,
  59. it could be really hard
    to be in a relationship
  60. with someone who has BPD
  61. because they can be impulsive,
    easily upset, and reactive.
  62. But there are some tools
    that we can utilize
  63. to ensure a much healthier
    and happier situation.
  64. And my first tool?
  65. Learn about borderline
    personality disorder.
  66. How can we manage something
    that we don't even understand?
  67. We can't.
  68. So we need to talk with our
    loved one about their BPD
  69. and how they're experiencing it.
  70. Because everyone's gonna be different
  71. and they'll struggle
    with different symptoms
  72. more than others.
  73. So talk with them.
  74. Seek to understand, not judge.
  75. There are also two books
    that I always recommend
  76. to those who are close
    to someone with BPD.
  77. They are, number one, I
    Hate You, Don't Leave Me,
  78. and number two, Stop Walking on Eggshells.
  79. They're both great for
    understanding the diagnosis,
  80. but also how we can
    better manage the symptoms
  81. that are hurting our relationship.
  82. And I will link those in the description
  83. if you want to click over
    and buy those for yourself.
  84. Number two, trying to keep
    your home life with them
  85. as calm and relaxed as possible.
  86. I know it's not always possible,
    but just doing our best
  87. because those with BPD do really well
  88. in situations that are predictable.
  89. So keeping home life as
    upset-free as possible is best,
  90. and it can often mitigate any
    crisis they may be feeling.
  91. Also, if they're in crisis mode,
  92. it's not a good time to bring up any issue
  93. you may be having with them
  94. or tell them they need to get help.
  95. Remaining calm and relaxed
    until the crisis passes is best,
  96. and then you can bring up something
  97. that may be upsetting you.
  98. Number three, now if
    we're gonna talk with them
  99. about something that is upsetting us,
  100. that moves us into our next
    tip, keeping it simple.
  101. Since those with BPD can
    be constantly reacting
  102. out of their emotion mind,
  103. meaning not their very
    logical or reasonable one,
  104. it will be hard for them to actually hear
  105. and understand what you're saying
  106. without getting upset
    and lashing back at you.
  107. They can even take simple statements
  108. and turn them into personal attacks.
  109. So instead of always fighting
  110. or feeling like we can't every speak up,
  111. just keep it simple.
  112. by keeping our sentences
    short, simple, and direct,
  113. you'll give them a chance
    to actually hear you
  114. and hopefully not react,
  115. but respond with understanding and love.
  116. Number four, creating and
    upholding healthy boundaries.
  117. Those with BPD need boundaries.
  118. Setting a boundary can sometimes
  119. snap them out of their delusional thinking
  120. because they often turn one thing you did
  121. into a much larger issue
  122. or take something you said out of context
  123. and then get more angry about it.
  124. So by holding up healthy
    and reasonable boundaries,
  125. you prevent them from spiraling
  126. into their black and
    white thinking pattern
  127. and making things a lot worse.
  128. And in all honesty, as a clinician
  129. who works with a lot of BPD patients,
  130. it makes them feel better
  131. and it calms them down more quickly.
  132. So a little tough love and
    a little boundary setting
  133. can go a long, long way.
  134. My fifth tip, calling their bluff.
  135. Surprisingly, I promise,
    it's also really helpful.
  136. But just before I get into that,
  137. creating boundaries
    and calling their bluff
  138. both require that you build
    up their self-esteem first,
  139. meaning we can't enter
    a relationship with them
  140. calling them on their shit
  141. and telling them that
    they're crossing a boundary.
  142. We can't do that out of the blue.
  143. We have to let them know we care first
  144. and can see all the
    wonderful traits about them.
  145. I mean, after all, there is a reason
  146. that you're in a relationship
    with them, right?
  147. Once you've done that,
  148. you need to learn to be
    assertive, hold your ground.
  149. It's okay to say you didn't do
  150. what they're claiming you did
  151. and you won't engage in
    that sort of a conversation.
  152. Or you can tell them that they're blowing
  153. this whole thing way out of proportion.
  154. If we always give in to them
  155. when they're engaging
    in their BPD behavior,
  156. it will only make things worse.
  157. Because think about it, we're
    creating a cycle, right?
  158. If they believe that what
    they're saying is true
  159. and we react out of it,
    we're almost sabotaging it
  160. and telling them yes, I did act like this,
  161. and yes, I am a jerk.
  162. If we just hold our ground and say no,
  163. we can stop that cycle
    from getting started.
  164. Also, I think it's
    really important to know
  165. that giving them control all the time
  166. doesn't end up making them feel better
  167. or more safe or secure.
  168. It actually causes the opposite to happen.
  169. So calling them on
    their misinterpretations
  170. and black and white thinking sounds crazy,
  171. but I promise you, it's best.
  172. Number six, take their suicide
  173. or self-injury threats seriously.
  174. I know these are common
    among those with BPD,
  175. and many see these threats as manipulative
  176. and done for attention,
    but what you don't know
  177. is that roughly 10% of those
    with BPD die from suicide,
  178. which means that if they're threatening
  179. to kill or harm themselves,
  180. or even if they're just telling you
  181. they've been thinking
    about it or planning it,
  182. we need to get some
    professional help involved ASAP.
  183. Call 911 or the National Suicide Hotline.
  184. In short, recognize that
    they are in deep, deep pain
  185. and express your concern
  186. while still maintaining
    your healthy boundaries.
  187. Number seven, encouraging
    them to seek therapy.
  188. Unlike a lot of other diagnoses,
  189. most BPD people welcome
    the idea of therapy,
  190. and I believe this is
    because they're uncomfortable
  191. with how they feel
  192. and would love to find
    a way to make that stop,
  193. which is why there is hope
  194. and many people with BPD do fully recover.
  195. I just want you to hear that.
  196. Many people with BPD do fully recover,
  197. so supporting them in these efforts
  198. can be great for your
    lasting relationship.
  199. Now DBT has been shown
  200. to be the most effective
    type of treatment.
  201. We've talked about that before.
  202. But if it's not available, CBT can help,
  203. Schema therapy can help,
  204. attachment-based therapies have
    been shown to work as well,
  205. and also, some medication options.
  206. The most important thing
  207. is that this treatment
    is regularly scheduled
  208. and we understand that it'll be long-term.
  209. But just as a reminder,
  210. don't bring this up when you're fighting
  211. or in the middle of a crisis.
  212. Wait until things are calmer
  213. and you can actually
    talk with them about it
  214. in a loving and supportive way,
  215. showing that you really care
  216. and that's why you want
    them to get help and support
  217. because you want your
    relationship to grow.
  218. Number eight, get outside
    emotional support for you.
  219. We all need this in relationships,
  220. but especially if we're trying to remain
  221. calm and supportive,
  222. maybe even when we don't
    really feel like doing that.
  223. Having other friends and family members
  224. that we can lean on when we
    need it is really important.
  225. Make time for that as well as
    some regular self-care time.
  226. This will allow you to be strong
  227. and assertive when you need to
  228. and to keep your relationship
    happy and healthy.
  229. I would also encourage you to
    get into therapy for yourself.
  230. This will not only be a safe place
  231. for you to get the support you need,
  232. but it allows you to talk
    about your relationship
  233. without any judgment or pressure.
  234. You can get some helpful tools
    for managing crises or upsets
  235. and you can also learn how to
    place and uphold boundaries
  236. and how to lovingly be
    assertive with them.
  237. Overall, loving someone with
    BPD can be difficult at times,
  238. but it can also be really rewarding,
  239. just like any relationship.
  240. And by learning how to clearly communicate
  241. and diffuse any crisis situation
  242. should allow your relationship
    to grow and thrive.
  243. This video has been brought to you
  244. by the kinions on Patreon.
  245. If you would like to support the creation
  246. of these mental health videos,
  247. click the link in the
    description and check it out.
  248. And I hope these tips are helpful
  249. and give you the tools you need
  250. to strengthen that relationship.
  251. But as always, what do you think?
  252. How have you helped
    your loved one with BPD?
  253. Or if you have BPD, what's
    worked in your relationships?
  254. Let me know in those comments down below
  255. and I will see you next time.
  256. Bye.