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← How to Tell if You’re Being Manipulated [CC English & Español] | Kati Morton

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  1. - Hey everybody, today
    we're going to talk about

  2. manipulation, and how to know
    if it's happening to you.
  3. But before we jump into that,
    are you new to my channel?
  4. Welcome; I release videos
    on Mondays and on Thursdays,
  5. so make sure you're subscribed
  6. and have those notifications turned on
  7. so that you don't miss out.
  8. Now let's jump into today's topic
  9. and let's start by defining
    the term manipulation.
  10. Because, I find that
    people use it all the time,
  11. and I just want to ensure that we are all
  12. talking and thinking
    about the very same thing.
  13. Now, to manipulate is
    to control or play upon
  14. by artful, unfair, or insidious means,
  15. especially to one's own advantage.
  16. And I'd also like to
    consider what it means
  17. when use the term manipulation
  18. when it comes to objects, not people.
  19. Like if I was going to manipulate
    some clay with my hands,
  20. I am shaping it in a way
    that pleases or serves me.
  21. So hopefully that gives
    you like another idea
  22. of what the term manipulation truly means.
  23. Now that we've defined
    the term manipulation,
  24. let's get into how we can tell
  25. if we are being manipulated
    by someone else.
  26. And first and foremost,
    it's a feeling we can get.
  27. Like, have you ever just felt
  28. like something was off with someone?
  29. Or the way that they interacted with you
  30. was just a little weird?
  31. Maybe you felt pressure by them
  32. to do things that you
    don't really wanna do.
  33. Or you find yourself questioning
    your memory or perception
  34. more than usual.
  35. Those are all red flags
    that could indicate
  36. that you're being manipulated.
  37. Now that rolls into my
    very first warning sign,
  38. that you question yourself a lot.
  39. Remember that video I did a
    while ago about gaslighting?
  40. Well, gaslighting is
    a form of manipulation
  41. in which a person will tell you
  42. that the way you remembered something,
  43. an experience, a situation,
    is completely incorrect.
  44. Or that the experience you swear you had
  45. never really happened.
  46. They will psychologically manipulate us
  47. to the point where we can feel
  48. like we can't even trust
    ourselves or our own mind.
  49. It can make you think that
    you've gone completely crazy.
  50. So if you find yourself having to
  51. defend your own memory of things,
  52. or questioning yourself more than usual,
  53. it could be a sign that
    you're being manipulated.
  54. Red flag number two: if you
    feel guilty or bad all the time,
  55. no matter what you do, it
    never seems to please them.
  56. They are always upset, disappointed,
  57. or blaming you for something.
  58. This can get so bad that we may even feel
  59. like we are walking on
    eggshells around them.
  60. They may even play with our emotions,
  61. telling us how hard
    things have been for them,
  62. and that they wouldn't ask us to do this
  63. if they had any other option.
  64. You can also feel scared a lot,
  65. because they are coercing
    you into doing things
  66. that you really don't wanna do.
  67. And when you go and do that
    thing, you may be scared
  68. that you'll get caught
    or hurt while doing it.
  69. And that's why it's so
    important to pay attention
  70. to how you feel around
    people in your life.
  71. Do you feel happy,
    safe, free, and relaxed?
  72. Or scared, guilty, and obligated?
  73. Start paying attention, so
    you can protect yourself
  74. from anyone who may be
    trying to manipulate you.
  75. Red flag number three, as I've kind of
  76. briefly discussed in the others,
  77. is that they'll somehow
    get you to do things
  78. that you wouldn't normally do.
  79. People who manipulate
    others will often start
  80. by asking you to do a
    small favor for them,
  81. and work up to asking you
    for bigger and bigger things.
  82. They could first just ask you
  83. to lie to your boss about
    where they went, you know,
  84. just this once, and tell you
    that they had an emergency.
  85. And you wouldn't normally lie,
  86. but it's only this once,
    and it's for a good reason.
  87. Their asks could build
    up slowly and slowly
  88. until you're engaging in things
  89. that you would never have done before.
  90. They can also gaslight you
  91. in conjunction with this warning sign
  92. in order to get you to do what they want.
  93. So again, it's important to notice
  94. how often you are questioning
  95. your own recollection of a situation.
  96. Oh, and not all manipulators
    will start with a small ask.
  97. Some will ask you for a
    big, huge, ridiculous favor,
  98. knowing that you will say no,
  99. only to then hit you up
    for something smaller.
  100. Because they made such an
    outrageous ask the first time,
  101. we are even more likely to say yes
  102. to the smaller ask afterwards,
  103. even if it's something that
    we really don't want to do
  104. or aren't comfortable doing.
  105. Red flag number four: they put you down
  106. as often as they can.
  107. It could be how you dress, or
    what restaurant you picked.
  108. Anything they can criticize, they will.
  109. Just like the favors they ask,
    this usually starts small,
  110. and builds up until they're
    pretty much bullying us.
  111. Since most of us don't have
  112. the best or most positive self talk,
  113. it can be easy for us to agree with them,
  114. or to become extremely
    self conscious as a result.
  115. Slowly but surely we will
    lose our own self confidence
  116. and feel less empowered
    to stand up for ourselves,
  117. which can only make
    the manipulation worse.
  118. Because of that, master manipulators
  119. will often do this first,
    as a way of ensuring
  120. their control over us more long-term.
  121. So make sure that the people in your life
  122. are speaking kindly to
    you, and lifting you up.
  123. Not taking cheap shots,
    and putting you down
  124. whenever they feel like it.
  125. And the fifth and final red flag
  126. that you may be being manipulated
  127. is emotional blackmail.
  128. Now, I find this form of manipulation
  129. isn't talked about as
    often, and that could be
  130. because it's not happening as frequently.
  131. Or what I suspect, is that people
  132. don't even know it's happening,
  133. and they get too wrapped up in the moment
  134. to consider that they're being used.
  135. Emotional blackmail is when someone states
  136. that they will kill themself if you leave,
  137. or they will die if you break up with them
  138. or if you happen to leave them.
  139. They use this threat as
    a way to control you,
  140. and to get them to do what they want.
  141. I personally see this online a lot
  142. when people reach out to celebrities,
  143. or even other YouTubers,
  144. saying they'll kill themselves
    if they don't respond.
  145. But this happens in real life as well,
  146. and they do this in order to
    keep you under their control,
  147. and make you feel guilty or shameful
  148. if you don't cater your
    life towards their needs.
  149. Now this form of
    manipulation is very toxic,
  150. and should be completely
    avoided at all costs,
  151. if you're able to,
    because no one's wellbeing
  152. is completely your responsibility.
  153. We're all responsible for ourselves,
  154. our choices, and our life.
  155. Now, I could keep talking about
  156. more and more red flags
    of manipulation all day,
  157. but what's really important is how we can
  158. get out of it and save ourselves.
  159. So let's get into what we can do.
  160. Now first, if you are
    ever feeling manipulated
  161. or hurt by someone you're
    in a relationship with,
  162. know that you don't have to
    continue that relationship.
  163. And if it's not safe, you don't even
  164. have to tell them why.
  165. But you can, and I do recommend,
  166. trying to talk to them, if it's safe.
  167. But if it's not, don't do it.
  168. Just know that you deserve
    to have relationships
  169. that are filled with joy, love,
  170. and mutual respect, not manipulation.
  171. Now my first tip is to get into therapy.
  172. If someone has been putting us down,
  173. making us feel responsible
    for their wellbeing,
  174. or getting us to do things that
  175. we really didn't want to do,
  176. it's going to take some healing.
  177. And we need to do that
    healing in a safe place
  178. where no one else will hear about it
  179. and there isn't any judgment.
  180. Now since manipulation can lead us
  181. to doing things we didn't want to do,
  182. the shame and embarrassment we may feel
  183. can make therapy really, really hard,
  184. but also very necessary.
  185. We are going to have to heal from
  186. any possible trauma we sustained,
  187. but also help us relearn how
    to speak kindly to ourselves,
  188. and trust ourselves again.
  189. So be patient with this process.
  190. You weren't manipulated in one day,
  191. so healing is going to take
    more than one day as well.
  192. Number two, boundaries.
  193. I'm sure you know this one was coming,
  194. but boundaries are so important
    in all of our relationships.
  195. There are things that
    we will be okay with,
  196. and other things we won't
    be comfortable with.
  197. And learning how to recognize
    what's okay and not okay
  198. can take some time.
  199. So start being more
    mindful of how you feel,
  200. when you feel uncomfortable,
  201. or pushed to do something
    you don't wanna do.
  202. And know that it's okay to say no.
  203. You can practice this in therapy,
  204. and even spend time with your therapist
  205. talking through scenarios,
  206. and whether or not you think
    that they are okay for you.
  207. And yes I know, setting
    up healthy boundaries
  208. is going to take
    practice, so be open to it
  209. being a trial and error sort
    of process as we get used to
  210. feeling out what's okay
    for us and what's not.
  211. Because we might not have
    any idea to start off with,
  212. and that's okay, that's what a therapist
  213. and supportive friends and family are for.
  214. Number three, giving yourself
    time to make decisions.
  215. Manipulative people will often
  216. try to get us to sign contracts,
    purchase things right now,
  217. or make plans that can't be changed
  218. in that very same moment.
  219. So giving yourself time to consider
  220. what you're signing up for,
  221. and ask any questions you may have,
  222. can prevent you from getting sucked into
  223. something that you don't
    want to be a part of.
  224. And so know that you can take a breather.
  225. You can think about it.
  226. You can get back to them tomorrow.
  227. If someone's pushing
    you and pushing always
  228. to make decisions in the moment
    right now (snaps fingers),
  229. something's wrong; that's
    not how life really works.
  230. Sure, every once in a blue moon
  231. something will happen
    that's really last minute
  232. and we have to decide
    right then and there.
  233. But that's not usual.
  234. You should usually be
    able to take your time,
  235. consider all the options
    and what's best for you,
  236. and then make the decision.
  237. So just pay attention, and know
  238. that you have all the time you need
  239. to make proper decisions
    that work for you.
  240. I hope you found that information helpful.
  241. I know it can be really hard
    to navigate toxic relationships
  242. or know what red flags we
    should be looking out for.
  243. And I have an entire chapter in my book,
  244. Are U OK? A Guide to Caring
    for Your Mental Health,
  245. and that whole chapter is all about
  246. toxic relationships and what we can do
  247. to better notice them and
    get out of them safely.
  248. And as always, leave in
    the comments down below
  249. other things that maybe I've missed
  250. or that you wish I'd mentioned,
  251. or what's helped you get out of
  252. these toxic and unhealthy,
    manipulative relationships.
  253. And I will see you next time, bye.