Addressing The Myths About Abusive Relationships w/Illymation | Kati Morton

- Hey everybody I am joined
by Ilyssa from Illymation.

Tell my audience a little bit about

what you do on your channel.

It's super cool it's obviously animation.

- Animation.

Hi guys my names Ilyssa and
I run the channel Illymation

and I tell animated stories about my life,

but usually not as fun ones

but I promise you'll learn something.

- I think they're fun.
- I think they're fun.

- I like them very much.

- Thank you.
- Yeah.

And so she share's her own stories

and something that you talked about,

it's been a while now since
you've talked about it

but about being in an abusive
relationship in the past

and how she knew it was
happening, how you coped,

her story, and so today I
really wanted to address

'cause I know we have many out there

and community members who
have struggled themselves,

is I wanna address some of
the misconceptions people

have about it.
- Yes.

- And the first one I wanna jump into is

that you'll just know.

- Yeah.

- Like right away, you'll be
like this person's a jerkwad

and I don't wanna see them anymore.

- And you'll be like, okay well,

I remember doing percentages in my head.

I'd be like, well they're like 60% bad

but the 40% is still there, what do I do?

- Oh interesting.

- Yeah, I would rationalize it,

I know that's a key word now.

- Yeah of course.

I think the reason this is a misconception

is because it's slow.

- It is.

- It starts with manipulation,
gaslighting like,

"That didn't happen that way remember?"

"You don't understand."

- Or like "I didn't mean it."

- "I was just drunk, I
never act like that."

"I'll never do it again."

Any kind of justification,
manipulation, gaslighting,

all that stuff goes on and
it's like you said in the video

that we did on her channel,
we did a video over there.

- Check it out.
- It'll be in the description.

Is like a frog in a pot,
if you haven't heard that--

- Boiling water--
- Yeah, what do you call that?

- Frog in boiling water,

- Is it like an analogy?
- Metaphor?

- Metaphor.
- Something like that.

- It like slowly turn up the water

and the frog will not get out they'll die.

And I know that's horrible,
but it makes so much sense,

that's how manipulation and
abusive relationships happen

is it's slow.

- Yeah, rarely is it like you
throw a frog in boiling water

cause then they'll know
this is unsafe let me leave.

- But abusive people know,
put the frog in normal water

and just turn up the heat
slowly and it won't even notice.

- Until it becomes normal.

- Until it becomes very normal.

You're like, this stings a
little bit but it's still fine.

- Yeah, exactly!

It's not like you walk
in on your first date

and they punch you in the face.

- No, yeah, and if they do
you should find some help.

- Like walk away.

- And you know to walk
away, it's very easy

but relationships are so much harder.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Another misconception
that I hear a lot online

and I don't know if you'd agree
is that kinda like we said

a punch in the face, I think
a lot of people assume abuse

is physical only.

- Yeah, yeah, and I think
abusive people know that too

and so they know like, "Okay
well I'm not hitting you

therefore it's not abuse."

- Totally, like "There's no marks."

- There's no marks or
words don't mean anything.

- Exactly and I think
that also I've learned

kind of in this same realm is like,

Oh but he's my boyfriend,
just 'cause I didn't want

to have sex and we had sex

that doesn't mean it's rape or assault.

And it's that same kind of thing of,

we assume that abuse
only looks like one thing

and only happens in one situation
but that's not the truth,

there's emotional abuse,
there's sexual abuse,

consent always is important
I don't care if I've been

in a relationship for 25 years

and we've been married for five years,

it doesn't really matter I
still have to consent to it.

Abuse happens in many forms,
there is emotional abuse,

physical abuse, sexual
abuse, and there's even,

if you're a child, neglect or elder,

it's not taking care of your basic needs

or if someone's withholding money

there can be financial abuse.

- Yeah, oh my gosh.

- So just don't think
that abuse can only look

and feel like one thing.

- And you can have I think,
more than one happening.

I mean I didn't talk about
this a ton but there was

a bit of financial abuse.

When I, I used to work just
minimum wage high school job

and he wasn't working and
so when I would get paid

he'd be like I wanna play
that new video game with you

can you buy it because
you're the one with money

and there were a lot of
things that I paid for

that just make my stomach turn now.

It was a weird thing with
like, oh well emotional abuse

is this, this, and this it
can't overlap with other things.

But it can.
- They can overlap.

A lot of times there's all
types of abuse going on

at the same time, so just
know that what you're feeling,

what you're going through is valid.

It's still abuse, it doesn't have to look

and sound just like
someone else's experience

it's still important and you
still deserve to get help.

- Yeah and if it just
makes you uncomfortable,

you'll have this feeling
of this ain't right.

If you're just questioning,
wait is that not right?

It's just still worth
looking into, reevaluating.

- Agreed.
- Yeah.

- Totally.

And the next misconception
I wanna role into

is that it only happens to women.

- Yes, oh my gosh.

- It can happen to anybody.

It's like we talk about
mental illness for example,

like it doesn't care how old
you are, what gender you are,

or what anything about
you, creed, religion,

it doesn't matter, it doesn't discriminate

for better or for worse
and abuse doesn't either.

- No.

- Men can be abused as well.

I think honestly, the issue is

there's a compounded affect
of shame or embarrassment,

like I shouldn't have let this happen.

- Because this doesn't happen to men.

What do you mean it happened to me?

No, no way!

- Yeah.

- And it really, it's right
now, we're just beginning

the conversation I think socially

with the Me Too movement,
with videos like these.

The conversation is just starting

and people have kind of started accepting,

yeah it happens to women,
but for men they're like,

hold on a minute we just
started the conversation.

But no we need to have that conversation.

- Yeah, and that's why I really loved,

I don't know if you remember this but,

when the MeToo movement was
just happening there were

a few men that spoke out.

- I remember Terry Crews,
- That's exactly,

- He was the biggest one, yeah.

And he got so much backlash!

- And he's a huge dude, right?

A big yolk dude
- Yeah, he's muscular!

- But that doesn't make
him immune to abuse

and people can still take advantage.

And that was really heartbreaking
but I was really glad

that he spoke up because
hopefully that opened up the gates

for other people to be like, yeah, me too!

- Yeah!

- And the final misconception,
but there's a lot more

that we're gonna talk
about so hang in there,

is that you should've known better.

- Yes.

- Like you should've seen
it by looking at them.

Why didn't you just leave right away?

- Yeah or like at the first
warning sign you should've known

all of this bad stuff would happen to you.

- Yeah.

- And that's something
that, I mean me as a victim

that's what I think about
too, but I was like,

I thought about logging
off and never coming online

ever again at this point.

God I should have went through with that,

only if I had known!

- But then that's like
that guilt-shame spiral

that we just, (hums descending tones)

Again, like we talked
about at the beginning,

that boiling water--

- Yeah, yeah.

- It's really slow and
you can't negate the fact

that you cared about the person

and that there was love there.

- And it wasn't always like that either.

- No, and no one's 100% bad.

It's not like there are
these nasty villains

that look a certain way and we can know.

It's like small little things
over time that wear us down.

- Snowballing.

- Yeah, it's almost
like a stone with water,

slowly wears us down and
I think that the more

we as people not in abusive relationships,

as well as people in situations
like this understand this

the more we can encourage
people to get help sooner.

- Yeah, yeah.

- 'Cause it's that guilt
and shame that holds people

in abusive situations for so long.

I don't know if you've ever
talked about on your channel,

I don't think so but like the abuse cycle.

Or the cycle of violence
some people call it,

but it's like so there's the crisis phase

which is when something actually happens.

- Awful.
- Whether they shout at you,

- One big event,
- Exactly.

- Really shocks you.

- And you're like, oh my God, oh my God,

followed immediately
by the honeymoon phase

where they're like--
- I'm so sorry.

- I would never do this,

I don't know what I was thinking.

You know me better than that.

- And from what I know some gaslighting

that's like, you know I
didn't mean to do any of that

and it just happened.

- Or they make justifications,

but you got me all hyped up
'cause you said this and--

- You, you, you, it was all you.

Yeah, it was like,

maybe next time I won't get
so mad if you don't do that.

- Exactly and so that is
kinda followed by that,

then there's this kind of waiting period

where it can be kind of calm for a minute

and then we go into tension building

which is that eggshell walking

and then we go round and round.

And so I think it's
important to understand that

that's why we get caught
in it because it's not like

it's abuse, abuse, abuse,
it's like I'm so sorry,

if I do that again I'll kill myself

and all this manipulation.

- Like I'm just pathetic,
I think that's why I do it.

- I don't know how you stay with me it's-

- Yes, Oh my God.

- So it just gets you caught.

- It's visceral right now.

- But I think a lot of people are like,

"Why didn't you just leave?"

- Well I think the thing is
to is that everyone believes,

I know some people ask
me do you forgive him?

And honestly I don't because
there were so many times

that he said I'm sorry please forgive me,

if you don't forgive me I'm gonna.

And so I know what forgiveness
does for these people,

it makes them feel
justified, it makes them go,

"Alright cool I can go do it again."

Or "Cool I can go do it to somebody else."

So for me I can't forgive
him for doing any of that

'cause I know what
forgiveness means to him.

That's how you really get caught in it,

because people say just say
sorry and just forgive them

and just get over it.

- It's not that easy.
- It's not that easy,

and somethings don't
need your forgiveness.

- No and some people don't earn it.

- No and you need to earn
it, you need to change,

but they don't change.

And that's the thing, and I think

that's important to understand.

I've talked about this a
little bit on my channel

but I think it's really
important to address it here,

is a lot of people I know in my community

have been like, well they might change

and they might get better

and what if I wanna come
back to the relationship?

I'm gonna leave now, but
then maybe I can come back--

- Yeah and maybe he'll
be better in a few years.

- Yeah and sure, part of my career

is that I believe people can
change but not on your dime.

It's not up to you to
be like, oh did they,

are they really working hard enough,

maybe I'll just try this again.

You deserve better.

Let them if they wanna get better, kudos.

If they wanna ask for forgiveness
later when they've changed

that's awesome, that doesn't
mean that they deserve

a second chance with
you in a relationship.

- It doesn't mean that
you have to hang out

with them either or be around them.

They're like, "Well I said I changed

and I should be able to
be around you again."

No.

- No, you can say, I
forgive you if you do,

or you can say thank you,

- Thank you for reevaluating.

- Or you don't have to
say anything at all,

you can completely leave and ghost them

and you should change your number

and change your routines,
keep yourself safe.

Yeah, so I just kinda
wanted to address that

'cause I think a lot of
people assume that you know,

but what if I wanna get back?

And it's also okay and we
talk about this in the video

on Ilyssa's channel is that
it's okay to miss them,

it's okay to still be in love with them,

we just have to give
ourselves time to process it.

- 'Cause it was a
relationship, it was not good,

it was not healthy but it
still was a relationship

between two people.

- Yeah and just know that that's okay.

It's okay to be sad,
it's okay to miss them,

that doesn't negate what happened

and that doesn't put you at fault,

that's just part of the process.

So how did you get out?

How did you get help?

I think that's kind of
important for people to hear

so they know that it's possible.

- I have to say one
thing I really regretted

is when it all ended for
me and to be clear it ended

in 2015 and it is currently 2019,

so this has been over for four years

and so I've been in the
healing process for four years.

The first I wanna say, two years,

I don't think I saw a therapist

and I really wish I should
have because I just had

so many questions and I
also just started college

and so I didn't have that
many close friends around me,

my parents were back home

and what a crazy conversation we did have

but for me I needed to talk to a therapist

and I really wish I had sooner.

I did, again yeah, two
years later in 2017,

I've been seeing a therapist
since which is really nice

and if you can't afford it
I'd very much consider it

and you can go to psychology
today.com/ therapist

or there's some search bar
that says find a therapist--

- It'll be in the description.

- Yeah, I think it's just
for the United States

but I'm sure if you
just do enough research

you'll be able to find one.

- Yeah and there are online resources too

so if you don't have them in your area

we can find them that way.

And also therapists do
work on sliding scales,

meaning it's completely okay to go in

and be like, hey I'm a student,

I know you charge $150, I
can pay $80 is that cool?

- Some universities, some
schools, guidance counselors--

- Mine did, I got therapy for
free all through undergrad

and grad which was beautiful and amazing.

- Something for free in college?

- I know, imagine that!

- Crazy!

So please take advantage of
those resources cause that

is the main thing that's helped me.

I learned a lot, in the
beginning I had PTSD symptoms

which will be very common I think.

- Yeah hypervigilance,
not trusting yourself,

not trusting others, no confidence,

there's a lot of ramifications
of long term emotional abuse

or even physical abuse, sexual
abuse, any kind of abuse.

- I find that for a little while too,

like while I was processing it,

of course there were things
that I would bring up

and it would be like, he would do this,

and my therapist would go, he did what?

And so there were so many things

that you have to go back and almost relive

which is very tough, it's very scary,

but that is what a good therapist is for.

I've sadly heard it so many times,

but they know exactly what to do.

So my therapist has given me so many ways

to cope with anxiety mostly,
social anxiety is a big one,

I think that's really big for
anyone who is on Youtube too.

I guess to be more open,

for a little while I was
on some medication to help

because sometimes it's
just, these responses.

- We can have panic attacks,
- Yes, I had so many!

- And you can be just so overwhelmed,

like your system's always overwhelmed

and I always talk about medication

because I know a lot of
people are like (groans)

they're in judgment and stigma
but it's like a life raft.

You are drowning sometimes
and you just need

to get your head above water.

- Yeah for me when I was taking medication

it was an anti-anxiety, it just,

I have a lot of racing
thoughts kind of constantly

and you can really work with yourself

to recognize these racing thoughts

and something to work with
your doctor, your therapist

but sometimes taking a
medication, honestly,

really got rid of just little,

It brought you up to a baseline.

- Yeah, exactly.

- Where it's a little easier to, and also

people say this but really
exercise really helps.

Just getting away.

I like swimming because
nobody can talk to me

'cause I'm swimming, nobody
can talk to me when I swim.

- Yeah I like that.

- And then also,

I wanna make a video about it sometime,

but if I stop thinking
about counting my breaths,

making sure I'm breathing,

making sure I'm completely focused on me,

if I get distracted while
I'm swimming I will just,

I'll run into a wall,
I won't come up for air

and so taking time just for yourself.

- Agreed.

- Self care.

- So important.

- Whether you can afford
a therapist or not,

'cause I think that's something

that during an abusive relationship

you don't really have time for yourself,

it's all about them.

- And taking time can
make you feel guilty.

- Yes, oh my gosh.

- Thank you so much for
sharing, that's so helpful.

But also I just wanna let you all know,

as we're talking about, you
don't have to do it alone

and you shouldn't do it alone.

Having friends and family
who can be supportive,

having a therapist, it's all
very, very key to your recovery

because it's something that's
really hard to do on your own.

- It's really helpful to have,

I know my family would check in,

'cause again I was in college,

didn't have super close
friends at the time

and so for a while I was just
checking in with my mom a lot

because she's someone who you know,

maybe for you you have
someone in your life

that's seen it all and
so now that you're out

they're so willing to just
not even talk about it,

just talk about your day.

- Yeah, just connect with you.

- Be there, and just
reestablish, reaffirm,

that what you're going
through is very tough

and you can always talk
to someone about it

or about anything else.

- Yes and before you leave,

if you're trying to leave a relationship,

make sure you tell someone so that it's,

I know this sounds bad
but if anything happens

someone knows what's going on,
someone knows where you are,

where you live, just taking precautions,

don't do it alone,
ensure you have support.

If you don't have friends and
family like we talked about

there are domestic violence resources,

I link things in the description,

there are places you can stay

until you figure out your next moves,

but know that it can and will get better.

And thank you so much
for sharing your story.

- Thank you for having me on here.

- Oh of course!
- This was great.

- It is wonderful.

And we answered a lot of
other questions on her channel

and the video we did over there
so if you still have things

swirling and twirling in your
head you can check that out

the link will be in the
top of the description

and we'll see you next time.

- [Both] Bye!

- Thank you.

- Yeah!

(gentle digital music)