The Victim Control Dynamic (Escaping Control Drama in Relationships) - Teal Swan -

Hello there.

The most frightening behavioral patterns on Earth are behavioral patterns that are disguised

Because they're disguised they tend to be the most difficult to recognize

Obviously if you can't recognize something it's a barrier [to] awareness not only in the people who are exhibiting these behavioral traits

But also the people who are observing them or shall I say?

failing [to] observe

I've decided that over the next years

I'm going to make it a personal point to expose these disguised behavioral patterns

But the first I'm going to expose to you today is a common pattern

that is in fact the most insidious of the covert patterns and

it is called the victim control dynamic in

this control Dynamic one person sets [themselves] up to look like the good guy the victim and

Someone else the bad guy the perpetrator

However the reason that this is a disguise is because it's the wolf in sheep's clothing

technique

The person who is creating the problem in the first place is in fact the one who's painting themselves as the victim

now this human behavior shows itself quite often in childhood and

often with the younger siblings

So let's say you've got a family and there's a younger sibling and they don't feel their power within the family system

Because of that lack of empowerment their power is dependent upon other people

so what happens the younger sibling walked in towards the older sibling and

Smacks them and then what do they do

right so the older system goes sister or brother goes running after the child and then the parents walk in they take the

Situation at face value, and who's the bad guy?

the older sibling

Now the older sibling gets punished

And what do we know if those of us who are?

Older siblings the younger sibling will do what once the parents come in and play the rescuer to this child?

They'll usually stick their tongue out as if look I won

You know this seems really innocent, but what happens when people do this in adulthood [I]?

[did] the YouTube video a while ago called how to sell your soul to the devil in that episode?

I explained that unmet needs are what causes demonic attachments and

Demonic expressions of behavior because what underlies them is a need that has to be met [and] manipulatively?

When it comes to controlling?

power dynamics as of the case of the victim control dynamic the unmet needs are a sense of personal empowerment [a]

Sense of [oneself] as being good handed tension

because the person feels their need for personal empowerment and the

Safety that comes with it as well as their need for attention and a sense of inner goodness cannot be meant

Directly it has to be met

Indirectly and Superbly manipulative ways and these manipulations are played out towards the person or people that the person feels less [then]

The reason the Victim control Dynamic is so difficult to recognize for someone who is exhibiting this behavior

Themselves is because the ceilings behind the behavior

aren't fake

Now when we manipulate it's easy to recognize that we're manipulating when we're doing it consciously

But many of these power control dynamics are not done consciously

So for example the feeling of being completely powerless to someone

That's very real regardless of whether or not it is a reflection of what [is] true or not the feeling is real

So when we're [dealing] with people?

To exhibit this victim control dynamic the feelings behind that behavior are accurate

They feel like the world has been unfair to them they feel like they're not in control of their life

they actually feel like they need [to] be rescued and

They literally feel powerless to the person who they're carrying out this behavior towards

Regardless of whether or not they are actually

Powerless to it or not

So for example let's say that you took a job working for a boss

But because of the way that you feel any kind of authority figure makes you feel powerless

When you get around that person your feelings of being unfairly treated or being

Dominated and that's not being in control of your reality. [you're] probably going to come up those are very real feelings

because of that you're going to see the boss the authority figure is the bad guy and you're going to start to feel like the

Victim regardless whether or not that dynamic is actually occurring

But the problem is if you're one of these people who is in this victim control dynamic?

Chances are you're not going to see that the issue is your own feeling of powerlessness after all you could just quit the job

What you're going to do is you're going [to] focus on how your boss is messed up

How he really is being unfair and all the evil [things] you think he's doing

Underneath the Victim control Dynamic is an extremely low self-esteem

Now the center of Self-esteem and self-concept is a sense of seeing yourself as as good

But obviously if you have poor self-esteem, you can't see yourself as good

So you have to find a way to see yourself as good in a manipulative way

so what do you need in order to feel good a

villain

For people who exhibit this [behavioural] pattern often the only access they have to seeing and feeling

Themselves as good as by seeing and feeling someone else [as] really bad and having other people

validate that perspective for them

The Victim control Dynamic can be carried out one on one the way this usually shows up is between two friends or a partner

Situation now one person will play the victim [even] [though] like I said their feelings are accurate behind it they will portray

The pictures that they are the abused victim of their partner

to their partner or that they're the abused friend of

Their friends to their friend and the reason this is done is to deliberately make the other person feel super Super guilty

So that they will

Conform to whatever is needed or wanted of them. That's why we call this a control technique

So this one-on-one expression of the victim control dynamic is painful enough

but it's not until this dynamic gets exposed to social groups that it takes on its particularly demonic form

It is this dynamic of feeling your goodness [only] in contrast to somebody who is totally?

horrible that makes this pattern so incredibly insidious because

It works

We as people are absolutely

conditioned to side

with the Underdog

We are conditioned to do this why because our species

Survival depended upon it in fact one of the main reasons why our species survived like it did

We cared eight people within our society

We defend

When someone looks like the victim it triggers our own feelings of vulnerability

And so we project that onto them and then by defending them. We are in fact defending the vulnerable side of ourselves

But because of this projection that we all do of our own vulnerability

[onto] whoever looks like the Victim we cannot see Beyond the surface of things

We cannot perceive ourselves being used as an accessory to a control dynamic

The Victim control Dynamic is just that it's a control dynamic

And so what's going to happen when someone is on the receiving end of this dynamic?

They're going to respond just as somebody would to any threat

They're going to respond with defense. They're going to respond with Anger and they're going to respond with their own

control techniques and

That is why the victim control drama

Always works

it always works because it capitalizes [on] the response of

The person who is actually the victim to this control dynamic?

by making the real victim

the False Victim and the False victim the real victim

The people involved in this situation cannot see who the real underdog is

That's because the person who is playing out the victim control dynamic is the first one to take a strike?

But people aren't seeing that

Because it is instantly followed up

[with] them falling back into the behavior of being the victim being unfairly treated, and how horrible life has been for them and

obviously because it's a control dynamic the person [who's] on the receiving end of this control dynamic is going to get mad at them so

All the people on the exterior see is

An Obvious underdog who's being picked on even worse?

By someone who's angry?

This is profoundly gaslighting for the person who is on the receiving end of this behavior it pulls them out of their own

reality where they were just going about their business as usual and suddenly were cast into the role the perpetrator by someone and

Suddenly were convicted a crime. They had no idea be even committed

[gaslighting] is a form of abuse where you try to skew someone's reality?

It's where you try to convince them that what they saw they didn't see what they heard they didn't hear in their perception of reality

Means they are crazy

And it makes people feel crazy. It makes them lose their mind

That's why it's so profoundly abusive

When someone strikes out at you in a power play and then plays the victim to you

It messes with your sanity [and] sense of reality

To give you another analogy

It'd be like somebody coming up to you on the street hitting your legs out with a metal pipe

And then instantly getting down on the floor [and] rolling around as if you're the one that hit down

so

Imagine in this scenario that somebody was to go hit you in the legs of the metal pipe

And then they instantly drop to the [ground] said, why are you doing this to me?

It's all in there and rolling around on the ground as if they were just hit by the metal pipe

Now obviously that would make you super angry

So imagine you were like the hell with that you just hit me get up off the floor

This is not okay, and that was what people saw

Was a person standing over someone who is rolling around on the floor as if they'd just been hit?

who is being yelled at through the Monster in the Scenario now and

this is how the person who's [actually] the target of the victim control dynamic gets targeted by the entire social group and

A full victim is the one who is going to be defended?

the way that the real victim reacts to the False victim

Just validates the way that that false victim is trying to portray

The real Victim as the bad guy as the evil one

So now once everyone Rallies around the false victim against the real victim

They do this to avoid being the bad guy themselves this pattern forces people to identify with their hero

Personality and defend their victim personality externally against their on the villain personality externally

everyone validates this person's poorni mentality by saying caution right I feel so sorry for you and

The real victim becomes a bad guy in everyone's eyes in this way, and in this way the false victim is in fact controlling everyone

Including the real victim and they get feel sense of empowerment and [goodness] is way

it's

At this point that this dynamic in a social group gets even more

gaslighting

Because the false victim which is in fact the one playing the victim control dynamic

Now goes into a pattern of behavior where they decide between two courses of action

Either they decide they're going to stand up to [you] and be empowered

Against the person who they're playing this control drama against in which case

they're encouraged to do so by [the] social group as if they're standing up to an abuser or

They choose to Rally the entire social group around helping that person with their anger their reactivity

So they leave other people into this collective project of helping the person [who] is very distressed

They are in fact calling and in both scenarios the real victim becomes the scapegoat of this social group

this dynamic destroys lives when it happens between parents and children as that sometimes does in dysfunctional homes and

Often with the mother so what we will see this pattern that's most common

Is that the mother will feel powerless in some way to one of the children that she has?

because of that feeling of powerlessness

She will pull one of these victims control dynamics towards her own child

whereby she

Paints that child as the problem one that's causing all of her issues

She will then weave the entire family in

to her side defending her

Against this child and then flip it so she can feel her own goodness even further by weaving everybody in

to heal that family scapegoat

And it's often times when family scapegoats commit suicide that this [particulars] don't have it going on in the family home

When someone has locks in the victim control dynamics they want to make you feel like you've wrong with them

Or done bad to them. [they] want you to feel guilt and shame, but here's the key

when it works and if they manage [to] actually produce proof that you have wronged or hurt them in some way no matter what you

Do to make amends [or] make things right it will produce no lasting improvements their errors being victimized and wronged by you

Does not go away [no] matter what you do. They will continue to produce more scenarios where you've wronged them

Often creating scenarios where they already know you will choose in the opposite direction of what they want

They already know you're going to say no to them so again they can repeat this

dynamic of keeping you in the bad guy role

And then the poor me rule when someone is in a victim control drama they also tend to hunt for apologies

Because the apology feels like an I win

To someone that needs to one-up the other person by proving that they're good and the other person is bad

But no resolve the last because that is how they get their power

So resolving the feelings of being wronged only lasts as far as the apology

Then they have to slip back into the same dynamic to gain back a sense of power again

In the spiritual world and the pSychology world the word victim tends to carry a huge stigma

Because of the stigma we can't ever actually

Address the Aspects of us that do feel sorry for ourselves or the aspects of ourselves that were actually victimized

Because we're so shamed for even thinking that way

So what happens when we can't even acknowledge aspects of [ourselves]?

They turn Demonic they get completely out of control now

They're the ones that are running the show but from our subconscious mind, and we're not even aware [of] it

It is critical that we take off the stigmas and we can actually become aware of the aspects ourselves that do feel sorry for ourselves

They do feel unfairly treated, and they do feel hurt that do feel powerless

The reality is if you succumb to the victim control dynamic

And this is a behavioral pattern that you have

You were not supported [be] nurtured like you needed to be as a child

You do not get taught the empowerment that you should have been taught you were victimized instead. That's why

This is the only way you could gain power it is this original

Victimization that needs to be focused on other one is what happens is it gets played [out] in your current?

Relationships in situations where you're not actually getting victimized?

here's the thing

There will be the occasional scenario where some psychotic husband

Bashes his wife's brains out with a shovel and puts her in the back of the car in those types of situations you are powerless

But the reality is in your adult life if you're in their piece of situation you do have the power to leave it

So if we're not leaving it

We have to ask ourselves. Why?

Oftentimes when [we] ask Ourselves why [it's] because the only control we actually have by being in it

The only way we actually get a sense of goodness is by being abused

we have to see the difference [between] our own powerlessness that exists no matter what other people [around] us do or don't do and

other people making us powerless

This is the form of responsibility. We [have] to start taking for our own weakness and fear

For any of you who exhibit this victims control dynamic in your relationships? I want to speak to you for a minute

the suckiest part about having been victimized is that it doesn't change the fact that you still have to live a normal life and

We all know how freaking hard that is but there comes a [point] where it's like

Yes, you were tortured. Yes, you were abused or yes

you were just not nursing the way you need to be nurtured and life was unfair [and]

what's more on the fair is that even so

It doesn't change the fact that you have to take responsibility

for your life and start from where you are even if it is at a disadvantage and

To put one foot in front of the other until you're actually creating the kind of life you [wanna] create

this particular

Dynamic just like all other camouflaged dynamics has to be exposed for it not to work

So for this reason if you're in a [situation] where this victim control dynamics taking place the dynamic itself has to be exposed

You can start by saying directly to this person

I feel like you're making me feel guilty or ashamed to control me [and] to make yourself [look] [like] the victim so that these people

Will defend you against me

Or so that I will do what you want

and

I feel like you are being really unfair

When they argue with you and make you feel guilt for that simply tell them I'm only telling you what I feel

Instead of arguing with their logic keep telling them how the situation fuels to you

When you're dealing with some of these in this dynamic you have to zoom way out, so your responses can be ahead of theirs

So what you want to do is basically expose them in their game any

Question could be used for this but for example you want to ask them. What do you want me to do right now?

What is your next step?

You keep putting it back on them for how they need resolution to occur so [that] it can be exposed that they don't actually want

Resolution they need to see that what they actually want is to win

Or to have other people see you as bad or to be

Rescued in some way or you know fill in the blank they want you to be cast in the victim role

In other words they're looking to be validated in being the victim and to stay the victim because of what that gets them

If they give you an answer as to what they need for a perceived injustice

And it doesn't seem fair [to] you at all ask them

Why they [think] that would give them [some] sense of justice if they say I need an apology ask them

Why, what would [that] give you?

understandably, so this particular pattern is so

incredibly [frustrating] that most people do not actually have [the] wherewithal to control their

reactivity to the degree that they need to control it to

Deal with people who are exhibiting this behavior in a way where they can expose the game instead of just implicate themselves

underneath it all we're locked in the Victim control dynamic

We have to own the fact that we have aspects of us that feel weak ashamed out of control of ourselves

Victimized Powerless and sorry for [ourselves]. We have to admit we feel sorry for ourselves

We desperately want people to sit and just listen to this aspect of us and see it and validate it and potentially rescue us out

Of it so except this is where I am

This aspect of us still asleep is probably in the past we were victimized in the situation where we were completely helpless

But we need to be open to the idea that we're probably acting helpless in a situation where we aren't helpless

We're simply not acknowledging our responsibility for our own choices that we're making and that are keeping us in the situation [that] feels bad

We want emotional validation for our pain, so desperately we can RVC straight

When we're engaged in the control dynamic. We're not being authentic the question is what are [we] not being authentic about?

Usually it's the way we really feel what we really want what we really think

Being inauthentic allows us to not face something about ourselves. That's too scary or painful to face

What's ironic is taking responsibility [for] what we actually feel what we actually want what we actually think and how?

We are the ones keeping ourselves trapped in a power of situation is in fact the first step to empowerment any

Form of manipulation designed to take energy from someone is about not being able to acknowledge or state what we actually need

Usually we've done this because we decided what we need is bad

For example on today's world a person can't just acknowledge their need for their pain to be validated and so instead

they just [incessantly] complain about things that don't change a

Person who can't acknowledge their need to be significant

[may] kill someone to be significant if the person can't admit to their need to be the center of attention

[they] may just cause all kinds of conflict to be the center of attention

To understand more [about] how this works watch my video on [YouTube] titled meet your needs

So long story short you've got to become aware of your needs and you've got to admit to them even if you think admitting to

Them makes you a bad person [it] in fact makes you a hundred times safer and 100 times more empowered

But I want you to ask yourself

Why is it that I can't assert my needs?

What am I so afraid will happen if I assert my needs in the certain way in a straightforward way?

Why do I make other people responsible for my needs and then make them the bad guy if they can't meet them?

If you're doing that the person is locked into the can control drama they want your energy they want your positive attention

They want your sympathy [they] want your empowerment. They want be rescued by you they want for you to take [responsibility] for them

So be honest with yourself

Can you really do that?

The sad thing about people who are locked in the victim control dynamic is they so often gravitate towards relationships with people who quite?

Literally can't provide those leads to them

so they're going to constantly be locked in a cycle of things being unfair and not getting their needs met which is in fact a

retraumatization

for them

You have to consult your own personal boundaries on this next one, but there is a unanimous way to stop these control dynamics

And that's to give them exactly what they want if you can

Now for somebody who is in the victim control dynamic what they want is your energy and so the best way to get them to?

Stop the control dynamics is to just give it to them

What I represent [no] resistance. It's the same energy for those of you. Who are resisting it

It's the same energy is walking into a room full of mosquitos

Willing to just give them your blood

But here's [the] thing if you find yourself on the receiving

End of this victim control dynamic often then you have a weak spot it

Is that weak spot that is being?

Capitalized on by the person who is exhibiting this victim control dynamic, and it is that very weakness?

Which helped you enter into this person's life in the first place [that]

[weak] spot is the inability to sit with any feeling with a shame

guilt or being a bad person you

[can't] sit with this emotion and as a result you're a rescuer

You rescue someone anytime you [fear] you might be the slightest bit responsible

for their pain

Now here's a thing if you really have this weakness

And you're the kind of person who if you drive by a homeless person on the street, and you don't give them [money] now

You're responsible for why they can't eat tonight

This is the type [of] personality that people who are deep in the victim control dynamic love to find and feed on

So if you have a [situation] in your [life] where someone your life is playing this victim control dynamic perpetually you are

constantly cast in the role of the bad guy, [I]

Need you to look back at how [you] first met

see if you can identify any

Dynamic there where you rescued them from something where you saw them as disadvantaged in some way and yourself is responsible

To meet those needs so they were no longer disadvantaged in that way

Now here's the funny part

Chances are when you met it was in a way where you were trying to rescue them from something or someone and

potentially that thing you were trying to rescue them from

Before was [just] someone or something they had pulled the same victim control dynamic with before you

So take a good look at your childhood

why is it that you feel so

Incapacitated to sit with your own feelings of [shame] that are the result of feeling like you have caused some one pain in some way

Who didn't you rescue?

Why are you so desperate to rescue people?

Now the more adept you get at sitting with the feelings of shame and guilt the more immune you are to people who try to

Capitalize on all your resources through making you feel shame guilt

if we have become a victim to this control dynamic in any way, we need to become aware of the holy trinity of

personas Within Ourselves

the Victim within us that holds our

Vulnerability and that we are trying to rescue to other people the villain within us that we [are] trying to avoid at all

Costs and the hero who is so desperate to be good it gets in all kinds of trouble trying to rescue people?

When we start to care for these aspects within us?

The war between these aspects will end and they will stop having to externalize in our world as other people

but this particular dynamic the victim control dynamic it destroys social groups and

so for this reason I [decided] to expose it today look at your relationships and see if you can see it clearly and

remember

Sometimes it is very important to [acknowledge]

who the victim is and in our society we have a very our time with that a

Lot of times especially when we don't want to sit with the discomfort of what reality actually looks like outside in the world

That's not safe

We don't side with the victim when we really should

other times

Because of our own projection. We side with the false victim. We side with the person who looks like

They're the victim when in fact

They're being the villain

Huh?