Why I couldn’t let football keep me in the closet | Shane Wickes | TEDxUniversityofNevada

Shane Wickes loves football. In this talk, Shane shares his truth about being a gay football coach; however, being gay in football has at times caused serious conflict with his ability to live his entire life with transparency and authenticity.

As a former college football player and current high school football coach, Shane was faced with a choice -- leave the sport he loves so much or own up to an unpopular truth in the football community.
Shane is a strong believer in the power of coaches to shape young people’s lives; but in order to do so, he believes that you must be willing to share your true self with those you are trying to impact. This was a particularly difficult task for Shane because he is gay.
Shane decided that rather than leaving football, his experience could be used to shed light on a difficult topic. Shane’s ultimate goal is to spread awareness on the harmful effects that the modern football climate causes and to show other gay athletes and coaches that they are not alone.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

I love football.

I started playing when I was 12 years old.

It has been a dominant presence
in my life ever since.

From youth football, to high-school,

and college,

and now as a coach.

Football has played a huge role
in shaping me as a person.

Recently, I achieved my dream job
of becoming varsity line coach

at my high-school alma mater.

Last March I was at a coaching clinic.

It was late in the afternoon
and I was tired.

These coaching clinics can tend to be
a bit of a drag at times.

Hours and hours, and days and days
of the presentations

on the x's and o's of football.

There was one presentation, though,
that looked interesting.

It was titled "Disneyland."

This presentation changed my life.

This talk was not about
the x's and o's of football.

But rather about the emotional truth
of why we coaches coach.

We are coaches so that
we can have a meaningful impact

on young people's lives,
and help them become better people.

As coaches, we want to have
the kind of impact

that assure that one day our players
can hold hands with their children

and walk into Disneyland.

The moral of this
incredible message was this:

as coaches, we can preach to our players

that it is more important for them
be better people

than it is great football players.

But if we are not honest with them
and do not practice what we preach,

it will never work.

In other words,

teenagers are adept at sensing bullshit.

(Laughter)

As coaches, we must
be willing to share our truth.

And sharing our truth is the only way
we can have the kind of impact

we truly want to have.

The coach who gave this presentation,

his truth was that his son
became a drug addict

due to the bullying and pressure
he was subjected to

from his dad being the head football coach
at his school in Eagle, Idaho,

a program that at the time
was not very succesful.

I went from a presentation

on how to run the power
against a 3-4 defense

to the most honest, emotional and
inspirational talks on coaching philosophy

I'd ever heard.

So it got me thinking.

What's my bullshit?

What is unique about me
that I bring to the table

that will have a meaningful impact?

What is my truth?

My truth is this.

I'm a former college football player.

I'm a current high-school football coach.

And I am gay.

I battled with this truth for a long time.

Personally, professionally and certainly
in my coaching and athletic career.

It was an identity crisis
that had a tremendous impact on my life.

Long before I heard
this presentation on Disneyland

I thought about coming out in football.

In the beginning, I told myself

"You're gay and
you will take it to the grave."

Now, I've come a long way since that day.

(Applause)

Thank you.

(Applause) (Cheers)

Thank you.

I've come a long way since that day,

but the process almost cost me my life.

I chose to come out to family and friends
starting in August of 2014.

I told my immediate family first,

and then I carefully picked my way
through family and friends,

trying to choose the right time and place.

Only being part way out of the closet

meant that I had to be
two different people

and always be very aware of where I was

and whom I was with.

It caused a constant state
of panic and anxiety.

So the question became,

"Is it important for
me to come out publicly?"

Yes it is, and here is why.

My time in-and-out of the closet
helped my realize

that there are other people
in my situation.

And it is not a pretty one.

It also helped me realize

that coming out is not about
sharing my bedroom habits,

but about giving myself permission
to live my life in its entirety.

Let me explain.

After talking to one of my fellow coaches,
he told me:

"I don't talk about my sex life
with players, why would you?"

And it's a legitimate question,

but a common misconception
about coming out.

Again, I'm not talking about my sex life.

I'm talking about my life.

It's often said that your private life
is your private life.

But imagine you are put in a situation
where going virtually anywhere

and doing very normal, healthy, human
activities with your significant other

could have substantial consequences
on your life, reputation and career.

You gain a very new perspective
on what your private life actually is.

That's how being in the closet
affected my life.

It was quite literally a closet.

No space, no freedom and no comfort.

It's a suffocating lifestyle
with measurable effects.

It wore me down until eventually

I was abusing alcohol
and prescription medications

to keep my anxiety in check.

It was a horrible time in my life.

When you are put in a situation
of having to live a double life,

it strips you off dignity
and normal coping mechanisms.

At that time the only place
I felt somewhat safe was at home.

I was living with my parents,
who had been nothing but supportive,

but I did not feel comfortable
bringing guys around them yet.

So there I was.

No safe place, no place to be myself,

facing a new lifestyle
I did not know how to navigate,

the anxiety and depression
were inescapable.

And I responded the only way
I felt I could at the time.

Drugs and alcohol.

Football teaches so many great
life lessons to those who play or coach.

Perseverance, toughness,
respect, self-esteem.

But the one negative thing
that it does teach

is that being gay is not OK.

To be frank, the word "faggot"

is used almost as much
as the word "football."

There is a misconception about
the prominence of gay men in football,

and it has serious consequences.

I'm the perfect example of this issue.

An all-state player in high-school.

A two-year varsity captain
among a select few in school history

to go play for a top
tier division 1 football program.

The youngest line coach
in the history of the school.

And I was ready to kill myself.

Because I thought that
even though this program

was like a second family to me,
I feared they would shun me.

It was a crushing weight
that I was carrying with me all the time.

Months and months
of sleep deprivation,

severe anxiety and depression.

And honestly, a lack of the will to live
began to catch up with me.

It was too much.

I was desperate for a way out.
Any way out.

One night I reached for a bottle of vodka
and a couple of pills.

I didn't see a way out.
I just wanted it to be over.

If I couldn't be me
and still live my life,

what was the point?

I passed out on the bathroom floor,

and my mom found me.

I was fortunate
to wake up the next day.

I escaped an overdose.

It was the scariest moment of my life.

When I woke up the next day,
I knew I really wasn't ready to give up.

And when I heard that talk on Disneyland,
I knew how, when and why

it was important for me to share my story.

I worried for so long about
how the football community would react.

And while at this point
only time will tell,

my experience has given me a theory.

It's simple.

One day, being gay in football
will be normal.

But in order for that to happen,

those of us who are gay
need to stand up and own it.

The coaches I know
are perfect examples of this.

I have been met with nothing but love and
support from my fellow coaching friends.

But now the challenge is to change this.

And not just on the private level.

The odds of a gay teen or young adult
abusing drugs, alcohol,

or experiencing anxiety, depression,
or even attempting suicide

are drastically high.

When it comes to football,

the social norm that we've created
leaves many without hope.

We've made incredible progress

in the equal rights movement
under the law.

But now we must tackle
a different problem.

Social equality and the message we send
to young people who play football.

Continue to use sports to inspire,
connect and to share a positive message.

A healthy person
cannot live life in the dark.

And if you are out there,
stand up and own it.

Thank you.

(Applause)