Relationships are hard, but why? | Stan Tatkin | TEDxKC

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

Relationships are hard. But what if it's not you or them or sex, money or even who picks up the socks. What if there is a far more primitive reason?

In this talk, relationship expert Stan Tatkin explores why we fight from the perspective of neuroscience – and how to give your relationship a fighting chance.

Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a clinician, researcher, teacher, and developer of A Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy® (PACT). He has a clinical practice in Calabasas, CA, where he has specialized for the last 15 years in working with couples and individuals who wish to be in relationships. He and his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, developed the PACT Institute for the purpose of training other psychotherapists to use this method in their clinical practice.

Relationships are difficult.

Everybody knows that.

Most people think

it's because of money, sex, kids,
work, or who picks up the socks.

Some people think

it's because we're just not right
for each other,

or we don't have enough in common.

Look, it's not just you, or him, or her.

There's actually nothing more difficult
on the planet than another person.

Think about that.

We're all difficult;

we all come to each new relationship
wanting easy,

but we also come with our fair share
of unresolved painful experiences

from previous relationships.

Between love and work,

love is by far,
more complex and challenging.

Much of the reason for this is based
in our automatic neurobiological reflexes,

so let me explain.

Let's start with that fancy neocortex
of yours, the high cortical areas.

For simplicity sake,
let's call them your ambassadors.

Your ambassadors are
very smart, deliberate, but slow;

and they're very expensive to run.

They're really good at planning,
predicting, organizing, languaging

and if I may be frank,
they're really good at making shit up.

(Laughter)

When you think of logic and reason,
think ambassadors.

The subcortical areas of your brain,
let's call them your primitives;

they're very fast, memory-based,
automatic, and very cheap to run.

They're involved in love and sex,
but also threat detection

by scanning for dangerous faces,
voices, gestures, movements,

as well as dangerous words and phrases.

When you think fight or flight,
think primitives.

Thanks to your primitives,
your day is 99% fully automatic.

Your ambassadors love novelty,

but they have to offload
newness to your primitives

in order to conserve resources.

You can't possibly run your day
with your ambassadors in full gear;

you would fry your brain.

So the primitives use something
called procedural memory,

otherwise known as body memory,
and it works like this:

you learn to ride a bike;
and in the beginning,

your primitives and ambassadors are
in full gear to learn this new skill,

but very soon, your primitives
are going to automate bike riding

without much need for your ambassadors.

It goes into procedural memory.

Pretty neat, huh?

Now you fall in love with someone,
and again, your brain is lit up;

you want to know everything about them.

You want to touch them, taste them,
smell them, you can't get enough of them.

You are high on drugs.

(Laughter)

Nature's drugs, not those!

Dopamine for wanting more,

noradrenaline for focus and attention,

testosterone for you know what,

and a distinct drop in serotonin
so you can perseverate and obsess.

You're neurochemically addicted.

You spend all your time together
for weeks and months;

you get serious, and this is
when the fun begins,

because very soon, your brain
is going to automate this new person

and theirs is going to automate you.

This is supposed to happen,

it's what the brain does
in order to function.

It'll make your relationship
feel a lot easier

and it will lead you
to your first really big mistakes

because you think
you know each other already

so you stop paying attention,
you stop being fully present.

Your primitives are relying on
procedural memory

to run your relationship,

and that memory includes
everyone and everything

of an emotional importance in your life.

That primitive brain of yours
is going to read

your partner's thoughts, feelings,
and intentions through that memory lens.

So it's kind of like this,

"Why are you giving me that look?"

"I didn't give you any look."

"Why are you using that tone
of voice with me?"

"What tone?"

- "Stop it!"
- "What?"

- "That."
- "What?!"

That's the sound
of two nervous systems misfiring,

and that is our nature.

(Laughter)

That will happen, and it will be a problem

if you don't understand
your automatic brain.

As a couple's therapist,

I can tell you that fighting
in and of itself is inevitable.

There is no relationship without conflict.

In fact, if you are a conflict avoider,

you will appear
threatening to your partner.

The real problem isn't that you fight.

It's when you do, one or both of you
threatens to leave the relationship.

A relationship can survive fights,

but what it cannot survive
is loss of safety and security.

Communication, memory,
perception - all error-prone.

Human communication,
even on a good day, is terrible.

We're mostly misunderstanding
each other much of the time;

when we feel good,
we don't care that much,

when we don't feel good,
we care a whole lot.

(Laughter)

When stress goes up, human communication
gets a whole lot worse.

Memory is unreliable.

Memory is faulty, folks,

and in a fight for whose memory is right,
you're probably both wrong.

Your perceptions
are like fun house mirrors.

Your perceptions are
constantly being altered

by your state of mind
and your memory.

They're constantly playing tricks on you.

If we assume

our communication, our memory,
our perception is the real truth,

that's hubris,
and that will get us into trouble.

Before I go on, I want
to be clear about threat:

if you're in an abusive relationship,
you must get out.

I'm not talking about big T threat;
only small T threat,

the kind that we have to deal with
day in and day out

as we bump up
against each other, and we fight.

But why do our fights spin out of control?

It's because real time is too fast,

and when we feel threatened,
we act, and react with our primitives.

Our ambassadors actually
have no idea how we got into this place.

It's what makes shit up!

(Laughter)

"I'm right, dammit,

and here's what sounds
really good to prove my point."

(Laughter)

You really have no idea
what you're talking about

(Laughter)

but you sound so confident.

(Laughter)

I want to get to the fun part here.

Since all of you literally carry around
your own neurobiology lab with you,

wherever you go;

here's a few experiments you can run
in the comfort of your own home:

the next time
a relationship moment turns tense,

change your position;

go eye-to-eye and face-to-face,
notice what happens.

And by the way,

if you tend to fight a lot
while driving in the car,

it's because you're
side-to-side and glance;

a glance is a threat trigger,

that's why you should never fight
in the car, or on the phone,

or while emailing, or while texting.

We're visual animals,
and we need our eyes

in order to regulate
each other's nervous systems.

I want you to understand
that what I'm talking about here

happens to everyone,
regardless of personality,

previous experience,
and relationship experience, or trauma.

No angels, no devils here;

we're all capable of becoming
threatening, even to those we love,

and we're capable of making
huge mistakes and errors

in communication, memory, and perception;

all of us.

The decision to be in a relationship,

the decision to be
in a committed relationship

- loving, secure functioning -

means being in the foxhole together

and protecting each other
from the dangers out there.

It's not just about getting our own way.

We're supposed to have each other's backs.

I've seen far too many relationships
end before their time,

because people cannot get
this simple concept;

our major job is to protect each other
and make each other feel safe and secure.

The world is a dangerous place,
it's always been so;

and right now, it feels a little scary.

If we don't have
each other's backs, who will?

Thank you and good luck
with your relationships.

(Applause)