What it's like to be a transgender dad
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0:01 - 0:03So the other morning
I went to the grocery store -
0:03 - 0:04and an employee greeted me
-
0:04 - 0:07with a "Good morning, sir,
can I help you with anything?" -
0:07 - 0:09I said, "No, thanks, I'm good."
-
0:10 - 0:12The person smiled
and we went our separate ways. -
0:12 - 0:14I grabbed Cheerios
and I left the grocery store. -
0:14 - 0:17And I went through the drive-through
of a local coffee shop. -
0:17 - 0:20After I placed my order,
the voice on the other end said, -
0:20 - 0:21"Thank you, ma'am. Drive right around."
-
0:22 - 0:23Now, in the span of less than an hour,
-
0:23 - 0:26I was understood
both as a "sir" and as a "ma'am." -
0:27 - 0:29But for me, neither
of these people are wrong, -
0:29 - 0:31but they're also not completely right.
-
0:32 - 0:36This cute little human
is my almost-two-year-old Elliot. -
0:36 - 0:38Yeah, alright.
-
0:39 - 0:40And over the past two years,
-
0:40 - 0:42this kid has forced me
to rethink the world -
0:42 - 0:43and how I participate in it.
-
0:43 - 0:48I identify as transgender and as a parent,
that makes me a transparent. -
0:48 - 0:51(Laughter)
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0:51 - 0:52(Applause)
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0:52 - 0:54(Cheering)
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0:54 - 1:00(Applause)
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1:00 - 1:03As you can see, I took
this year's theme super literal. -
1:03 - 1:04(Laughter)
-
1:04 - 1:07Like any good dad joke should.
-
1:08 - 1:10More specifically, I identify
as genderqueer. -
1:10 - 1:13And there are lots of ways
to experience being genderqueer, -
1:13 - 1:16but for me that means I don't
really identify as a man or a woman. -
1:16 - 1:19I feel in between and sometimes
outside of this gender binary. -
1:20 - 1:21And being outside of this gender binary
-
1:21 - 1:24means that sometimes I get
"sired" and "ma'amed" -
1:24 - 1:27in the span of less than an hour
when I'm out doing everyday things -
1:27 - 1:28like getting Cheerios.
-
1:28 - 1:31But this in between lane
is where I'm most comfortable. -
1:31 - 1:33This space where I can be
both a sir and a ma'am -
1:33 - 1:35feels the most right
and the most authentic. -
1:35 - 1:38But it doesn't mean that these
interactions aren't uncomfortable. -
1:38 - 1:41Trust me, the discomfort can range
from minor annoyance -
1:41 - 1:42to feeling physically unsafe.
-
1:42 - 1:44Like the time at a bar in college
-
1:44 - 1:47when a bouncer physically
removed me by the back of the neck -
1:47 - 1:49and threw me out of a woman's restroom.
-
1:49 - 1:52But for me, authenticity
doesn't mean "comfortable." -
1:52 - 1:55It means managing and negotiating
the discomfort of everyday life, -
1:55 - 1:56even at times when it's unsafe.
-
1:57 - 1:59And it wasn't until
my experience as a trans person -
2:00 - 2:02collided with my new identity as a parent
-
2:02 - 2:04that I understood
the depth of my vulnerabilities -
2:04 - 2:07and how they are preventing me
from being my most authentic self. -
2:08 - 2:11Now, for most people,
what their child will call them -
2:11 - 2:13is not something
that they give much thought to -
2:13 - 2:15outside of culturally specific words
-
2:15 - 2:18or variations on a gendered theme
like "mama," "mommy," or "daddy," "papa." -
2:18 - 2:21But for me, the possibility
is what this child, -
2:21 - 2:24who will grow to be a teenager
and then a real-life adult, -
2:24 - 2:25will call me for the rest of our lives,
-
2:26 - 2:28was both extremely scary and exciting.
-
2:29 - 2:33And I spent nine months wrestling
with the reality that being called "mama" -
2:33 - 2:35or something like it
didn't feel like me at all. -
2:35 - 2:38And no matter how many times
or versions of "mom" I tried, -
2:38 - 2:40it always felt forced
and deeply uncomfortable. -
2:41 - 2:45I knew being called "mom" or "mommy"
would be easier to digest for most people. -
2:45 - 2:47The idea of having two moms
is not super novel, -
2:47 - 2:49especially where we live.
-
2:50 - 2:51So I tried other words.
-
2:51 - 2:54And when I played around
with "daddy," it felt better. -
2:55 - 2:56Better, but not perfect.
-
2:57 - 2:59It felt like a pair of shoes
that you really liked -
2:59 - 3:01but you needed to wear and break in.
-
3:02 - 3:05And I knew the idea of being
a female-born person being called "daddy" -
3:05 - 3:08was going to be a harder road
with a lot more uncomfortable moments. -
3:08 - 3:11But, before I knew it, the time had come
-
3:11 - 3:14and Elliot came screaming
into the world, like most babies do, -
3:14 - 3:16and my new identity as a parent began.
-
3:16 - 3:19I decided on becoming a daddy,
and our new family faced the world. -
3:21 - 3:24Now one of the most common things
that happens when people meet us -
3:24 - 3:25is for people to "mom" me.
-
3:25 - 3:28And when I get "momed", there are
several ways the interaction can go, -
3:28 - 3:32and I've drawn this map
to help illustrate my options. -
3:32 - 3:33(Laughter)
-
3:33 - 3:36So, option one is to ignore the assumption
-
3:36 - 3:39and allow folks to continue
to refer to me as "mom," -
3:39 - 3:41which is not awkward for the other party,
-
3:41 - 3:44but is typically really awkward for us.
-
3:44 - 3:47And it usually causes me to restrict
my interaction with those people. -
3:47 - 3:49Option one.
-
3:49 - 3:52Option two is to stop and correct them
-
3:52 - 3:53and say something like,
-
3:53 - 3:56"Actually, I'm Elliot's dad"
or "Elliot calls me 'daddy.'" -
3:56 - 3:59And when I do this, one or two
of the following things happen. -
4:00 - 4:03Folks take it in stride
and say something like, "Oh, OK." -
4:03 - 4:04And move on.
-
4:04 - 4:07Or they respond by apologizing profusely
-
4:07 - 4:10because they feel bad or awkward
or guilty or weird. -
4:10 - 4:14But more often, what happens
is folks get really confused -
4:14 - 4:17and look up with an intense look
and say something like, -
4:17 - 4:19"Does this mean you want to transition?
-
4:19 - 4:21Do you want to be a man?"
-
4:21 - 4:22Or say things like,
-
4:22 - 4:24"How can she be a father?
-
4:24 - 4:25Only men can be dads."
-
4:26 - 4:29Well, option one is oftentimes
the easier route. -
4:29 - 4:31Option two is always
the more authentic one. -
4:31 - 4:34And all of these scenarios
involve a level of discomfort, -
4:34 - 4:35even in the best case.
-
4:35 - 4:39And I'll say that over time, my ability
to navigate this complicated map -
4:39 - 4:40has gotten easier.
-
4:40 - 4:42But the discomfort is still there.
-
4:42 - 4:44Now, I won't stand here and pretend
-
4:44 - 4:46like I've mastered this,
it's pretty far from it. -
4:46 - 4:49And there are days when I still allow
option one to take place -
4:49 - 4:51because option two
is just too hard or too risky. -
4:52 - 4:55There's no way to be sure
of anyone's reaction, -
4:55 - 4:58and I want to be sure
that folks have good intentions, -
4:58 - 5:00that people are good.
-
5:00 - 5:03But we live in a world
where someone's opinion of my existence -
5:03 - 5:05can be met with serious threats to me
-
5:05 - 5:07or even my family's emotional
or physical safety. -
5:07 - 5:12So I weigh the costs against the risks
-
5:12 - 5:16and sometimes the safety of my family
comes before my own authenticity. -
5:17 - 5:18But despite this risk,
-
5:18 - 5:22I know as Elliot gets older and grows into
her consciousness and language skills, -
5:22 - 5:25if I don't correct people, she will.
-
5:26 - 5:29I don't want my fears and insecurities
to be placed on her, -
5:29 - 5:31to dampen her spirit
or make her question her own voice. -
5:32 - 5:35I need to model agency,
authenticity and vulnerability, -
5:35 - 5:39and that means leaning into those
uncomfortable moments of being "momed" -
5:39 - 5:41and standing up and saying,
"No, I'm a dad. -
5:41 - 5:43And I even have
the dad jokes to prove it." -
5:43 - 5:45(Laughter)
-
5:46 - 5:49Now, there have already been
plenty of uncomfortable moments -
5:49 - 5:50and even some painful ones.
-
5:50 - 5:53But there's also been,
in just two short years, -
5:53 - 5:56validating and at times transformative
moments on my journey as a dad -
5:56 - 5:58and my path towards authenticity.
-
5:58 - 6:00When we got our first sonogram,
-
6:00 - 6:03we decided we wanted to know
the sex of the baby. -
6:03 - 6:06The technician saw a vulva
and slapped the words "It's a girl" -
6:06 - 6:09on the screen and gave us a copy
and sent us on our way. -
6:09 - 6:12We shared the photo
with our families like everyone does -
6:12 - 6:15and soon after, my mom showed up
at our house with a bag filled -- -
6:15 - 6:17I'm not exaggerating,
-
6:17 - 6:22it was like this high and it was filled,
overflowing with pink clothes and toys. -
6:23 - 6:26Now I was a little annoyed to be
confronted with a lot of pink things, -
6:26 - 6:28and having studied gender
-
6:28 - 6:31and spent countless hours teaching
about it in workshops and classrooms, -
6:31 - 6:35I thought I was pretty well versed
on the social construction of gender -
6:35 - 6:37and how sexism is a devaluing
of the feminine -
6:37 - 6:40and how it manifests
both explicitly and implicitly. -
6:41 - 6:45But this situation, this aversion
to a bag full of pink stuff, -
6:45 - 6:49forced me to explore my rejection
of highly feminized things -
6:49 - 6:50in my child's world.
-
6:51 - 6:54I realized that I was reinforcing sexism
-
6:54 - 6:56and the cultural norms
I teach as problematic. -
6:57 - 7:00No matter how much I believed
in gender neutrality in theory, -
7:00 - 7:05in practice, the absence of femininity
is not neutrality, it's masculinity. -
7:06 - 7:09If I only dress my baby
in greens and blues and grays, -
7:09 - 7:13the outside world doesn't think,
"Oh, that's a cute gender-neutral baby." -
7:13 - 7:16They think, "Oh, what a cute boy."
-
7:17 - 7:20So my theoretical understanding of gender
and my parenting world collided hard. -
7:21 - 7:24Yes, I want a diversity of colors and toys
for my child to experience. -
7:24 - 7:27I want a balanced
environment for her to explore -
7:27 - 7:28and make sense of in her own way.
-
7:28 - 7:31We even picked a gender-neutral name
for our female-born child. -
7:31 - 7:35But gender neutrality is much easier
as a theoretical endeavor -
7:35 - 7:36than it is as a practice.
-
7:37 - 7:39And in my attempts
to create gender neutrality, -
7:39 - 7:43I was inadvertently privileging
masculinity over femininity. -
7:43 - 7:47So, rather than toning down
or eliminating femininity in our lives, -
7:47 - 7:49we make a concerted effort
to celebrate it. -
7:49 - 7:52We have pinks among the variety of colors,
-
7:52 - 7:54we balance out the cutes with handsomes
-
7:54 - 7:56and the prettys with strongs and smarts
-
7:56 - 7:59and work really hard
not to associate any words with gender. -
7:59 - 8:01We value femininity and masculinity
-
8:01 - 8:03while also being highly critical of it.
-
8:03 - 8:06And do our best to not make her feel
limited by gender roles. -
8:07 - 8:08And we do all this in hopes
-
8:08 - 8:12that we model a healthy and empowered
relationship with gender for our kid. -
8:13 - 8:17Now this work to develop a healthy
relationship with gender for Elliot -
8:17 - 8:20made me rethink and evaluate
how I allowed sexism to manifest -
8:20 - 8:21in my own gender identity.
-
8:22 - 8:24I began to reevaluate
how I was rejecting femininity -
8:24 - 8:27in order to live up to a masculinity
that was not healthy -
8:27 - 8:29or something I wanted to pass on.
-
8:30 - 8:33Doing this self-work
meant I had to reject option one. -
8:33 - 8:35I couldn't ignore and move on.
-
8:35 - 8:36I had to choose option two.
-
8:37 - 8:40I had to engage with some
of my most uncomfortable parts -
8:40 - 8:41to move towards my most authentic self.
-
8:41 - 8:45And that meant I had to get real
about the discomfort I have with my body. -
8:46 - 8:50It's pretty common for trans people
to feel uncomfortable in their body, -
8:50 - 8:53and this discomfort can range
from debilitating to annoying -
8:53 - 8:54and everywhere in between.
-
8:54 - 8:58And learning my body and how
to be comfortable in it as a trans person -
8:58 - 8:59has been a lifelong journey.
-
8:59 - 9:01I've always struggled
with the parts of my body -
9:01 - 9:03that can be defined as more feminine --
-
9:03 - 9:06my chest, my hips, my voice.
-
9:06 - 9:09And I've made the sometimes hard,
sometimes easy decision -
9:09 - 9:12to not take hormones
or have any surgeries to change it -
9:12 - 9:14to make myself more masculine
by society's standards. -
9:15 - 9:19And while I certainly haven't overcome
all the feelings of dissatisfaction, -
9:19 - 9:21I realized that by not engaging
with that discomfort -
9:21 - 9:24and coming to a positive
and affirming place with my body, -
9:24 - 9:28I was reinforcing sexism, transphobia
and modeling body shaming. -
9:29 - 9:30If I hate my body,
-
9:30 - 9:33in particular, the parts
society deems feminine or female, -
9:33 - 9:37I potentially damage how my kid
can see the possibilities of her body -
9:37 - 9:39and her feminine and female parts.
-
9:40 - 9:42If I hate or am uncomfortable
with my body, -
9:42 - 9:44how can I expect my kid to love hers?
-
9:46 - 9:48Now it would be easier for me
to choose option one: -
9:49 - 9:53to ignore my kid when she asks me
about my body or to hide it from her. -
9:53 - 9:55But I have to choose option two every day.
-
9:56 - 10:00I have to confront my own assumptions
about what a dad's body can and should be. -
10:00 - 10:03So I work every day to try
and be more comfortable in this body -
10:03 - 10:05and in the ways I express femininity.
-
10:05 - 10:07So I talk about it more,
-
10:07 - 10:09I explore the depths of this discomfort
-
10:09 - 10:11and find language
that I feel comfortable with. -
10:11 - 10:14And this daily discomfort helps me build
both agency and authenticity -
10:14 - 10:16in how I show up in my body
and in my gender. -
10:17 - 10:19I'm working against limiting myself.
-
10:19 - 10:21I want to show her
that a dad can have hips, -
10:21 - 10:24a dad doesn't have to have
a perfectly flat chest -
10:24 - 10:26or even be able to grow facial hair.
-
10:26 - 10:28And when she's developmentally able to,
-
10:28 - 10:31I want to talk to her
about my journey with my body. -
10:31 - 10:33I want her to see my journey
towards authenticity -
10:33 - 10:36even when it means showing her
the messier parts. -
10:37 - 10:39We have a wonderful pediatrician
-
10:39 - 10:42and have established a good relationship
with our kid's doctor. -
10:42 - 10:45And as you all know,
while your doctor stays the same, -
10:45 - 10:47your nurses and nurse practitioners
change in and out. -
10:47 - 10:50And when Elliot was first born,
we took her to the pediatrician -
10:50 - 10:53and we met our first nurse --
we'll call her Sarah. -
10:53 - 10:55Very early in in our time with Sarah,
-
10:55 - 10:57we told her how I was
going to be called "dad" -
10:57 - 10:58and my partner is "mama."
-
10:58 - 11:01Sarah was one of those folks
that took it in stride, -
11:01 - 11:03and our subsequent visits
went pretty smoothly. -
11:03 - 11:05And about a year later,
Sarah switched shifts -
11:05 - 11:08and we started working
with a new nurse -- we'll call her Becky. -
11:08 - 11:10We didn't get in front
of the dad conversations -
11:10 - 11:13and it didn't actually come up
until Sarah, our original nurse, -
11:13 - 11:15walked in to say hi.
-
11:15 - 11:18Sarah's warm and bubbly and said hi
to Elliot and me and my wife -
11:18 - 11:20and when talking to Elliot
said something like, -
11:20 - 11:22"Is your daddy holding your toy?"
-
11:22 - 11:23Now out of the corner of my eye,
-
11:23 - 11:25I could see Becky
swing around in her chair -
11:25 - 11:27and make daggers at Sarah.
-
11:28 - 11:31And as the conversation shifted
to our pediatrician, -
11:31 - 11:34I saw Sarah and Becky's interaction
continue, and it went something like this. -
11:34 - 11:38Becky, shaking her head "no"
and mouthing the word "mom." -
11:39 - 11:43Sarah, shaking her head "no"
and mouthing the word "no, dad." -
11:43 - 11:45(Laughter)
-
11:46 - 11:47Awkward, right?
-
11:47 - 11:50So this went back and forth
in total silence a few more times -
11:50 - 11:51until we walked away.
-
11:52 - 11:54Now, this interaction has stuck with me.
-
11:54 - 11:56Sarah could have chosen option one,
-
11:56 - 11:59ignored Becky, and let her
refer to me as mom. -
11:59 - 12:01It would have been easier for Sarah.
-
12:01 - 12:05She could have put the responsibility
back on me or not said anything at all. -
12:05 - 12:08But in that moment, she chose option two.
-
12:08 - 12:11She chose to confront the assumptions
and affirm my existence. -
12:11 - 12:14She insisted that a person
who looks and sounds like me -
12:14 - 12:15can in fact be a dad.
-
12:15 - 12:17And in a small but meaningful way,
-
12:17 - 12:20advocated for me,
my authenticity and my family. -
12:22 - 12:26Unfortunately, we live in a world
that refuses to acknowledge trans people -
12:26 - 12:29and the diversity
of trans people in general. -
12:30 - 12:32And my hope is that when confronted
with an opportunity -
12:32 - 12:34to stand up for someone else,
-
12:34 - 12:37we all take action like Sarah,
even when there's risk involved. -
12:39 - 12:43So some days, the risk of being
a genderqueer dad feels too much. -
12:43 - 12:46And deciding to be a dad
has been really hard. -
12:46 - 12:48And I'm sure it will continue
to be the hardest, -
12:48 - 12:50yet the most rewarding
experience of my life. -
12:51 - 12:54But despite this challenge,
every day has felt 100 percent worth it. -
12:55 - 12:58So each day I affirm my promise to Elliot
-
12:58 - 13:00and that same promise to myself.
-
13:00 - 13:02To love her and myself hard
-
13:02 - 13:05with forgiveness and compassion,
-
13:05 - 13:07with tough love and with generosity.
-
13:07 - 13:11To give room for growth,
to push beyond comfort -
13:11 - 13:13in hopes of attaining and living
a more meaningful life. -
13:14 - 13:16I know in my head and in my heart
-
13:16 - 13:19that there are hard and painful
and uncomfortable days ahead. -
13:19 - 13:21My head and my heart also know
-
13:21 - 13:24that all of it will lead
to a more rich, authentic life -
13:24 - 13:26that I can look back on without regrets.
-
13:26 - 13:27Thank you.
-
13:27 - 13:31(Applause)
- Title:
- What it's like to be a transgender dad
- Speaker:
- LB Hannahs
- Description:
-
LB Hannahs candidly shares the experience of parenting as a genderqueer individual -- and what it can teach us about authenticity and advocacy. "Authenticity doesn't mean 'comfortable.' It means managing and negotiating the discomfort of everyday life," Hannahs says.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 13:44
Krystian Aparta commented on English subtitles for What it's like to be a transgender dad | ||
Krystian Aparta edited English subtitles for What it's like to be a transgender dad | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What it's like to be a transgender dad | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What it's like to be a transgender dad | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What it's like to be a transgender dad | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for What it's like to be a transgender dad | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for What it's like to be a transgender dad | ||
Krystian Aparta accepted English subtitles for What it's like to be a transgender dad |
Krystian Aparta
The TEDx version of this talk is available for translation at https://amara.org/en/videos/Zcv2UJ0fFDlp/info/finding-authenticity-in-discomfort-lb-hannahs-tedxuf