The journey through loss and grief
-
0:01 - 0:04There are three words
that explain why I am here. -
0:05 - 0:10They are "Amy Krouse Rosenthal."
-
0:11 - 0:13At the end of Amy's life,
-
0:13 - 0:15hyped up on morphine and home in hospice,
-
0:16 - 0:19the "New York Times"
published an article she wrote -
0:19 - 0:22for the "Modern Love" column
on March 3, 2017. -
0:23 - 0:26It was read worldwide
by over five million people. -
0:27 - 0:31The piece was unbearably sad,
-
0:31 - 0:32ironically funny
-
0:32 - 0:34and brutally honest.
-
0:35 - 0:38While it was certainly
about our life together, -
0:38 - 0:40the focus of the piece was me.
-
0:41 - 0:45It was called, "You May
Want to Marry My Husband." -
0:45 - 0:48It was a creative play
on a personal ad for me. -
0:48 - 0:52Amy quite literally left
an empty space for me to fill -
0:52 - 0:54with another love story.
-
0:56 - 0:57Amy was my wife for half my life.
-
0:58 - 1:03She was my partner in raising
three wonderful, now grown children, -
1:03 - 1:05and really, she was my girl, you know?
-
1:05 - 1:07We had so much in common.
-
1:08 - 1:10We loved the same art,
-
1:10 - 1:13the same documentaries, the same music.
-
1:13 - 1:15Music was a huge part
of our life together. -
1:15 - 1:17And we shared the same values.
-
1:18 - 1:20We were in love,
-
1:20 - 1:24and our love grew stronger
up until her last day. -
1:25 - 1:27Amy was a prolific author.
-
1:27 - 1:30In addition to two groundbreaking memoirs,
-
1:30 - 1:32she published over 30 children's books.
-
1:33 - 1:36Posthumously, the book she wrote
with our daughter Paris, -
1:36 - 1:37called "Dear Girl,"
-
1:38 - 1:41reached the number one position
on the "New York Times" bestseller list. -
1:42 - 1:45She was a self-described tiny filmmaker.
-
1:46 - 1:49She was 5'1" and her films
were not that long. -
1:49 - 1:50(Laughter)
-
1:50 - 1:54Her films exemplified her natural ability
to gather people together. -
1:55 - 1:58She was also a terrific public speaker,
-
1:58 - 2:01talking with children
and adults of all ages -
2:01 - 2:02all over the world.
-
2:04 - 2:08Now, my story of grief is only unique
in the sense of it being rather public. -
2:08 - 2:13However, the grieving process itself
was not my story alone. -
2:14 - 2:17Amy gave me permission to move forward,
and I'm so grateful for that. -
2:18 - 2:21Now, just a little over a year
into my new life, -
2:21 - 2:23I've learned a few things.
-
2:24 - 2:27I'm here to share with you
part of the process of moving forward -
2:27 - 2:29through and with grief.
-
2:30 - 2:33But before I do that,
I think it would be important -
2:33 - 2:35to talk a little bit
about the end of life, -
2:35 - 2:38because it forms how I have been
emotionally since then. -
2:39 - 2:41Death is such a taboo subject, right?
-
2:42 - 2:46Amy ate her last meal on January 9, 2017.
-
2:47 - 2:49She somehow lived an additional two months
-
2:49 - 2:50without solid food.
-
2:51 - 2:56Her doctors told us
we could do hospice at home -
2:56 - 2:57or in the hospital.
-
2:58 - 3:02They did not tell us that Amy
would shrink to half her body weight, -
3:02 - 3:05that she would never lay
with her husband again, -
3:05 - 3:09and that walking upstairs to our bedroom
would soon feel like running a marathon. -
3:11 - 3:16Home hospice does have an aura of being
a beautiful environment to die in. -
3:16 - 3:19How great that you don't have
the sounds of machines beeping -
3:19 - 3:21and going on and off all the time,
-
3:21 - 3:25no disruptions for mandatory
drug administration, -
3:25 - 3:29home with your family to die.
-
3:31 - 3:35We did our best to make those weeks
as meaningful as we could. -
3:35 - 3:37We talked often about death.
-
3:37 - 3:40Everybody knows it's going
to happen to them, like, for sure, -
3:40 - 3:44but being able to talk openly
about it was liberating. -
3:45 - 3:47We talked about subjects like parenting.
-
3:48 - 3:53I asked Amy how I could be the best parent
possible to our children in her absence. -
3:54 - 3:57In those conversations,
she gave me confidence -
3:57 - 4:00by stressing what a great relationship
I had with each one of them, -
4:00 - 4:02and that I can do it.
-
4:03 - 4:05I know there will be many times
-
4:05 - 4:08where I wish she and I
can make decisions together. -
4:08 - 4:10We were always so in sync.
-
4:12 - 4:15May I be so audacious as to suggest
-
4:15 - 4:19that you have these conversations now,
-
4:19 - 4:20when healthy.
-
4:20 - 4:22Please don't wait.
-
4:24 - 4:28As part of our hospice experience,
we organized groups of visitors. -
4:28 - 4:32How brave of Amy to receive them,
even as she began her physical decline. -
4:33 - 4:35We had a Krouse night,
-
4:35 - 4:37her parents and three siblings.
-
4:37 - 4:40Friends and family were next.
-
4:40 - 4:43Each told beautiful stories
of Amy and of us. -
4:44 - 4:46Amy made an immense impact
on her loyal friends. -
4:49 - 4:53But home hospice is not so beautiful
for the surviving family members. -
4:54 - 4:57I want to get a little personal here
and tell you that to this date, -
4:58 - 5:01I have memories of those
final weeks that haunt me. -
5:03 - 5:06I remember walking backwards
to the bathroom, -
5:07 - 5:09assisting Amy with each step.
-
5:10 - 5:11I felt so strong.
-
5:12 - 5:13I'm not such a big guy,
-
5:13 - 5:18but my arms looked and felt so healthy
compared to Amy's frail body. -
5:20 - 5:22And that body failed in our house.
-
5:25 - 5:27On March 13 of last year,
-
5:28 - 5:32my wife died of ovarian cancer in our bed.
-
5:35 - 5:37I carried her lifeless body
-
5:38 - 5:40down our stairs,
-
5:42 - 5:43through our dining room
-
5:44 - 5:45and our living room
-
5:47 - 5:48to a waiting gurney
-
5:49 - 5:51to have her body cremated.
-
5:52 - 5:54I will never get that image
out of my head. -
5:55 - 5:58If you know someone who has been
through the hospice experience, -
5:58 - 6:00acknowledge that.
-
6:00 - 6:01Just say you heard this guy Jason
-
6:01 - 6:04talk about how tough it must be
to have those memories -
6:04 - 6:07and that you're there
if they ever want to talk about it. -
6:07 - 6:09They may not want to talk,
-
6:09 - 6:14but it's nice to connect with someone
living each day with those lasting images. -
6:15 - 6:19I know this sounds unbelievable,
but I've never been asked that question. -
6:21 - 6:24Amy's essay caused me
to experience grief in a public way. -
6:25 - 6:29Many of the readers who reached out to me
wrote beautiful words of reflection. -
6:30 - 6:33The scope of Amy's impact
was deeper and richer -
6:33 - 6:35than even us and her family knew.
-
6:36 - 6:40Some of the responses I received helped me
with the intense grieving process -
6:40 - 6:41because of their humor,
-
6:42 - 6:45like this email I received
from a woman reader -
6:45 - 6:47who read the article, declaring,
-
6:48 - 6:50"I will marry you when you are ready --
-
6:50 - 6:52(Laughter)
-
6:52 - 6:54"provided you permanently stop drinking.
-
6:55 - 6:56No other conditions.
-
6:58 - 6:59I promise to outlive you.
-
7:00 - 7:01Thank you very much."
-
7:03 - 7:07Now, I do like a good tequila,
but that really is not my issue. -
7:07 - 7:09Yet how could I say no to that proposal?
-
7:09 - 7:11(Laughter)
-
7:11 - 7:15I laughed through the tears when I read
this note from a family friend: -
7:16 - 7:19"I remember Shabbat dinners at your home
-
7:19 - 7:22and Amy teaching me
how to make cornbread croutons. -
7:23 - 7:27Only Amy could find
creativity in croutons." -
7:27 - 7:28(Laughter)
-
7:31 - 7:34On July 27, just a few months
after Amy's death, -
7:34 - 7:36my dad died of complications
-
7:36 - 7:39related to a decades-long battle
with Parkinson's disease. -
7:40 - 7:44I had to wonder: How much
can the human condition handle? -
7:45 - 7:48What makes us capable
of dealing with this intense loss -
7:48 - 7:50and yet carry on?
-
7:50 - 7:52Was this a test?
-
7:52 - 7:55Why my family and my amazing children?
-
7:56 - 8:00Looking for answers, I regret to say,
is a lifelong mission, -
8:00 - 8:04but the key to my being able to persevere
-
8:04 - 8:08is Amy's expressed and very public edict
-
8:08 - 8:10that I must go on.
-
8:12 - 8:14Throughout this year,
I have done just that. -
8:15 - 8:19I have attempted to step out
and seek the joy and the beauty -
8:19 - 8:22that I know this life
is capable of providing. -
8:24 - 8:26But here's the reality:
-
8:27 - 8:28those family gatherings,
-
8:28 - 8:31attending weddings
and events honoring Amy, -
8:31 - 8:33as loving as they are,
-
8:33 - 8:35have all been very difficult to endure.
-
8:36 - 8:37People say I'm amazing.
-
8:38 - 8:40"How do you handle yourself
that way during those times?" -
8:40 - 8:43They say, "You do it with such grace."
-
8:45 - 8:46Well, guess what?
-
8:46 - 8:49I really am sad a lot of the time.
-
8:50 - 8:53I often feel like I'm kind of a mess,
-
8:53 - 8:57and I know these feelings
apply to other surviving spouses, -
8:57 - 9:00children, parents
-
9:01 - 9:02and other family members.
-
9:04 - 9:07In Japanese Zen, there is a term "Shoji,"
-
9:07 - 9:09which translates as "birth death."
-
9:10 - 9:13There is no separation
between life and death -
9:13 - 9:15other than a thin line
that connects the two. -
9:16 - 9:21Birth, or the joyous,
wonderful, vital parts of life, -
9:21 - 9:23and death, those things
we want to get rid of, -
9:23 - 9:25are said to be faced equally.
-
9:27 - 9:29In this new life that I find myself in,
-
9:29 - 9:34I am doing my best to embrace this concept
as I move forward with grieving. -
9:35 - 9:38In the early months
following Amy's death, though, -
9:38 - 9:42I was sure that the feeling of despair
would be ever-present, -
9:42 - 9:43that it would be all-consuming.
-
9:45 - 9:48Soon I was fortunate
to receive some promising advice. -
9:50 - 9:52Many members of the losing-a-spouse club
-
9:52 - 9:53reached out to me.
-
9:54 - 9:58One friend in particular who had also
lost her life partner kept repeating, -
9:58 - 10:02"Jason, you will find joy."
-
10:03 - 10:05I didn't even know
what she was talking about. -
10:05 - 10:06How was that possible?
-
10:08 - 10:10But because Amy gave me
very public permission -
10:10 - 10:13to also find happiness,
-
10:13 - 10:16I now have experienced joy
from time to time. -
10:18 - 10:22There it was, dancing the night away
at an LCD Soundsystem concert, -
10:23 - 10:27traveling with my brother and best friend
or with a college buddy on a boys' trip -
10:27 - 10:30to meet a group of great guys
I never met before. -
10:31 - 10:36From observing that my deck had sun
beating down on it on a cold day, -
10:36 - 10:38stepping out in it, laying there,
-
10:38 - 10:40the warmth consuming my body.
-
10:43 - 10:47The joy comes from my three
stunning children. -
10:49 - 10:51There was my son Justin,
-
10:51 - 10:53texting me a picture of himself
with an older gentleman -
10:53 - 10:58with a massive, strong forearm
and the caption, "I just met Popeye," -
10:58 - 11:00with a huge grin on his face.
-
11:00 - 11:01(Laughter)
-
11:01 - 11:04There was his brother Miles,
walking to the train -
11:04 - 11:06for his first day of work
after graduating college, -
11:07 - 11:09who stopped and looked
back at me and asked, -
11:10 - 11:11"What am I forgetting?"
-
11:11 - 11:15I assured him right away,
"You are 100 percent ready. You got this." -
11:16 - 11:18And my daughter Paris,
-
11:18 - 11:21walking together
through Battersea Park in London, -
11:21 - 11:23the leaves piled high,
-
11:23 - 11:27the sun glistening in the early morning
on our way to yoga. -
11:29 - 11:32I would add that beauty
is also there to discover, -
11:32 - 11:35and I mean beauty of the wabi-sabi variety
-
11:35 - 11:36but beauty nonetheless.
-
11:37 - 11:40On the one hand, when I see something
in this category, I want to say, -
11:41 - 11:43"Amy, did you see that? Did you hear that?
-
11:43 - 11:46It's too beautiful
for you not to share with me." -
11:48 - 11:50On the other hand,
-
11:51 - 11:53I now experience these moments
-
11:53 - 11:55in an entirely new way.
-
11:57 - 11:59There was the beauty I found in music,
-
11:59 - 12:03like the moment in the newest
Manchester Orchestra album, -
12:03 - 12:04when the song "The Alien"
-
12:04 - 12:07seamlessly transitions
into "The Sunshine," -
12:08 - 12:12or the haunting beauty
of Luke Sital-Singh's "Killing Me," -
12:12 - 12:14whose chorus reads,
-
12:14 - 12:17"And it's killing me
that you're not here with me. -
12:18 - 12:22I'm living happily,
but I'm feeling guilty." -
12:24 - 12:28There is beauty in the simple moments
that life has to offer, -
12:28 - 12:32a way of seeing that world
that was so much a part of Amy's DNA, -
12:33 - 12:35like on my morning commute,
-
12:35 - 12:38looking at the sun
reflecting off of Lake Michigan, -
12:38 - 12:41or stopping and truly seeing
how the light shines -
12:41 - 12:44at different times of the day
-
12:44 - 12:46in the house we built together;
-
12:47 - 12:51even after a Chicago storm,
noticing the fresh buildup of snow -
12:51 - 12:53throughout the neighborhood;
-
12:53 - 12:56or peeking into my daughter's room
-
12:56 - 12:59as she's practicing the bass guitar.
-
13:01 - 13:05Listen, I want to make it clear
that I'm a very fortunate person. -
13:06 - 13:10I have the most amazing family
that loves and supports me. -
13:11 - 13:14I have the resources for personal growth
during my time of grief. -
13:16 - 13:17But whether it's a divorce,
-
13:18 - 13:21losing a job you worked so hard at
-
13:21 - 13:23or having a family member die suddenly
-
13:23 - 13:26or of a slow-moving and painful death,
-
13:27 - 13:29I would like to offer you
-
13:29 - 13:30what I was given:
-
13:31 - 13:34a blank of sheet of paper.
-
13:35 - 13:39What will you do
with your intentional empty space, -
13:40 - 13:43with your fresh start?
-
13:44 - 13:45Thank you.
-
13:45 - 13:51(Applause)
- Title:
- The journey through loss and grief
- Speaker:
- Jason B. Rosenthal
- Description:
-
In her brutally honest, ironically funny and widely read meditation on death, "You May Want to Marry My Husband," the late author and filmmaker Amy Krouse Rosenthal gave her husband Jason very public permission to move on and find happiness. A year after her death, Jason offers candid insights on the often excruciating process of moving through and with loss -- as well as some quiet wisdom for anyone else experiencing life-changing grief.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDTalks
- Duration:
- 14:08
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for The journey through loss and grief | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for The journey through loss and grief | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for The journey through loss and grief | ||
Brian Greene approved English subtitles for The journey through loss and grief | ||
Brian Greene edited English subtitles for The journey through loss and grief | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz accepted English subtitles for The journey through loss and grief | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for The journey through loss and grief | ||
Joanna Pietrulewicz edited English subtitles for The journey through loss and grief |