Is casual sex bad for you? | Dr. Zhana Vrangalova | TEDxCollegeofWilliam&Mary
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0:06 - 0:12Hi, so our world today is a far more
sexually permissive place -
0:12 - 0:15than it used to be 50 years ago.
-
0:15 - 0:19These days, for most people,
premarital sex is okay, -
0:20 - 0:22oral sex is okay.
-
0:22 - 0:27In this post-"50 Shades of Grey" era,
even kinky sex is okay. -
0:28 - 0:33But we're still very conflicted
as a society and as individuals -
0:33 - 0:38over whether it's acceptable
and healthy to have casual sex; -
0:38 - 0:42sex outside the confines
of long-term, romantic relationships. -
0:42 - 0:45We are constantly surrounded by it,
-
0:45 - 0:49yet we are often told it's bad for us,
we shouldn't be doing it. -
0:49 - 0:55By the time we are 25, 70% of us
will have hooked up at least once, -
0:56 - 1:00and yet most of us will worry
we shouldn't really be doing it. -
1:01 - 1:04But there's something
that doesn't make sense here to me -
1:04 - 1:08about this love-hate relationship
we have with casual sex. -
1:08 - 1:12We all seem to agree
that sex with a romantic partner -
1:12 - 1:15has all these amazing benefits,
-
1:15 - 1:17from longer and healthier lives,
-
1:17 - 1:21to better relationships
and greater happiness. -
1:21 - 1:25So, how come that same sexual activity
-
1:26 - 1:28has the exact opposite effect
-
1:28 - 1:31if our partner is a stranger or a friend?
-
1:31 - 1:33Is sex somehow good for us
-
1:33 - 1:37only because of the love and commitment
we feel for our partners? -
1:37 - 1:39And without that love and commitment,
-
1:39 - 1:42it automatically turns
into a destructive force? -
1:43 - 1:47Isn't there something good
in just, you know, sex? -
1:48 - 1:51When I started my PhD
in Developmental Psychology, -
1:51 - 1:53I decided to get to the bottom of this.
-
1:53 - 1:56Is casual sex objectively bad for us?
-
1:56 - 2:01Or is this just another grossly
over-exaggerated moral sex panic -
2:01 - 2:04that the US has had no shortage of?
-
2:05 - 2:07In the 10 years since,
we've learned a great deal -
2:07 - 2:10about casual sex
from social science research -
2:10 - 2:13- my own and that of other scholars -
-
2:13 - 2:17but virtually 90% of that knowledge
is based on US undergrads. -
2:18 - 2:21And trust me, you are not
the only people hooking up. -
2:21 - 2:23(Laughter)
-
2:23 - 2:26So to supplement our knowledge
and understanding of this phenomenon, -
2:26 - 2:30I started this website,
called "The Casual Sex Project." -
2:30 - 2:34It's an online space for people
of all demographic backgrounds -
2:34 - 2:36to share their true stories of hook ups.
-
2:38 - 2:42My hope was to give people
a chance to tell their stories, -
2:42 - 2:47make sense of their experiences
through this process of storytelling, -
2:47 - 2:52but also, to paint
a more diverse, richer picture -
2:52 - 2:55of what casual sex really looks like;
-
2:55 - 3:00what it means to people, what it
feels like, what its aftermath may be. -
3:01 - 3:04In the 10 months
since the website's been up, -
3:04 - 3:08it's been viewed over six million times.
-
3:08 - 3:12Over 1200 stories have been shared
by people from all over the world, -
3:12 - 3:16and it's been written about
on six continents. -
3:16 - 3:22So what have all these stories and studies
taught us about casual sex and well-being? -
3:22 - 3:27Well, here are a few things
that you may not have been aware of. -
3:28 - 3:33First of all, casual sex
has many potential benefits. -
3:33 - 3:37Perhaps the most obvious one
is sexual pleasure. -
3:37 - 3:41Orgasms, hedonic ecstasy, if you will.
-
3:42 - 3:46Then there are things
like learning new sexual skills, -
3:46 - 3:48making new friends,
-
3:48 - 3:50(Laughter)
-
3:50 - 3:51it's a good one.
-
3:53 - 3:57An increased sense of self-confidence,
-
3:57 - 4:00accomplishment, desirability,
-
4:01 - 4:04empowerment, freedom.
-
4:05 - 4:08Then there are collecting
fun stories and memories -
4:08 - 4:13to tell your friends at the
senior citizens' home, many years later, -
4:13 - 4:16or share on the casual sex project.
-
4:16 - 4:20There's even experiencing
that deep, emotional, -
4:20 - 4:24spiritual, intellectual connection
with another human being -
4:25 - 4:29that sometimes happens even though
no romantic feelings are involved. -
4:30 - 4:36But casual sex has yet another
powerful pull on us. -
4:36 - 4:39As Esther Perel so eloquently puts it,
-
4:39 - 4:43humans have this fundamental
need for adventure, -
4:43 - 4:49novelty, mystery, risk, danger,
-
4:49 - 4:52the unknown, the unexpected.
-
4:53 - 4:58Some more than others,
but it's there in our DNA. -
4:58 - 5:03And that is a need that casual sex
satisfies effortlessly -
5:03 - 5:05by its very nature,
-
5:06 - 5:11and it's a need that's much
more difficult, if not impossible, to meet -
5:11 - 5:16in the long-term part
of long-term relationships. -
5:18 - 5:21Now, there are of course risks:
-
5:21 - 5:26unsatisfying sex, broken hearts,
-
5:26 - 5:32ruined friendships, regret, coercion,
-
5:33 - 5:36confusion, awkwardness,
-
5:37 - 5:40STI's and unwanted pregnancies,
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5:41 - 5:45social stigma, disrespectful partners.
-
5:46 - 5:52Now, people fear that most of the time
these cons outweigh the pros. -
5:53 - 5:56But that is simply not true.
-
5:58 - 6:01Study after study finds this pattern
-
6:01 - 6:04for how people feel
following their hook ups. -
6:06 - 6:11For both men and women alike,
positive post-hook-up reactions -
6:11 - 6:13- happy, pleased, excited -
-
6:14 - 6:17are much stronger than
negative hook up reactions; -
6:17 - 6:20used, empty, disappointed.
-
6:22 - 6:27Other studies show that casual sex
has little to no impact -
6:27 - 6:29on longer-term psychological well-being.
-
6:29 - 6:35Things like self-esteem,
life satisfaction, depression, anxiety. -
6:36 - 6:41Now, of course, this doesn't mean
that all hook ups follow this pattern, -
6:42 - 6:46or that this pattern is typical
of everybody who hooks up, -
6:46 - 6:48and that no one's well-being
is ever affected. -
6:48 - 6:51No, these are just averages.
-
6:51 - 6:55When you look more closely
at the people and the experiences -
6:55 - 6:57making up these averages,
-
6:57 - 7:01you find that some hook ups
do indeed have the potential -
7:01 - 7:04to harm or benefit well-being.
-
7:04 - 7:08And some people are more
susceptible to that potential. -
7:09 - 7:13So whether casual sex
is good for you or not -
7:13 - 7:17depends on who you are and how you do it.
-
7:20 - 7:23There are many factors
this relationship can depend on, -
7:23 - 7:26and I couldn't possibly cover
all of them in one 18 minute talk. -
7:27 - 7:32But one critical one is "authenticity."
-
7:32 - 7:37Doing only the kinds of things
that are fully in line with who you are; -
7:37 - 7:41your beliefs, your values,
your desires, your needs. -
7:42 - 7:44Casual sex is not for everyone.
-
7:44 - 7:47Nothing sexual ever is, really.
-
7:47 - 7:51Due to differences in nature,
nurture, and life circumstances, -
7:51 - 7:56some of us have a much stronger
general need for sexual novelty, -
7:56 - 8:00and much greater comfort having sex
with people we don't know very well. -
8:01 - 8:04So figure out where you are
on this spectrum. -
8:05 - 8:07Is hooking up with people
you're not dating -
8:07 - 8:12something that sounds enjoyable, exciting,
-
8:12 - 8:15an important experience to have?
-
8:15 - 8:18Morally acceptable to you?
-
8:19 - 8:21Would you be hooking up with this person
-
8:21 - 8:24even if you are never
going to see them afterwards? -
8:25 - 8:30If the answer to most of these is "no,"
you shouldn't really be doing it. -
8:33 - 8:37Now, there's a bit
of an elephant in the room -
8:37 - 8:42when we talk about pleasure
in heterosexual casual sex: -
8:42 - 8:46the orgasm gap between men and women.
-
8:47 - 8:51In a study of over 20,000 undergrads,
-
8:51 - 8:5580% of men had an orgasm
during their most recent hook up. -
8:56 - 8:58(Laughter)
-
8:58 - 9:03This was true of only 40% of women.
-
9:05 - 9:10Now, there's an orgasm gap
in romantic encounters too, -
9:10 - 9:13but it's twice as large in hook ups.
-
9:14 - 9:18This doesn't mean that women
aren't enjoying it necessarily. -
9:18 - 9:23In this same study, 90% of the women
said they enjoyed their hook up very much, -
9:23 - 9:25or at least somewhat.
-
9:27 - 9:30Most of them enjoyed it
very much, about 70+%. -
9:31 - 9:35But we can all do better.
-
9:35 - 9:36(Laughter)
-
9:36 - 9:39I mean, this gap needs closing.
-
9:39 - 9:45Women need to learn to be more selfish,
demand their sexual pleasure. -
9:46 - 9:52And men need to learn to be more giving,
try harder to please their partners, -
9:52 - 9:55even in the briefest of one night stands.
-
9:55 - 10:00You know, casual sex doesn't have
to be devoid of all intimacy and passion. -
10:01 - 10:04It's not like you're doing laundry
or picking up your mail. -
10:05 - 10:09Try to give and get as much
sexual pleasure out of every hook up. -
10:10 - 10:11That's the whole point.
-
10:17 - 10:22One major factor that keeps people
from engaging in casual sex to begin with -
10:22 - 10:24is the social stigma attached to it.
-
10:24 - 10:27This dreaded reputation
-
10:28 - 10:33is unfortunately much more constraining
of women's behavior than it is of men's. -
10:34 - 10:36But here's an interesting thing.
-
10:37 - 10:39People do indeed say
-
10:39 - 10:43they don't want to be friends or spouses
with promiscuous others. -
10:43 - 10:48But more promiscuous college students
of both sexes actually report -
10:49 - 10:53having more friends
and feeling less lonely -
10:53 - 10:56than their less promiscuous peers.
-
10:56 - 11:00So, if casual sex is going to be
a part of your life, -
11:00 - 11:03yes, there will be people
who will judge you. -
11:03 - 11:06But you can surround yourself
with people who won't. -
11:09 - 11:14Now, an unfortunate reality of hook ups,
especially college hook ups, -
11:15 - 11:18is how often they are driven by alcohol.
-
11:19 - 11:22When researchers asked freshmen women
-
11:22 - 11:26to track all their sexual encounters
over one academic year, -
11:26 - 11:28this is what they found.
-
11:29 - 11:35The less known the partner was,
the more likely alcohol was involved. -
11:35 - 11:38You can't see it unfortunately
at the end over there, -
11:38 - 11:44but when it was a stranger,
90% of all hook ups involved drinking. -
11:45 - 11:4963% involved heavy drinking,
four or more drinks. -
11:50 - 11:52Then you may look at this
and be like, "Yeah, so what?" -
11:52 - 11:54But it's not, "So what."
-
11:54 - 11:56This is really unfortunate.
-
11:56 - 11:59Because judgment impaired
due to alcohol or drugs -
11:59 - 12:03is the number one reason
for unwanted hook ups, -
12:03 - 12:05hook ups you regret the next day.
-
12:08 - 12:13A couple of drinks to set the mood
or for liquid courage is one thing, -
12:13 - 12:15But getting smashed?
-
12:15 - 12:18That makes you do things
you didn't want to do -
12:18 - 12:21with people you didn't
want to do them with, -
12:21 - 12:27it diminishes your physiological ability
to enjoy sex or perform sexually, -
12:28 - 12:33it inhibits your psychological ability
to set boundaries and express desires, -
12:34 - 12:37it weakens your determination
to use condoms, -
12:38 - 12:43it makes you more sexually aggressive
or more vulnerable to sexual aggression, -
12:44 - 12:47and it also just blurs your memories,
-
12:47 - 12:50and I mean, don't you want to remember it?
-
12:53 - 12:58If you need to be drunk to be hooking up,
you should not be hooking up at all. -
13:01 - 13:06Now, sexual desire and romantic love
-
13:06 - 13:11are two distinct psychological
and physiological systems -
13:11 - 13:14that evolved for two different
evolutionary purposes: -
13:14 - 13:19making babies versus staying together
long enough for those babies to survive. -
13:20 - 13:23But the two systems are not independent.
-
13:23 - 13:28Sex can set in motion a cascade
of neurochemical processes in the brain -
13:28 - 13:31that lead to love.
-
13:31 - 13:34Neurotransmitters released during sex
-
13:34 - 13:37- oxytocin, vasopressin, dopamine -
-
13:37 - 13:43they make you bond to your partner
even if you didn't want that to happen. -
13:43 - 13:46And the more you have
sex with that person, -
13:46 - 13:48the stronger that bond grows.
-
13:48 - 13:54Then, when those bonds get broken,
as they often do in casual relationships, -
13:54 - 13:56it hurts.
-
13:57 - 13:59Now, some people are luckier;
-
13:59 - 14:03their brains are wired in a way
that they don't get attached very easily. -
14:04 - 14:10But you can also fight
this involuntary infatuation with reason. -
14:12 - 14:16Not every person who gives you great
orgasms and treats you well afterwards -
14:16 - 14:19would make a great long-term partner.
-
14:19 - 14:22You know, go down
your relationship checklist -
14:22 - 14:26and find all those red flags
of incompatibility. -
14:27 - 14:31Then, resist the urge
to text them 20 times a day, -
14:31 - 14:32(Laughter)
-
14:32 - 14:35or start naming your kids
and planning your life together -
14:35 - 14:37as soon as they leave your house.
-
14:38 - 14:40Keep yourself busy.
-
14:40 - 14:44Have a rotation of partners, perhaps.
-
14:44 - 14:46Works for you all.
-
14:46 - 14:48(Laughter)
-
14:48 - 14:53Finally, casual sex
is not just for single people. -
14:54 - 14:58Remember that novelty and adventure thing
I talked about in the beginning? -
14:58 - 15:03Well, many people in long-term
relationships also crave novelty, -
15:03 - 15:06sometimes much more so than single people.
-
15:07 - 15:12Some try to suppress those needs
and hope they go away; -
15:12 - 15:16others cheat and hope
their partners don't find out. -
15:16 - 15:20But an increasing number of people,
about 4-5% at our current best estimate, -
15:21 - 15:24are starting to incorporate casual sex
-
15:24 - 15:27into their long-term, loving,
committed relationships -
15:27 - 15:30in an open and honest way,
-
15:30 - 15:33in a consensually, non-monogamous way.
-
15:34 - 15:36If this is something
that might interest you, -
15:36 - 15:42there is a growing movement of ethical
or responsible non-monogamy out there -
15:42 - 15:44that you might want to explore,
-
15:44 - 15:48starting with this awesome book
called "The Ethical Slut." -
15:50 - 15:53All said and done,
-
15:53 - 15:57there's nothing inherently wrong
or inherently unhealthy -
15:57 - 16:00about wanting casual sex
or having it often. -
16:00 - 16:05Casual sex can be a source
of mental and physical suffering. -
16:05 - 16:08But it can also be an amazing experience
-
16:08 - 16:12that enriches your life
and brings great happiness. -
16:12 - 16:14Now, unlike with romantic encounters,
-
16:14 - 16:18with hook ups you are taking a risk.
-
16:18 - 16:22And sometimes you get rewarded,
and sometimes you don't. -
16:22 - 16:25There's no way you can
control all the factors, -
16:25 - 16:28but there is a lot you can do
-
16:28 - 16:31to maximize your chances
of getting rewarded. -
16:31 - 16:35Take responsibility for your experience.
-
16:35 - 16:41You know, communicate clearly your likes,
dislikes, limitations, expectations. -
16:41 - 16:44Give an enthusiastic "yes"
to the things you want, -
16:44 - 16:48and a firm "no"
to the things you don't want. -
16:48 - 16:51This kind of sexual
assertiveness is important -
16:51 - 16:54no matter the partner type.
-
16:54 - 16:58But it's absolutely paramount
with casual partners -
16:58 - 17:01because they're definitely not psychic,
-
17:02 - 17:05they probably don't
know you well, or at all, -
17:05 - 17:10and sometimes they don't care much
about your safety or pleasure. -
17:10 - 17:15So you need to help your partners
treat you the way you want to be treated. -
17:16 - 17:22And whatever you do, please
use condoms, and do not get wasted. -
17:22 - 17:25Of course, mistakes happen.
-
17:25 - 17:27Learn from them, and move on.
-
17:27 - 17:32You know, remember the old saying:
"Practice makes perfect." -
17:32 - 17:36Studies actually show that the older
you get, and the more you do it, -
17:36 - 17:40the more skilled you become at navigating
these challenges of casual sex. -
17:40 - 17:43So, it gets better.
-
17:43 - 17:44And not just for the gay kids.
-
17:44 - 17:46Thank you.
-
17:46 - 17:48(Applause)
- Title:
- Is casual sex bad for you? | Dr. Zhana Vrangalova | TEDxCollegeofWilliam&Mary
- Description:
-
Dr Vrangalova discusses various concerns – social, health, ethical – about casual sex. She presents some research findings on the subject.
Zhana Vrangalova is a sex researcher who studies how various expressions of sexuality are related to psychological health and well-being. She gained a Ph. D. in Developmental Psychology from Cornell University and is currently an adjunct instructor at New York University.
This talk was given at a local TEDx event, produced independently of the TED Conferences.
- Video Language:
- English
- Team:
- closed TED
- Project:
- TEDxTalks
- Duration:
- 17:53
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Robert Tucker edited English subtitles for Is casual sex bad for you? | Dr. Zhana Vrangalova | TEDxCollegeofWilliam&Mary | ||
Robert Tucker edited English subtitles for Is casual sex bad for you? | Dr. Zhana Vrangalova | TEDxCollegeofWilliam&Mary | ||
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