CYPRIEN - TOP CHEF

There is a new TV show that just came out,

it's called Top Chef,

I don't know if you have seen it.

September 10, 2010.

Cyprien walks quietly in the street.

At the same time an asteroid threatens to
crash on the earth.

No measure is taken by the leading forces

who hadn't been warned due to an
error of inattention.

Fortunately, it degrades in the air and
becomes dust

which comes in contact with a piece of Cyprien's
oily hair,

and by a molecular reaction that we can't
explain now

coupled with a scriptwriting ease,

a time warp is created

propelling Cyprien several years into the future,

and, he will never know it.

I'm suffering from the Top Chef's curse.

That is to say that the evening when I eat the
worst crap,

it's the night that Top Chef's on.

What's for dinner ?

Well.. I took all the week's leftovers, put it all in a Tupperware container,

added a little water, put it in the micro-wave,

and here it is, a kind of quiche,

and for the bread, we've got pizza crusts.

30 seconds !

They do it on purpose ! They know it !

It's to put us off of not eating well.

Let me eat shit in peace.

There is one disingenuous thing with
Top Chef,

from the beginning, the opening credits,

with the head of all candidates,

they should remove the face of people
eliminated over the weeks,

it looks obvious !

Sorry but it's not good, for you the
adventure stops here.

Is it possible to remove me from
the credits ?

Not at all, no way !

We will show your face every week to
millions of viewers

who will think, "Fuck, I don't remember this guy at all".

Great.

This is Top Chef.

Honestly people who make this show, wow,

well done honestly, first because it's
really well paced,

the music ! Have you ever heard the music
they put in Top Chef ?

Oh, you're watching Pirates of the
Caribbean ?

No I'm watching a guy cuting leeks.

And what happen this year ?

They have changed almost the whole jury !

Thierry Marx, there is no Thierry
Marx anymore, my favorite !

Well, he left for new projects,

for gastronomic things, culinary,
something technical I guess,

which take him a lot of time,
that must be the reason.

Lustucru "As a chef",

pasta that make you want to cook,
as a chef.

The only remaining jury member is
the robot.

What ? Don't try to make me believe

that Jean-François Piège is a human being.

Someone who stands like this naturally,

is, of course, an artificial intelligence.

Excellent cooking, it's my favorite.

And who do they put in the jury ? Who ?

Philippe Etchebest !

The guy who yells at you non-stop,
like this :

Damn, trust yourself ! Where is your
creativity ?

Bring your creativity out !

If you don't regain control, it will
hit you, alright ?

People are lost because he screams,

so they cook shit, so he screams.

Well this it's normal to be confused,

in front of someone who has no eyebrows. It's off-putting.

What the hell are you doing ?

Damn ! Where are his eyebrows ?

Did he have them at the beginning of the
show ?

Is it contagious ?

Can I lose my eyebrows?!

No lies, every year it's almost the same,

every year tests are the same,

every year they must cook for kids,

every year there is an ass-kisser who
decides to cook some fucking vegetables

to impress the jury.

So, for kids, I made them some turnips,

with pickled cabbage,

a medley of forgotten vegetables,

with a sweet-and-sour sauce,

and all together shaped like a fish,

kids love when it's fish-shaped.

Yuck ! It's disgusting ! I wanna die !
I wanna die !

Really ?

Mom it's really not good !

I didn't expect it...

Every year, the winner is the one
who cooks pasta.

For 6 years now.

The black box's test.

This is crazy.

They must reproduce a dish,
that they must taste it, touch it,

in complete darkness. In a giant box.

With infrared cameras.

It's kind of weird in fact.

So, I've tasted everything,

put everything in my mouth,

I think that there is some seafood,

and cheese maybe,
a strong cheese.

What is it ? Yet, I licked everywhere.

It'll come back to me.

The horrible moment in this show,
it's the finale.

The finale is embarrassing,

Finalists have to prepare dozens of menus,

with the help of the guys who have been
eliminated before.

People told them : "sorry the adventure
is over,

you really suck, get lost !

Oh wait, come back, you will help someone
else to win."

So, in front of you, sweet potato
gnocchi,

chorizo emulsion, and a foie gras sauce

prepared by, wait... by, I forgot his name,

the guy who was kicked out on the
first week, right.

Bon appétit !

ANTIFREEZE

To find out who won the show,

because there is money to win,

they do a small staging, they go to the
finalists,

with all their friends, family and stuff,

they must pull a knife out of its case,

if the blade is orange, they have lost.

Well, maybe I have a twisted mind but

it's basic, survival instincts,

if I tell someone that he has lost,

I don't give him a bladed weapon.

It's your turn !

Orange blade, you lose.

100.000€ goes to the other finalist,

antifreeze in gnocchi

it hasn't convinced, it was not a very
good idea.

Be careful to the seasoning, it lacked
salt sometimes, it's right that...

And the red blade ! What does the red
blade mean uh ?

It lacks salt.

Be careful to the seasoning.

It's important.

Well, Top Chef hasn't change my life,

I always eat the same thing unfortunately,

yes, there is a small difference.

Before I was cooking like this,

now, like this.

I still eat shit,

but it's stylish.

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