Time to blossom: accepting my transgender daughter | Elizabeth August | TEDxPasadenaWomen

Elizabeth August shares her story about the magnitude of a mother's love. This young mom tells how she had to grieve the death of a son while simultaneously celebrating the birth of a daughter, when her five-year-old, who was born male, asked to present as a girl.

Elizabeth is a dedicated elementary school teacher entering her 11th year in the classroom. She teaches social justice and acceptance of others and strives to teach students to think critically and be solution-oriented. She works to create a safe and open environment in her classroom.

Over the last few years, Elizabeth’s journey as a mother of a transgender child opened her eyes and heart to what acceptance really means, and how adults not only need to teach children to accept others but accept themselves. Her experiences have fostered her passion to ensure civil rights for all people. Elizabeth believes that by accepting and sharing our true selves with each other, we can create a diverse and loving community.

Elizabeth studied psychology and is married with two children.

This talk was given at a TEDx event using the TED conference format but independently organized by a local community. Learn more at http://ted.com/tedx

In 2010, my husband, Shawn, and I

welcomed the birth
of our second son, Ryder.

Our oldest, Ethan, was so excited
to be a big brother.

We dressed Ryder
in his coming home outfit,

wrapped him in the green baby blanket
that I knit for him

and brought our little guy home.

A few years later, at three and a half,

unlike his big brother,
who had potty trained easily,

Ryder was still struggling
with pooping in the potty consistently.

His pre-school suggested that we get him
a toy that he could work towards.

The problem was

is that I felt like I had no clue
what toy would motivate my son.

I felt like I had tried
everything already.

Finally, I decided that I would let Ryder
choose anything he wanted.

I let him in on my idea
when we were at toy aisles at Target.

He looked at me sideways and asked,

“Anything I want?”

I looked down at my little
three-and-a-half-year-old

and said, “Sure, anything.”

To my surprise,

he shot right past the aisles
with the cars, trucks, and LEGOs

and zeroed in on the girl aisles.

As we walked down the first aisle,

Ryder’s eyes widened
while taking in the multitude of dolls.

There were dolls with long brown hair
and pink sparkly dresses,

baby dolls that came
with their own bottles

so their mommy could feed them,

and an Ariel mermaid doll with a tail
that really worked in the bathtub.

(Laughter)

Carefully, he examined each doll.

As he neared the end of the aisle,

he looked back to make sure
I was still following him.

And then he turned the corner.

In the next aisle, he was mesmerized
by the frilly princess dresses,

all of them decorated
with an insane amount of glitter.

His little hands reached up
to touch the Cinderella dress.

He noticed the high heels
that would actually fit his little feet.

I could tell his heart was beating quickly

underneath the blue
hand-me-down shirt from his brother.

My heart was beating quickly too,

but for a completely different reason.

I glanced around at the other
parents in the aisle

wondering what they must be thinking
about this obvious boy in the girl aisle.

His buzz cut, a dead giveaway
to his being a boy.

I steeled myself for the onslaught
of confused stares, furrowed brows,

and under-the-breath comments.

And then Ryder saw it:
his heart’s desire.

It was a small
pink and purple jewelry box

with a tiara, pink hand mirror,
and a beaded necklace.

(Whispering) “This is what I want,
my very own jewelry box.”

I knelt down next to my son,
looked him in the eye and asked:

“Are you sure?”

(Laughter)

He looked back at me,

hugged the jewelry box
to his chest and nodded.

And with that, my mom heart broke.

I could feel the hot tears
just behind my eyes.

How could I have missed this for so long?

There had been so many signs,

and so many times
Ryder had tried to tell us.

I just hadn’t been listening hard enough.

Memories from the past year
came flooding back.

First, the previous summer
when he begged me for a purse

and thinking he was confused,
I bought him a backpack.

And then the time
when I took Ethan and Ryder

to see Frozen in the movie theater.

At one point, I found Ryder
lying on the aisle on his tummy,

his feet propped up behind him
and his head in his hands.

I was shocked with how absorbed he was
with the princesses on the screen.

A couple months after that
for his third birthday,

he asked us for a dollhouse.

So we bought him a gender-neutral one,

only to find out later

that what he really wanted
was a pink Barbie Dreamhouse.

Each of those actions,
when taken separately,

didn’t seem to mean much to me.

But when I finally
connected them all together,

I realized that it was his way
of telling us who he really was inside.

And now this jewelry box,

this jewelry box was a new beginning
in our journey together.

I knew I had to do something
to remember that moment.

And that’s when I took this picture.

(Audience) Awww.

Thanks. (Laughs)

This picture is not just one
of a little boy in love with his new toy.

This picture is my reminder
to constantly show

my unconditional love and support
for this little person.

(Exhales)

That day, I chose to love Ryder
for who he was inside and out.

That day, I chose to follow him
on this journey,

on his journey wherever it would take us.

That day, I chose to be
the mommy he needs,

not the mommy I think I need to be.
(Voice trembles)

(Exhales)

Growing up, I was a tomboy.

I played cops and robbers
with the boys across the street,

and I wouldn’t have been
caught dead in a dress.

I remember being accepted
by the other kids in my neighborhood.

And now, 30 years later,
my son was in a way just like me.

Tomboy. Pink boy.

What’s the difference?

(Laughter)

Why are we so quick to accept
a girl who plays cops and robbers

and is into sports?

Yet we find it so difficult
to accept a little boy

who plays with dolls
and is into princesses.

I want you to know that my way
of thinking didn’t change overnight.

In fact, a couple weeks
after this day at Target,

there was another day, at Costco.

We were picking out Halloween costumes.

Ethan was easy.

He grabbed the first
ninja costume he found.

Ryder, after much deliberation,
picked out a Rapunzel costume.

And you know what I did?

I actually stuffed the Rapunzel costume
under the seat in the cart

and threw Ethan’s ninja costume on top.

I was so nervous about
what other people would think about us,

about me.

When we finally arrived home,

the boys raced to their room
to try on their new costumes.

Suddenly the giggles stopped,
and I heard Ryder cry out:

“This is horrible.”

I ran down the hallway and opened the door
to the room that my boys shared.

There I find Ryder
on a pile on the carpet, crying.

I knelt down beside him.

“What’s wrong?”

He looked up at me
through his tears and said,

“My crown won’t stay put.”

(Laughter)

I pulled him into my lap,
and as I wrapped my arms around him

I glanced around his room
and really saw it for the first time.

It was the epitome of a boy’s room.

Blue walls, LEGOs, baseball trophies

and a closet full of boy clothes.

It was then that I realized

that his room didn’t match
the person he was inside.

I looked down at his sweet face,
wiped the tears off his cheeks and said,

“Let’s find something
to keep that crown in place.”

After I rummaged around
the house a little bit,

an idea hit me, and I ran to grab
some pajama bottoms from his drawer.

I placed the elastic waistband
around his head

and situated his crown underneath.

Then I wrapped it with some sparkly yarn
to make a nice braid for him.

When he looked at
his reflection in the mirror

and saw himself with long hair
for the first time, his smile returned.

For the rest of the day,

he ran around the house
not wanting to take off his new costume.

Greedily, I watched him.

I wanted to wash myself
in this new reality.

I watched as he danced down the hallway,

twirling in circles,
his dress spinning with him.

I watched as he posed for pictures,
placing his hands just so,

as though he had studied
models in fashion magazines.

(Laughter)

I watched as he tried on my high heels

to see which ones would look best
with his new dress.

His first dress.

Later that night,

after tucking my boys into bed
under their matching blue quilts,

I locked myself in my bedroom.

I needed time, time to reflect
on all that had happened that day.

There had been laughter,

but also there were times
when I found it difficult,

even painful to watch,
as my son presented as his true self.

That night, the pain became unbearable,

and I lay on my bed
and sobbed uncontrollably.

I knew I was losing my son.
(Voice trembles)

And deep down, there was a part of me
that always knew Ryder would leave me.

Over the next year,
my husband and I watched

as Ryder transformed
into a confident gender-creative boy.

We found an incredibly
supportive therapist

who helped us navigate our journey.

We also read every book we could find
on the subject of gender-expansive youth.

One book, "The Transgender Child:

A Handbook for Families
and Professionals,"

discusses four signs
that most transgender children share

when they're trying to reveal
their true identity

to the parents and caregivers.

When I read the checklist,

it was like a mental checklist
popped up in my head.

First,

watch your child's bathroom behavior.

Does Ryder pee sitting down?

Nope.

The next, swimsuit aversion.

Does Ryder insist on wearing
a girl’s bathing suit?

No.

The third, underwear.

Does Ryder prefer girl-cut underwear?

Yes.

And finally, toys.

Does Ryder insist
on playing with girl toys?

Definitely.

We were two for four,
and the relief I felt was overwhelming.

I was hoping Ryder wasn’t transgender.

At that point in my journey,

being transgender was something
that I didn’t completely understand.

And I thought that to admit
that he was transgender

would mean he would have a more
challenging life than his brother Ethan,

and I just wasn’t ready
to accept that yet.

But the more I read, the more I realized

that if Ryder truly were transgender,
and we forced him to live as a boy,

it would be detrimental
to his own self-acceptance.

That - sorry.

OK.

That same summer,
we discovered Gender Spectrum,

a nonprofit that provides
resources, support, and training

for families and other
youth-serving organizations.

As part of their work,
they facilitate parent support groups

of parents with gender-expansive youth.

During our first experience
at Gender Spectrum,

we heard stories about
all different types of kids.

Some who were older than Ryder,
some who were younger,

some who were gender-creative,
some who were transitioning,

and some who were gender-fluid.

Our topics of conversation

ranged from how parents knew
their kids were gender-expansive

to how parents were navigating
with the other kids in their family.

Shawn and I were so excited
to meet families

with stories so similar to our own.

We felt understood and accepted
for the first time.

That was also the night we met Nora,
and our lives changed.

Nora’s son had just recently
transitioned to living as a girl

and had changed her name to Emma.

Emma was only a month older than Ryder,

and it felt like their lives
were on the same path.

[Nora] and I couldn’t wait
to get the two of them together.

Shawn and I knew that this first playdate
could be a turning point for Ryder

and his journey towards
understanding his gender identity.

From the minute Emma opened the door,
they were inseparable.

They were reflections of each other,

both with dresses and matching short hair.

They ran back and forth
between Emma’s room and living room,

modelling all of Emma’s
dress-up clothes in her closet.

And then, it happened.

Ryder peeked his head out
from the hallway.

I looked over and said,

“Come on out, Ryder.
Let's see what you have on.”

As he turned the corner, he said,

“Look, mommy, I’m wearing
one of Emma’s bathing suits.”

It was a cute girls' two-piece swimsuit.

And it was the first time that I saw
my daughter as her authentic self.

Over the next couple of months,
Ryder continually spoke to me

about wanting to be a girl
when he got older.

I was reassured by this.

I thought that if he truly
were transgender,

he would tell me that he wanted
to be a girl now, or that he was a girl.

I wasn’t resisting it out of fear
like I had the previous summer.

I was resisting it

because I wanted Ryder to be the one
to lead us in his transition.

I had learned that day in Target

how important it was
to completely listen to my son.

And I wanted to be the mommy
he needed me to be,

so I kept listening.

Then three months
before his fifth birthday,

he told Shawn and I

that he was going to be a girl
when he turned five.

That day we sat down
and had a heart-to-heart.

Ryder told us that he truly
felt like a girl inside

and that we were the ones
who were confused

because we thought he was a boy.

(Laughter)

That day, Ryder asked us
to be our daughter.

There were tears,
but also there were hugs and kisses.

That day, we listened to Ryder completely

and we accepted her as our daughter.

Ryder’s smile brightened.

It was as though a weight
had been lifted off of her.

We had come so far
in the last year and a half.

We had learned to look for the clues
our son had been leaving for us.

We had learned to listen
to our daughter completely

and to follow her lead
on her gender expression.

We also learned to love her
for who she was, inside and out.

We learned that sometimes
it is in the act of letting go

of the son you thought you knew

in order to open your heart
to the daughter who was always there.

Thank you.

(Applause)