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- Hey, everybody, Happy Thursday.
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Now, today's question is all
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about trauma and guilt.
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But before we jump into that,
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are you new to my channel?
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Welcome, I am a licensed therapist
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talking about all things mental health,
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and I release videos on
Mondays and on Thursdays,
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so make sure you're subscribed
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and have your notifications turned on
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so that you don't miss out.
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But let's jump into today's question,
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and it is, Kati, I have, over the years,
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begun to think that if
someone is traumatized
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and their rational brain places
the guilt where it belongs,
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onto the person or the situation
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that caused the trauma to begin with,
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then the heart would
naturally align with the brain
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and that any leftover
fear, stress, or shame
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would be gone or managed.
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But that clearly is not
the case for so many folks.
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Human nature, myself
included in the above.
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Is there science behind
why the feelings remain,
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even after most of the guilt is gone?
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And if so, can you do an
extended video on that topic?
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Well, yes, I can.
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Now, I really like this question
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because what they're describing
is cognitive dissonance
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which, if you don't remember,
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I did a video about that,
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and I will link it in the description,
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but for the sake of this video,
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just know that cognitive dissonance
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is when our beliefs about
ourselves in situation
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are not in line with how we act,
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meaning that if we think
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we are a good and thoughtful person
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but then find ourselves
trying to harm someone,
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this would cause cognitive dissonance.
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This can also occur in
abusive relationships
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when we believe we are good and kind,
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but someone else keeps
telling us the opposite,
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and using gaslighting
techniques to make us believe
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that we don't remember things clearly
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and that we are actually
terrible and hurtful.
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Does that make sense?
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And all of this can be really detrimental
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to our development and growth,
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because we don't know what the truth is
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or who we really are.
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It can lead us to questioning
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anything and everything that we do.
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In other words, it's crazy making.
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But to get into the specific question
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about trauma and why
our feelings can remain,
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even when most of the guilt is gone,
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often the guilt is misplaced
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because we are told that we are to blame
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or that we could have
done something to stop it.
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Fight, flight, or freeze, think about it.
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If we freeze, which is often
the case when we're children
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because we can't fight
back, we're not big enough,
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and we often can't get out
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'cause we live in that house
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and maybe we don't know where to go,
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then we can feel like we should have
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done something more to
fight back or to stop it.
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I've even had patients who share
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that they went back over
to their abuser's house,
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even after the abuse had started,
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and that just makes them
feel more responsible,
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like, if I didn't want it to happen again,
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why did I go over there?
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Or if it's sexual abuse,
we may find ourselves
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having an orgasm, even
though, just so you know,
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that's a physiological response
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and does not equal consent.
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But all of that can
make us wonder and think
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that we should have done something more,
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that we could have fought,
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that we could have said something else,
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that we could have stopped it,
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and that can make it hard
for us to place the guilt
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where it belongs, on the abuser
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or the person doing the harm.
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Instead, we take it on ourselves.
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And truly, we understand in
the psychology world that
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that's what keeps that,
like, cycle of abuse going is
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because of that cognitive dissonance
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and the gaslighting and the manipulation
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that occurs when we're
in abusive situations.
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And obviously there's a
ton of different situations
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we could be in where we
feel guilty afterwards.
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But that guilt can lead us
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to many various feelings
and coping skills.
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And if time passes and we're able
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to let go of that guilt,
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or maybe even to place it
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onto the correct person or situation.
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Let's say we're working in therapy,
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and we're able to recognize
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that child us couldn't
do anything and that
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that was just us not
understanding the situation,
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not knowing what to do.
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Maybe that's what we thought
love looked or felt like.
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Even if we've done all that work
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and we start to feel better,
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all of the feelings and
other experiences we've had
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as a result could have piled up over time.
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Most of my patients
say they're even afraid
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to talk about trauma or even talk
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about how they feel about it
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because they're afraid
that the dam is gonna burst
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and they are not gonna be
able to stop themselves
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from just feeling overwhelmed,
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dissociating, maxing out, or whatever.
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And just considering all of that, right,
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if we have all this piled up,
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letting go of one emotion, guilt,
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isn't going to negate or get rid
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of any of the others that we have felt
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that have maybe piled up.
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Does that make sense?
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Because until we process
the trauma completely
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so that it doesn't have any
emotional charge for us,
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did you hear that?
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We process it so much
so that it doesn't have
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any emotional charge.
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If we don't do that, it
will still bother us,
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and that's completely normal.
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And that's why working slowly but surely
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on all that comes up for you
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and fighting to lean into
those uncomfortable feelings
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that maybe we haven't
even allowed ourselves
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to feel before,
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will actually make things
better more quickly.
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And overall, the reason
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that I believe these
just don't quite align
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and that if we get rid of the guilt
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that we don't feel better
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is guilt is just one feeling
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associated with trauma.
(relaxing piano music)
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It's not the only one,
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and so we're gonna have
to work a little harder,
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we're gonna have to dig a little deeper,
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and I promise, when we do that,
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you will feel better.
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I hope you found that answer helpful.
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That was a really interesting question,
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and I would also love
to hear your thoughts
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in the comments down below.
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And if you like what I
talk about on my channel,
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you will love my book.
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I have a book, it's called Are u ok?
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And it is a guide to caring
for your mental health.
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So you can click the
link in the description
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and pick yours up today, and
I will see you next time.