AttitudeLive - My Deaf Parents

Hearing Children of Deaf Parents: A look into the world of families with deaf parents and hearing children (CODA kids) and the unique experiences of CODAs as they relate to other children their age. Families with deaf parents gather at a camp to share their experiences with each other.

(cartoons playing)

Are you finished? Sorry about that.

(Narrator) Monica and Steven
are deaf parents.

With hearing children.

Most parents struggle to get
their kids' attention.

(Monica) Good boy.

(Narrator) It's an even bigger
challenge if you're deaf!

Good boy.

Good boy.

Up, down, the sides.

♪ (music) ♪

$$(Monica Leach):
I'm a mum, first of all,

$$and a step-mum as well.

$$I've got three boys.

$$Their names are Felix, he's fifteen,

♪ (music) ♪

Felix...

Wake up!

Come on.

Time to get up, Felix!

Dad needs a hand with the tow bar,
and you need some breakfast, okay?

Can you help, please?

(Felix Ovens-Leach):
It's kind of a...love-hate relationship.

$$I mean sometimes I love them,

$$sometimes I hate them.

That's how it is.

I do worry about sex and
things like that, you know,

because he's a teenager.

And we have to keep an eye
on what he's getting up to.

(cartoon noises)

And the next one is my son Oliver,

and he's six.

Oliver! Oliver.

You know you boys have a
star chart for your eating.

Jack?

And the third one is Jack.

And he's four.

Jack!

Did you boys eat your lunch
at school this week?

Oh, well that's an improvement.

Your eating's getting
much better.

(cartoon noises)

Mum? Mum, Mummy.

Mummy!

You forgot to do that one!

You haven't eaten enough vegetables.

- Yes, they've been different every day!
- Ah, okay.

Okay so you ate carrots, peas...

I remember Jack eating them,
did you eat them as well?

Okay, good boy.

Look at that!

Wow. Good boys.

Mummy and Daddy are
very proud of you.

Mummy, that's what I want.

So my room is downstairs from the house.

♪ (music) ♪

I like having my own space.

♪ (music) ♪

I bring mates here often.

When they come here,
we're just in this room,

and we can be as loud as we want.

Except, of course, Monica
can't hear anything,

so she has to come in here every
five minutes.

She always wants to check up on us.

And wants me and her to go to the park
with my two little brothers.

My stepson Felix gets bored really easily
with the younger kids, so...

sometimes I let him stay
at home by himself

and I might take the younger
kids to the park,

or to their friends,

or we might go swimming, or skating,
or go to the beach.

But I do also try to get Felix to agree
on things that we can all do together.

♪(music)♪

Ugh! What about these guys!

Mummy, that was for our egg hunt!

- Oh, for this afternoon!
- (Felix) Hey...

- Okay, well, it's all gone now.
- (Oliver) He ate all of it!

- Hey, I already gave them some.

(Narrator) Monica's keen to
have quality family time,

so she's planned a family boating trip.

♪ (music) ♪

Come upstairs and have breakfast!

(Narrator) Whether Felix likes it or not.
(knocking on window)

Get up, please!

Come on.

(Oliver) I'm glad I'm not on that!

(play-fighting roar)
(knocking persistently on window)

(more knocking)

(knocking)

Get up, please, come on!

I'm not getting dressed
in front of the camera.

Yes, yes, get up!

It's nice to get away and do
things together as a family.

It's really lovely.

And my boys love computers so much,

and they're always on them,

and it just eats up all their time.

♪ (music) ♪

(Narrator) Monica's determined to
maintain strong lines of communication,

but admits there are frustrations.

Things happen at school
where I can't be involved

because they don't provide
the interpreters, so I do miss out.

And it's challenging for me,
say, at rugby,

when the parents are talking on the sideline

and then the speeches afterwards.

So there are barriers there.

Sometimes I just have to sit back.

♪ (music) ♪

She doesn't want her children to feel
they have to take responsibility

for their deaf parents.

Oliver, go!

[Inaudible] you can drive?

One interesting story is,
one time when we flew

the cabin crew, they were coming,
they knew we were deaf,

and they were saying, "Are you okay,
do you need an interpreter?"

They were just overly eager to help.

And we had to say, "No no we're fine,
you don't have to help us."

But Oliver looked up and got
the impression we need help,

and we had to reassure him
that, "No, we don't."

I'm the driver!

My dad is going to swim all the way.

- And I'm the driver.
- What did you say, Oliver?

I'm the driver, Dad swim all the...

-...way.
- Way, yes, yes.

Children of deaf adults
are known as CODA kids.

CODA usually grow up with sign language
as their first language,

and sometimes need extra support
when they start school.

♪ (music) ♪

[inaudible] cheese, tasty.

(Narrator) Monica's frustrated by the lack
of resources for deaf parents.

She's helped organize a camp for
CODA families.

The reason we set up the camp
was to support deaf parents,

because there aren't any
services out there

to support deaf parents
in raising their children.

They're often not even aware that
they can ask for interpreters

for meetings at their childrens' school.

And it's also about networking,

because a lot of the parents
out there are quite isolated.

Monica's invited an American mum
to offer advice at the camp.

(airport crowd)

She's brought her sixteen-year-old son.

Monica hopes he'll be a
good influence on Felix.

- Hi!
- Hi!

- Nice to meet you!
- Nice to meet you too!

-Hi!
-Hello!

- How was your flight?
- Great. Fantastic.

$$ (Monica) So my son's almost fifteen,

$$and your son's almost sixteen,
is that right?

$$- Yes, sixteen.
- Oh, teenagers, eh?

$$Yeah, they're tough. They're really tough.

Communication is difficult,
just being able to trust them,

and believing what they say.

Really it depends on me.
And that's the way I was raised.

I have high morals, and high
standards for my children.

My son was born in America.

I wasn't, I was born in India.

I came all the way to America,
and my mindset was completely different.

I struggled with my teenagers,

and then I started to understand
how others talked to their parents,

and I realized, "Oh,
that's the same thing."

I thought I was the bad mother.

No, I wasn't.

It's the teenager.

I've never played before, so...

- Go down, just fall down?
- Yep.

- Do I blow it up?
- No.

So when do I start blowing up stuff?

(Zach) Oh, wow, this is
powerful stuff. Oh.

(video game noises)

- Did I kill it?
- Yep.

- Oh it's coming towards me. What do I do?
- Yep. You just do that.

(offscreen applause)

(Zach) I never play this, I usually
play the Wii, so...

More of a workout kind of person.

In my days things were
completely different!

We always had strict homework, and had to
be involved in sport and things like that.

Teenagers these days can't be bothered
with getting out and getting involved;

it's a struggle to get them to do their homework.

You have to be firm with them.

It was very different in my day,
they're much more interested in

doing nothing now than being active.

And so much of their life is online!

They collect so many friends on Facebook,

but I don't know who they are,
they don't come to the house.

It's a whole new world out there.

And sometimes I'm worried about
who he's talking to, it could be anyone!

Same thing with my son, same thing.

But I explain to him...
that I am your mother.

Which means you live under my roof.

You have to follow my rules.

When you become eighteen
and live on your own, fine.

But here in my house, you follow my rules.

(video game sounds)

(Narrator) Monica had hoped
the boys would bond.

Oh right, okay.

We use the term CODA here in New Zealand but

there hasn't been much training around it.

So, you can put your presentation
at quite a basic level, really.

But try and keep the kids engaged, okay?

And working together as a group.

Okay.

The plan doesn't need to be too rigid,
you can be flexible

- ...and go with whatever happens.
- Yeah, cool.

I think the fact you're from America and
you're proud of being a CODA

will be such a great eye-opener for them.
- Yeah, cool.

♪ (music) ♪

(Narrator) More than fifty families are
attending the weekend camp

in the Port Hills near Christchurch.

It's a rare chance for both parents and kids

to meet others with the same challenges.

Okay, I'd like everybody to stand up

in a great big circle around the room.

It's an opportunity to get to know each other,

get to know the neighbors...

Hi everybody, my name's Claire,

and I'm a CODA.

Hi, my name's Dwayne,

and I'm from Auckland!
(scattered applause)

Hi everyone, my name is Kavita,

I'm from America, from California!

Oh sorry, I'll have to get a New Zealand
sign language interpreter.

(Narrator) Kavita uses
American Sign Language,

so it needs translating into
New Zealand Sign Language.

Sorry, this is the American sign for California.

Monica is in her element as a camp leader.

I'm responsible for the finances and the bedding.

and also making sure the program runs on schedule,

so be aware if you're late
for breakfast, too bad!

because I'm sticking to the schedule. Alright!

♪ (music) ♪

(Narrator) But Felix is out of
his comfort zone.

Okay, so where are you boys going to sleep?

Are you gonna sleep on this bed, Jack?

(kiss)

I'll see you later! Bye bye bye. Bye!

♪(music)♪

The next morning, the teenagers
split off into their own group.

Felix isn't buying into it yet.

(Felix) The first circle,
which was "art therapy,"

I don't know if everyone
took that seriously, but...

you know some people did,

and it was just about putting
your thoughts onto a piece of paper.

I know I didn't take it seriously.

(Narrator) Monica's wrecked. It's all going to plan.

It's been lovely!

A lot of the parents were a bit
uncertain at first how it would go,

but it's lovely to see the families,

especially the teenagers,
just getting along so well together.

So it's just going really well so far,

and to see everyone getting along...
it's just great! Yeah.

(Narrator) The adults now have a chance
to share their parenting issues.

It really is important to
read with your child.

It doesn't matter if it's about cooking,
or whatever, okay?

It's important.

So I'm open to all of your ideas,

any details that you may have,

so I'll gather the details here at the conference.

I'll write it down,

and I'll take it back to the ministry,

and we'll try to action that.

What action will occur I don't actually know,

but we'll do what we can.

My name is Josanna, from Australia.

And I agree, reading is most important.

I grew up with deaf parents,

and when I was young I used to read a lot,

and now I'm absolutely
passionate about reading.

I went to high school, I graduated,

and I did really well in a hearing school.

I was a top student.

But I'm actually deaf!

So I want to let you know that it's great
to develop that bond with your children.

To do homework with them, etcetera,
and keep communicating with them,

I think it's really powerful.

I had a great bond with my parents.

We communicated well together,

we talked about homework and everything.

It was really, really exciting!

My parents made it like that for me,

which meant I achieved.

And I'm sure that you can do that as well.

So the teacher called me in for a meeting
and I went down to the school,

wondering, how is my daughter in trouble?

And I came into the classroom and the teacher says,

"Hey, your daughter, her speech isn't right."

"She's not pronouncing the words right."

And the teacher forgot that I was deaf.

She tried to explain to me that,
"You're not teaching your daughter

how to speak right, and all this stuff."

I looked at the teacher
and I'm like, "Oh, okay,"

and what I did was I thought positive, I reversed it.

I wasn't having her be all negative on me,

I was like, "Oh, thank you
for letting me know.

But you know I'm deaf, I can't hear."

"I know that my daughter will
make mistakes speaking,

but why don't you help me?

Why don't you teach her
how to speak better?"

And the teacher looked at me,
"Oh, me teach her? Oh."

And she thought positive, not negatively.

You'd expect the other teachers
to do the same thing with your children.

There's nothing wrong with you.

And now my daughter, she's beautiful,

she speaks amazing, and so does my son.

So I was just giving you some kind of tips.

Positive feedback to the teacher
and all that stuff.

Cool.

(playful shriek)

♪ (music) ♪

As the day goes on, Felix slowly
gets involved with his group.

Put that on for safety, right.

(Felix) Whoa!

[laundry, outdoor auditorium]

(Narrator) Zach's busy
mentoring the younger kids.

I want to share a story with all of you.

Growing up in America,

me and my sister we've
shared our room my whole life.

When I was younger, my bedtime,
to go to bed, was 9:00pm.

So my dad comes in, he checks everything,

makes sure the TV is off
and all this stuff.

And then, when he's done, he'll leave,

I can hear him walking down the hallway from my bed,

and I'll hear him go into his room,

so me and my sister, what we did,
is that we would turn on the TV,

and we'll watch TV

and we would have the sound all the way up!

But one night my dad had a feeling
that something was weird.

so he comes and he says,
"Hey, why do you guys have the TV on?"

And both of us, we just pretended to fall asleep,

because we could hear him coming.

See that's the thing about being a CODA.

When your parents are deaf, they don't know.

So that's a cool thing.

Even though they're deaf it doesn't matter.

It's just the fact that we're
all related to each other.

That's what it's all being about.

Being a CODA, having that
bond with someone.

(Narrator) CODA kids are
often misunderstood

and considered loud and boisterous.

There's little understanding that
sign language is an expressive language.

What's your favorite thing about having deaf parents?

Slamming the doors and my mum can't feel it.

I like being loud

And I like screaming really loud
that my mum gets a fright.

CODA's gonna be part of your life forever.

It's not only when you're here at camp.

It lives with you 24/7.

So I want you all to remember
all the good things

and the positive things about
being a CODA.

(applause)

♪ (music ) ♪

(Narrator) Lunch provides a chance
to make new connections.

Monica makes sure conversation flows.

At last the ice is broken,
and the teenagers realize

they share a lot in common.

All of you are involved in two different worlds!

You've got your friends at school
your teachers,

or that sort of extended family,

and then you've got the other
world that you live in.

Perhaps sometimes that's a [inaudible].

Some of my friends when I'm talking
to my mum at home,

they look like I'm weird,

and why am I using my hands to talk to her?

Like they think I can just sit there
and talk to my mum,

like she will understand me,

but I need to use my hands.

And that's weird because

they seem real stiff and awkward like...

it's weird.

(Narrator) Even Felix is opening up.

When I go to school and then

everyone finds out my parents are deaf,

they're always very interested,

and they want to learn sign language,

but mostly, they want to learn the
swear words in sign language.

(laughter)

A whole lot of people have come up
and wanted to learn sign language

but then when I teach them,

all they do is mock.

And often they get a...

I don't know, a hail of swear words from me

in English, not in sign,

because they just don't want to know!
It's all persecution, really.

Because they don't understand.
They're all [inaudible], they are.

I mean they don't understand
what it's like to have deaf parents.

It's one of those things:

They'll never understand us and
we'll never understand them!

It's simple. They are ignorant.

And it's their loss, not yours!
Their loss.

Because they will never have access
to the language you have.

As CODAs, you do have to build bridges.

Like Joshua was talking about before,

you have to think about,
from your perspective,

what you can do to change their attitudes.

When my friends come over,

they always wanna know,
"What's 'Thank you' and what's 'Please?' "

They're very interested in
learning sign language.

But I've never really had
any negative things.

And whenever, at the start
of an English exam,

they ask what language you speak at home,

I always put down "other,"

instead of English.

We copy the language we learnt from birth.

So who taught us to speak?

Our mother and father.
And how did we learn?

We copied the way they talk.

I still sign the same as my mother.

I'm 54!

and I'm still a CODA,

and my CODA part is very strong.

Because I'm very proud
of my mother and father.

And they taught me a lot.

So that's why it is really important
to think about that part.

And which part, and how much of that
do I want in my life.

We were relating about how
the public treats our parents.

Like they're ignorant,
they don't know really

what being deaf is about.

And just being a CODA,

the jobs of being a CODA,

I would have never expected
that that would be my favorite part.

I would have thought, "Ah,
I'll just walk away from the groups,

go do the activities."

But yeah, it was good.

I met lots of new people here

that I haven't met before,

I'll keep in touch with a lot of them.

It's made me think about
the people who have

had some struggle with having deaf parents,

because I've never had any bullying

or teasing about having
deaf parents, but...

there are some of the other kids that have,

and it's made me think, "Wow."

No matter where you are,
no matter who you're with,

the only person that will
be able to understand you

are these people in this room.

(Felix) I didn't enjoy that I got asked
to be on the panel by my step-mum,

But after today I wish that I was on the panel,

I could talk about stuff

yeah definitely, I'll do that next year.

- ♪ (Everywhere we go) ♪
- (Kids) ♪ (Everywhere we go) ♪

- (Zach) ♪ (People wanna know) ♪
- (Kids) ♪ (People wanna know) ♪

(Zach) ♪ (We are the CODAs) ♪
(Kids) ♪ (We are the CODAs) ♪

(Zach) ♪ (The mighty mighty CODAs) ♪
(Kids) ♪ (The mighty might CODAs) ♪

♪ (music) ♪