Watch Aziz Ansari: Dangerously Delicious (Stand Up Comedy)

[cheers and applause] >> Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Thank you so much.

Thank you very much.

All right.

Washington, d.c.

Thank you so much for
coming out to the taping

for my second stand-up special.

[cheers and applause]
Very excited to be here.

Before we start the show,
I know there's probably

some signs up saying,
no photos and things of that nature,

and that's just because
obviously we're taping this.

And also, when I do these shows,
people can start taking photos,

and there'll be a lot of
flashing and orange lights,

and it can be a little
distracting when I'm trying

to focus on the performance.

But what I've realized is
that people don't give a shit,

and they take photos anyway,
because there are some shitty people

that come to these shows.

An, look how many people in here.

Some of you are shitty people.

There's no question.

If we met in any other context
besides you paying me money

to see me tell jokes,
I'm sure there are some

of you I would hate with a passion.

No question about it.

I really hate some of you a lot.

So what I thought we could
do as a compromise--

right now, before I start the show,

I understand people like photos and stuff,

so right now, before we start the show,

I'm gonna pretend like
I'm in the middle of a joke,

and you can take as many
photos as you want,

er that, we'll have a great show, okay?

So here we go.

If you want to snap a photo, go for it.

Some fake joke where I need
to go through a crawlspace.

Let's act like--let's act like an incident

happened with an audience member.

Like, sir, could you stand up and

act like you're yelling
at me about something?

So you can show that photo
to people and tell 'em, yeah,

at one point in the show,
this guy just stood up and was like,

'whites are the superior race'
and aziz was like,

'whoa, that's not cool, sir.

'You need to sit down" all right, cool.

Everybody good with photos and everything?

Thank you so much for coming out.

I really appreciate you coming out.

Thank you so much.

I live, uh--i live in New York right now.

[audience cheers] And--yes.

And I'm single right now, and--

[audience cheers] Oh, shut up.

You don't mean that shit.

And whenever I go out to bars there,

I have this one friend of mine.

He's one of these guys
he's like, "aw, man.

Any cute girl you see,
just go talk to her, man.

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?

Any cute girl you see,
just say something,

anything, it doesn't matter what.

What's gonna happen?

What's gonna happen?

" I'll tell you what's gonna happen.

That girl is gonna be mean as shit
to me for no reason at all.

Why do I want to deal with that?

- Hi how are you?
- Fuck you!

All right. I'll see you later.

I'll go talk to my friend brian.
He's always nice to me.

And, sure, that's a little bit
of an exaggeration,

but that is how it feels sometimes.

I once went up to this girl
'cause I thought

she had a cool purse on her shoulder.

I said, "hey, that's a nice bag"
and she said, "thank you,"

and we started talking,
and she seemed nice.

Then at one point, her friend comes over,

and when the girl's friend comes over,

she goes, "oh, hey. this is aziz.

He came to talk to me 'cause
he thought I had a cool bag"

and rolled her eyes.

And I thought, "wow, that's really rude.

No reason to do that.

I was just being nice," right?

So I said to myself right there,

"whenever I leave this conversation,

I'm gonna make sure this girl knows
I don't give a shit about her,

And I really like her bag"
so, at one point,

we're sitting there talking,

and I was like, .." [feigns laughter] "

and then I stole her purse.

Yeah.

That bag's mine now.

I never know what to say
to girls in situations like that.

It's always so awkward.

I was having lunch
with a friend of mine once,

and I told him, "hey, there's this one girl

that works in this restaurant.

She's so cute, but I don't "

and he goes, "oh, man, all you gotta do

is go over there and be honest " really?

That's all I gotta do?

So I just need to walk over--

"excuse me, miss.

I just need to be real honest
with you for a minute.

I eat here all the time,
and when I do, I stare at your face.

And I imagine us fucking
while I eat my sandwiches.

Let me know if you'd like to turn my fantasy "

I'm not sure that would work out too well.

People always give you
the same dumb advice

in situations like that.

They'll say things like, "

how does that work?

I just walk over-- "yes,
can I get a muffin, please?

Here's $100.

I think you know what that means.

I'm willing to have sex
with you for the price

I was doing that joke
one night, and this guy

in the audience just yells, " yeah.

There's no way I'll sound
like a jerk if I do that, right?

"Excuse me, miss.

" [clears throat] ..

I'm on tv.

I don't know what's going
on here, but this is the part

where you start "

I guess that's what some dudes
think being on tv's like.