Hello Dan! These are *not* my subtitles! I only reuploaded the ones from your video for us to use as a template because it makes the captioning process much easier and quicker! Ty have a nice day :)

- [Announcer] Coming
up on "Dystopia Daily".

- You're gonna die alone unless
you start looking relatable.

"Mentally ill and only
listens to sad music."

Why is the hand on the neck?

Big bottom energy.

(skeleton laughs)

Gay rights.

Are you relentlessly chasing that dick?

(sad music)

Oh my God!

(upbeat music)

Hi, I'm Dan.

And to further exploit the
parasocial relationship

that I have with my followers,

I am now going to interact
with you because I know you.

I love you.

We are friends.

Buy tickets to come see me
on tour at danielhowell.com.

Welcome to Community Corner.

(bright music)

Now, if I know one thing,
it is how to sell yourself.

'Cause you know, if I'm
working with all of this

and I manage to pull this together,

then you have no excuse to
not be realizing your dreams.

You deserve love, and more importantly,

attention from strangers.

And I am here to help because today,

I am going to review your dating profiles.

(upbeat music)

I asked you guys to send me
the picture and descriptions

that you are using to brand yourself

for potential soulmates.

And this is a big deal, okay?

I mean, you have to somehow
simultaneously look cute, sexy,

but funny, cool, and yet relatably uncool,

high-key, low-key, chill,
extra and incredibly ironic

at the same time.

If people do not like the
first word on your profile,

you are gonna die alone.

So the specificness of this shit matters.

Let's see what you are
working with, right?

First up, we've got Bry who
said, "I was made for this one,"

and it is a picture of a coffin

with some flowers saying, "DAD".

About me, "You don't have to
worry about meeting my dad."

(Dan laughing)

I mean, fuck yeah, filter them out.

That is a good way to do it.

And people are gonna be in there.

Marion wants us to judge her.

I love that you have a
friend and you said, no,

the friend is ugly, gonna
put a big heart emoji

over her face.

And then, holy shit.

You have got a photo of you being kissed

from behind by Shrek.

Why is the hand on the neck?

I mean, I don't know, if I saw that,

I would be like, "Swipe!"

A picture of me. What the hell?

I matched with John in 2019.

I told him he looked familiar,

and then he deleted his whole profile.

Hey John, you straight, single, monogamous

six foot one man with an average build.

How fucking dare you?

I'm six foot three.

"Looking for single women
between 18 and 40 for hookup

and new friends."

That is so incorrect.

I am never looking for friends.

Amelia, hot damn.

Okay, I'm sorry.

What is going on this second photo?

Jesus Christ.

That is the most sexual hair
I've ever seen in my life.

Does anyone even say yes to you,

or are they just too scared?

You might need to turn it down a bit.

Although I love you just hanging out

with a bunch of pricks in the first photo.

Same.

Ooh, we got Puk here who is into fashion,

museums, art, and politics.

All right.

Jesus Christ. Who are you
trying to show off for?

Oh, and then you are
listening to Arctic Monkeys

and David Bowie.

You're too fuckin' cool. Go away.

You're gonna die alone unless
you start looking relatable.

Just kidding. I'm jealous.

We've got one here from
Twitter user @cafecrackhead

who has made a Tinder profile
roleplaying as a leaf.

Age 19.

Miserable and on the ground.

Same.

Are you actually looking
to smash with this?

I mean, what happens?

Is this like a severe hazing ritual?

If you can meet me at my
leafest, you get the leaf fussy.

You know what I'm saying?

Cooper is a clinically
hyperactive Jewess in distress.

Up front with the red flags.

And wait a minute, you
can serve that and that?

You can give the people that
or that on any day of the week?

You are too powerful.

Are you going for 100%
completion on Tinder?

Em lives in Glasgow.

She is mentally ill and
only listens to sad music

by pretty women like Phoebe and Lorde.

(Dan laughing)

Starredhowell.

I have to be nice to this person.

Okay, here we go.

"When I was being slutty
in my first year of uni,

this was my profile.

Also, I quickly discovered
I needed a physics tutor

so I clickbaited men
into matching with me.

LMFAO.

If you know college
physics, please superlike me

and I will match."

(Dan laughing)

Get it, girl. Hell yeah.

You know, I was questioning
the dateability of you guys.

This is going quite well.

Steph O Sims is coming in.

"My dump truck so fat, I
haven't been able to fit

through a door frame since 2017."

Good for you.

I went for Halloween
dressed as Areola Grande,

and it's just a giant tit with bunny ears.

Areola Grande. Who would
not match with you?

What else do you need?

Okay, Aiyuna went to Vegas, good for you.

And I can see in your fifth
photo you chose to include one

of you taking a selfie
with a mascot outside

of Hershey's Chocolate World.

Priorities.

Though unfortunately, Americans,

Hershey's does taste like piss

and your dead grandma's ashes, so.

MacDoesIt tweeted me.

Oh my God, I watch your videos

when I'm just like in the bath,

wanting to hear some
opinions about fashion.

And you were banned from Tinder.

(Dan laughing)

What? What happened here?

"This decision is final.

You will no longer be able to
access your Tinder account."

What about all the matches you made?

What if you found your
superlike fantasy husband

from the future,

and you'll never be able
to contact them again?

We got Hunter coming in.

Immediately, he's got a cello out.

Cello out for the lads.

Absolutely. Tickle that G string.

And a pussy on the shoulder.

And your About Me:

"You should be that boyfriend
who plays video games with me.

Smiley Face.

Maybe I could teach you a
thing or two about music."

You've got a cello.

You got a cat.

And you've got a one liner.

You don't need me.

(gentle music)

Be free. Frolic into the world.

We've got Simon from Kentucky who's posted

an incredibly moody cherry blossom photo.

And your only question that you answered

to describe your whole personality

is I will never shut up about Luigi.

Fuck yeah.

Big bottom energy, Luigi has. We all know.

Mady here, already upside down.

Goth on the slide.

Definitely has undiagnosed ADD

and mommy issues, but at
least she's funny sometimes.

Small boobs, zero ass.

You know what you got?

You got sass.

And who needs ass when you've got sarcasm

and a completely black outfit.

That's what I tell myself.

Well, I don't need to tell myself that

'cause I've got a dump truck.

I dunno what I was expecting,

but I'm so impressed, honestly.

I'm not saying that I
thought you'd all die alone,

and maybe you can all
just find each other.

Have like a "Dystopia Daily", you know,

one of those swinger hotel conventions.

We'll call it a business event,

and then you can all just
cheat on your partners.

Silas hitting us with the bap.

He's a student and an online creator,

and he is goated with the sauce.

Hey. And no, I'm sorry, what
the hell is that sandwich?

Enhance!

That would appear to
be a piece of ciabatta,

and then 13 slices of cheese
and a single piece of lettuce.

Is that digestible?

You are brave. Holy shit.

I mean, that's what you did after this.

You did an extremely unholy shit

after you finished all of those
fries and all that cheese.

Jesus, Jesus Christ.

And finally, here we go.

I was waiting for this my whole life.

We have a Grindr photo.

James coming in saying
that they are looking

for friends with benefits,
toys, twinks, vanilla,

gaming, and "RuPaul's Drag
Race" at the same time.

Hell yeah. That's what "Drag Race UK"

while playing a bit of "Mario Kart"

and I'm being absolutely railed.

I'm gonna be honest, for
the first time in my life,

I'm not disappointed with
my audience. (laughs)

No, I'm just kidding.

Wow. Yeah, you are unflinching.

Is this the generation that I have molded?

People that are just upfront
with their self-deprecation,

just being unabashedly,
horny, terrifying bisexuals

just let loose into society?

I'm proud of you.

Get it.

And for those of you that
were an absolute hot mess,

I dunno what to say, I'm not
gonna be that mean to you.

But at least population decline is good

for the climate crisis.

Doing your part.

(upbeat music)

And now like a good friend, or
a controlling family member,

I would never do anything
without your permission

or valuable feedback.

And the first place any
intelligent human goes

when they're looking for that?

YouTube comments, of course.

(upbeat music)

When I announced the tour of my new show,

"We're All Doomed",

I spent way too much time
and money making a trailer

where the moon falls out of the sky.

(intense music)

I'm not gonna tell you how much
I spent on that six seconds.

I did a little teaser,
weeding out my bucket list.

Ah, OnlyFans feet picks for
charity called OnlyDans.

And a BTS of the photo shoot

where I talked about
reclaiming picket signs.

We're kind of going for
West Baptist Church,

but instead of God hates (bleeps),

it's, "I am one, and that's okay."

Can I say that?

(people laughing)

And what did you have to
say about the announcement

of the most exciting thing Dan
has ever done with his life?

Well, let's see.

Ella said, "He looks at that
skeleton with genuine love."

And what are the fan theories?

Who is that skeleton?

You know who it is?

Your mom.

Elias J. said, "Is it just me,

or does he look extra
British in this video?"

Cry-laugh face.

What the hell does that mean?

I can literally only possibly
take offense to that.

Saying I have a big Prince
Charles nose or something.

Clammy Prince Andrew skin.
We're not gonna go there.

Brethney Neal said,
"Legally can't die now.

I have to stay alive for the tour."

Damn right.

That's why I'm doing the tour,

just to gimme something to keep me going.

And finally, Crow Soto said,

"Dan wearing all black is gonna blend him

with the backstage crew and
I can't wait to see him."

You know, this is a thing, me
being incredibly intelligent,

wearing only black, decided, hey,

I wanna make an all black stage.

And I realized if I
have to stand at the top

of a staircase with a
blinding spotlight in my eyes,

I will fall down the stairs
and die at any moment.

And people keep saying, "Don't say that."

It's a numbers game.

I'm doing like 82 shows.

I will stack it down the
stairs and break my neck.

So if you wanna see me
die, live on stage, get in.

That's gonna be some good content.

Well, thank you.

I'm so glad I spent all that money,

and I hope that you bought
tickets, you sassy fuck.

Thank you for your support.

Okay.

Enough excitement, you horny
and doom-mongering devils.

It is time to slow it
down and see some cute

and carefree images to cleanse your soul.

Don't blink.

It is time for some bleach.

(gentle music)

And if we are trying to take it slow,

what better inspiration than
today's Eye Bleach mascot,

Captain Ahab, the tortoise.

Why are you called Captain Ahab?

Are you relentlessly chasing that dick?

Me too.

This is the kind of pace
that I like to take life at.

I have got no chill.

Ahab over here has got nothing but chill.

I am jealous.

Here are the wholesome
things that are happening

in your lives.

Head towards the snack.

You can do it.

Des is following their dreams
of becoming a journalist,

and got a front page
story in the local paper.

Heck yeah.

Get that scoop.

Eddie is working at a stop motion studio,

and gets to make tiny things.

Oh my God, they are so cute.

I wanna crush them.

That's you-sized.

Anna's dad's dog had a little nap outside.

Aw, bet you could out nap them, huh?

You'll just knock out
for a month. Relatable.

Worm and Maria adopted a
cursed demon called Thimble.

What on earth is that?

It will be a beautiful
addition to your home.

Jen's daughter loves sitting in bags.

I mean, why wouldn't you?

I wish there was a bag big
enough for me to get in,

other than a body bag.

Sorry, that's not the vibe.

Lucy met a bunch of friends at college,

and they look like the
best bunch of dorks ever.

Isn't that right?

You detecting any micro turtle noises?

- [Camera Person] Yeah,
he makes a little noises.

- Christine went on a retreat
for her master's degree,

and oh my god,

you are living in a Windows
Desktop background photo.

(sighs)

Charlotte saw a corgi in the wild,

and this corgi said, "Gay rights."

Can you say, gay rights, Captain Ahab?

Possibly homophobic tortoise, okay,

just putting it out there.

And Chloe graduated with a first,

and made a dress to celebrate.

You are so impressive in so many ways.

I am happy for you.

Well, whether you wanna stick your neck

out in the world to bite the leaf of life,

or retreat into your shell
and be put in a box to sleep

for several months, you are valid.

Thank you for watching
Episode 3 of "Dystopia Daily".

(upbeat music)